Binge Binge Binge

That's right. I need to get it out of my system because come Monday I am on a diet. I know I've said this before and I don't really have any proof that I will do any better this time but I know I have been out of control again. It drives me crazy that I just don't have the self-control or stamina that I did a few years ago when I lost all the weight I did. Even if I don't loose weight, I need to do this to be healthier for my upcoming pregnancy (hopefully). I am also going to try and do better with my exercise. In January I went to the Y to work out 3 to 4 times per week. In February I went like 4 times total and I don't think I've been this month. Come Monday...no excuses. I need to do this for my children if not for me.

Not Liking Myself Much...

Since K was diagnosed with pneumonia, I have been very bad with eating and exercise. I have probably gained 5-10lbs back. I hate myself. Why whenever I get stressed do I turn to food?

With the stress of sick kids, a sick mommy, plans to TTC in limbo and other issues I just have felt the need to eat more. I know what I am doing is wrong..and yet I do it anyways.

Ahhhhh. Tomorrow is a new day...maybe I can start it with a new attitude.

The Gravitational Pull Most Have Decreased...

Because I actually weigh 3.3lbs lighter despite all my eating!

I guess the exercise is really the key!

Maybe this week I'll be good at both...and who knows how much I can lose!

AAHHHHH!!

What is wrong with me? I have been pretty good about doing my exercise. When I'm at the Y I am able to workout for 40 minutes and my new favorite machine is the elliptical :) But the food...crap the food...I'm just not being good. I am hoping and wishing that tomorrow the scale doesn't show any gain. I'll be lucky if I maintain. Why on earth is it so freaking hard!? It didn't help that we had two events including a birthday party, but those are really just excuses. I really need to get my act together.

On other news, I didn't ovulate this month :( That sucks because it confirms my thoughts that I don't ovulate every month, which may be a sign of other problems. But it's also concerning because the month before I conceived the twins I didn't ovulate and always assumed I ovulated twice in June to make up for it. I hope I don't do that again next month.

I am getting excited about next month, and nervous too. I wish I had been able to lose more weight before then, but if this pregnancy is anything like the last one, I will lose plenty.

Diet Update

Well, I don't have any weight loss update, but I just wanted to say how surprised I am about what the challenges are for me. I seem to be able to keep up with the 30-40 minutes of exercise each day, but the food is still killing me. I would have never thought that exercise would be the 'easy' thing.

I have started using the elliptical machine at the gym. For the first 5 minutes I feel like I'm dying but then it seems to be okay. Now I just need to increase my speed and resistance.

And a shout out congrats to J on her weight loss success too!!

9 Pounds

Thats how much weight I lost this last week.

Yipee!!!!

Now I just need to stick to it!

Today Doesn't Count

Today wasn't great as far as dieting is concerned. What defect in my brain decided that the week I started my period, should be the week I start a diet....yah right.

I guess I wasn't TOO horrible. Some pretzels at lunch...a few mini quiches at dinner....and cocoa pebbles for dessert.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Diet Update

So far...not too bad. I have had a few rough patches with Halloween and N's birthday, but I have been real good with my exercise. I have been to the Y most days this past week. I am feeling better about myself so hopefully the exercise and meds are starting to work :)

I was weighed at the doctors office on October 27th. I have another appointment on November 24th. I will not weigh myself again until then. I don't need the discouragement right now.

Tomorrow I will be back at the Y, and I hope to increase my workout and my time there. Luckily I have a workout buddy with the same goals and same weight loss needs. It is SOOO much easier that way :)

Diet Attempt #1,000,239...

Okay, so yesterday I started a new diet. I need to get my binge eating under control. I am disgusted to say that I have regained a substantial part of the 90 pounds I lost last year - SHIT.

So far I have been very good with my food intake and have exercised both days. I even went to the gym today. Wish me luck. This has to be the most horrible time to start a diet - the holiday season!! I have a goal in mind and have to reach it before I TTC so I guess that's the best motivation I could hope for.

I'm a Fu@king Failure

The last few days I have failed my diet miserably. I am eating what I want again and I am so unhappy with myself. I think my depression is still quite prevalent because I am definitely self-loathing right now. I hate myself and it seems like I will do anything to screw things up. I don't get it. I have so much riding on this weight loss and yet I still can't pull it off.

A Busy 24 Hours & The Diet Gods are Against Me

Friday night when I got home from work I had to run out and find something for all of us to wear for family portraits on Saturday. Luckily my friend S and her daughter came with us so it wasn't as stressful and boring as it usually is. 4 hours and 5 stores later I got S a nice simple outfit which will also work as the base for his Christmas outfit (YEAH) and I got K a VERY cute jumper dress. I got myself a white dress top which I hate but it fit and it matched S and K nicely.

We got up and headed to the park Saturday morning for our Family pics. This was the event I organized for the MOM group. I had the first appointment and then had to stay the entire morning to facilitate the rest of the families having their pics taken. The twins were really good for having to be at the park all morning long. I think overall the pics went really, really well. I will post some pictures when I get them.

