So Much to Tell

10/31/2014

That was the date of my last post. A post full of despair and hopelessness. Here it is almost 7 months later, and while life still throws me challenges and frustration, I couldn't be further from despair and hopelessness.

Not too long after that post was composed, a wonderful thing happened. I met M. We both came together damaged and weary. We both made broad statements at the start, of how we didn't need anything serious and that we were both looking for more of a companionship and friendship. Neither of us were in a place to expect anything more, not only from each other, but also from ourselves.

BUT from our first meeting I knew something was different. There was a connection, a *feeling* that was so unique to him. I felt safe, comfortable, open. We talked for hours. It was easy to be me with him. I felt like I could trust him right away. I remember telling a friend after our first date "You know...I don't believe in love at first sight...but if I did, it would feel something like this"

About six weeks in, we both abandoned our initial stubbornness and recognized what was in front of us. A very special, extraordinary bond. We gave in to our hearts and took the leap. I have never been more scared in my entire life.

Those who know me, know that I'm not all fluffy or emotional. M, however, can make me go there. I could write paragraph after paragraph explaining how amazing he is, how amazing the relationship has been and how he has turned this very independent, stubborn, fiercely self sufficient female into a pile of mush. But I won't :0)

There are challenges ahead, but we have already stomped through some. M moved in a few months ago. Yes, this was quick, and if it were me looking in, I would judge. There were circumstances that sped up this process, but I don't regret our decision. He has two children and an ex who isn't making things easy. We are continuing to work through this together and I'm confident that things will get easier...not easy, but easier.

The children have taken to M wonderfully. He loves them, and they love him. He is fully committed to being their dad. We are just taking it slow and letting the kids set the pace.

And there has been talk of marriage. For this reason alone, Hell should be freezing over with pigs flying over. Again, I'm not one for love at first sight, or soul mates or anything like that, but this relationship seems to support those notions. We've yet to have our first argument...we click on nearly every level...our thoughts, belief, values and morals are almost one in the same.

So, I am happy. I feel safe. I feel loved. He treats me better than anyone has. He makes me feel all the things I never thought possible. Still...I am still more terrified than I can put into words. That's one thing that a life full of struggle, challenge of emotional abuse can do to someone. When this wonderful thing comes your way, you spend a great deal of time trying to convince yourself that it won't all blow up in your face.

Stepping Back

I'm still here. Still trying to figure out my emotions and where I go from here. One day I'll be fine and then the next a puddle of goo. As time has passed I don't mourn the loss of the person, I mourn the loss of what could have been, what was possible, what I believed to be true for a short period of time. There were so many times I was happy with what I had but then the crushing low...is it all worth it?

IDK...thats what I need to figure out. What I need/want to share right now is too negative, no raw for this blog. I am going to step back for a bit while I figure out where I go next...

It's Over

In the last week or so life has decided to use me as its punching bag. Many of the shitty things that have happened can be normal every day occurrences for a single mom of three kids, who works full time and goes to school full time, but there has also been little special treats like a broken down fridge and someone stealing $2000 from my bank account. All of these things added to my already chaotic life made me feel like I was drowning and couldn't catch my breath. I thought it couldn't possibly get worse but I was wrong.

As of tonight I am no longer seeing C. I won't go into details because honestly, they are rather painful. I thought if you wanted something and worked at something hard enough you could be successful at it. I was wrong. I really don't know where to go from here. I started looking to date because I felt so lonely and needed adult companionship, but when the trade off can cause this much heartache, I'm not so sure it's worth it. Obviously emotions are raw right now...I'm sure my final decision will come a while from now and probably change many times. Just kind of in a confused, lonely, hurt place right now.

Feeling a Bit Better

Last week was rough for so many, many reasons. More reasons than I will go into. But, the important thing is that it's better, and I have a plan on how to deal with most of it. I will go into two of the endless stressors just because I'm sure I'll have more to write soon.

I am trying to do better with taking care of myself. It's always a struggle, but one thing I decided to do was get back to some doctors that I have been needing to see. Well one doctor followed up a simple, innocent statement I made and now I have to have surgery. Initially this was an office procedure that was no big deal with virtually no recovery time, to no...the risk of bleeding is too high  so now it's a full out surgery with general anesthesia in the local hospital. Sigh...I actually initially told them nevermind, I don't want it done. After thinking about it for a few days I decided I needed to go forward. So, now I have even more pre-op doctors appointments and a surgery scheduled for October 4th.

I have mentioned my sister J before. She dates all the NFL players. She was with a Steeler for awhile, then a Panther and early this year started dating a Packer. She has been with this guy for longer than the others, however keep in mind they have never spent more than 10 continuous days together. The vast majority of their relationship has been via text or phone. J's plan had been to move to Green Bay in January for them to solidify their relationship with the plan to eventually get married. Okay, I figure it was a long shot, but hey, she's young and miracles do happen.

