Present...

So I have kinda given you a rapid overview of the highlights of the last year, mostly about the kids...now, what have I been up to the last year...

Well starting last May I started working more hours at work which eventually turned into an official full time position in January. I like my new role - more leadership/admin - and the hours work well for me. I knew it was time to start working full time and while I would have loved to stay part time forever, I'm glad I was able to stay home most of the time until M was three.

In May I also started to read again. I used to love to read and stopped after the twins were born. In May I installed the Kindle app on my iPad and started with the wildly popular Hunger Games and went on from there. I will have to admit now that reading has now become my obsession. It seems to calm me and take away some of my day to day anxiety. This is good, but also bad because of course I should be doing things like cleaning the house. I am a very fast reader - I can finish a 200 page book in a few hours - and I have been tracking my reading on Goodreads. In the last year I have read 307 books. Don't judge me.

This past fall I started to get into a slump. I was more introverted and really didn't get excited about much of anything. It was hard to power through events for the kids and things like Halloween. While I wouldn't say I was depressed, I definitely had a low period. I started looking at friendships and relationships I had and realized that many of them had seemed broken for awhile. I'm pretty sure I had been posting about this, but my twin mom group who I had been very connected to in the past, seemed to cause more hurt for me, and I often felt like I was left out or intentionally kept out of things. I did try to talk myself out of those feelings but they came to the forefront this winter. Initially it started after none of the friends from the twin group came to the twins party. I did hear from one group, but two other friends who have been at all the other parties just didn't show. It's kind of pathetic to say, but I was literally in tears that night knowing that what I was feeling wasn't off, but hurt that they allowed that to impact our children. The final nail in the coffin was a few weeks later when I was having a hard time keeping up with all my responsibilities due to health/work/school so I emailed the entire officer group - about 9 people, 4 of whom I would have once said were good friends - to let them know everything that was going on and to tell them I had to step down. Only two people, one of whom is not included in the four mentioned above - emailed me back to acknowledge what I had said. I initially wasn't going to completely leave the group...but after that obvious statement on where I stood with them...I haven't been able to go back.

My health has also been a frustration this past year. My MS is doing fine and in fact, this February marked 5 years since diagnosis with no flares since diagnosis! This is pretty huge!! Unfortunately I have been having problems with cellulitis. Right before Christmas I developed a spot under my arm that spread very quickly. In a matter of days I was admitted to the hospital and given IV antibiotics and had to have an I&D performed. There was no explanation for it other than it just sometimes happens. I was discharged from the hospital on Christmas Eve and thank goodness my parents were able to care for the kids while I was in the hospital and for a week after I got home. Almost exactly a month later, I developed another spot, this time on my abdomen. It followed the same rapid spread and I did everything I could to stay out of the hospital. This time my parents were not available and there was no way I could be admitted. I had a shot of antibiotic in the butt and was on 4 different pills. For a week I was taking over 20 pills a day to stay out of the hospital. Had my parents been here, I would have allowed myself to be re-admitted. After about a week things started to turn and luckily got better. Since that time I have had two more spots come up. Neither have been as bad, nor required medications. I have stopped taking my MS meds because that is the only thing I can think of that might be causing this. I went off them for 2 months and did okay and as soon as I restarted them, a developed another spot. This whole thing has been very frustrating and every time a new spot surfaces it causes me a lot of anxiety not knowing if this time I will need to be hospitalized again.

And because all the above wasn't enough to keep me on my toes...I started school in April as a full time student. Crazy huh? My hospital has a huge focus on all their RN's having their BSN degree...and I don't. They decided that all RN's in higher level positions had to get their degree within a few years or be stripped of everything. So, I am begrudgingly going back to school. I am in a 100% online program and so far it hasn't been too bad, but I would, of course, rather not be doing it. My evenings and weekends are focused on classes now...which stinks. I should graduate in September of 2014 if all goes well.

