It's Over

In the last week or so life has decided to use me as its punching bag. Many of the shitty things that have happened can be normal every day occurrences for a single mom of three kids, who works full time and goes to school full time, but there has also been little special treats like a broken down fridge and someone stealing $2000 from my bank account. All of these things added to my already chaotic life made me feel like I was drowning and couldn't catch my breath. I thought it couldn't possibly get worse but I was wrong.

As of tonight I am no longer seeing C. I won't go into details because honestly, they are rather painful. I thought if you wanted something and worked at something hard enough you could be successful at it. I was wrong. I really don't know where to go from here. I started looking to date because I felt so lonely and needed adult companionship, but when the trade off can cause this much heartache, I'm not so sure it's worth it. Obviously emotions are raw right now...I'm sure my final decision will come a while from now and probably change many times. Just kind of in a confused, lonely, hurt place right now.

Feeling a Bit Better

Last week was rough for so many, many reasons. More reasons than I will go into. But, the important thing is that it's better, and I have a plan on how to deal with most of it. I will go into two of the endless stressors just because I'm sure I'll have more to write soon.

I am trying to do better with taking care of myself. It's always a struggle, but one thing I decided to do was get back to some doctors that I have been needing to see. Well one doctor followed up a simple, innocent statement I made and now I have to have surgery. Initially this was an office procedure that was no big deal with virtually no recovery time, to no...the risk of bleeding is too high  so now it's a full out surgery with general anesthesia in the local hospital. Sigh...I actually initially told them nevermind, I don't want it done. After thinking about it for a few days I decided I needed to go forward. So, now I have even more pre-op doctors appointments and a surgery scheduled for October 4th.

I have mentioned my sister J before. She dates all the NFL players. She was with a Steeler for awhile, then a Panther and early this year started dating a Packer. She has been with this guy for longer than the others, however keep in mind they have never spent more than 10 continuous days together. The vast majority of their relationship has been via text or phone. J's plan had been to move to Green Bay in January for them to solidify their relationship with the plan to eventually get married. Okay, I figure it was a long shot, but hey, she's young and miracles do happen.

Well early last week J found out she was pregnant. This is such a sad thing. J has never been able to even take care of herself. She is 23 but very immature and has always been dependent on people. Heck, she is currently living in my office because she was driving my parents nuts. There is no way this girl can take care of a baby. Add to that the fact that now her, low likely to survive relationship is now almost certainly destined for doom and it makes the situation even sadder. I am so mad at her for allowing this to happen. She has no clue what she has done and her and my mom have the balls to be upset with me because I'm not celebrating the news.

I don't think I've mentioned this here either, but in November my parents are retiring to Mexico. They plan to live there in the winter and their cabin home in the summer. This means that J's only family here is me. This means that I am now home base for J to run away to when her and her boyfriend decide they hate each other. I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to have her and a baby in my house. My life is hard enough and I am not helping to raise her and her baby. Really, the only silver lining to this whole event is her boyfriend has a multi-million dollar contract so I would hope she will never have to fight for support or financial help.

So, keep me in your thoughts until January when J moves out of my house...hopefully never expecting to return!

My Own Worst Enemy

My mind is the meanest, most hateful thing. And it directs this negativity towards myself. If I could figure out a way to shut it up I would.

You see I am my own worst enemy. I am very insecure and I don't see much value in myself. I don't see myself as attractive or desirable and I definitely can't understand why someone would want to be with me. I have battled these feelings all my life. The get quiet sometimes, louder others. I fight them down and use logic to push them away. Most of the time, I do okay. But when I'm trying something new...something that opens me to so much potential for hurt...those negative thoughts can become much stronger than any logic.

I mentioned previously that I haven't dated in more years than I would care to admit. I will say however that the feelings, insecurities and panic that I am feeling now, are identical to what I felt years ago which led to the decision to walk away from the dating world  and never to look back. I ran away and buried my feelings deep. I was safe. It was risk free. It turned out, that it was also lonely.

I'm trying not to run. I need to face my fears. Since these feelings of panic and negativity are familiar from years ago, it has nothing to do with who I am seeing (C). C has been a great guy, saying wonderful things and assuring me that I am who he wants to see. He hasn't given me any reason to doubt him. He is a good guy, with what seems to be good intentions. I have fun when I'm with him and enjoy chatting with him. So why the trouble?

C is a very busy guy. He lives about 50 minutes from here. He just started Law School. He works as much as he can to pay his bills and his tuition. Time is very limited for him and as such we can only see each other every week or so and there isn't a lot of time to chat in the evenings. So when I see him, and for a few days afterward I am good. I am reassured that for some reason he is with me and things are good. But then as the days go on...doubt creeps in. Maybe he's changed his mind. Maybe he's found someone better. Maybe this is a huge joke at my expense. Again, he's done nothing to indicate that these are true...but it's what my mind comes up with. Another problem, he's a really nice guy. He's cute, successful, smart, funny, driven, etc. So why the hell is he with me?

So anyway, logically I know that this is my mind being horrible to myself. I need to trust C's words and actions. I need to accept that I am actually worth something, that I may actually be someone worth hanging out with. When I started this journey I remember thinking that it would be so nice to have another person actually see me as someone desirable. Someone who doesn't just see the body I'm in. Someone who for the first time in my life will see me as beautiful and someone who can be desired. I am probably as close as I'll ever be to that happening and I'm pushing it away and want to run.

