Thursday, October 31, 2013

Stepping Back

I'm still here. Still trying to figure out my emotions and where I go from here. One day I'll be fine and then the next a puddle of goo. As time has passed I don't mourn the loss of the person, I mourn the loss of what could have been, what was possible, what I believed to be true for a short period of time. There were so many times I was happy with what I had but then the crushing it all worth it?

IDK...thats what I need to figure out. What I need/want to share right now is too negative, no raw for this blog. I am going to step back for a bit while I figure out where I go next...

Sunday, September 29, 2013

It's Over

In the last week or so life has decided to use me as its punching bag. Many of the shitty things that have happened can be normal every day occurrences for a single mom of three kids, who works full time and goes to school full time, but there has also been little special treats like a broken down fridge and someone stealing $2000 from my bank account. All of these things added to my already chaotic life made me feel like I was drowning and couldn't catch my breath. I thought it couldn't possibly get worse but I was wrong.

As of tonight I am no longer seeing C. I won't go into details because honestly, they are rather painful. I thought if you wanted something and worked at something hard enough you could be successful at it. I was wrong. I really don't know where to go from here. I started looking to date because I felt so lonely and needed adult companionship, but when the trade off can cause this much heartache, I'm not so sure it's worth it. Obviously emotions are raw right now...I'm sure my final decision will come a while from now and probably change many times. Just kind of in a confused, lonely, hurt place right now.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Feeling a Bit Better

Last week was rough for so many, many reasons. More reasons than I will go into. But, the important thing is that it's better, and I have a plan on how to deal with most of it. I will go into two of the endless stressors just because I'm sure I'll have more to write soon.

I am trying to do better with taking care of myself. It's always a struggle, but one thing I decided to do was get back to some doctors that I have been needing to see. Well one doctor followed up a simple, innocent statement I made and now I have to have surgery. Initially this was an office procedure that was no big deal with virtually no recovery time, to no...the risk of bleeding is too high  so now it's a full out surgery with general anesthesia in the local hospital. Sigh...I actually initially told them nevermind, I don't want it done. After thinking about it for a few days I decided I needed to go forward. So, now I have even more pre-op doctors appointments and a surgery scheduled for October 4th.

I have mentioned my sister J before. She dates all the NFL players. She was with a Steeler for awhile, then a Panther and early this year started dating a Packer. She has been with this guy for longer than the others, however keep in mind they have never spent more than 10 continuous days together. The vast majority of their relationship has been via text or phone. J's plan had been to move to Green Bay in January for them to solidify their relationship with the plan to eventually get married. Okay, I figure it was a long shot, but hey, she's young and miracles do happen.

Well early last week J found out she was pregnant. This is such a sad thing. J has never been able to even take care of herself. She is 23 but very immature and has always been dependent on people. Heck, she is currently living in my office because she was driving my parents nuts. There is no way this girl can take care of a baby. Add to that the fact that now her, low likely to survive relationship is now almost certainly destined for doom and it makes the situation even sadder. I am so mad at her for allowing this to happen. She has no clue what she has done and her and my mom have the balls to be upset with me because I'm not celebrating the news.

I don't think I've mentioned this here either, but in November my parents are retiring to Mexico. They plan to live there in the winter and their cabin home in the summer. This means that J's only family here is me. This means that I am now home base for J to run away to when her and her boyfriend decide they hate each other. I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to have her and a baby in my house. My life is hard enough and I am not helping to raise her and her baby. Really, the only silver lining to this whole event is her boyfriend has a multi-million dollar contract so I would hope she will never have to fight for support or financial help.

So, keep me in your thoughts until January when J moves out of my house...hopefully never expecting to return!

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Week...


And right now...that's all I'm going to say

Sunday, September 1, 2013

My Own Worst Enemy

My mind is the meanest, most hateful thing. And it directs this negativity towards myself. If I could figure out a way to shut it up I would.

You see I am my own worst enemy. I am very insecure and I don't see much value in myself. I don't see myself as attractive or desirable and I definitely can't understand why someone would want to be with me. I have battled these feelings all my life. The get quiet sometimes, louder others. I fight them down and use logic to push them away. Most of the time, I do okay. But when I'm trying something new...something that opens me to so much potential for hurt...those negative thoughts can become much stronger than any logic.

