Thursday, June 27, 2013

Anxiety Sucks

I live with anxiety every day. Most days I can control it and go on. The last week or so I feel like it has taken over. I know that this is a direct result of some of the changes in my life that i am trying to implement, but know that doesn't really make it easier.

I wake up every day trying to tell myself that I will not let this anxiety dictate how I will go through the day. It will not make decisions for me. It will not keep me from doing the things I need to do.

So far, I've done pretty good ignoring it and moving forward. I hope that I can keep this up. Some of the changes coming are things that I really want. I guess I'm just terrified of what to do with them when I have them ;0)

Here's to my continued strength.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Kind of Weird Around Here...

So far we are 1 week into Summer Break. Well, I guess it's really only a break for the twins, since M and my lives haven't changed much at all.

Before the end of the year I looked into all sort of summer care options for the twins and I was left with one discovery. There was no way I could pay for any of it. My budget is beyond tight and right now there just isn't any give. I started to freak out panic...and then my mom came to the rescue. This summer, the twins will be cared for by her. This is a wonderful result and deep down I am very grateful for the offer but one thing totally sucks. My parents live 45 minutes away. I now drive them Sunday night, and pick them up Friday evening. So this summer I will barely see my babies! Of course, they did great this week, I don't even think missing me at all. We will get through it and I just need to focus on what a horrible mess I would be in if this option wasn't available to me.

With the twins gone, of course M is attached at the hip to me. A few people have said with the twins gone..."the house will be so quiet"..."you'll have more time for school"..."you'll have so much time on your hands"...yah right. The twins were M's best friends. He played with them, slept with them, bugged them and went outside with them. Without's me. I do enjoy the extra bonding time at times and it's been great to go out for a bit with one child, but life at home is much more difficult with just M vs all three.

I am trying very hard to get myself a social life of some sort. Be my own person instead of just being a 'mom' and a 'nurse'. It's been months since I did anything for me. Due to several reasons I have dropped out of every social group I belonged to and as a result I haven't left this house for something other than work or kid related activities in over half a year. That needs to change. So, this past week, also called Week One, I went out to a book club dinner and then another night went to a friends house for dinner. Now, I still had M both times, so it's not entirely 'me' time, but its a good step in the right direction. I also made some initial steps in another area of my life, which at this time I'm not going to get into ;o) Let's just see where it goes for now...

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