Please pray/hope/think of me. I really want this to work. I want to know what it feels like to be wanted. I want to have a normal adult relationship. I don't want to fuck this up. I want to go more than a few days without feeling weight and pressure on my chest with the feeling of impending doom. I know some would ask why I'm even doing this if it's causing me so much anxiety but again, I have ran from it for years and years and it's gotten me no where. I just can't keep running.

Anxiety 2.0

I reached my breaking point yesterday. Wow. For a few weeks this anxiety has been drilling away. Weighing down my shoulders, causing heaviness in my chest and causing moments of panic throughout the day. A few times I felt like I was about to cry...but even after giving myself 'permission' not a tear would come. There were days where I felt like if I could just cry, I would feel so much better.

Well, yesterday the tears finally came. OMG did they ever come. Big, messy, sobbing, hyperventilating, snotty, puffy eyes, and burning cheeks kind of cry. It was about so many things.

This new adventure I am trying...
The school work that is currently kicking my ass...
The job which has a weird vibe right now...
The knowledge that my best friend is no longer visiting this summer...
And being away from my children for far too long...

I'm sure there were other things too, but these were my predominate thoughts during my breakdown. I actually got to a point where I didn't want to be alone - which right now I am since there are no children in the house. And, of course my list of friends who I can rely on has severely diminished recently - another cause for the breakdown. Luckily one friend, who was busy and couldn't physically be with me, was able to talk with me for awhile and I was able to calm down and even laughed some near the end of the conversation.

Today, while I am still weighed down, I do feel better. I do think that cry was very therapeutic and I released a lot of the pent up frustration. Of course all those listed stressors haven't gone anywhere so the stress is still there. I will continue to work through them, but maybe now that I've had that great big cry, I won't feel so overwhelmed.

Here's to managing a little better and not feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders!!

Present...

So I have kinda given you a rapid overview of the highlights of the last year, mostly about the kids...now, what have I been up to the last year...

Well starting last May I started working more hours at work which eventually turned into an official full time position in January. I like my new role - more leadership/admin - and the hours work well for me. I knew it was time to start working full time and while I would have loved to stay part time forever, I'm glad I was able to stay home most of the time until M was three.

In May I also started to read again. I used to love to read and stopped after the twins were born. In May I installed the Kindle app on my iPad and started with the wildly popular Hunger Games and went on from there. I will have to admit now that reading has now become my obsession. It seems to calm me and take away some of my day to day anxiety. This is good, but also bad because of course I should be doing things like cleaning the house. I am a very fast reader - I can finish a 200 page book in a few hours - and I have been tracking my reading on Goodreads. In the last year I have read 307 books. Don't judge me.

This past fall I started to get into a slump. I was more introverted and really didn't get excited about much of anything. It was hard to power through events for the kids and things like Halloween. While I wouldn't say I was depressed, I definitely had a low period. I started looking at friendships and relationships I had and realized that many of them had seemed broken for awhile. I'm pretty sure I had been posting about this, but my twin mom group who I had been very connected to in the past, seemed to cause more hurt for me, and I often felt like I was left out or intentionally kept out of things. I did try to talk myself out of those feelings but they came to the forefront this winter. Initially it started after none of the friends from the twin group came to the twins party. I did hear from one group, but two other friends who have been at all the other parties just didn't show. It's kind of pathetic to say, but I was literally in tears that night knowing that what I was feeling wasn't off, but hurt that they allowed that to impact our children. The final nail in the coffin was a few weeks later when I was having a hard time keeping up with all my responsibilities due to health/work/school so I emailed the entire officer group - about 9 people, 4 of whom I would have once said were good friends - to let them know everything that was going on and to tell them I had to step down. Only two people, one of whom is not included in the four mentioned above - emailed me back to acknowledge what I had said. I initially wasn't going to completely leave the group...but after that obvious statement on where I stood with them...I haven't been able to go back.

My health has also been a frustration this past year. My MS is doing fine and in fact, this February marked 5 years since diagnosis with no flares since diagnosis! This is pretty huge!! Unfortunately I have been having problems with cellulitis. Right before Christmas I developed a spot under my arm that spread very quickly. In a matter of days I was admitted to the hospital and given IV antibiotics and had to have an I&D performed. There was no explanation for it other than it just sometimes happens. I was discharged from the hospital on Christmas Eve and thank goodness my parents were able to care for the kids while I was in the hospital and for a week after I got home. Almost exactly a month later, I developed another spot, this time on my abdomen. It followed the same rapid spread and I did everything I could to stay out of the hospital. This time my parents were not available and there was no way I could be admitted. I had a shot of antibiotic in the butt and was on 4 different pills. For a week I was taking over 20 pills a day to stay out of the hospital. Had my parents been here, I would have allowed myself to be re-admitted. After about a week things started to turn and luckily got better. Since that time I have had two more spots come up. Neither have been as bad, nor required medications. I have stopped taking my MS meds because that is the only thing I can think of that might be causing this. I went off them for 2 months and did okay and as soon as I restarted them, a developed another spot. This whole thing has been very frustrating and every time a new spot surfaces it causes me a lot of anxiety not knowing if this time I will need to be hospitalized again.

