Anxiety 2.0

I reached my breaking point yesterday. Wow. For a few weeks this anxiety has been drilling away. Weighing down my shoulders, causing heaviness in my chest and causing moments of panic throughout the day. A few times I felt like I was about to cry...but even after giving myself 'permission' not a tear would come. There were days where I felt like if I could just cry, I would feel so much better.

Well, yesterday the tears finally came. OMG did they ever come. Big, messy, sobbing, hyperventilating, snotty, puffy eyes, and burning cheeks kind of cry. It was about so many things.

This new adventure I am trying...
The school work that is currently kicking my ass...
The job which has a weird vibe right now...
The knowledge that my best friend is no longer visiting this summer...
And being away from my children for far too long...

I'm sure there were other things too, but these were my predominate thoughts during my breakdown. I actually got to a point where I didn't want to be alone - which right now I am since there are no children in the house. And, of course my list of friends who I can rely on has severely diminished recently - another cause for the breakdown. Luckily one friend, who was busy and couldn't physically be with me, was able to talk with me for awhile and I was able to calm down and even laughed some near the end of the conversation.

Today, while I am still weighed down, I do feel better. I do think that cry was very therapeutic and I released a lot of the pent up frustration. Of course all those listed stressors haven't gone anywhere so the stress is still there. I will continue to work through them, but maybe now that I've had that great big cry, I won't feel so overwhelmed.

Here's to managing a little better and not feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders!!

Present...

So I have kinda given you a rapid overview of the highlights of the last year, mostly about the kids...now, what have I been up to the last year...

Well starting last May I started working more hours at work which eventually turned into an official full time position in January. I like my new role - more leadership/admin - and the hours work well for me. I knew it was time to start working full time and while I would have loved to stay part time forever, I'm glad I was able to stay home most of the time until M was three.

In May I also started to read again. I used to love to read and stopped after the twins were born. In May I installed the Kindle app on my iPad and started with the wildly popular Hunger Games and went on from there. I will have to admit now that reading has now become my obsession. It seems to calm me and take away some of my day to day anxiety. This is good, but also bad because of course I should be doing things like cleaning the house. I am a very fast reader - I can finish a 200 page book in a few hours - and I have been tracking my reading on Goodreads. In the last year I have read 307 books. Don't judge me.

This past fall I started to get into a slump. I was more introverted and really didn't get excited about much of anything. It was hard to power through events for the kids and things like Halloween. While I wouldn't say I was depressed, I definitely had a low period. I started looking at friendships and relationships I had and realized that many of them had seemed broken for awhile. I'm pretty sure I had been posting about this, but my twin mom group who I had been very connected to in the past, seemed to cause more hurt for me, and I often felt like I was left out or intentionally kept out of things. I did try to talk myself out of those feelings but they came to the forefront this winter. Initially it started after none of the friends from the twin group came to the twins party. I did hear from one group, but two other friends who have been at all the other parties just didn't show. It's kind of pathetic to say, but I was literally in tears that night knowing that what I was feeling wasn't off, but hurt that they allowed that to impact our children. The final nail in the coffin was a few weeks later when I was having a hard time keeping up with all my responsibilities due to health/work/school so I emailed the entire officer group - about 9 people, 4 of whom I would have once said were good friends - to let them know everything that was going on and to tell them I had to step down. Only two people, one of whom is not included in the four mentioned above - emailed me back to acknowledge what I had said. I initially wasn't going to completely leave the group...but after that obvious statement on where I stood with them...I haven't been able to go back.

My health has also been a frustration this past year. My MS is doing fine and in fact, this February marked 5 years since diagnosis with no flares since diagnosis! This is pretty huge!! Unfortunately I have been having problems with cellulitis. Right before Christmas I developed a spot under my arm that spread very quickly. In a matter of days I was admitted to the hospital and given IV antibiotics and had to have an I&D performed. There was no explanation for it other than it just sometimes happens. I was discharged from the hospital on Christmas Eve and thank goodness my parents were able to care for the kids while I was in the hospital and for a week after I got home. Almost exactly a month later, I developed another spot, this time on my abdomen. It followed the same rapid spread and I did everything I could to stay out of the hospital. This time my parents were not available and there was no way I could be admitted. I had a shot of antibiotic in the butt and was on 4 different pills. For a week I was taking over 20 pills a day to stay out of the hospital. Had my parents been here, I would have allowed myself to be re-admitted. After about a week things started to turn and luckily got better. Since that time I have had two more spots come up. Neither have been as bad, nor required medications. I have stopped taking my MS meds because that is the only thing I can think of that might be causing this. I went off them for 2 months and did okay and as soon as I restarted them, a developed another spot. This whole thing has been very frustrating and every time a new spot surfaces it causes me a lot of anxiety not knowing if this time I will need to be hospitalized again.

And because all the above wasn't enough to keep me on my toes...I started school in April as a full time student. Crazy huh? My hospital has a huge focus on all their RN's having their BSN degree...and I don't. They decided that all RN's in higher level positions had to get their degree within a few years or be stripped of everything. So, I am begrudgingly going back to school. I am in a 100% online program and so far it hasn't been too bad, but I would, of course, rather not be doing it. My evenings and weekends are focused on classes now...which stinks. I should graduate in September of 2014 if all goes well.

Otherwise, I think I'm about the same. My weight hasn't changed any...which is bad. It's always on my 'I really need to' list which I never quite seem to do anything about. Money is tight as always. Friendships are even suckier than before, because while I've always had a hard time having close friends, the few I had are gone. Right now I am very isolated and withdrawn. I need to work on this, but I'm not sure how. And...in news probably related to the last point, I have started to feel like maybe I don't want to live my life by myself. I've always been very happy being single and have rarely had thoughts otherwise, but lately I yearn for another adult in my life. The problem is the package I'm offering isn't very appealing and anytime I think I might reach out, I am reminded of the high likelihood of failure and additional hurt.

