Kind of Weird Around Here...

So far we are 1 week into Summer Break. Well, I guess it's really only a break for the twins, since M and my lives haven't changed much at all.

Before the end of the year I looked into all sort of summer care options for the twins and I was left with one discovery. There was no way I could pay for any of it. My budget is beyond tight and right now there just isn't any give. I started to panic...like freak out panic...and then my mom came to the rescue. This summer, the twins will be cared for by her. This is a wonderful result and deep down I am very grateful for the offer but one thing totally sucks. My parents live 45 minutes away. I now drive them Sunday night, and pick them up Friday evening. So this summer I will barely see my babies! Of course, they did great this week, I don't even think missing me at all. We will get through it and I just need to focus on what a horrible mess I would be in if this option wasn't available to me.

With the twins gone, of course M is attached at the hip to me. A few people have said with the twins gone..."the house will be so quiet"..."you'll have more time for school"..."you'll have so much time on your hands"...yah right. The twins were M's best friends. He played with them, slept with them, bugged them and went outside with them. Without them...it's me. I do enjoy the extra bonding time at times and it's been great to go out for a bit with one child, but life at home is much more difficult with just M vs all three.

I am trying very hard to get myself a social life of some sort. Be my own person instead of just being a 'mom' and a 'nurse'. It's been months since I did anything for me. Due to several reasons I have dropped out of every social group I belonged to and as a result I haven't left this house for something other than work or kid related activities in over half a year. That needs to change. So, this past week, also called Week One, I went out to a book club dinner and then another night went to a friends house for dinner. Now, I still had M both times, so it's not entirely 'me' time, but its a good step in the right direction. I also made some initial steps in another area of my life, which at this time I'm not going to get into ;o) Let's just see where it goes for now...

Present...

So I have kinda given you a rapid overview of the highlights of the last year, mostly about the kids...now, what have I been up to the last year...

Well starting last May I started working more hours at work which eventually turned into an official full time position in January. I like my new role - more leadership/admin - and the hours work well for me. I knew it was time to start working full time and while I would have loved to stay part time forever, I'm glad I was able to stay home most of the time until M was three.

In May I also started to read again. I used to love to read and stopped after the twins were born. In May I installed the Kindle app on my iPad and started with the wildly popular Hunger Games and went on from there. I will have to admit now that reading has now become my obsession. It seems to calm me and take away some of my day to day anxiety. This is good, but also bad because of course I should be doing things like cleaning the house. I am a very fast reader - I can finish a 200 page book in a few hours - and I have been tracking my reading on Goodreads. In the last year I have read 307 books. Don't judge me.

This past fall I started to get into a slump. I was more introverted and really didn't get excited about much of anything. It was hard to power through events for the kids and things like Halloween. While I wouldn't say I was depressed, I definitely had a low period. I started looking at friendships and relationships I had and realized that many of them had seemed broken for awhile. I'm pretty sure I had been posting about this, but my twin mom group who I had been very connected to in the past, seemed to cause more hurt for me, and I often felt like I was left out or intentionally kept out of things. I did try to talk myself out of those feelings but they came to the forefront this winter. Initially it started after none of the friends from the twin group came to the twins party. I did hear from one group, but two other friends who have been at all the other parties just didn't show. It's kind of pathetic to say, but I was literally in tears that night knowing that what I was feeling wasn't off, but hurt that they allowed that to impact our children. The final nail in the coffin was a few weeks later when I was having a hard time keeping up with all my responsibilities due to health/work/school so I emailed the entire officer group - about 9 people, 4 of whom I would have once said were good friends - to let them know everything that was going on and to tell them I had to step down. Only two people, one of whom is not included in the four mentioned above - emailed me back to acknowledge what I had said. I initially wasn't going to completely leave the group...but after that obvious statement on where I stood with them...I haven't been able to go back.