And because all the above wasn't enough to keep me on my toes...I started school in April as a full time student. Crazy huh? My hospital has a huge focus on all their RN's having their BSN degree...and I don't. They decided that all RN's in higher level positions had to get their degree within a few years or be stripped of everything. So, I am begrudgingly going back to school. I am in a 100% online program and so far it hasn't been too bad, but I would, of course, rather not be doing it. My evenings and weekends are focused on classes now...which stinks. I should graduate in September of 2014 if all goes well.

Otherwise, I think I'm about the same. My weight hasn't changed any...which is bad. It's always on my 'I really need to' list which I never quite seem to do anything about. Money is tight as always. Friendships are even suckier than before, because while I've always had a hard time having close friends, the few I had are gone. Right now I am very isolated and withdrawn. I need to work on this, but I'm not sure how. And...in news probably related to the last point, I have started to feel like maybe I don't want to live my life by myself. I've always been very happy being single and have rarely had thoughts otherwise, but lately I yearn for another adult in my life. The problem is the package I'm offering isn't very appealing and anytime I think I might reach out, I am reminded of the high likelihood of failure and additional hurt.

So...here's my year in a nut shell. I will try to post again before May 2014 ;0)

To leave you, here are a few pics of the kids I took this weekend

I'll Start With the Bitching

On Monday me and a friend took the kids to the zoo (which will be my next post) and everything went really nice. The kids got along pretty well, the weather was wonderful, and the animals were out.

We were finishing up our visit when we stopped to get a drink. I pulled out my phone to check the time, got two cokes and then headed for the tram. We rode the tram back to the entrance where we were going to check out one more exhibit. We got to the exhibit and I again reached for my phone to check the time...only...it was gone. :( :( :( In a matter of 15 minutes my phone disappeared.

I filed all the reports and have called them everyday hoping for a miracle, but none was to be found. I can't believe I lost my phone. My virtually new iPhone4 with a ton a pictures, apps, data, videos and all my contact info. Of course, it also wasn't insured, so now I'm screwed. I can't even get the darn thing replaced.

I was able, thanks to my sister J, to get another phone, but it's not an iphone. I can no longer call and text with the twins and their ipods. I don't have all my cool apps. I can text limitless with my other iphone friends. I know it sounds stupid, but this has really set an additional funk on my already depressed mood.

Lesson learned. Make sure I keep better tabs on my phone and make sure I find some way to back up all my info.

Oh Holy Hell

They qualified him. I can't friggin believe it. He qualified for OT services.

Through out my life I have been around children. My mom ran a daycare from her home. I never had a job at a physical location as a teen; I always babysat. According to this, more than half the children I cared for, or observed had some sort of problem.

Early intervention has lost a lot of respect from me today. We live in a culture that wants to label everything. Everyone needs to live within a very small margin of 'normal' and if you don't, then there must be a problem.

Since this is the same agency that provides M with his speech services, I feel I have no choice but to accept OT services. If I don't I will also be labelled, I'm sure. I will tolerate the therapy for a few months and then cut it out. As it is...I don't even know what I'm looking for to know whether or not is is helping.

Absolutely ridiculous!

OT Evaluation

A few months ago, M's social worker came by to observe his speech therapy session. He was pretty typical during this session with his behavior. Sometimes, he is hard to keep interested in a specific activity; he doesn't like to remain sitting for the entire thirty minutes; and if he is asked, or pushed to do something he doesn't want, he will often break down into a mini-tantrum.

I feel most these behaviors to be pretty consistent with two year olds. He does act out a little more than the twins. He is hard headed and stubborn. And he is very physical - loves to climb, jump, throw etc. Again, fairly typical for a two year old boy. Well, his social worker didn't think so.

She immediately started to throw around words like 'sensory seeking' and intervention. I will be honest, as she was talking she really got my defenses up because she was talking like my kid had a sensory disorder after watching him for thirty minutes. Really, in the end, it pissed me off. She immediately wanted to schedule an evaluation for him. While I really wanted to tell her to shove it, I didn't want to be 'that parent' who is in denial over what could potentially be wrong with her child. I begrudgingly agreed.

The OT evaluation was this week. In the end, the therapist said that she would need to 'score' it to know for sure where M fell and if he qualified for services, but that overall she felt he had typical two year old behavior with some sensory seeking behavior. Do you want to know what his sensory seeking behavior was??

• Playdoh. He liked to play with it. Apparently it is weird for two year olds to want to play with it. My impromptu FB poll would say otherwise.
• Co-sleeping. M still co-sleeps and won't sleep in his own bed.
• Being Cuddly. I told the therapist he was my cuddly baby who liked to be held and snuggled on.
• Lining Up Cars. I told her that he liked to line up his cars and race them. Now I know there can be problems with kids who like to line up objects or otherwise categorize things, but M does this with one thing, and not that often. I told her this, but it was still note-worthy.

Now, while I completely understand that there are children in the world with Sensory Processing Disorders (SPD) I do not believe my child to be one of them. If we have gotten to the point where children who display the above behaviors are labelled as sensory seeking, then it's no wonder to me that diagnosis' such as SPD and autism are going through the roof. It is almost getting to the point that the 'typical' kids are in the minority.