I mentioned previously that I haven't dated in more years than I would care to admit. I will say however that the feelings, insecurities and panic that I am feeling now, are identical to what I felt years ago which led to the decision to walk away from the dating world  and never to look back. I ran away and buried my feelings deep. I was safe. It was risk free. It turned out, that it was also lonely.

I'm trying not to run. I need to face my fears. Since these feelings of panic and negativity are familiar from years ago, it has nothing to do with who I am seeing (C). C has been a great guy, saying wonderful things and assuring me that I am who he wants to see. He hasn't given me any reason to doubt him. He is a good guy, with what seems to be good intentions. I have fun when I'm with him and enjoy chatting with him. So why the trouble?

C is a very busy guy. He lives about 50 minutes from here. He just started Law School. He works as much as he can to pay his bills and his tuition. Time is very limited for him and as such we can only see each other every week or so and there isn't a lot of time to chat in the evenings. So when I see him, and for a few days afterward I am good. I am reassured that for some reason he is with me and things are good. But then as the days go on...doubt creeps in. Maybe he's changed his mind. Maybe he's found someone better. Maybe this is a huge joke at my expense. Again, he's done nothing to indicate that these are true...but it's what my mind comes up with. Another problem, he's a really nice guy. He's cute, successful, smart, funny, driven, etc. So why the hell is he with me?

So anyway, logically I know that this is my mind being horrible to myself. I need to trust C's words and actions. I need to accept that I am actually worth something, that I may actually be someone worth hanging out with. When I started this journey I remember thinking that it would be so nice to have another person actually see me as someone desirable. Someone who doesn't just see the body I'm in. Someone who for the first time in my life will see me as beautiful and someone who can be desired. I am probably as close as I'll ever be to that happening and I'm pushing it away and want to run.

Please pray/hope/think of me. I really want this to work. I want to know what it feels like to be wanted. I want to have a normal adult relationship. I don't want to fuck this up. I want to go more than a few days without feeling weight and pressure on my chest with the feeling of impending doom. I know some would ask why I'm even doing this if it's causing me so much anxiety but again, I have ran from it for years and years and it's gotten me no where. I just can't keep running.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Random Update

The last week of re-entry was a weird one. It's so hard to go from being able to sleep in and be semi-lazy for 9 days to jump back into being up at 630a and being at work all day. I made it through the week...but I will admit by Friday I was pretty grumpy at work and I pretty much barricaded myself in my office all day.

This past weekend went well. The twins were home again and we laid pretty low. No more big exciting adventures for us ;0) Tonight the twins headed back with my parents for the last time this summer. School starts one week from tomorrow and my constant, crazy chaos will return. I miss the twins...but I'm not sure how getting back into the crazy will go. I'm hoping for a quick adjustment.

So, maybe it's time to share in my other excitement. I honestly don't even know how many people read this blog, and how many of those I actually know. But this is new and exciting and terrifying all at once. It's not something I've done for many, many...did I say many?...years. In some ways I want to shout it from the rooftop and in others I want to run away screaming...

So...I'm sure some of you have figured it out...but I guess I can say...I have a boyfriend ;0)
...and can I just say how ridiculous that sounds from the lips of someone in their 30's?

Everything is still new and we are figuring it out together. He is super busy, just recently starting school and a new job, and then of course I'm busy with life too. I'm not sure how well this will go and my mostly negative mind likes to obsess and worry over stupid things but I am trying hard not to screw this up. Wish me (and probably more so him) luck. 

Anyway, if you happen to know me, and read this blog, this is still fairly on the down don't say anything ;0)

Friday, August 9, 2013

Staycation Day #5

Our final day of fun :0(

We spent the day with an old friend. L is a friend that I used to be very close to, but life has just gotten busy. It was so nice to reconnect with her. Her son is about 6 months older than the twins, and we have been friends since before any of them were born. Even though M isn't in the picture, he got a pass today and stayed home from daycare for the fun.