So...here's my year in a nut shell. I will try to post again before May 2014 ;0)

To leave you, here are a few pics of the kids I took this weekend

The Beginning of the End

Tonight is the last night of the old me. Tomorrow starts a new day, and a new me.

I went to the doctor today and discussed my depression, anxiety and obsessive behaviour. As of today I am on a new medication. I go back in 4 weeks to see if it has helped any. If not we will try something else. I'm glad he is working with me and not wanting to transfer me to a shrink. I just don't have the time or money for that. Hopefully this will make me feel better about life in general, help my eating and even help me with tolerating N more, because lets face it, lately I can't stand her.

Tomorrow I also start my new diet and exercise program. Last year I lost almost 90lbs. I can do it again. For the first week or two I will keep to a liquid diet to jump start my loss and then transition to a healthier diet like I did last year. It will be a rough few weeks but usually once I get into the groove I do pretty good. I will also get back on my bike every night for 30 minutes. I haven't done that in months. I will also keep up my walking club that I actually have been doing all this time.

I need to get my mental state in check and I need to get to a certain weight to TTC again. I am not confident that I will be there in January, but hopefully I can stay committed to this and early next year I will be where I need to be.

Holy F'ing Shit!!

I know I have been self destructive. I know I have been out of control. I know I have been eating way beyond what any normal person should. What I didn't know was that in the last 2 months, my behaviour has gained me twenty pounds. I am so disgusted with myself. I hate myself. I don't even know where to go from here.


I have to do something. I have decided to call my regular doctor and change my meds. Obviously what I'm on is not controlling my depression and anxiety. I just hope that I don't end up getting the run around. My GP not wanting to prescribe anything, referring me to a psychologist who charges me tons of money and won't prescribe me anything without the therapy. I just don't have the time or patience for the run around.

I might even start going back to my nutritionist. She seemed to help me. She kept me honest and accountable.

The reason I found out what I weighed is because I had a neuro appointment today to follow up my MS. My doc was impressed with how well I was doing. He said my neuro exam was completely normal and that unless I had problems I didn't need to see him again for 6-8 months. We talked about me TTC and all he said was that he recommended going off my meds while pregnant but that he knew many moms who stayed on it while pregnant and he didn't know of any issues. I am still undecided as to what I will do. I Have decided though that I need to get to a certain weight before TTC so January may not be in the cards after all.

I have three dinners and two events in the next week or so, so I have decided come October 1st a major diet will hit this house and hopefully by early next year I will be where I should be.

On other news, I'm pretty sure tomorrow will be CD1 so I will start charting, temping and using OPK's in an attempt to learn my cycles as well as I can so that when I TTC it will be as quick as possible. Hopefully I can get my life back on track before then.

Addictions....

Well we all know one of my addictions is food. I use food as a comfort to feel better. To stuff my feelings in deeper with every bite I take and while I feel pure joy while doing it, I feel like shit later. I wish food was my only outlet, my only life affecting problem. Sadly I have another issue when I am feeling down, anxious or stressed.

I like to spend. I like to buy clothes and toys for the kids. I hardly ever buy anything for me. Lately whenever I go out I find clothes or toys that the kids just 'need'. My friends called today to tell me that Toys R Us had some great sales. So what do I do, I go over and find several Little People sets that I have been trying to find for the twins. Yes, they were a good price, but they were not things I needed nor really could afford. Credit Cards can be such a problem sometimes but sometimes I really do need them (ie the flat tire last week) so I don't want to just get rid of them. I think once I pay everything off, I will at least downsize to one. I will say in my defense though that my credit card debt is not nearly as bad as many people I have heard, but that doesn't mean it can't get there.

I can tell you that right now I have enough gifts for the kids for Christmas. They do NOT need anything else and I hope that in the next three months I don't continue my spending at the same rate. If I do...I will be in big trouble!

Tomorrow My First Son Turns 4

On August 31st 2004, my first son, Zachary James was born. I got the call the next day and on September 2nd brought home my beautiful baby boy. I instantly fell in love and life was amazing.

For the next 6 months my life was pretty good. He was a wonderful baby. He slept through the night at about 12 weeks and he was pretty content. He fit right into my family and we were a perfect match.

That all changed a week before he turned 6 months. His social worker called me and said his birth parents had resurfaced and had changed their plans. They were going to give him to someone else. I was devastated and in shock. It infuriated me that the system was allowing these idiots to remove Zach from the only mother he knew and give him to complete strangers with absolutely no connection to him at all. I just don't understand a world that works that way.

Zach was taken on a Friday. I haven't heard about him or seen him since. I still think of him daily and despite the birth of the twins, my heart still has a little hole in it that will never be healed. I know that if I had kept Zach, I wouldn't have ended up TTC and getting pregnant with the twins...but I'd like to believe that in a perfect world, I would still have all three of my children.


And just so you know what kind of parent Zach had, and who the Social Workers let decide the fate of this little boy I'll share a little. Zach father was an abusive drug addict. His mother a borderline retarded woman. Zach was the 6th child that was removed from them. They had none of their children in their custody. They had been charged with child abuse, neglect and actually trying to sell them (which I am convinced what happened in Zach's case). She was actually pregnant with number 7 when this occurred. This couple had had a child roughly every 11-13 months. After 3 and a half years, I am still bitter.