I promise. I am not one of those moms who can't see the issues their child has. I am the one who recognized and fought for services for all three of my children for speech therapy. I asked for S to have an OT evaluation last year for concerns with fine motor. I constantly watch my children and believe completely in early intervention and the utilization of resources available to you. I just have a huge problem with labels and diagnosis being thrown around easily and nonsensically. To me, this gives a huge disservice to those who truly have these problems. If after scoring M, it shows he qualifies for services...god help me.

And for the record...his behaviors are no different than all the other children his age that we play with, and any of the adults that are constants in his life are shocked at the notion that he has anything sensory related.

Well that Hurt...

Another post about crappy friends and feeling like s#it.

On the way to my twin club meeting tonight I ran into Panera to get some dinner. As I walked in I found my three friends having dinner together before the meeting.

I used to really enjoy this club. I got a lot of friendship and support from it but now it seems to cause more hurt and feelings of seclusion. Maybe I need to reevaluate my membership.

I am starting to wonder what hurts more. The feeling of loneliness from not having any good, close friends, or being constantly hurt by the people I think are good friends.

Sigh...

Insurance Rant #45982710

I received the medical bill for M's emergency room visit in January. It was quite a bit more than I thought it should be. Per my insurance, I pay a $150 co-pay for an emergency room visit, and an initial co-insurance of $400 per person. When I read through the bill, my co-pay was listed as $300.

I called my employer and was told that my insurance had made the determination that my emergency room visit was non-emergent and therefor I was being charged an additional $150.

Um....Say the Fuck what?

Children die every year from MRSA sepsis and my child was now on day three of fevers, spreading wounds and an abscess that was threatening circulation to his right leg. This was on a Sunday night, after office hours and after urgent care hours. How is this not emergent? Should I have waited until he was non-responsive, lethargic with other vital sign changes before bringing him in? The doctor was concerned that M might need to be admitted to the hospital. This wasn't urgent?

So needless to say I am launching an appeal and complaint. (1) It should not be up to the insurance company to look at a billing code and decide whether or not the care was warranted and (2) if my child's physician tells me to take my child to the emergency room I should not have to question whether or not my insurance will concur with his direction.

I'm not sure I will win this one, but I will fight tooth and nail for it. The thing that ABSOLUTELY SUCKS is I work for the hospital system that's screwing me and, if I refuse to pay, they just take it from my paycheck.

This just might be a catalyst that makes me look into pulling the kids from my insurance and having them cared for by the tax payers. As horrible as that is, I see no choice. I am trying to do the right thing and yet I am drowning in medical bills. This plain sucks!

***I have no idea why this post is formatted weird. I have tried to fix it with no luck***

So Much Going On

Sorry I have been absent. I have had so much to say, but then when I sit to write it, I get overwhelmed and just give up. The last week alone has been very trying. I will give a quick run down.

1. Sunday night while finishing up what seems like my millionth load of laundry, the washer stops working. Not a great feeling. I have actually had a sense of doom about the house for a little while now because after my 12 month marathon of monthly house repairs, it had been rather quiet. Luckily someone came out and found that it was just a simple switch. Repair and all only cost $60. Score one for me.

2. Another Sunday night defeat. Max laid down to take a nap about 5p on the couch. All was well. When he woke around 8p he was covered, once again with MRSA sores. I just wanted to cry. We are all still on special soaps and I did everything I could. First thing Monday morning he was seen by his doc. I expressed how frustrated I was and the doctor really didn't have any further advice for me other than this can be typical, and I was doing everything right. He is now on 2 weeks of high dose antibiotics followed by 4 weeks of low dose. He is also on the nasal treatment and will continue with surgical soap. Since we caught it early there wasn't a lot of drama with fevers or draining this time...so that was great!

3. A few weeks ago, a close acquaintance had premature triplets. 2 boys and a girl were born at 29 weeks but doing rather well. Monday morning I found out that the girl had developed a sudden infection and died Sunday night. News like this always sends me into a depression. I felt like sh!t all day. Boys are doing well and I hope they continue on that path.

4. Monday night while talking to someone who I am starting to develop a good friendship with - will probably post about that at a later time - she mentioned that her dad was being taken to the hospital for shortness of breath. Her dad is somewhat of a celebrity around here and he was speaking at an event. We stopped talking at about 9:40p so that she could meet her dad. At 10:30p I signed onto FB only to see on my news feed people posting about his death. I was in SHOCK. This man was an amazing guy. The twins also knew him well because they are best friends with his grandson, and he volunteered in their classroom several days a week. I saw him the morning he died walking his grandson in.

The news has been in the media all week. I was able to attend the visitation which I was grateful for and then even able to watch the funeral service streaming online. The more I learned about him the sadder I felt. Not only did this community lose a great man, but I felt guilt for not getting to know him better while he was here. Its been a tough week with the emotions but also talking to the twins who have had lots of questions.

So today is Sunday...one week exactly from when the chaos started. I'm hoping for a quiet week. I will try to post more as I have some plans for change in place. I am just hoping I succed in them.

And It's Done as Quickly as it Started

Yep, J and Jo are no longer. I have to admit, I'm a little sad. J has really matured and made some good decisions since being with Jo. I, of course am worried that she will revert to the person she once was, but right now, I am trying to hold out hope that the change is a permanent one.

What happened you ask...who knows. While I liked the relationship, I really didn't know Jo all that well. I only met him once and everything else I knew was from what J shared. A few times I had a little red flag go up in my mind, but I thought is was more from my prejudices, than an actual issue. You see, Jo was extremely religious. And not that that in itself is bad, but it seemed like all interactions, conversations and decisions had to revolve around religion. It seemed at times like an obsession.

