Half Way There

Today I am 20 weeks pregnant...half way there. It's been a rough 20 weeks and I'm sure the next 20 will bring the same. I am sort-of looking pregnant. By that I mean if I wear the right maternity short or what not but for the most part...I think I just look fat.

I was thinking last night about how I haven't really bonded or connected with this baby. Part of me thinks it may be because I how crappy I feel. But that doesn't really make sense as I think I bonded with the twins pretty early and they actually made me feel much worse. Another thing could be my disappointment with the gender. I still get down sometimes over this. I am part of a due date group. There are 10 or so of us and so far me and another mom are the only two with boys...everyone is having girls and I have to admit...each time a 'girl' announcement is made...I get a little jealous.

But even with those reasons, I think the issue may be deeper. When I was pregnant with the twins I lived mostly in the 'real world'. I didn't belong to online support groups or mothers boards. I pretty much only knew what was around me, only things from personal experience. Well since the twins birth, and obviously this pregnancy, my live is definitely more consumed by online life. I think this is what has affected me. And I'll tell you why....

• On my single mother board there have been two infant losses. One at about 23 weeks and one at full term.
• On my local mommy board there have seen a few preterm infant losses.
• A coworker had her baby about 3 weeks ago at 24 weeks. She was only 14oz and unlikely to survive
• This morning a mom in my multiples group email me to say that at 24 weeks she went into preterm labor and lost both her sons.

I guess I can't help but feel like maybe I need to stay disconnected to protect myself. Maybe once I get to 24...28 weeks I will allow myself to connect or bond? I actually bought a Doppler a few months ago and every night I check to make sure there is still a heartbeat...this was never a real concern with the twins. Or maybe it's a combination of feeling crappy, being disappointed and knowing so many lately that have lost their precious little ones.

I have a name for my son. I have for awhile and yet I do not refer to him with it. I have had some fun with purchasing clothes, nursery items, cloth diapers and such for him...but they are all still in the bag. By this time with the twins, there entire nursery was done.

So I guess my challenge to myself in the coming weeks will be to bond with my son. Allow myself to open up to him and know that my chances for losing him are so very small. Try to start painting, decorating and registering for his arrival this December. And maybe even start referring to my little one by his name...Max Gr*yson

Update....

I am fine :) My leg is sore and scabbed up, but otherwise I'm good. Trying my best not to do that again!

This week has been ok. Work is nice because I'm in the office this week. No dealing with patients, doctors or co-workers :) Looking forward to tomorrow afternoon when I'm done work for 5 days!!

OUCH!

Well today I did something dumb and painful. While unloading the groceries I fell down my front stairs onto the gravel driveway. My left leg took the brunt of my fall and boy does it hurt! I think what happened was I thought I was at the bottom of the flight and actually still had a stair or two.

Could have been much worse. I need to pay more attention to things. Hopefully the leg will heal quickly.

UP

I took the twins to see UP today. It took us long enough but we got there :)

It was a very cute movie. A few parts that were sad and beyond anything the twins could understand, but a cute movie nonetheless. My favorite were the dogs. The creators did a good job portraying them...not matter how smart they are...a squirrel or ball will distract them in an instant!

Feeling pretty good today. Twins were pretty well behaved. I guess it was a good day all around :)

Wow! Look at my Virtual Fetus :)

I am amazed to see how my little ticker thing-a-ma-gig changes from week to week. I remember in the begining when it was this alien, bean looking thing that was barely reconizable and now it's this little baby...awe...pregnancy hormones :)

Anyway, just noticed how much it's changed with my last post and decided to mention it :)

Ugh....Sucky Saturdays

So...are Saturday's going to be a horrible day for me now?

The day started out okay. The twins let me sleep in a bit and take my slow time to get ready. We then headed over to Babies R Us to buy Baby a new crib set. I am pretty set on this, but it was being discontinued. I bought all the needed parts now so that I didn't miss out and now I have 90 days to be 100% sure that it's what I want.

I think it's cute. I have noticed that most the boy's sets are this blue and brown or green. I have seen some cute prints (some I actually like better than this) but all in the green color and I just can't fall in love with green. Almost everything else is this color scheme and either very modern or with puppies. So right now, this is baby's new bedding.

We then went to Target were I picked up some great deals on toys. They had a bunch 50% off and with the kids already invited to 5 birthday parties! Then a kick stop for lunch and then home.

Then after sitting for a few minutes...I felt it. A migraine. I decided it was nap time, hoping that sleep would shake the pain and I could return to normal. I woke up with no such luck. I sit here with my head still hurting and the urge to vomit. I fear what is to come as so far this is the same course of events of last weekend. I can only hope and wish that it doesn't continue along the same path. Early to bed tonight!!

Back to 'Normal'

Pregnant normal anyway :)

I am starting to think that last week was just too much for me. Very little sleep, no resting and just the extra stress of having everyone around I think wore me out and my body reacted badly to it.

I started to feel better yesterday and I think my parents being around has helped. They did several things around the house that have been neglected as well as mowed the grass (I won't even say how long it's been since I did that)

I am still pukey and tired...but at my normal levels. Work today was tough but I felt okay. The meds seem to be working again, so I have been able to eat...which is always nice :)

So onto a more tolerable pregnancy, remembering that I need to take care of myself or else the consequences could be severe.