Otherwise, I think I'm about the same. My weight hasn't changed any...which is bad. It's always on my 'I really need to' list which I never quite seem to do anything about. Money is tight as always. Friendships are even suckier than before, because while I've always had a hard time having close friends, the few I had are gone. Right now I am very isolated and withdrawn. I need to work on this, but I'm not sure how. And...in news probably related to the last point, I have started to feel like maybe I don't want to live my life by myself. I've always been very happy being single and have rarely had thoughts otherwise, but lately I yearn for another adult in my life. The problem is the package I'm offering isn't very appealing and anytime I think I might reach out, I am reminded of the high likelihood of failure and additional hurt.

So...here's my year in a nut shell. I will try to post again before May 2014 ;0)

To leave you, here are a few pics of the kids I took this weekend

August 2012

Big exciting event for August...first day of First Grade!!

Let the Festivities Begin!

This weekend kicked off the week of Birthday/Valentines Celebrations. While I will make sure the twins don't expect this every year, it does seem like so far their birthday events seem to span more than just their special day. :0)

On Friday their school had a Valentine's Dance. It was held as a Fundraiser but was a cute idea. Parents had to stay and the dance was divided into two times. Earlier time for the younger students and a little later for the older ones. K was BEYOND excited to go to the dance. I'm not sure what she thought would happen but she was beside herself all week. Unfortunately that day the twins good friend misbehaved and couldn't come with us, but that only seemed to dampen the mood for a moment.

At first the twins were very quiet and shy, sticking mostly to the side walls of the gymnasium. Once a few other students from their classroom showed up, they really go into the fun. There wasn't so much dancing, but alot of running, spinning and conga lines. They really did have a good time and it was so cute to watch them.
This morning on the front porch was S and K's birthday gifts from our Texas family. K received a lip gloss kit and S received a Dinosaur Lego Set. It was a great thing to wake up to since the sick hit me hard and all I did today was sit in the chair. Wonderful timing for sure!

I Found My Parenting Achilles Heel

Reading...or I should say, learning to read. It stresses me out. I don't know how to deal with it. It sounds stupid to say that, but seriously, I can't do it.

I hate that I respond the way I do. I try to go into it differently. I try to remind myself of how hard this is, but in the end, often the twins and I are left in tears.

I think part of it is I never had to 'learn' to read. By three I was reading books and I was never taught. My moms said it was like I just figured it out on my own. And so when we go over reading words over and over and then 10 minutes later they have forgotten everything we did, I stress.

I need to figure out how to deal though. I do not want my kids to stress about reading or dread it because of how it all goes down. Tonight I had my sister do the reading with them and it went much better. I may need to look into paying someone else to do it though, when my sister isn't here. That will be another great financial stress...sigh.

So, I feel horrible. I feel like I am failing my kids. I need to get a handle on this though...or sacrifice some bill to pay for the private tutor.

Preschool Graduation

Yesterday was the twins graduation from preschool. I was excited to see them graduate, but I was not prepared for the joy and emotion I would feel during their ceremony. Not only were my babies growing up, but they were singing and dancing proudly with their classmates. They were confident and happy...and how could I not be proud of that?

I didn't get very good pictures of the ceremony based on seating and lighting - I did order a DVD of the event though. Here are some of the good shots I did get.

K & S on our way to the ceremony. They were very excited!

S doing one of his songs in cap and gown :0)

S with his 'favorite' teacher Ms Holly

K in her cap and gown reciting a poem

K with her 'favorite' teacher Mr Matthew. Can you see that face!?

Parent Teacher Conferences

Today I had to meet with both S and K's teacher's. I was hoping for good reports, and gladly, I was not disappointed.

K's teacher says she is a joy to have in the classroom. She is smart and caring. Although she can be shy at times, she has blossomed in the past few months and is an active participant in her classroom. She is able to express herself, share her feelings and emotions. Her physical skills are on target. Cognitively, she is doing great. She has a real desire to learn as well as an amazing memory.

K does need to continue to work on her writing skills. She is a little behind her peers, however, when she started school this September, she had never even made an attempt at writing words or her name. She now is able to identify all her letters and spell her name pretty well. Considering that, I am very happy at where she is.