There were also inconsistancies. Jo would say 'this' was important only after doing something in direct conflict to it. He was often 'preachy' and critical of others who did not follow a similar path. Now again, none of these behaviors were 'bad' or problematic, just things that made me think.

The last week Jo was at a revival. Each night he called J to share his renewed faith and lessons he learned each day. He was very excited and energetic with his message. As the week went on my sister said he acted more and more 'weird'. Today's call came with the message that he needed to life his life for God. There was no longer room for anyone else. He was giving of his entire self to life his life as he thought God saw fit. J said he was so odd that she is actually worried that he might even leave football. From what she was saying it sounded like he had been
'brainwashed'

I know that statement is probably offensive to some, and while I don't want to offend people, that is truly what I think. Him and J had a good thing, but his thinking seems obsessive, manic, disorganized. I tend to think that in a few days/weeks he will come back to J and claim to have made a mistake. I don't know. Maybe not. J is upset, but she actually seems more concerned for him than angry. She was falling for him, so if he did come back, I'm not sure if she would risk this again, or walk away for good.

And, you might ask, what is my mother's thoughts on all this. Well she left for Mexico for three weeks this past weekend. She doesn't know. That's probably a good thing. Honestly, based on her erratic behavior, I have no idea what her reaction will be.

So...it's a shame it had to end. Keep your fingers crossed for me that J has really grown and learned the good lessons he did instill in her. He held her to a much higher standard that other boyfriends have and I think her self-esteem did benefit from it. I hope she matured enough to see this growth for herself and hold onto it.

Patients are out of F'in Control

Not in a time too long ago when people were sick they went to the doctor. Sometimes they would be sent to be treated in a hospital. While in the hospital, the medical team would treat that patients with proven methods, administer effective medicine and the patient would actively participate in their care with the intent on getting out of the hospital as soon as possible.

In today's world this is no longer. The medical team no longer seem to have any say in the plan. The patient has taken over control.

Today the patient comes to the hospital. Tell us what they 'know' is wrong with them and demand their choice of treatment, the drugs (amount & schedule) they want, tests they want run and all while being treated exactly the way in which they want to be treatment. And you know what...I am damn sick of it.

In nursing school we learned what things made people better. Get up out of bed, maintain a good airway by performing several breathing exercises an hour, limit the amount of any drug, but especially narcotics as their side effects usually hinder recovery. To prevent complications, some things that may not necessarily be pleasant, like a daily shot, might be necessary. You may need to force yourself out of bed the day after surgery even though it hurts. Follow a specific diet, because while it may not be want you want, it won't contain things that will make your disease worse. I went into nursing to help people. I will say, that I probably do help 75% of my patients. Patients who work with their medical team, participate in their care and seem to have a true interest in their health. The other 25% are slowly draining any desire I have to go to work. They are sucking every ounce of compassion that I have.

These other half seem to know everything. They come in with their plan and if you deviate from it, they cause holy hell. They can't be told differently. They demand narcotics around the clock because they hurt, yet you can barely wake them between doses. They refuse to walk in the halls because they hurt, but then claim we are doing something wrong because they are nauseous, their wounds aren't healing and pneumonia is starting to set in. They refuse their shots or compression stockings because they're uncomfortable but are the first to scream 'law suit' when they develop a blood clot in their legs.

These 25% of patients are whats ruining the state of health care in this country. They have cause doctors to lose their spines. We now practice was is called 'cover your ass' health care. Sprain your wrist...let's order an xray. Have the flu, lets run a CT just in case. Headache? Well lets get an MRI and maybe even a lumbar puncture. Doctors are now afraid of their patients. They are afraid of what patients will do if they miss something. So now everyone with simple complaint gets the full workup just in case they are the 0.001% that has something major.

As a result, what was a simple doctors visit is now costing us and our insurance companies thousands of dollars. And then we wonder why premiums are going up, people are becoming un-insurable, and there is so much health care corruption. If doctors could go back to being doctors, tell the patient what is wrong with them, order the STANDARD treatment, and not give in to unproven, or even sometime ludicrous requests, just because it's what the patient wants I think health care might actually have a chance.

I am all for patient rights. I think all patients should ask questions, be informed of what is going on and make choices on who their provider is, as well as the type of treatment they want - traditional, holistic, herbal etc. But when the patient starts to have more rights than the people treating them and as a result is actually receiving care we know is harmful to them, there is obviously something broken.

Smothered

Okay, so this is going to be a totally crazy post given what I just posted about yesterday, but I need to vent...and if you have suggestions...please give them.

I have a friend who I used to work with. She is 65 years old and has always been very sweet to me and the kids. For the last 4 years she has even come over every Sunday and picked N up to take her to church and lunch. This gives me such a nice break once a week.

She is very well meaning, but I always feel like she is smothering me. At 65, she obviously isn't 'best friend' material. She is more like an adoptive grandma to the kids. The reason she drives me nuts - she wants to help, impose, involve herself in so many things.

Tomorrow is K's surgery. My mom will be here with the boys. While I am at the hospital I will be working while K is in surgery and then hanging out with her when she's in her room. I have no problem with being there by myself. I was there by myself last time. But G has said she is coming to spend the day with me. From 8:30a to probably 7 or 8 pm she will be there, and honestly, this stresses me out more than the surgery itself.

