Missing In Action

Wow. I haven't posted in forever.

I am here. Daily I think about topics I want to blog about but then I open this site and my motivation leaves or I'm just not interested enough any longer to put an effort into it.

I have been in a weird funk. Not depressed. Tired. Stressed. I feel like I am running on empty. Like I have nothing else to offer. Hopefully this will change soon, for everyone's sake.

I will be back to blogging soon. Don't give up on me yet!

He's Such a Cool Kid

S loves to learn. He loves anything Science. His favorite things right now are Dinosaurs, Planets and Biology. When he isn't trying to learn, he is building. He will take a bunch of random things and somehow fit them together to make something new. His mind is always at work.

Last week his class was finishing up their Space Curriculum. The teacher was taking down the planets the class made and S asked what she was going to do with them. When she replied with throwing them away, S would have nothing to do with that and right then I inherited 8 paper mache and yarn planets. As per the photos they are now hanging in the twins room. They hang in front of the "Wall of S" All his posters, important drawings and other treasured art get pinned to that wall. While most the time I cringe when I look at all the push pins in the drywall, last night I sat and stared at it in awe. It was so cool to see this collage of all things S. He is such a neat guy and that's one of the reasons I love him so.

A Quick Catch Up

Despite wanting to deviate from the blog challenge a little, I didn't. I held true to the daily topics and since most my 'off topic' posts were just going to be huge rants, I kept them to myself. But now that the challenge is over...watch out!

The biggest events of the past few weeks have been another round of illness in the house. M started with a few days of symptomless fevers which I have now determined was teething related. The weekend before Easter a GI bug hit the house and so began my ever rising levels of stress and exhaustion.

N started with it first. Saturday night she went to bed early. She barely left her room Sunday and on Monday it became evident that she was just laying in bed and stooling all day without changing or cleaning. By Tuesday morning I was worn out with all the bed changes, showers and clean ups along with the fact that my house was rank! The smell downstairs was unreal and I couldn't help but be frustrated with N for letting it get that way.

Sunday night S started to vomit. He was up into the early hours and had to stay home Monday from school. Luckily the vomiting was short lived and he felt better by Tuesday.

On Wednesday it seemed like the home was starting to feel better. N was weak but up and moving around some and the kids seemed healthy. I started to breath a sigh of relief...oops. Too soon.

Thursday while I was at work N fell and started to look poorly. Since I was at work and couldn't assess the situation, I called EMS and had her brought to the hospital. I could no longer handle N at home with her weak, falling, incontinent and not improving like she needed to. She was admitted to the hospital that night. In addition, K and M started vomiting too.

Friday the children were getting back to being healthy again. No more vomiting but some loose stools. N was doing a little better in the hospital and while I didn't feel great, I was functional too. That night however, after I had left the hospital, the doctor ordered N some pretty powerful narcotic meds and when I came back on Saturday to visit, N was CONFUSED as can be. So the weekend was spent trying to figure out what the heck to do with N and what we were going to do with discharge. I was able to get away for a few hours on Sunday to my parents so have an Easter celebration and Egg Hunt.

N was discharged from the hospital to a nursing home for rehab on Monday. She is still there now - it will be a week tomorrow. She is getting daily therapy. Her mental state is back to baseline now that her routine meds have been restarted and no more narcotics. She is getting back to her baseline physical state too and will probably be back here sometime this week.

I am going to strangle the next person who says "It must be nice to get a break" referring to N not being in my home. I'm not sure why daily (or more) trips to the hospital or nursing home, organizing therapies, talking to doctors, being the go between for the rest of my family and her friends, making special trips because she wants clothes, or her TV or whatever is considered a break. At least here when she's at home I can escape.

I am ready for all this to be behind me! The kids have seemed healthy this week. I am fine (other than the frequent migraines I've been getting) and N is on the right track. Please let this all continue for at least a few weeks!

My Heart is Heavy

May 1st. It marks one year since a good friend of mine lost her precious son. In some ways I can't believe that it's been one year. And then in others, so much has happened since then, how could it have only been a year?

In the last year my friend has made amazing strides. Of course in the beginning she, and her family went through shear hell. In the first few months we didn't see too much of her, understandably. When she did emerge, she emerged with a new strength, a new way of living, a new plan. Her and her family went on to make an adoption plan. They transversed the difficult journey of adoption - home studies, clearances, emotional highs and lows, and a few situations that fell through. In January of this year, that journey paid off when they received their gift of 'Joy'. a precious baby girl. J is now three months old, loved more than words can say and...I'm sure...spoiled rotten. What is even more amazing...gives me goosebumps when I think of it...based on J's birthdate, she was conceived most likely the very day my dear friend's son was lost. It seems like she was meant to be...meant to be with her chosen family.

Of course, even with J in their life, today is still bittersweet. Life changed drastically. Even in the end, with a beautiful baby girl in their arms, there is a baby boy who is missed. A baby boy who has not left my thoughts in this past year. A baby boy who should still be with us. While different, there is some similarity to my feelings in March of 2006. I sat on a couch in tears, mourning the one year anniversary of loosing my baby boy Zach, while at the same time soothing S and K who were only a few weeks old. I knew that had I not lost Zach, I would never have moved on. I would have never had the need to TTC. I would have never had the twins. And while in my head I knew that, I still sat on that day wishing that all three of my children were with me.