After jumping we had a great lunch and then headed home. I tried to convince the kids to have a celebratory nap...but I was unsuccessful.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Staycation Day #4

Today was a day of rest. Thank goodness for those. We did wake up fairly early - 830a (hey that's early for vacation) and took Mook to daycare. Then we came right back home and vegged for hours - yahoooo!! This might be my favorite day ;0)

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Staycation Day#3

Today was movie day :0) The twins had been wanting to watch Turbo for weeks so today was finally the day. We, again, took the Mook to daycare. He hasn't yet been to the movies and I think he's still way to active to try. In the end, it probably would have been a good chance to bring the mook because we had the theater to ourselves!!

The twins enjoyed the movie...I can't really say what I think because I took the opportunity to text with a friend - hehe

 After the movie we headed to Sonic for half price drink...YUMMY slushies :0)

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Staycation Day #2

Today was another good day. We cheated a little bit and sent M to daycare. I figured if I could have a little less chaos for some of our activities today, I would take advantage. The twins were told to say nothing to M about our plans and the drop off went rather smoothly.

We started our day at a local bounce house play ground for the kids. I met up with a friend who I haven't seen in ages. It was great to sit and have some adult time while the kids ran crazy around us. I need to try and work harder at this, since it seems to do so much for my mood. After two hours of kid frenzy I took the twins to their favorite place for meals...Subway. They both ate an entire 6" sub, a cookie and a drink. Help me when they become teenagers and I have to buy groceries to keep them all satisfied.

We then headed to complete our back to school shopping. Except for shoes for S, I believe we have everything we need. I don't even want to think about how many $100's I've spent in the last week in clothes, shoes and supplies. It would cause me too much pain. I can't even begin to think of how much more it will cost when child #3 is added to the mix. Thank goodness for three paydays in August!!

We ended the night at a community organized Night Out to Play. We joined some friends at the local park and played for about 90 minutes. There were firetrucks and police cars and had we stayed, a movie to be played in the soccer field.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Staycation Day #1

Today we went to our town's Natural Science Center. In the last few weeks they added on a new aquarium we the four of us checked it out. The exhibit was quite nice, but I guess to pay for this nice exhibit they raised the price of admission. Unless I go ahead with a yearly membership, I don't think we'll be back anytime soon.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Things Are Going Well...

I finished my semester for school. I am adding an additional class because the semester doesn't officially end until September 30th and I shouldn't waste the time. It also doesn't add additional cost so it would be dumb not to do it.

The twins are doing well. I miss them terrible all week and then within an hour of them getting home I want to send them back :0P Next week I am taking the week off work. I can't wait!! Not only do I escape work for 9 whole days...but I will have all the kids with me and we are planning some fun things.

My other adventure is going better. I gave up and walked away from my first attempt which was only a source of negative feelings and insecurities. My second attempt, although still fresh, is going much better :0) Maybe, if things continue to look up, I'll actually share details :0)

I'm going to try and remember to blog next week sharing our daily adventures. Be on the look out!

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Trying to Keep Positive

The twins came home for the first time in three weeks on Friday evening. A friend had made plans to go to the Drive In Movie that night so I decided to surprise the kids and take them too. When my sister brought the twins at 7p I was already waiting in the car with M. They looked at me a little disappointed that they would be getting back into a car, but I promised them it was a good surprise.

It took almost an hour to get there and the kids spent the whole time trying to guess what we were doing. Once we pulled in and the kids saw the big movie screen, a playground and their friends, they were ecstatic! They played and ate for the next 90 minutes while we waited for it to get dark enough for the movie to start.

First we watched Monsters University, which for the most part was good. I'll be honest, I tuned out about half way through and read on my kindle. The movie ended at 1130p and I tried to convince the kids to go home. They would not agree so we stayed for movie number two, Despicable Me 2. For this movie I fell asleep shortly after the opening credits and woke up five minutes before it ended at 1a. All three kids were still wide awake watching the movie when it finished. I was shocked.

We headed home after a quick stop at McD for a large frappe for mommy! We got home at 2a, 2a!!! I didn't realize just how late a Drive In Movie experience would be. Next time I will try to be more prepared for the lack of sleep.