My health has also been a frustration this past year. My MS is doing fine and in fact, this February marked 5 years since diagnosis with no flares since diagnosis! This is pretty huge!! Unfortunately I have been having problems with cellulitis. Right before Christmas I developed a spot under my arm that spread very quickly. In a matter of days I was admitted to the hospital and given IV antibiotics and had to have an I&D performed. There was no explanation for it other than it just sometimes happens. I was discharged from the hospital on Christmas Eve and thank goodness my parents were able to care for the kids while I was in the hospital and for a week after I got home. Almost exactly a month later, I developed another spot, this time on my abdomen. It followed the same rapid spread and I did everything I could to stay out of the hospital. This time my parents were not available and there was no way I could be admitted. I had a shot of antibiotic in the butt and was on 4 different pills. For a week I was taking over 20 pills a day to stay out of the hospital. Had my parents been here, I would have allowed myself to be re-admitted. After about a week things started to turn and luckily got better. Since that time I have had two more spots come up. Neither have been as bad, nor required medications. I have stopped taking my MS meds because that is the only thing I can think of that might be causing this. I went off them for 2 months and did okay and as soon as I restarted them, a developed another spot. This whole thing has been very frustrating and every time a new spot surfaces it causes me a lot of anxiety not knowing if this time I will need to be hospitalized again.

And because all the above wasn't enough to keep me on my toes...I started school in April as a full time student. Crazy huh? My hospital has a huge focus on all their RN's having their BSN degree...and I don't. They decided that all RN's in higher level positions had to get their degree within a few years or be stripped of everything. So, I am begrudgingly going back to school. I am in a 100% online program and so far it hasn't been too bad, but I would, of course, rather not be doing it. My evenings and weekends are focused on classes now...which stinks. I should graduate in September of 2014 if all goes well.

Otherwise, I think I'm about the same. My weight hasn't changed any...which is bad. It's always on my 'I really need to' list which I never quite seem to do anything about. Money is tight as always. Friendships are even suckier than before, because while I've always had a hard time having close friends, the few I had are gone. Right now I am very isolated and withdrawn. I need to work on this, but I'm not sure how. And...in news probably related to the last point, I have started to feel like maybe I don't want to live my life by myself. I've always been very happy being single and have rarely had thoughts otherwise, but lately I yearn for another adult in my life. The problem is the package I'm offering isn't very appealing and anytime I think I might reach out, I am reminded of the high likelihood of failure and additional hurt.

So...here's my year in a nut shell. I will try to post again before May 2014 ;0)

To leave you, here are a few pics of the kids I took this weekend

Making Friends

In the past I have made several posts about my frustrations with friends...or the lack thereof. I am trying to live outside my comfort zone and I have been trying to cultivate the potential relationships I have.

I am making some progress with one friend, L. I met her at the school stop where we pick up our kids in the afternoon. She lives a mile or so away and her son is in the same class as the twins. S likes hanging around him (he was the boy we went to the dinosaur exhibit with) and at one time K was going to marry him; although now I think the relationship is just platonic ;0) As luck would have it, she also has a son a few months younger than M.

Initially we just spoke at the stop, but as the kids relationship has grown, we have spent time together as the kids play after school and on weekends. Her personality jives with mine - the same dark, sarcastic humor and we seem to have similar ideas/beliefs/etc.

Sadly, as I mentioned in the previous post, her father dies very suddenly last Monday. This is a huge loss to her as her family lived in the same home as her parents. He was a huge presence in their life. She is doing pretty well and I have tried to be there for her. I have helped with her son, T, a few times and checked in on her every day or so.

I hope this friendship continues to grow. It would be great since our kids are all the same age and we live so close to eachother. It might also make me a little happier in life :0)

Smothered

Okay, so this is going to be a totally crazy post given what I just posted about yesterday, but I need to vent...and if you have suggestions...please give them.

I have a friend who I used to work with. She is 65 years old and has always been very sweet to me and the kids. For the last 4 years she has even come over every Sunday and picked N up to take her to church and lunch. This gives me such a nice break once a week.

She is very well meaning, but I always feel like she is smothering me. At 65, she obviously isn't 'best friend' material. She is more like an adoptive grandma to the kids. The reason she drives me nuts - she wants to help, impose, involve herself in so many things.

Tomorrow is K's surgery. My mom will be here with the boys. While I am at the hospital I will be working while K is in surgery and then hanging out with her when she's in her room. I have no problem with being there by myself. I was there by myself last time. But G has said she is coming to spend the day with me. From 8:30a to probably 7 or 8 pm she will be there, and honestly, this stresses me out more than the surgery itself.