Well early last week J found out she was pregnant. This is such a sad thing. J has never been able to even take care of herself. She is 23 but very immature and has always been dependent on people. Heck, she is currently living in my office because she was driving my parents nuts. There is no way this girl can take care of a baby. Add to that the fact that now her, low likely to survive relationship is now almost certainly destined for doom and it makes the situation even sadder. I am so mad at her for allowing this to happen. She has no clue what she has done and her and my mom have the balls to be upset with me because I'm not celebrating the news.

I don't think I've mentioned this here either, but in November my parents are retiring to Mexico. They plan to live there in the winter and their cabin home in the summer. This means that J's only family here is me. This means that I am now home base for J to run away to when her and her boyfriend decide they hate each other. I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to have her and a baby in my house. My life is hard enough and I am not helping to raise her and her baby. Really, the only silver lining to this whole event is her boyfriend has a multi-million dollar contract so I would hope she will never have to fight for support or financial help.

So, keep me in your thoughts until January when J moves out of my house...hopefully never expecting to return!

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Week...

And right now...that's all I'm going to say

My Own Worst Enemy

My mind is the meanest, most hateful thing. And it directs this negativity towards myself. If I could figure out a way to shut it up I would.

You see I am my own worst enemy. I am very insecure and I don't see much value in myself. I don't see myself as attractive or desirable and I definitely can't understand why someone would want to be with me. I have battled these feelings all my life. The get quiet sometimes, louder others. I fight them down and use logic to push them away. Most of the time, I do okay. But when I'm trying something new...something that opens me to so much potential for hurt...those negative thoughts can become much stronger than any logic.

I mentioned previously that I haven't dated in more years than I would care to admit. I will say however that the feelings, insecurities and panic that I am feeling now, are identical to what I felt years ago which led to the decision to walk away from the dating world  and never to look back. I ran away and buried my feelings deep. I was safe. It was risk free. It turned out, that it was also lonely.

I'm trying not to run. I need to face my fears. Since these feelings of panic and negativity are familiar from years ago, it has nothing to do with who I am seeing (C). C has been a great guy, saying wonderful things and assuring me that I am who he wants to see. He hasn't given me any reason to doubt him. He is a good guy, with what seems to be good intentions. I have fun when I'm with him and enjoy chatting with him. So why the trouble?

C is a very busy guy. He lives about 50 minutes from here. He just started Law School. He works as much as he can to pay his bills and his tuition. Time is very limited for him and as such we can only see each other every week or so and there isn't a lot of time to chat in the evenings. So when I see him, and for a few days afterward I am good. I am reassured that for some reason he is with me and things are good. But then as the days go on...doubt creeps in. Maybe he's changed his mind. Maybe he's found someone better. Maybe this is a huge joke at my expense. Again, he's done nothing to indicate that these are true...but it's what my mind comes up with. Another problem, he's a really nice guy. He's cute, successful, smart, funny, driven, etc. So why the hell is he with me?

So anyway, logically I know that this is my mind being horrible to myself. I need to trust C's words and actions. I need to accept that I am actually worth something, that I may actually be someone worth hanging out with. When I started this journey I remember thinking that it would be so nice to have another person actually see me as someone desirable. Someone who doesn't just see the body I'm in. Someone who for the first time in my life will see me as beautiful and someone who can be desired. I am probably as close as I'll ever be to that happening and I'm pushing it away and want to run.

Please pray/hope/think of me. I really want this to work. I want to know what it feels like to be wanted. I want to have a normal adult relationship. I don't want to fuck this up. I want to go more than a few days without feeling weight and pressure on my chest with the feeling of impending doom. I know some would ask why I'm even doing this if it's causing me so much anxiety but again, I have ran from it for years and years and it's gotten me no where. I just can't keep running.

Random Update

The last week of re-entry was a weird one. It's so hard to go from being able to sleep in and be semi-lazy for 9 days to jump back into being up at 630a and being at work all day. I made it through the week...but I will admit by Friday I was pretty grumpy at work and I pretty much barricaded myself in my office all day.

This past weekend went well. The twins were home again and we laid pretty low. No more big exciting adventures for us ;0) Tonight the twins headed back with my parents for the last time this summer. School starts one week from tomorrow and my constant, crazy chaos will return. I miss the twins...but I'm not sure how getting back into the crazy will go. I'm hoping for a quick adjustment.

So, maybe it's time to share in my other excitement. I honestly don't even know how many people read this blog, and how many of those I actually know. But this is new and exciting and terrifying all at once. It's not something I've done for many, many...did I say many?...years. In some ways I want to shout it from the rooftop and in others I want to run away screaming...

So...I'm sure some of you have figured it out...but I guess I can say...I have a boyfriend ;0)
...and can I just say how ridiculous that sounds from the lips of someone in their 30's?

Everything is still new and we are figuring it out together. He is super busy, just recently starting school and a new job, and then of course I'm busy with life too. I'm not sure how well this will go and my mostly negative mind likes to obsess and worry over stupid things but I am trying hard not to screw this up. Wish me (and probably more so him) luck. 

Anyway, if you happen to know me, and read this blog, this is still fairly on the down low...so don't say anything ;0)