Disconneted

You know, the more I am around those who I have considered friends, the more I feel disconnected. At this point in my life, I have no continued contact with anyone from my past. I have not made any real connections as an adult. I know that I can't blame others. I am the common denominator here and therefor that would indicate that the problem has to be more me than them. And, I do agree with that statement to a point.

I am a person who doesn't open up easily. I fiercely protect myself. I have been abandoned by my biological father; my first stepfather physically and emotionally abused me; I have chosen a life on my own to avoid the potential hurt and devastation that a relationship could bring. Growing up, these insecurities would cause a lot of pain. I seemed to try to create friendships with those who would turn their back on me. No true support or alliances. I tried to be friends with many who used me, made fun behind my back or who were different people than they led me to believe. There is not a single one of my 'best friends' who I grew up with who I still have meaningful contact with. Shit..I can barely get them to return an email or facebook post.

As I grew, I created defense mechanisms. When I felt like the relationship was in jeopardy, when I felt hurt or betrayal, or if I felt like I was going to get hurt, I would pull back. I would turn inwards and pull away. Despite my hard outside, I am quite fragile and I can't take hurt over and over again. I guess I figure if I can get the wall up first, they can't hurt me.

So, when friends hurt me, intentionally or not, I pull away. I figure if I can distance myself and convince myself that I don't care, I can't get hurt. This, of course, probably hurts me more than helps. Maybe this defense mechanism, makes it seem like I don't care to them. Maybe it makes whatever the initial problem worse. I don't know. I know it's not a healthy way to deal with things, but it is the way I have been 'trained'. When you get beat up - physically and emotionally - enough times, you figure out ways to block the hits.

I would love to be able to spend time with people who I once considered friends and feel comfortable. Feel free to be myself or relax. Sadly, right now, I don't think there is anyone who does that for me. I continue to push through. Attend events with friends, but in the end, I usually feel more lonely, more depressed, more disconnected than if I had just given up and stayed home. I often sit while watching others talk, laugh, connect and feel like I'm right back in high school. Part of my just wants to give up and stop trying.

So, it seems as though the thing I 'do' to protect myself and keep from re-living my past pains and betrayals, may in fact be causing them. How wonderful is that? At 31 years old, I know I am still considered 'young' but I often times feel like the negative parts of myself have just grown and become more ingrained in me.

So why am I putting this out there? I don't know. Maybe in a few days I will come back and erase this post. Right now I feel like maybe if I get it out, I will feel better? Maybe it will help me to change? Maybe someone who reads this will see one of their friends in this post and try to reach out harder to them. Sometimes outward appearances of strength, resilience and determination are just that...outward appearances. Sometimes what's in the inside is something quite different.