We then ran home, had an hour nap and then drove out to my friend G who was having a picnic. Initially I was good having a decent portion of potatoes, bread and pork but then the dessert table was unveiled and I have to say I failed the temptation. Which bring me to the idea that the Diet Gods are Against Me!! You remember the first day of my diet and unlimited temptation? Follow that up with several of those everyday since! I have done really well but then caved at the picnic. I gave up! I have been good since, but man, enough with the tests!!

G with each of the twins.

Diet Day One....Not too Bad

My biggest splurge was 2 rice cakes :) So I did very well.

I need to give myself credit though. I went to an all day class today. When I got there they were serving breakfast. Biscuits, bacon, eggs, gravy, sausage...you name it. I enjoyed a slimfast shake. Lunch came. Meat pie, potato salad, coleslaw, chocolate cake. I enjoyed a slimfast. Few hours later, cookies and brownies. I had a drink of diet coke.

I think I pissed off the diet gods, why else would I have so much temptation the first day! I'm so glad I made it through today!

The Beginning of the End

Tonight is the last night of the old me. Tomorrow starts a new day, and a new me.

I went to the doctor today and discussed my depression, anxiety and obsessive behaviour. As of today I am on a new medication. I go back in 4 weeks to see if it has helped any. If not we will try something else. I'm glad he is working with me and not wanting to transfer me to a shrink. I just don't have the time or money for that. Hopefully this will make me feel better about life in general, help my eating and even help me with tolerating N more, because lets face it, lately I can't stand her.

Tomorrow I also start my new diet and exercise program. Last year I lost almost 90lbs. I can do it again. For the first week or two I will keep to a liquid diet to jump start my loss and then transition to a healthier diet like I did last year. It will be a rough few weeks but usually once I get into the groove I do pretty good. I will also get back on my bike every night for 30 minutes. I haven't done that in months. I will also keep up my walking club that I actually have been doing all this time.

I need to get my mental state in check and I need to get to a certain weight to TTC again. I am not confident that I will be there in January, but hopefully I can stay committed to this and early next year I will be where I need to be.

Holy F'ing Shit!!

I know I have been self destructive. I know I have been out of control. I know I have been eating way beyond what any normal person should. What I didn't know was that in the last 2 months, my behaviour has gained me twenty pounds. I am so disgusted with myself. I hate myself. I don't even know where to go from here.


I have to do something. I have decided to call my regular doctor and change my meds. Obviously what I'm on is not controlling my depression and anxiety. I just hope that I don't end up getting the run around. My GP not wanting to prescribe anything, referring me to a psychologist who charges me tons of money and won't prescribe me anything without the therapy. I just don't have the time or patience for the run around.

I might even start going back to my nutritionist. She seemed to help me. She kept me honest and accountable.

The reason I found out what I weighed is because I had a neuro appointment today to follow up my MS. My doc was impressed with how well I was doing. He said my neuro exam was completely normal and that unless I had problems I didn't need to see him again for 6-8 months. We talked about me TTC and all he said was that he recommended going off my meds while pregnant but that he knew many moms who stayed on it while pregnant and he didn't know of any issues. I am still undecided as to what I will do. I Have decided though that I need to get to a certain weight before TTC so January may not be in the cards after all.

I have three dinners and two events in the next week or so, so I have decided come October 1st a major diet will hit this house and hopefully by early next year I will be where I should be.

On other news, I'm pretty sure tomorrow will be CD1 so I will start charting, temping and using OPK's in an attempt to learn my cycles as well as I can so that when I TTC it will be as quick as possible. Hopefully I can get my life back on track before then.

Put Your Hand Up if You're a Binge Eater...

So I am supposed to be on a diet. I am supposed to be losing weight. I am supposed to be exercising. Am I doing any of it? NOPE.

I just can't get motivated and it's kind of scary. I lost 90 pounds last year and now I seem to be doing anything I can to ruin that. The last few weeks I have been binging almost every other day. All I do is think about food and where I will get my next 'fix'. It sounds crazy but I totally feel like some crack addict who is always trying to figure out how to score. I also enjoy the eating, but as soon as I am done I hate myself and feel like shit.

Emotionally I don't feel great which I am sure is part of the problem, but I need to figure out how to light a fire under my ass. I mean now all the holidays are coming and it will be unlikely that I will be able to stick to anything 100% of the time.

I have also said I need to be at a certain weight to TTC again and instead of getting closer, I am getting farther away. WTF? I often wonder why if I want a baby so bad, I cant get my ass in gear and lose this weight? Part of me thinks I subconsciously don't think I can handle another baby so it's my own way of sabotaging it? How screwed up is that!

Weight Loss Sucks

Last May I made the decision to lose weight. I was/am very overweight. Last year I was able to lose 90lbs!! I still had at least another 90lbs to go this year but after my diagnosis of MS I lost all desire to lose weight and sunk into a depression. I actually gained about 20lbs back and horrible as that was. Since April I have tried probably 50 times to restart my diet without success. I do okay for a few weeks but it seems like my body is fighting me this time. Last year I would lose 2-3lbs per week. This year I can be good with my eating and exercise and then weigh in only to find that I weigh the same or even slightly higher. It doesn't make any sense and it is extremely discouraging. Add to that my sucky month and I will just say that I have been doing a lot of emotional eating lately.

The biggest reason this sucks is I want to be a certain weight before I start TTC again in January. At this rate, I will never make it :(