I will be busy. I have to work - make phone calls, write notes - and I don't want to feel like I need to be entertaining her. She is very touchy-feely and I am not. It makes me very uncomfortable. So then when K returns to her room I will also have to deal with a third person there. I just want to focus on my work and then my daughter. I have hinted to her several times that I don't need her there; that it will be boring; such a long day and drive, but she hasn't relented. She is going to be there, and I have no way to stop it without hurting her feelings.

This isn't the first time she has done this. After the twins were born she was right in my room. Sitting by me, even tried to help me breastfeed!! Um...no. When I was pregnant with M she kept telling me to call when I went into labor because she would come. I didn't even want my own mother in the delivery room...why would I want her? I called her, after M was born and she acted hurt because I didn't call sooner. She also frequently tried to push her religious beliefs on me and the kids, which is also a big no-no for me.

So, yes, this post is a direct contrast to yesterday's. But I don't want a friend who invades my space, pushes themselves on me and tries to get involved in things that I want to keep within my family. I have tolerated it, because like I said, it's all well meaning and she is doing it out of concern, but at some point she should realize that I don't want it. I do want her friendship and a relationship with her, just not the one she is pushing.

Be there for me. Call to check on me. If I need you...I'll let you know.

Disconneted

You know, the more I am around those who I have considered friends, the more I feel disconnected. At this point in my life, I have no continued contact with anyone from my past. I have not made any real connections as an adult. I know that I can't blame others. I am the common denominator here and therefor that would indicate that the problem has to be more me than them. And, I do agree with that statement to a point.

I am a person who doesn't open up easily. I fiercely protect myself. I have been abandoned by my biological father; my first stepfather physically and emotionally abused me; I have chosen a life on my own to avoid the potential hurt and devastation that a relationship could bring. Growing up, these insecurities would cause a lot of pain. I seemed to try to create friendships with those who would turn their back on me. No true support or alliances. I tried to be friends with many who used me, made fun behind my back or who were different people than they led me to believe. There is not a single one of my 'best friends' who I grew up with who I still have meaningful contact with. Shit..I can barely get them to return an email or facebook post.

As I grew, I created defense mechanisms. When I felt like the relationship was in jeopardy, when I felt hurt or betrayal, or if I felt like I was going to get hurt, I would pull back. I would turn inwards and pull away. Despite my hard outside, I am quite fragile and I can't take hurt over and over again. I guess I figure if I can get the wall up first, they can't hurt me.

So, when friends hurt me, intentionally or not, I pull away. I figure if I can distance myself and convince myself that I don't care, I can't get hurt. This, of course, probably hurts me more than helps. Maybe this defense mechanism, makes it seem like I don't care to them. Maybe it makes whatever the initial problem worse. I don't know. I know it's not a healthy way to deal with things, but it is the way I have been 'trained'. When you get beat up - physically and emotionally - enough times, you figure out ways to block the hits.

I would love to be able to spend time with people who I once considered friends and feel comfortable. Feel free to be myself or relax. Sadly, right now, I don't think there is anyone who does that for me. I continue to push through. Attend events with friends, but in the end, I usually feel more lonely, more depressed, more disconnected than if I had just given up and stayed home. I often sit while watching others talk, laugh, connect and feel like I'm right back in high school. Part of my just wants to give up and stop trying.

So, it seems as though the thing I 'do' to protect myself and keep from re-living my past pains and betrayals, may in fact be causing them. How wonderful is that? At 31 years old, I know I am still considered 'young' but I often times feel like the negative parts of myself have just grown and become more ingrained in me.

So why am I putting this out there? I don't know. Maybe in a few days I will come back and erase this post. Right now I feel like maybe if I get it out, I will feel better? Maybe it will help me to change? Maybe someone who reads this will see one of their friends in this post and try to reach out harder to them. Sometimes outward appearances of strength, resilience and determination are just that...outward appearances. Sometimes what's in the inside is something quite different.

Lucky?

I heard many people speak about today and how it would be lucky. 11-11-11. Yes, very cool. I find fun in number combinations found in dates and times. Many posts were found on FB at 11:11 to commemorate 11-11-11. I was to work today, so I just hoped that it would bring an easy and fast passing day at work.

It would not be so. I had to call out of work today. I never call out of work. Seriously, I don't. It kills me to. In fact, I sat for over an hour with my stomach churning before picking up the phone. To add to the stress; any call out on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday has to be made up on a weekend. So now I get another weekend shift added to my next schedule. So, why did I call out? All three of my children have plotted against me.

M - On Wednesday night I found a small pimple. Looked like a bug bite. I basically ignored it. By Thursday, Q was saying that he was limping around the house and complaining about his leg hurting. When I got home at 8pm it didn't look horrible. By 1am the bug bite was huge. It was now an abscess. More concerning, there was over 10 smaller superficial abscesses surrounding the area. I actually considered taking him to the ED right then. I decided that since he wasn't febrile, I would wait until the next morning. We did get to the doctor today, he has multiple MRSA abscess and is on antibiotics again. He is pitiful. Tonight the abscess finally came to head, so I also got the pleasure of 'expressing' it.

