Sunday, September 1, 2013

My Own Worst Enemy

My mind is the meanest, most hateful thing. And it directs this negativity towards myself. If I could figure out a way to shut it up I would.

You see I am my own worst enemy. I am very insecure and I don't see much value in myself. I don't see myself as attractive or desirable and I definitely can't understand why someone would want to be with me. I have battled these feelings all my life. The get quiet sometimes, louder others. I fight them down and use logic to push them away. Most of the time, I do okay. But when I'm trying something new...something that opens me to so much potential for hurt...those negative thoughts can become much stronger than any logic.

I mentioned previously that I haven't dated in more years than I would care to admit. I will say however that the feelings, insecurities and panic that I am feeling now, are identical to what I felt years ago which led to the decision to walk away from the dating world  and never to look back. I ran away and buried my feelings deep. I was safe. It was risk free. It turned out, that it was also lonely.

I'm trying not to run. I need to face my fears. Since these feelings of panic and negativity are familiar from years ago, it has nothing to do with who I am seeing (C). C has been a great guy, saying wonderful things and assuring me that I am who he wants to see. He hasn't given me any reason to doubt him. He is a good guy, with what seems to be good intentions. I have fun when I'm with him and enjoy chatting with him. So why the trouble?

C is a very busy guy. He lives about 50 minutes from here. He just started Law School. He works as much as he can to pay his bills and his tuition. Time is very limited for him and as such we can only see each other every week or so and there isn't a lot of time to chat in the evenings. So when I see him, and for a few days afterward I am good. I am reassured that for some reason he is with me and things are good. But then as the days go on...doubt creeps in. Maybe he's changed his mind. Maybe he's found someone better. Maybe this is a huge joke at my expense. Again, he's done nothing to indicate that these are true...but it's what my mind comes up with. Another problem, he's a really nice guy. He's cute, successful, smart, funny, driven, etc. So why the hell is he with me?

So anyway, logically I know that this is my mind being horrible to myself. I need to trust C's words and actions. I need to accept that I am actually worth something, that I may actually be someone worth hanging out with. When I started this journey I remember thinking that it would be so nice to have another person actually see me as someone desirable. Someone who doesn't just see the body I'm in. Someone who for the first time in my life will see me as beautiful and someone who can be desired. I am probably as close as I'll ever be to that happening and I'm pushing it away and want to run.

Please pray/hope/think of me. I really want this to work. I want to know what it feels like to be wanted. I want to have a normal adult relationship. I don't want to fuck this up. I want to go more than a few days without feeling weight and pressure on my chest with the feeling of impending doom. I know some would ask why I'm even doing this if it's causing me so much anxiety but again, I have ran from it for years and years and it's gotten me no where. I just can't keep running.

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