Fortunately, the kids all slept past 10a the next morning :0)

Monday, July 8, 2013

I Give Up

Fuck. It. All.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Anxiety 2.0

I reached my breaking point yesterday. Wow. For a few weeks this anxiety has been drilling away. Weighing down my shoulders, causing heaviness in my chest and causing moments of panic throughout the day. A few times I felt like I was about to cry...but even after giving myself 'permission' not a tear would come. There were days where I felt like if I could just cry, I would feel so much better.

Well, yesterday the tears finally came. OMG did they ever come. Big, messy, sobbing, hyperventilating, snotty, puffy eyes, and burning cheeks kind of cry. It was about so many things.

This new adventure I am trying...
The school work that is currently kicking my ass...
The job which has a weird vibe right now...
The knowledge that my best friend is no longer visiting this summer...
And being away from my children for far too long...

I'm sure there were other things too, but these were my predominate thoughts during my breakdown. I actually got to a point where I didn't want to be alone - which right now I am since there are no children in the house. And, of course my list of friends who I can rely on has severely diminished recently - another cause for the breakdown. Luckily one friend, who was busy and couldn't physically be with me, was able to talk with me for awhile and I was able to calm down and even laughed some near the end of the conversation.

Today, while I am still weighed down, I do feel better. I do think that cry was very therapeutic and I released a lot of the pent up frustration. Of course all those listed stressors haven't gone anywhere so the stress is still there. I will continue to work through them, but maybe now that I've had that great big cry, I won't feel so overwhelmed.

Here's to managing a little better and not feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders!!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Anxiety Sucks

I live with anxiety every day. Most days I can control it and go on. The last week or so I feel like it has taken over. I know that this is a direct result of some of the changes in my life that i am trying to implement, but know that doesn't really make it easier.

I wake up every day trying to tell myself that I will not let this anxiety dictate how I will go through the day. It will not make decisions for me. It will not keep me from doing the things I need to do.

So far, I've done pretty good ignoring it and moving forward. I hope that I can keep this up. Some of the changes coming are things that I really want. I guess I'm just terrified of what to do with them when I have them ;0)

Here's to my continued strength.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Kind of Weird Around Here...

So far we are 1 week into Summer Break. Well, I guess it's really only a break for the twins, since M and my lives haven't changed much at all.

Before the end of the year I looked into all sort of summer care options for the twins and I was left with one discovery. There was no way I could pay for any of it. My budget is beyond tight and right now there just isn't any give. I started to freak out panic...and then my mom came to the rescue. This summer, the twins will be cared for by her. This is a wonderful result and deep down I am very grateful for the offer but one thing totally sucks. My parents live 45 minutes away. I now drive them Sunday night, and pick them up Friday evening. So this summer I will barely see my babies! Of course, they did great this week, I don't even think missing me at all. We will get through it and I just need to focus on what a horrible mess I would be in if this option wasn't available to me.

With the twins gone, of course M is attached at the hip to me. A few people have said with the twins gone..."the house will be so quiet"..."you'll have more time for school"..."you'll have so much time on your hands"...yah right. The twins were M's best friends. He played with them, slept with them, bugged them and went outside with them. Without's me. I do enjoy the extra bonding time at times and it's been great to go out for a bit with one child, but life at home is much more difficult with just M vs all three.

I am trying very hard to get myself a social life of some sort. Be my own person instead of just being a 'mom' and a 'nurse'. It's been months since I did anything for me. Due to several reasons I have dropped out of every social group I belonged to and as a result I haven't left this house for something other than work or kid related activities in over half a year. That needs to change. So, this past week, also called Week One, I went out to a book club dinner and then another night went to a friends house for dinner. Now, I still had M both times, so it's not entirely 'me' time, but its a good step in the right direction. I also made some initial steps in another area of my life, which at this time I'm not going to get into ;o) Let's just see where it goes for now...

Thursday, May 30, 2013


Maddy, my first 'child' had to be put down on Monday.

