Staycation Day #1

Today we went to our town's Natural Science Center. In the last few weeks they added on a new aquarium we the four of us checked it out. The exhibit was quite nice, but I guess to pay for this nice exhibit they raised the price of admission. Unless I go ahead with a yearly membership, I don't think we'll be back anytime soon.

Things Are Going Well...

I finished my semester for school. I am adding an additional class because the semester doesn't officially end until September 30th and I shouldn't waste the time. It also doesn't add additional cost so it would be dumb not to do it.

The twins are doing well. I miss them terrible all week and then within an hour of them getting home I want to send them back :0P Next week I am taking the week off work. I can't wait!! Not only do I escape work for 9 whole days...but I will have all the kids with me and we are planning some fun things.

My other adventure is going better. I gave up and walked away from my first attempt which was only a source of negative feelings and insecurities. My second attempt, although still fresh, is going much better :0) Maybe, if things continue to look up, I'll actually share details :0)

I'm going to try and remember to blog next week sharing our daily adventures. Be on the look out!

Trying to Keep Positive

The twins came home for the first time in three weeks on Friday evening. A friend had made plans to go to the Drive In Movie that night so I decided to surprise the kids and take them too. When my sister brought the twins at 7p I was already waiting in the car with M. They looked at me a little disappointed that they would be getting back into a car, but I promised them it was a good surprise.

It took almost an hour to get there and the kids spent the whole time trying to guess what we were doing. Once we pulled in and the kids saw the big movie screen, a playground and their friends, they were ecstatic! They played and ate for the next 90 minutes while we waited for it to get dark enough for the movie to start.

First we watched Monsters University, which for the most part was good. I'll be honest, I tuned out about half way through and read on my kindle. The movie ended at 1130p and I tried to convince the kids to go home. They would not agree so we stayed for movie number two, Despicable Me 2. For this movie I fell asleep shortly after the opening credits and woke up five minutes before it ended at 1a. All three kids were still wide awake watching the movie when it finished. I was shocked.

We headed home after a quick stop at McD for a large frappe for mommy! We got home at 2a, 2a!!! I didn't realize just how late a Drive In Movie experience would be. Next time I will try to be more prepared for the lack of sleep.

Fortunately, the kids all slept past 10a the next morning :0)

I Give Up

Fuck. It. All.

Anxiety 2.0

I reached my breaking point yesterday. Wow. For a few weeks this anxiety has been drilling away. Weighing down my shoulders, causing heaviness in my chest and causing moments of panic throughout the day. A few times I felt like I was about to cry...but even after giving myself 'permission' not a tear would come. There were days where I felt like if I could just cry, I would feel so much better.

Well, yesterday the tears finally came. OMG did they ever come. Big, messy, sobbing, hyperventilating, snotty, puffy eyes, and burning cheeks kind of cry. It was about so many things.

This new adventure I am trying...
The school work that is currently kicking my ass...
The job which has a weird vibe right now...
The knowledge that my best friend is no longer visiting this summer...
And being away from my children for far too long...

I'm sure there were other things too, but these were my predominate thoughts during my breakdown. I actually got to a point where I didn't want to be alone - which right now I am since there are no children in the house. And, of course my list of friends who I can rely on has severely diminished recently - another cause for the breakdown. Luckily one friend, who was busy and couldn't physically be with me, was able to talk with me for awhile and I was able to calm down and even laughed some near the end of the conversation.

Today, while I am still weighed down, I do feel better. I do think that cry was very therapeutic and I released a lot of the pent up frustration. Of course all those listed stressors haven't gone anywhere so the stress is still there. I will continue to work through them, but maybe now that I've had that great big cry, I won't feel so overwhelmed.

Here's to managing a little better and not feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders!!

Anxiety Sucks

I live with anxiety every day. Most days I can control it and go on. The last week or so I feel like it has taken over. I know that this is a direct result of some of the changes in my life that i am trying to implement, but know that doesn't really make it easier.

I wake up every day trying to tell myself that I will not let this anxiety dictate how I will go through the day. It will not make decisions for me. It will not keep me from doing the things I need to do.

So far, I've done pretty good ignoring it and moving forward. I hope that I can keep this up. Some of the changes coming are things that I really want. I guess I'm just terrified of what to do with them when I have them ;0)

Here's to my continued strength.

Kind of Weird Around Here...

So far we are 1 week into Summer Break. Well, I guess it's really only a break for the twins, since M and my lives haven't changed much at all.

Before the end of the year I looked into all sort of summer care options for the twins and I was left with one discovery. There was no way I could pay for any of it. My budget is beyond tight and right now there just isn't any give. I started to panic...like freak out panic...and then my mom came to the rescue. This summer, the twins will be cared for by her. This is a wonderful result and deep down I am very grateful for the offer but one thing totally sucks. My parents live 45 minutes away. I now drive them Sunday night, and pick them up Friday evening. So this summer I will barely see my babies! Of course, they did great this week, I don't even think missing me at all. We will get through it and I just need to focus on what a horrible mess I would be in if this option wasn't available to me.

With the twins gone, of course M is attached at the hip to me. A few people have said with the twins gone..."the house will be so quiet"..."you'll have more time for school"..."you'll have so much time on your hands"...yah right. The twins were M's best friends. He played with them, slept with them, bugged them and went outside with them. Without them...it's me. I do enjoy the extra bonding time at times and it's been great to go out for a bit with one child, but life at home is much more difficult with just M vs all three.

I am trying very hard to get myself a social life of some sort. Be my own person instead of just being a 'mom' and a 'nurse'. It's been months since I did anything for me. Due to several reasons I have dropped out of every social group I belonged to and as a result I haven't left this house for something other than work or kid related activities in over half a year. That needs to change. So, this past week, also called Week One, I went out to a book club dinner and then another night went to a friends house for dinner. Now, I still had M both times, so it's not entirely 'me' time, but its a good step in the right direction. I also made some initial steps in another area of my life, which at this time I'm not going to get into ;o) Let's just see where it goes for now...