K - Her pain is out of control. I feel like I am damaging her kidneys with all the ibuprofen I am giving her. It seems like I am giving to her way too much. K goes from fine to freak out screaming in a matter of minutes. I even have her on some stomach medicine to help prevent stomach irritation. Her surgery is scheduled for Wednesday. I can't wait. I so want her pain to be gone! Oh, and another bonus...the Children's Hospital called me today. They wanted to know what my plan was to pay her projected $27,000 hospital bill. Hahaha...yah, like I have a plan for that (insurance of course will pic up a good deal of it.)

S - While dealing with two crying children this morning, S wakes up and looks at me funny. He states he doesn't feel well...and...BLA...he throws up. After talking to him, it is clear that he has a migraine. S gets these once in awhile. His symptoms are always the same. Headache and vomiting. I medicated him before leaving for the doctor and he didn't move from the couch for a few hours. He seemed to get better around noon, but the headache returned this afternoon. After another dose of meds and another nap, he seems okay now. I hope it stays that way. Being a migraine sufferer myself, I can't imagine what it's like for a 5yo to suffer through.

So, in the last 2 months I have seen the kids' doctor more times than I probably have in the last 2 years. While there I made another appointment, although this one is for M's two year visit. I hope I don't see them before than.

So...maybe my luck is coming on 12-12-12??

Worried About K

It's been just over a year. Just over a year since I went through the difficult time of having K enduring test after test; finding a tumor in her bone; experiencing surgery. I was so pleased with her rapid improvement and our virtually 'immediate' cure.

Well I think it's back. For a few weeks K has been complaining of pain in that leg. I have ignored it for the most part because it was come and go and growing pains can be common during this time. I listened to her, but did not react. Well in the last week she has started to wake during the night crying in pain. For those who don't remember, this is the classic symptom for her bone tumor. I also think that today I noticed a slight limp.

I called her pediatrician on Monday but he wanted me to follow up with the surgeons at the children's hospital. I called them, but they felt like they usually only get the cases once a problem is found and that they don't do 'follow up'. A nurse coordinator was supposed to call me back today, but since it's now 10:45pm I don't think I'll get a call. I guess I need to call again tomorrow and see whats up.

I really don't want to start this again. I don't want to see K go through the pain and uncertainty of all this again, but more I am concerned for the next step. Last time we did conservative treatment which is usually very successful. The next step up was to take the chunk of bone from her leg which would result in non-weight bearing for a few weeks, casting and physical therapy...much more severe than our last experience.

I am worried. I don't want her to go through this again.

Feeling Disengaged

For the last 2 weeks or so, I have felt disengaged. I don't feel a connection to anything or anyone. I feel like everything that I have held important, has failed or let me down. I have lost faith or hope in things that once gave me some degree of satisfaction.

It's a weird feeling and one I don't like. I have to fight to get things done. I don't enjoy doing anything and I just feel 'blah'. Maybe it's a component to my depression and I need to struggle through it until it passes. I don't know. It makes life difficult, unhappy and it impacts my interaction with the kids.

The feeling started last week at work when a co-worker was promoted. It's difficult to understand why this would impact me without going into a HUGE back story. A very simplified version is that this employee is unreliable, immature and has other major issues. A group that I chair was asked to interview him for the position, which we did, and recommended that he did not get the position, and it was given to him anyway. Many years ago, this group also interviewed me for a position (not the one he got) and they also declined to give me the position. Only difference is it wasn't offered to me. This was a huge betrayal but it occurred when I was 1 weeks pregnant with the twins, so what was I going to do. So, with the other factors, and then my history with this group, it re-opens the wounds and makes me wonder why the position was held from me, but offered to him.

The local moms group that I am part of has been having some drama lately with a few members. Some of these members are long time trouble makers and nothing is ever done with them. Infact, in many ways it seems like the rules don't apply to them. After years of dealing with them, I am tired. I have two positions with this group. I announced this week that I am stepping down from one of them. I will probably hold on to the other, but that one doesn't involve direct contact with any members so it will hopefully be okay.

And I think the thing that knocked me down the most was the Twin Mom Fall Bazaar. I was in charge of organizing this. I have been working on it since July. Collecting registrations, communicating with vendors, planning the additional raffle and bake sale, designing the brochure and banner and then having them made and organizing the volunteer schedule to help with the Bazaar and Bake Sale. This group has over 60 members. If you count the members who weren't selling at the Bazaar, I maybe had 5-8 people bring baked items and/or help at the Bazaar.

I pushed through though. I did most of everything to prepare for this. I baked like a maniac on Friday to ensure enough supply. Friday night I went to the hall and set up all the tables and stored the drinks I had bought for the sale. Early Saturday morning I was there to help the other vendors and get the show going. I was there all day.

And the worst possible thing that could have happened, happened. Virtually no one came. All that planning, energy and effort wasted. Not only that but I had to stand there all day embarrassed and frustrated that I had a hall full of vendors and no customers. I advertised in many venues and really did all I could have. I don't understand why it failed. But it did. And this, I feel is my fault - even though logically I know I had no control over this.

But again, I felt left down by those around me. The numerous friends of mine who were supposed to come. The 60 members of the twins group who should have come to show support. The members of the group who are supposed to be my friends who when asked to help me replied they were busy - like I apparently sit on my ass all day.