Maddy would have been 13 on Saturday. I found her at the pound when she was just a few weeks old. I brought her home and loved her more than I loved any other living thing. I had wanted a child for so long but knew I needed to get other things in place for that to happen, so in the mean time, Maddy filled that void.
She was a great dog. She was very skittish initially. She hated men and didn't like children much. She grew into a good dog though. She was very bright, well trained and I believe saw herself as more of a human than animal. She was spoiled rotten. The focus of all my xmas cards, recipient of all the best vet care, toys, collars, treats leashes etc. It got so bad that every time a package came to the house she got excited, because usually the contents were for her.

When she was young she was diagnosed with a pretty severe hip dysplagia. They said she would need hip replacements by 5 years old. She was placed on some medicines for pain and often her mobility was impacted. Within a few years she seemed to compensate and didn't need the drugs again, nor did she seem to have difficulty walking.

Then...HUGE reality check for Maddy...arrival of not one but two babies. I do feel some guilt about her loss of status; her reduction in attention and priority in my life. But, I can only do so much. She still had everything she needed...just the frills went away. Of course, this drop in status occurred again with M's arrival and some days it was a job just to remember if she had been fed or not.

About 2 months ago I left Maddy at my parents house while I travelled. She ended up staying with them. I am gone all day and at my parents home she had my mom all day, as well as their two dogs. I felt good about leaving her there because I knew she was getting more attention than I could give.

S, had a little harder time with it. He was really the only one of the three who had attached to Maddy. He claimed her as his own and liked to make her do tricks and take care of her. When my parents visited this past Sunday, they brought Maddy and S begged me to let her stay here again. I told him no and explained why. He understood, got his iPod and took her picture.

That day my parents had mentioned taking Maddy to the vet and the worsening problems she was having with pain, her hips and her teeth. They asked me what my decision would be if the vet suggested euthenasia. I told them I would be ok with it. We left it at that, and a few hours later they left.

The next morning I received a text at work saying Maddy was gone. I had no idea they were even taking her Monday. It was a little bit of a shock that it played out so quickly, but I knew it was the right decision. I allowed myself to cry for a few minutes, and then went on. I told the kids that night. S was ok. He said he was glad he took a picture of Maddy the day before. K, well in her very typical self, suggested that we now get a cat.

I think it was a very good thing that Maddy had been with my parents the last two months. I would have never been able to be present while they put her down, and I think since she had already been halfway removed from our lives, the kids weren't as upset with her death. Now, when they go to my mom's house in a few weeks and she's not there, they may get upset, but I think it would have been much worse for them if Maddy had been with us here until the end.

In the end, she really was the 'perfect' dog with her demeanor and personality. I got very lucky. For now though I have enough to focus on, so we will remain a pet-free home. Maybe when my three little monsters are older, and I need to fill that void again I can venture into pet parenthood again.

Monday, May 27, 2013


So I have kinda given you a rapid overview of the highlights of the last year, mostly about the, what have I been up to the last year...

Well starting last May I started working more hours at work which eventually turned into an official full time position in January. I like my new role - more leadership/admin - and the hours work well for me. I knew it was time to start working full time and while I would have loved to stay part time forever, I'm glad I was able to stay home most of the time until M was three.

In May I also started to read again. I used to love to read and stopped after the twins were born. In May I installed the Kindle app on my iPad and started with the wildly popular Hunger Games and went on from there. I will have to admit now that reading has now become my obsession. It seems to calm me and take away some of my day to day anxiety. This is good, but also bad because of course I should be doing things like cleaning the house. I am a very fast reader - I can finish a 200 page book in a few hours - and I have been tracking my reading on Goodreads. In the last year I have read 307 books. Don't judge me.

This past fall I started to get into a slump. I was more introverted and really didn't get excited about much of anything. It was hard to power through events for the kids and things like Halloween. While I wouldn't say I was depressed, I definitely had a low period. I started looking at friendships and relationships I had and realized that many of them had seemed broken for awhile. I'm pretty sure I had been posting about this, but my twin mom group who I had been very connected to in the past, seemed to cause more hurt for me, and I often felt like I was left out or intentionally kept out of things. I did try to talk myself out of those feelings but they came to the forefront this winter. Initially it started after none of the friends from the twin group came to the twins party. I did hear from one group, but two other friends who have been at all the other parties just didn't show. It's kind of pathetic to say, but I was literally in tears that night knowing that what I was feeling wasn't off, but hurt that they allowed that to impact our children. The final nail in the coffin was a few weeks later when I was having a hard time keeping up with all my responsibilities due to health/work/school so I emailed the entire officer group - about 9 people, 4 of whom I would have once said were good friends - to let them know everything that was going on and to tell them I had to step down. Only two people, one of whom is not included in the four mentioned above - emailed me back to acknowledge what I had said. I initially wasn't going to completely leave the group...but after that obvious statement on where I stood with them...I haven't been able to go back.