I will be busy. I have to work - make phone calls, write notes - and I don't want to feel like I need to be entertaining her. She is very touchy-feely and I am not. It makes me very uncomfortable. So then when K returns to her room I will also have to deal with a third person there. I just want to focus on my work and then my daughter. I have hinted to her several times that I don't need her there; that it will be boring; such a long day and drive, but she hasn't relented. She is going to be there, and I have no way to stop it without hurting her feelings.

This isn't the first time she has done this. After the twins were born she was right in my room. Sitting by me, even tried to help me breastfeed!! Um...no. When I was pregnant with M she kept telling me to call when I went into labor because she would come. I didn't even want my own mother in the delivery room...why would I want her? I called her, after M was born and she acted hurt because I didn't call sooner. She also frequently tried to push her religious beliefs on me and the kids, which is also a big no-no for me.

So, yes, this post is a direct contrast to yesterday's. But I don't want a friend who invades my space, pushes themselves on me and tries to get involved in things that I want to keep within my family. I have tolerated it, because like I said, it's all well meaning and she is doing it out of concern, but at some point she should realize that I don't want it. I do want her friendship and a relationship with her, just not the one she is pushing.

Be there for me. Call to check on me. If I need you...I'll let you know.

Tired

I am tired of trying. I am tired of figuring out what is wrong with me. I am tired of being with a group of 'friend's' and yet feeling so alone. I am tired of the isolation and betrayal.

I am done.

At Least I Had a Break from the Kids...Right?

This past weekend was the Twin Mom Convention. Initially this was going to be a whole weekend away with my friends and away from the kids. It changed a bit though because my parents home, which was just down the road from convention, and where everyone was going to stay, sold suddenly and became unavailable. Since the club paid for my registration, I didn't want to not go, so instead I left early Saturday morning, spent the day and then left very late that night.

Well, while I did overall enjoy my time away, it wasn't without some hurt feelings and some dicey moments.

When I first got there, I was a little taken aback when I sat down with my group, 7 women including me, and they all had matching hats with pictures of their kids, their name in glitter, other decorations, etc. I was never told of any of this. You would think if we were all going to convention together, and we were going to all wear the same thing, all members of the group would be included. Just as I was about to get over this initial hurt, we walk upstairs to the room, where the door is decorated to represent our group. Again, it's filled with every ones names, pictures of their kids and in the center is a photo shopped picture with 6 showgirls with the groups heads pasted on...one guess which mom was excluded. For about the first hour I felt like turning around and going home. I didn't feel included...or really all that wanted, but I stuck it out.

That evening the entire convention went on a river boat cruise. That was pretty entertaining. Unfortunately I pretty much had to stay seated in a chair along the top deck, because anytime I attempted to walk around I got dizzy and queasy, but it was still fun watching everyone dance, have fun, and get totally drunk :0P

After the cruise we headed over to a local restaurant for dinner - 10p by this time - and 6 of us ate and talked (one had a little too much to drink and stayed at the hotel to sleep it off). This was probably the best part.

So in the end, I did have a little break. Am I glad I went...well since I won the convention free, sure. But if I had to have paid the $80 to go...I would have just stayed home.

Just a Little Plug....

I have a good friend that is currently trying to adopt a special needs boy from Russia. In Russia, once kids turn 5 they are removed from the orphanage and placed in an institution to live out their life. J is trying desperately to save one such boy.

Here is a link to her page where she is trying to raise money to bring him home. If you can, please visit.

http://adoptinginkaty.blogspot.com/

Thanks!

Another Woe is Me Post

I think I am going to have to try to figure out a way to be happy without friends. It seems like the more I try, or the more I focus on it, the more I get hurt. The day actually started well. I had a product party for a friend and had 6 or 7 friends over with great conversation and great company. I actually had a pretty good time.

Well as people were leaving, I heard two of the friends talk about a party one was having. It kind of caught me off guard because I thought that I would be someone that D would invite if she was having a party, but I tried to brush it off. After all I can't expect to be invited to everything.

Well tonight while surfing on FB I found that one of my friends had a BIG party last night. Under her comment, many of our mutual friends posted about what a great time they had. Ouch. This one hurt. What is it about me that makes it so hard to be to be part of the crowd. Why do I consistently get left out. Sigh...another night of feeling sorry for myself.

I really need to figure out a way to get out of this funk.

