I Found My Parenting Achilles Heel

Reading...or I should say, learning to read. It stresses me out. I don't know how to deal with it. It sounds stupid to say that, but seriously, I can't do it.

I hate that I respond the way I do. I try to go into it differently. I try to remind myself of how hard this is, but in the end, often the twins and I are left in tears.

I think part of it is I never had to 'learn' to read. By three I was reading books and I was never taught. My moms said it was like I just figured it out on my own. And so when we go over reading words over and over and then 10 minutes later they have forgotten everything we did, I stress.

I need to figure out how to deal though. I do not want my kids to stress about reading or dread it because of how it all goes down. Tonight I had my sister do the reading with them and it went much better. I may need to look into paying someone else to do it though, when my sister isn't here. That will be another great financial stress...sigh.

So, I feel horrible. I feel like I am failing my kids. I need to get a handle on this though...or sacrifice some bill to pay for the private tutor.

Time for Pictures

Today was our yearly Christmas Photos. This is a very stressful time for me. It always is. I worry so much about outfits, picture quality and children cooperation. I really don't know why I put myself through so much. I either need to stop getting professional pictures and just take some candids, or I need to learn to let go and realize that they will turn out the way they will turn out.

Picture I took on the way out the door :) I love the way S is sitting.

I tried a new photographer who I wasn't really impressed with. I have seen some of her work which was really good, but in retrospect it was always with one child. Not three. She seemed to be lost with three subjects and didn't seem to know what to do with M's energy. I still haven't seen them, so I hope I have a few good ones in the batch.

Because I wasn't overly confident in her getting a good shot, I took some when we got home too. They started okay, but by the end we were all stressed out and done. Thank god these are done for another year.

Yep M, that's how we all feel

Sorry for the Delay....

K did really well.

We didn't need to be at the hospital until 9:30a so I knew we would be later in the day. It seemed to take forever for them to call us back, and by the time they did, K was in tears because her leg hurt and she was hungry. It wasn't too long after we were in the back room that they gave her the 'happy medicine' and things settled down a little.

She was funny on the drugs. She always gets pretty loopy on the Versed. I was able to carry her to the back room and ay her on the table. I kissed her goodbye and went to the waiting room. She was in surgery for about 2 hours and then taken to her room. One thing I was not as happy with was her time in recovery. Last time they let me stay with her as she was waking up. I promised her the same this time, but they didn't let me back. The first time I saw her was when I met her in the hall, wheeling to her room.

Initially, like the last time, she wasn't very happy with how she felt. The IV in her hand and the weird sensation in her leg made her very unhappy. She ate an entire 6" sub as her surgery reward, a cup of ice cream and an entire bottle of soda. She really was hungry!

Just back from surgery and not very happy.
Feeling better after a meal. The bandage is her dressing. They were able to once again just make a small drill hole to access the tumor.
Able to go home!

We were discharged later that night. It took forever for them to process everything that needed processing, but I think we were home about 9pm. K woke up that night for pain meds about 3am which would have been about when the pain meds wore off.

She stayed home from school on Thursday and it was apparent very quickly that she was better...and bored. She took pain meds twice through the day and didn't know what to do with herself. By the end of the day she was begging to go back to school on Friday. By Friday morning I was convinced that she was fine and she did go to school. I think some thought I was crazy, but the kid was begging to go and there really wasn't a reason for her to stay home.

She did well at school the next day. By the end of the weekend she wasn't even needing medication anymore. Thank goodness for quick recoveries.

Just please...let this be it!!

Tomorrow is the Day!

Everyone who reads and/or follows this blog, please keep K in your thoughts. Tomorrow she will undergo her second RFA procedure to remove the tumor in her Right Tibia. We are hoping for a quick, complication free procedure. We are hoping for a similar recovery to last time, in which she was pain free within 48 hours. And we are hoping for a complete cure this time without recurrence.

Tonight K is anxious, but at the same time looking forward to the surgery. She understands that this is what will take away her pain. So while she is dreading, and will cry if you mention, the IV, she is excited to see her 'spot' gone and her post procedure reward - Subway.

Smothered

Okay, so this is going to be a totally crazy post given what I just posted about yesterday, but I need to vent...and if you have suggestions...please give them.