S's report really impressed me. At home S is my more impulsive, hard to focus child. It's never been a HUGE issue, but I wondered how he did in a classroom. It seems he does great. His teacher mentioned how great he was. He can play independently and with others. He expresses himself well and gets along good with his friends. She says he doesn't need any direction in his stations and does well with picking up after himself. He stands up for himself, and friends. Physically and Cognitively he is right on target without deficits. He is still in speech, but his teacher states that he is really at the appropriate level, which isn't a big surprise since his Speech Teacher already stated she would graduate him from speech this summer.

S's needs revolve around his writing skills as well, but is more behind than K is. He doesn't seem to hold his pencil correctly and gets very discouraged and frustrated when he is asked to write. We will continue to work with S with his fine motor skills and try to get him for comfortable with writing. He is also scheduled to have an OT evaluation just in case there is more to the altered pencil grip. We will all continue to monitor this area.

Overall I am extremely happy and proud with these reports. The twins were never in a daycare setting and I always focused more on play rather than lessons. They have had no previous experience with an academic program and yet they are excelling and meeting almost all the expectations. In just 2 weeks we register for kindergarten. It sounds like everyone...except mommy...is ready.

First Day!

The twins had their first day of school today.

This morning I set my alarm a little early so that I could do some stuff before getting the kids up. When I got out of bed K woke up and started running around her room, getting dressed, and yelling "school! school!" It was so stinking cute. S took a little longer to wake up, but once he did, he was super excited too.

I dropped them off at 8am and they barely noticed me leaving. In fact, they were probably happy I was going because they complained several times about all the pictures I was taking. S went to one class and K the other and neither of them ever looked back.

I arrived a little early to pick them up and both had good days. They both had just woken up from their naps and were having snack. They both got their book bags and came home. I have heard them sing a few new songs today and every so often they come and tell me a story about their day. When I picked them up I asked them if they were ready to go back. K took a few seconds and then said 'yes' and S declined to comment. I think they had fun, and want to go back, but their first full day of routine and structure just wore them out.

We are School Bound!!!

On Tuesday I got a call around 11am. The twins had gotten into the More at Four program, their open house was that night, and they start Monday. Wow. Talk about little notice.

On Monday the twins will start their first year of school. It's a full day program that runs from 8a to 2:30p. They will get breakfast, snack and lunch there and will follow a state regulated pre-K program. The school is right down the street from us so it's very convenient.

My only problem is they separated the twins. Since I had so little time to even deal with the twins starting school I didn't even have time to talk to anyone with my desires. When I walked in the door to the open house, the director saw me and the first thing out of her mouth was...'I separated them'. I explained to her my dissatisfaction with that choice but didn't push to have it changed because I didn't want to be 'that mother' on the first day. We will see how it goes...but I'm thinking it will be a pain.

So far I am not sure on S's teacher. She is very quiet and from a first impression she seems kind of snotty. She didn't seem to make any true attempt to talk to S and didn't seem engaged with the kids much. We will see. I have been surprised on how off first impressions can seem and HOPEFULLY this is the case here. I am SUPER happy though that S's speech therapist from the last year will see him at his school. She was wonderful with S and he loved her.

K's teacher is actually a man, which I kind of like, and actually feel S could benefit from too. He was great with the kids, trying to engage them and talked to each of them one on one vs just talking to parents. He is actually the fiancee of an acquaintance of mine through the local mommy group. I had met him several time before but it took me a few minutes to place him when I saw him. My biggest concern for K is the food. They feed them, and I am not allowed to bring in outside food. Anyone who knows K knows that she is an EXTREMELY picky eater. I worry that there will be many struggles with food, but I guess it's something K will have to deal with.

I will take and post pics on Monday. Thankfully I am off their first 2 days of school so I will be able to see them off and pick them up. K and S are so excited and after the open house ask every few hours when they are going back. I hope the enthusiasm sticks with us for most of the year :o)