So anyway...I'm just tired. I'm frustrated. I'm done. I have no one to count on, rules don't apply to everyone and double standards are everywhere. So ya, disengaged is my word for my mood. I hope it passes soon.

Poor Mook!

S - 3 yrs 9 months
K - 2 yrs 1 months
M - 1 yrs 9 months

I am not a fan of antibiotic use. The above is how long each of my children have gone into their life before being given their first antibiotic. I am pretty pleased with those numbers.

I am a true believer that we over use antibiotics and this is why we are now dealing with the super bugs we are. A sniffle, sore throat, cough...run to the doctor and get a drug. Hand sanitizer, soap, laundry detergent, baby wipes...all with added antibacterial compounds. These behaviors and products have led to our immune systems being out of whack and cause the bacteria to mutate and strengthen. I am a HUGE believer in natural immunity and you won't find any of those antibacterial products in my home.

Now, all that being said, I'm also not one of those parents who deny my children needed antibiotics when they are truly needed. K received her first dose when she was diagnosed with bilateral pneumonia and a double ear infection. S ended up with a large, very painful abscess to his upper thigh when he received his first dose. And now, Mook. He also has an abscess.

This stupid thing started as a small 'pimple' which was covered by his diaper. I tried antibiotic ointment, hot compresses and expressing the material, but in the end I conceded and took him to the doctor yesterday. By then it was very angry looking and he was starting to feel like maybe he was running a low grade temperature.

The doctor took a look and right away said MRSA - which pisses me off. If you want to label my kid with MRSA, you better darn prove that's what it is. She did take a culture and I guess I will hear this week. what grows. As I held down my baby she 'expressed' the hell out of it. And as a nurse, I can tell you the stuff that came out was NASTY. Poor Mook screamed through the whole event. This picture was taken right before that procedure and I can tell you that this does not give it justice. The lump was quite large and there was much more redness than this picture shows.
Now we have 10 days of antibiotics. Since this is a pretty big infection - and surgery was even mentioned - he's on pretty heavy duty drugs. Problem is these drugs taste vile and it's horrible trying to get them down my 21 month old three times a day. I will continue to force them though, because I want this to go away...without surgery and without an additional course of antibiotics.

Poor Mook!

I am Surrounded by F'in Idiots....Part II

I have written a bunch about how immature and irresponsible my sister is. She just never grew up. After 'graduating' high school with a 1.9 GPA and then never going to college she never really even got a job. She goes from home to home until that person is tired of her living off them and she moves on. Awhile ago I discovered that she had conned a man out of over $3000 claiming to have a child and having no money for xyz. In exchange for him sending her money, she sent him naked pictures of herself. If I found out about this one guy, I wonder how many others there are.

Well she has also had her share of relationships. About 3 years ago she met an NFL player in a club and since has been 'bouncing' around pro/college athletes. She had been with two Panthers, a Spur and two college players that I am aware of. W, is a college player who she has been off and on with the most.

For probably the last year they have been 'seeing' each other. He is never in the same town she is, so it's more like they hang out for a few days, talk for a few weeks, break-up and then restart the cycle. In early summer they broke up for good because he cheated on my sister and supposedly got his ex-girlfriend pregnant. I'm sure J was no angel but this is the version she told. She then started going out with another college player who was in the draft.

At this point I will include that my mom never has a problem with this behavior and actually encourages it. Whomever J is with, she talks about marriage and babies within the first few weeks of the relationship. It's actually quite odd and concerning that my mom would do this. It's so weird and contrary to the way I remember her being when I was a child. Why on earth would she encourage such irresponsible and erratic behavior in someone who obviously has no moral compass or direction of her own.

So this summer when she was with D my mom went on and on about how they should get married (in total I think the relationship lasted 6 weeks to give you perspective). She even posted something about a June wedding on her FB page and many people actually thought J had become engaged!

Well about 6 weeks into their relationship...guess who gets signed to the NFL? Yep, W. So suddenly W is fine, he did nothing wrong and J dumps D like a hot potato and suddenly LOVES W again. Apparently W is dumb as a box of rocks for not realizing that the only reason J went back with him is because he now has a contract with $$$$. And my mom is 100% fully on board with W now.

This all occured about 2-3 weeks ago. Fast forward to this weekend. J goes to visit W with my mom who is uber impressed with the hotel and other 'material' things he provides for them while they visit. On their way back, the two of them call me and asked me if I had any more ovulation tests left because J is moving in with W and they are going to try and get pregnant!

WTF???

So yes...my mom is totally encouraging and supporting my 21yo sister who has never had a job, responsibilities or quite honestly can wipe her own ass without help to have a baby with someone she has never spent more than a few consecutive days with at a time, and who she has only been back with for a few weeks. I don't even allow J to watch my kids because she has shown multiple times that she can't handle it.

I told my mom that I absolutely did not want to ever hear about this horrible, selfish, asinine plan again and I hung up on them. I literally am at a loss at how my sister could possibly be doing this, and how my mother could be okay with it. I don't know if they think that since W will have $$$ it won't matter if it doesn't work because then J will always get the support? I have no clue. Regardless of the reason the outcome will only be tragic. A child born to two people who have no idea what commitment or responsibility is who is being used as some sort of pawn in a game. My prediction is that if this does happen, my mom will be paying for it big time. Because unless W continues to do well and J can afford a nanny...my mom will be the one who gets to raise this baby.