I have a friend who I used to work with. She is 65 years old and has always been very sweet to me and the kids. For the last 4 years she has even come over every Sunday and picked N up to take her to church and lunch. This gives me such a nice break once a week.

She is very well meaning, but I always feel like she is smothering me. At 65, she obviously isn't 'best friend' material. She is more like an adoptive grandma to the kids. The reason she drives me nuts - she wants to help, impose, involve herself in so many things.

Tomorrow is K's surgery. My mom will be here with the boys. While I am at the hospital I will be working while K is in surgery and then hanging out with her when she's in her room. I have no problem with being there by myself. I was there by myself last time. But G has said she is coming to spend the day with me. From 8:30a to probably 7 or 8 pm she will be there, and honestly, this stresses me out more than the surgery itself.

I will be busy. I have to work - make phone calls, write notes - and I don't want to feel like I need to be entertaining her. She is very touchy-feely and I am not. It makes me very uncomfortable. So then when K returns to her room I will also have to deal with a third person there. I just want to focus on my work and then my daughter. I have hinted to her several times that I don't need her there; that it will be boring; such a long day and drive, but she hasn't relented. She is going to be there, and I have no way to stop it without hurting her feelings.

This isn't the first time she has done this. After the twins were born she was right in my room. Sitting by me, even tried to help me breastfeed!! Um...no. When I was pregnant with M she kept telling me to call when I went into labor because she would come. I didn't even want my own mother in the delivery room...why would I want her? I called her, after M was born and she acted hurt because I didn't call sooner. She also frequently tried to push her religious beliefs on me and the kids, which is also a big no-no for me.

So, yes, this post is a direct contrast to yesterday's. But I don't want a friend who invades my space, pushes themselves on me and tries to get involved in things that I want to keep within my family. I have tolerated it, because like I said, it's all well meaning and she is doing it out of concern, but at some point she should realize that I don't want it. I do want her friendship and a relationship with her, just not the one she is pushing.

Be there for me. Call to check on me. If I need you...I'll let you know.

Disconneted

You know, the more I am around those who I have considered friends, the more I feel disconnected. At this point in my life, I have no continued contact with anyone from my past. I have not made any real connections as an adult. I know that I can't blame others. I am the common denominator here and therefor that would indicate that the problem has to be more me than them. And, I do agree with that statement to a point.

I am a person who doesn't open up easily. I fiercely protect myself. I have been abandoned by my biological father; my first stepfather physically and emotionally abused me; I have chosen a life on my own to avoid the potential hurt and devastation that a relationship could bring. Growing up, these insecurities would cause a lot of pain. I seemed to try to create friendships with those who would turn their back on me. No true support or alliances. I tried to be friends with many who used me, made fun behind my back or who were different people than they led me to believe. There is not a single one of my 'best friends' who I grew up with who I still have meaningful contact with. Shit..I can barely get them to return an email or facebook post.

As I grew, I created defense mechanisms. When I felt like the relationship was in jeopardy, when I felt hurt or betrayal, or if I felt like I was going to get hurt, I would pull back. I would turn inwards and pull away. Despite my hard outside, I am quite fragile and I can't take hurt over and over again. I guess I figure if I can get the wall up first, they can't hurt me.

So, when friends hurt me, intentionally or not, I pull away. I figure if I can distance myself and convince myself that I don't care, I can't get hurt. This, of course, probably hurts me more than helps. Maybe this defense mechanism, makes it seem like I don't care to them. Maybe it makes whatever the initial problem worse. I don't know. I know it's not a healthy way to deal with things, but it is the way I have been 'trained'. When you get beat up - physically and emotionally - enough times, you figure out ways to block the hits.

I would love to be able to spend time with people who I once considered friends and feel comfortable. Feel free to be myself or relax. Sadly, right now, I don't think there is anyone who does that for me. I continue to push through. Attend events with friends, but in the end, I usually feel more lonely, more depressed, more disconnected than if I had just given up and stayed home. I often sit while watching others talk, laugh, connect and feel like I'm right back in high school. Part of my just wants to give up and stop trying.