My health has also been a frustration this past year. My MS is doing fine and in fact, this February marked 5 years since diagnosis with no flares since diagnosis! This is pretty huge!! Unfortunately I have been having problems with cellulitis. Right before Christmas I developed a spot under my arm that spread very quickly. In a matter of days I was admitted to the hospital and given IV antibiotics and had to have an I&D performed. There was no explanation for it other than it just sometimes happens. I was discharged from the hospital on Christmas Eve and thank goodness my parents were able to care for the kids while I was in the hospital and for a week after I got home. Almost exactly a month later, I developed another spot, this time on my abdomen. It followed the same rapid spread and I did everything I could to stay out of the hospital. This time my parents were not available and there was no way I could be admitted. I had a shot of antibiotic in the butt and was on 4 different pills. For a week I was taking over 20 pills a day to stay out of the hospital. Had my parents been here, I would have allowed myself to be re-admitted. After about a week things started to turn and luckily got better. Since that time I have had two more spots come up. Neither have been as bad, nor required medications. I have stopped taking my MS meds because that is the only thing I can think of that might be causing this. I went off them for 2 months and did okay and as soon as I restarted them, a developed another spot. This whole thing has been very frustrating and every time a new spot surfaces it causes me a lot of anxiety not knowing if this time I will need to be hospitalized again.

And because all the above wasn't enough to keep me on my toes...I started school in April as a full time student. Crazy huh? My hospital has a huge focus on all their RN's having their BSN degree...and I don't. They decided that all RN's in higher level positions had to get their degree within a few years or be stripped of everything. So, I am begrudgingly going back to school. I am in a 100% online program and so far it hasn't been too bad, but I would, of course, rather not be doing it. My evenings and weekends are focused on classes now...which stinks. I should graduate in September of 2014 if all goes well.

Otherwise, I think I'm about the same. My weight hasn't changed any...which is bad. It's always on my 'I really need to' list which I never quite seem to do anything about. Money is tight as always. Friendships are even suckier than before, because while I've always had a hard time having close friends, the few I had are gone. Right now I am very isolated and withdrawn. I need to work on this, but I'm not sure how. news probably related to the last point, I have started to feel like maybe I don't want to live my life by myself. I've always been very happy being single and have rarely had thoughts otherwise, but lately I yearn for another adult in my life. The problem is the package I'm offering isn't very appealing and anytime I think I might reach out, I am reminded of the high likelihood of failure and additional hurt.'s my year in a nut shell. I will try to post again before May 2014 ;0)

To leave you, here are a few pics of the kids I took this weekend

April 2013

Sadly, I can't think of much that happened this month, nor can I find any pictures. The twins and M finished another round of swimming lessons. We suck close to home and didn't have any grand adventures. I guess...April was a pretty boring month.

March 2013

March was a pretty quiet month. The twins ended up getting sick again and were out of school a week in addition to the week they had for Spring break. Our house, which is usually pretty healthy had a very tough winter and the twins missed a lot of school. I even got a call from the school social workers wanting to know what was up. Luckily, after the pneumonia/pink eye event, they finally seemed to be healthy again.

Here is a picture from Easter Morning

February 2013

Of course the big event in February is the twins birthday! S and K turned 7 this February!!  The day of their birthday stunk :0( S had a horrible ear infection with high fever and K had an ear infection which caused her ear drum to perforate. They were both pretty miserable but perked up for a bit for a little party at home. Luckily they felt much better by the time their big party came. They had a party at a bounce house with all their friends from school.
 All the medications the twins (and M had something too) needed to take for two weeks. It was a nightmare keeping up with all of it!

