GULP...

So guess what I did today...

I took the plunge and filled out the Foster Parent Interest form and will send it off in the morning. Gulp. I am hoping that they won't turn me down. I have two concerns. First being the fact that I am already the single mom to three children and the second being that we didn't leave on such good terms about 6 years ago.

This is the same agency that screwed me over, and removed my son Zach from my care, turned him over to his dysfunctional parents who then gave him away to someone else. DSS never blinked an eye. Six years ago maybe enough time for them to have forgiven the anger and resentment I shared with them, or maybe not.

Part of me is very nervous. Another child. And not only just another child, but another child with all the aggravation and red tape of a foster to adopt child. Pregnancy almost seems like it would be the lesser of the evils. Maybe I should just go ahead and TTC again. With me, if history repeats, I would most likely be guaranteed a child with TTC. But then there is the thing about really wanting another daughter...which would be a total gamble. So, adoption would really be the best way to go...no repeated cycles of TTC...no 40 weeks of misery...and the ability to limit my requests to a girl.

Even if my request is processed and I can be certified, there is 10 weeks of classes, a home study, backround check, etc, etc. so this is months to a year away. A lot can happen in that time.

I really wish that someone I kind of knew was looking for a good home for their unborn daughter...that would make things so much easier and quicker...but of course nothing is ever too easy for me ;0)

Happy Birthday!

My first son, Zachary James turns 6 years old today. My how time flies. Of course I only remember him as pictured above. His sweet chubby face and infectious smile. He is deeply missed and never forgotten.

Zach, where ever you are, I hope you are having a wonderful birthday surrounded by family and friends who love you dearly. I love you and miss you very much.

Update

First, thank you for all your kind words of support. It really means a lot.

I called the pediatrician today. Before I called I went over the bill again to see if there was any further info and discovered that his last name was spelled wrong. His last name had one 'T' and the bill had two 'T's. So within a few seconds the billing department looked and it was a completely different Zach, with a different birthday and it accidentally got filed under my Zach.

So I feel a little better knowing that probably what I thought happened to him, did. He was adopted, hopefully by a good family, and not with his birth parents. It still hurts a little because I guess all the emotions came back, but I'm definitely more at peace today.

You think after 5 years and 3 kids I wouldn't have reacted so emotionally.

A Wound Has Reopened...

Today when I got the mail I found a bill for a local pediatrician's office that my kids have never been to. I wondered what the heck was up and opened it, only to find that it was a bill for Zach. Yes, Zach, my first child who I had from birth to six months only to have the state totally screw me and take him to supposedly give to another adoptive couple.

Well this bill is for services rendered...12/12/2009!! So only a few months ago! My concern is that Zach was supposed to have been adopted by a couple on the coast...hours from here. Also, if he was adopted, at least his last name would be different. Why is his name the same and why all of a sudden is he back in town?

It breaks my heart because now the story that I tell myself to make me feel better...he was adopted by a good family on the coast...is most likely false. Now I worry that he was again yanked out of a good home and possibly taken back by his birth parents? I don't know but I find myself upset and worried over the child I lost almost exactly 5 years ago.

Of course I will call the doctors office tomorrow to let them know I am no longer responsible for his medical care, but I so wish I could get some info from them. You know...you think you have mostly healed about something like this and then you find out just how much I love and miss him.

Today Hasn't Been Horrible

I think the build up to Zach's birthday has been worse. I have thought about him a lot. Also explained his story to many. I'm just glad I had him for the time I did. I some days dream of seeing him again when he's older, but honestly, he has no memory of me, so that would be a fruitless reunion. I have so many pictures and keepsakes, including his hospital bracelet, that I would love to give to his family. But of course I would need to find them, and then I would probably hold them hostage until they gave me an update and maybe a picture.

Anyway, another year passed. I hope he had a good day today. I hope he was spoiled rotten and surrounded by people who love him as much as I do. Happy 4th Birthday Zach!

Tomorrow My First Son Turns 4

On August 31st 2004, my first son, Zachary James was born. I got the call the next day and on September 2nd brought home my beautiful baby boy. I instantly fell in love and life was amazing.

For the next 6 months my life was pretty good. He was a wonderful baby. He slept through the night at about 12 weeks and he was pretty content. He fit right into my family and we were a perfect match.

That all changed a week before he turned 6 months. His social worker called me and said his birth parents had resurfaced and had changed their plans. They were going to give him to someone else. I was devastated and in shock. It infuriated me that the system was allowing these idiots to remove Zach from the only mother he knew and give him to complete strangers with absolutely no connection to him at all. I just don't understand a world that works that way.

Zach was taken on a Friday. I haven't heard about him or seen him since. I still think of him daily and despite the birth of the twins, my heart still has a little hole in it that will never be healed. I know that if I had kept Zach, I wouldn't have ended up TTC and getting pregnant with the twins...but I'd like to believe that in a perfect world, I would still have all three of my children.


And just so you know what kind of parent Zach had, and who the Social Workers let decide the fate of this little boy I'll share a little. Zach father was an abusive drug addict. His mother a borderline retarded woman. Zach was the 6th child that was removed from them. They had none of their children in their custody. They had been charged with child abuse, neglect and actually trying to sell them (which I am convinced what happened in Zach's case). She was actually pregnant with number 7 when this occurred. This couple had had a child roughly every 11-13 months. After 3 and a half years, I am still bitter.