Not Sure What to Do

N sent me a message today saying that we needed to talk. Um...yah...thats what I said...10 days ago. I really didn't know what to say. In the last 10 days I have gone from sad and depressed that this friend was mad at me, to angry that she would completely ignore my pleas to talk and decide to throw away the friendship for something so stupid.

I sent a message back saying that I did want to talk, but that talking would have been much more effective last week and that I was also hurt with the way she ignored me. It's also a bad time to get together because next week is crazy and there isn't a lot of time available to get together.

I don't know. Part of me just wants to walk away, but that is how I usually handle things. This friendship loss really did hurt me as I was pretty depressed about it, and I had several dreams about her last week. I really should at least make an attempt to talk it out and see what happens from there. I guess I shouldn't give up so easily...but that might be easier.

Catching Up with an Old Friend

In 2004 I met a very cool guy and his wife. He had been diagnosed with leukemia and became a patient of mine. He and I connected right away and I pretty much became his nurse whenever he was there. Despite the fact that he was in the hospital for cancer treatment, we made it fun. I shaved his hair into a Mohawk and died it purple; more than once he doused me with silly string as I walked in to check on him; once he lost all his hair we gave him the nickname 'Uncle Fester'. Obviously not all patients would receive this treatment (LOL) but he wouldn't have it any other way. He had a hard fight but about a year later was cancer free. After his 'cure' he, his wife and I would meet for dinner every few months to catch up on things. Although he was old enough to be my dad, he became a good friend.

In 2007 he relapsed. His leukemia came back, and this time could not be fought. He tried chemo, a transplant, everything. It didn't work. He died in February of 2008. The world lost a great guy that day.

Every so often his wife and I meet for dinner. Tonight was such a night. It had been forever since I had seen her. With being pregnant last year and then the insanity of this year, we let time slip by. She looked good. She still gets quiet when she talks about him. You can see how much she misses him. This was both their second marriages. He had two girls from his previous marriage who she loved to death and thankfully she is still very involved with them. They each have a son, so she enjoys being a grandparent to them. I wanted to ask her if she had started dating, but the time never seemed right. For the most part she seemed happy, but a sadness does creep over her every so often.

I'm glad the twins were in good, friendly moods as they spoke and played with her. M was a little fussy but overall did well. We definitely need to meet up again soon.

***When I was naming M, his middle name was going to be Carter after my lost friend, but since S's middle name is also after someone who had passed I decided to use another name. After last night, a remembering my lost friend, I really regret not going with my first choice and naming him Max Carter. ***

Remember My Post....

About how I had difficulty making close friends. Well today is a perfect example of why I avoid trying.

I have a friend N who shares many of the same mental health issues I do (depression and anxiety). She is a super sweet person and our kids get along great. About a month ago she started to isolate herself and did some things that really worried me. I asked her husband about her and how she was doing because I was so concerned. I later found out that about this same time, her and her husband were going through a messy separation.

Fast forward to this past week. I have tried to get a hold of her several times without luck. I finally sent her a message and asked if something was wrong. Her response was simple. She is mad at me because I spoke to her husband about her mental state. I have begged her to call me so that we can talk but so far nothing. I have been in near tears all day.

Now, I have no idea what her husband told her. According to her, he can be very verbally abusive and hateful so I have a suspicion that what he told her is very exaggerated and possible even completely wrong. I cannot get a hold of her to explain to her my feelings of concern, and my version of what was said. She has been ignoring me for about a week so it's not like I can even say that she needs to cool down before she will talk to me.

So, I put myself out there and try to develop a relationship and this is what happens. I feel like I have failed yet again. I might as well just accept that I will never have anything more than a casual relationship with someone. Now tomorrow we are both supposed to be at a birthday party. If she continues to ignore me I won't be going. N has been friends with the family much longer than I have, and it wouldn't be fair to them for us to bring our awkwardness into their son's first birthday party.

I am really hoping I hear back from her tonight. I would love to work on this because I do think we had a good relationship. I realize I probably shouldn't have asked her husband about how things were going, but it was truly done with only love and concern.


***UPDATE***
So after emailing her once more explaining to her how important her friendship was to me; requesting that she just call/text/email me; and sitting on FB with her logged in for about 2hours while I was also logged in (perfect time for her to chat) she has completely ignored my requests. I guess Max and I will stay home in the morning. Add another failed friendship to the list; reinforce my feelings of isolation & loneliness and go to bed feeling sorry for myself.