So, it seems as though the thing I 'do' to protect myself and keep from re-living my past pains and betrayals, may in fact be causing them. How wonderful is that? At 31 years old, I know I am still considered 'young' but I often times feel like the negative parts of myself have just grown and become more ingrained in me.

So why am I putting this out there? I don't know. Maybe in a few days I will come back and erase this post. Right now I feel like maybe if I get it out, I will feel better? Maybe it will help me to change? Maybe someone who reads this will see one of their friends in this post and try to reach out harder to them. Sometimes outward appearances of strength, resilience and determination are just that...outward appearances. Sometimes what's in the inside is something quite different.

Lucky?

I heard many people speak about today and how it would be lucky. 11-11-11. Yes, very cool. I find fun in number combinations found in dates and times. Many posts were found on FB at 11:11 to commemorate 11-11-11. I was to work today, so I just hoped that it would bring an easy and fast passing day at work.

It would not be so. I had to call out of work today. I never call out of work. Seriously, I don't. It kills me to. In fact, I sat for over an hour with my stomach churning before picking up the phone. To add to the stress; any call out on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday has to be made up on a weekend. So now I get another weekend shift added to my next schedule. So, why did I call out? All three of my children have plotted against me.

M - On Wednesday night I found a small pimple. Looked like a bug bite. I basically ignored it. By Thursday, Q was saying that he was limping around the house and complaining about his leg hurting. When I got home at 8pm it didn't look horrible. By 1am the bug bite was huge. It was now an abscess. More concerning, there was over 10 smaller superficial abscesses surrounding the area. I actually considered taking him to the ED right then. I decided that since he wasn't febrile, I would wait until the next morning. We did get to the doctor today, he has multiple MRSA abscess and is on antibiotics again. He is pitiful. Tonight the abscess finally came to head, so I also got the pleasure of 'expressing' it.

K - Her pain is out of control. I feel like I am damaging her kidneys with all the ibuprofen I am giving her. It seems like I am giving to her way too much. K goes from fine to freak out screaming in a matter of minutes. I even have her on some stomach medicine to help prevent stomach irritation. Her surgery is scheduled for Wednesday. I can't wait. I so want her pain to be gone! Oh, and another bonus...the Children's Hospital called me today. They wanted to know what my plan was to pay her projected $27,000 hospital bill. Hahaha...yah, like I have a plan for that (insurance of course will pic up a good deal of it.)

S - While dealing with two crying children this morning, S wakes up and looks at me funny. He states he doesn't feel well...and...BLA...he throws up. After talking to him, it is clear that he has a migraine. S gets these once in awhile. His symptoms are always the same. Headache and vomiting. I medicated him before leaving for the doctor and he didn't move from the couch for a few hours. He seemed to get better around noon, but the headache returned this afternoon. After another dose of meds and another nap, he seems okay now. I hope it stays that way. Being a migraine sufferer myself, I can't imagine what it's like for a 5yo to suffer through.

So, in the last 2 months I have seen the kids' doctor more times than I probably have in the last 2 years. While there I made another appointment, although this one is for M's two year visit. I hope I don't see them before than.

So...maybe my luck is coming on 12-12-12??

Getting Rough

K has been progressively getting worse.

She healed fairly well from her concussion. We decided though, that since her limp was quite significant that she would no longer run, or participate in rough activity at school. She was unhappy with this, but I couldn't risk more serious injury.

Her pain though has continued to increase in severity. We had been getting away with medicating her right before school and when she got home (along with evening and night dosing). On Thursday, while at work, I received a call from the school saying that her pain was too severe to send her to the stop where walkers are picked up, and someone needed to come into the school to get her. Luckily Q was there and able to pick her up. I called the school to set up a mid day dosing but they required a bunch a paper work including a DOCTOR SIGNATURE!? I rushed to get all the stuff done before close of day Thursday, all while working.

On Friday I get another call from the school saying K is crying and won't eat lunch. I told them she had her meds, but I guess the paperwork from the doc never got faxed. Grrrr.. Again, Q to the rescue, runs over to the school and medicates her for pain. I was also working on Friday and again through multiple phone calls, I believe I got the paperwork sorted out. I will be checking on Monday though when I drop the kids off to make sure.

Only about 2 more weeks of this and I hope we can once again put this crap behind us.