Feeling Disengaged

For the last 2 weeks or so, I have felt disengaged. I don't feel a connection to anything or anyone. I feel like everything that I have held important, has failed or let me down. I have lost faith or hope in things that once gave me some degree of satisfaction.

It's a weird feeling and one I don't like. I have to fight to get things done. I don't enjoy doing anything and I just feel 'blah'. Maybe it's a component to my depression and I need to struggle through it until it passes. I don't know. It makes life difficult, unhappy and it impacts my interaction with the kids.

The feeling started last week at work when a co-worker was promoted. It's difficult to understand why this would impact me without going into a HUGE back story. A very simplified version is that this employee is unreliable, immature and has other major issues. A group that I chair was asked to interview him for the position, which we did, and recommended that he did not get the position, and it was given to him anyway. Many years ago, this group also interviewed me for a position (not the one he got) and they also declined to give me the position. Only difference is it wasn't offered to me. This was a huge betrayal but it occurred when I was 1 weeks pregnant with the twins, so what was I going to do. So, with the other factors, and then my history with this group, it re-opens the wounds and makes me wonder why the position was held from me, but offered to him.

The local moms group that I am part of has been having some drama lately with a few members. Some of these members are long time trouble makers and nothing is ever done with them. Infact, in many ways it seems like the rules don't apply to them. After years of dealing with them, I am tired. I have two positions with this group. I announced this week that I am stepping down from one of them. I will probably hold on to the other, but that one doesn't involve direct contact with any members so it will hopefully be okay.

And I think the thing that knocked me down the most was the Twin Mom Fall Bazaar. I was in charge of organizing this. I have been working on it since July. Collecting registrations, communicating with vendors, planning the additional raffle and bake sale, designing the brochure and banner and then having them made and organizing the volunteer schedule to help with the Bazaar and Bake Sale. This group has over 60 members. If you count the members who weren't selling at the Bazaar, I maybe had 5-8 people bring baked items and/or help at the Bazaar.

I pushed through though. I did most of everything to prepare for this. I baked like a maniac on Friday to ensure enough supply. Friday night I went to the hall and set up all the tables and stored the drinks I had bought for the sale. Early Saturday morning I was there to help the other vendors and get the show going. I was there all day.

And the worst possible thing that could have happened, happened. Virtually no one came. All that planning, energy and effort wasted. Not only that but I had to stand there all day embarrassed and frustrated that I had a hall full of vendors and no customers. I advertised in many venues and really did all I could have. I don't understand why it failed. But it did. And this, I feel is my fault - even though logically I know I had no control over this.

But again, I felt left down by those around me. The numerous friends of mine who were supposed to come. The 60 members of the twins group who should have come to show support. The members of the group who are supposed to be my friends who when asked to help me replied they were busy - like I apparently sit on my ass all day.

So anyway...I'm just tired. I'm frustrated. I'm done. I have no one to count on, rules don't apply to everyone and double standards are everywhere. So ya, disengaged is my word for my mood. I hope it passes soon.