Happy Monday to all.

Feeling Down for a Friend

There are only a few people who know that I am pregnant. A few of them belong to a local TTC forum. Well in our group of about 15 moms, three of us got pregnant close together. C was due 12/11, Me 12/21 and J 12/28. Well this morning C lost her pregnancy. This is the second or third that she has lost and she's tore up.

She has two other children and a semi-present husband so I don't think anyone will really be there for her tonight. I offered to come and sit with her, but she said she'd be fine. I'm not sure I would want a pregnant woman to sit with me either.

Sad thing is she just announced to our entire mommies board (about 1000 moms) that she was expecting. So now she needs to also let everyone know of her loss. She was hesitant to announce it, and I kinda advised against it, but obviously in the end it was her call.

My heart is with her tonight. I hope she gets the help and support she needs.

Sometimes You Do Need a Man

Last night, around 11pm, I went out to put the garbage out. Well imagine my surprise when I saw that a huge tree was lying across my driveway. I had been out earlier in the day, so it had to have happened after it got dark. Just a few feet closer to the house and my van would have been crushed.

This morning me and the twins hauled away the smaller limbs. If I wasn't pregnant I would have tried to roll the large trunk out of the way, but of course I wasn't going to risk it. I posted for help on my local mommies forum and within the hour I had a volunteer.

This afternoon once J, one of my friend's husband, was done work he came right over with his chainsaw and removed the tree. What a great guy.

Luckily the way the tree fell, I was still able to leave the driveway by driving on my lawn. Not great for the grass but I had places I had to be today :)

A Very Sweet Gift

Today I got a very 'sweet' present from my friend J. She always knows when I am down. Thank you J. You shouldn't have done it, as you have you own worries and things to do, but it is very much appreciated.

Here is a pic. Before I could take it, or really enjoy it, the twins had already tore into it and taken some items. Isn't it great that once you have kids, nothing is truly just yours anymore?

I am a BAD Momma...and my friends suck

I woke up this morning really just wanting to stay in my PJ's all day long and I ended up running all over. We decided to go swimming at the Y. One of my friends was supposed to meet me there with her son. Well a few minutes before we left, she bailed. Ok, fine, whatever. I was going to go anyway. The twins had a great swim and I enjoyed myself too.

On the way home I get a call from another friend asking us to go to the final ballgame of the season. I really didn't want to, but I gave in because I had never taken the kids to a ballgame and everything was $1. So we get home, change and then leave again for downtown. Parking was a nightmare and I waited in line for what must have been 30 minutes for tickets. We get there and look for my friend and find a nice area with chairs. The only problem is it's not in the shade and dumb ass mommy forgot sunscreen. So anyway after we are there for an hour in the heat and sun I decide to leave because, get ready...my friend never shows up!? WTF? I didn't even want to go, then all this hassle and she doesn't even come!!

We got home about 2pm. When I went to get S out of the car seat I found that I didn't remember to buckle him in....Nice. We went inside, laid down for a nap, and of course the kids woke up sunburned. Not as badly as me, but enough to make me feel bad about the whole thing.

I didn't do anything tonight. I have a shit load of stuff to do tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it.

Visits from friends are great...

Well M came to visit this week. She got here Saturday evening and will leave tomorrow morning. I am so glad she came and I had a great time.

I met M a few years ago off a donor website. She was always very supportive and active until about 6 months ago when that site started to become over run with trolls. She broke off and formed her own board which I then joined and helped her develop and run. She has been a great friend online and we decided to meet. I must say I was a little nervous joining the online world with the real one, but I decided to go for it.

M has been great and the twins LOVE her. She is so good with them which breaks my heart because she has struggled for years to have one of her own without success to this point. We went to the Science Center, walked in the Gardens and then went out for dinner on Sunday. Today we hung around the house, mostly because it was raining. We did go to Walmart where I talked her into buying a GPS :) and then Kohl's where I got some great deals on some kids clothes. We ended the evening with dinner out again. The past few days have been a lot of fun and I will be sad to see her go. She lives about 6 hours from here so it will be awhile before we meet again. Next time, hopefully I will be able to visit her.


Here is K, S and M during our Walk.

Now it's just time for J and her brood to come visit....which I am promised will be next year :)