On their birthday. They both look a little ill, but they're troopers!

January 2013

January was a very busy month for our household. There were many changes, most of them good for all of us.

First, I officially took a full time position at work. I had actually put in my notice because I was needing to go full time, and being a floor nurse with 12h hours shifts wasn't going to cut it. When I told my boss of my plans, a position was created for me! I am mostly in administration/leadership now helping with scheduling, compliance, quality, payroll and finance. It keeps me busy and I do occasionally function as the unit charge nurse to keep me at the bedside.

Second, my time had come to move N out of my home. This was a perfect time since I was going full time and really couldn't provide the supervision she needed. After 7 years of her being in my home I was beyond ready to have her gone. Yes...I know that sounds horrible, but until you've been in my shoes, I don't want to hear your thoughts ;0) She moved out and in with my mom. This move alone has made many things so much easier on me,

Third, because I was now full time a nanny wasn't really cost efficient anymore, so the kids moved to a daycare setting. M started full time daycare. I was really worried but it has been such a GREAT thing for him. His speech has improved, he's learning so much and his social skills are coming along great. The twins are watched by a classmates mom in the afternoon. This has worked well since she does homework with all of them when they get home...which leaves me off the hook.

The twins started some after school activities. S wanted to play basketball and K wanted to cheer. The school offered both programs and they both really enjoyed themselves.

December 2012

December always brings lots of fun and activities. Of course the biggest event in December is the Mook's birthday! I couldn't believe that my little baby turned three! He had a lot of fun and it was his first birthday where he had a pretty good idea of what was going on. He had his birthday at Chik-fil-A with several of his friends with a Spongebob theme.

Christmas was also exciting for the kids. This year instead of many smaller gifts, I went with one bigger gift for all of them. I was VERY tired of fighting for control of my iPhone and iPad so each of them received a Kindle Fire for Christmas. I would like to say that the gifts kept them from my devices, but sadly, it didn't :0(

November 2012


Time to pose for Christmas Card photos!

October 2012

I know. I usually get really into Halloween with the match super cool costumes. I couldn't get excited this year so the kids just picked their own. Around this time was kind of the start of my introversion. I had a hard time getting excited about things, I felt tired all the time and I just didn't feel like doing anything social. More on that in a later post.

September 2012

Normally we have our trip to the cabin every July, but this year it had to be postponed until Labor Day. Here are some pics of the kids enjoying themselves at Grandpa and Pop-Pop'

s cabin.

August 2012

Big exciting event for August...first day of First Grade!!

July 2012

I can't believe I missed out on the opportunity to blog about our annual visit from the P family! This annual visit gets more and more exciting each year. As the kids grow up and can really appreciate on another, it gets more enjoyable to see the interactions between them all. The girls, K & B, love to challenge on another for 'top girl status' and the boys just seem to have fun playing. Of course we went on many adventures and even caught up with another SMBC from Canada :0)

This month also marked a huge milestone....M gave up his soother!! I know, about time right!? I had decided that I wasn't going to buy any more and when his supply ran out, that would be it. During the P visit, we were at the mall and M got frustrated with me. In response he took his soother and threw it...right into a mall trash can. I told him he threw it out and we walked away...and that was the end of sue-a (M's pronunciation)

June 2012

June was a fairly quiet month. The twins finished kindergarten and took their first set of swimming lessons. I was working pretty close to full time hours at work, so life stayed pretty busy in that sense. S was able to get into a Dinosaur camp for a week and he had a blast.

I'm Baa-aack

Holy F'in $#!T

It's been a year since I've posted. I came to this site often to write out some thoughts or feelings, but usually I found them to be more negative then positive, so I made myself stay away. I have so much going on in my life right now...while at the same time...absolutely nothing ;0)

I think I am going to try and restart this. I know I won't blog daily...maybe I can strive for weekly. Later tonight...once all the little monsters are in bed, I will post again, maybe giving you a month to month recap of what has been happening in my crazy little life. I imagine I have lost most of my original blog followers, but maybe I'll pick up some new ones.

Welcome back to the blogger world Me. I hope I stick around.

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