Madilyn

Maddy, my first 'child' had to be put down on Monday.

Maddy would have been 13 on Saturday. I found her at the pound when she was just a few weeks old. I brought her home and loved her more than I loved any other living thing. I had wanted a child for so long but knew I needed to get other things in place for that to happen, so in the mean time, Maddy filled that void.

She was a great dog. She was very skittish initially. She hated men and didn't like children much. She grew into a good dog though. She was very bright, well trained and I believe saw herself as more of a human than animal. She was spoiled rotten. The focus of all my xmas cards, recipient of all the best vet care, toys, collars, treats leashes etc. It got so bad that every time a package came to the house she got excited, because usually the contents were for her.

When she was young she was diagnosed with a pretty severe hip dysplagia. They said she would need hip replacements by 5 years old. She was placed on some medicines for pain and often her mobility was impacted. Within a few years she seemed to compensate and didn't need the drugs again, nor did she seem to have difficulty walking.

Then...HUGE reality check for Maddy...arrival of not one but two babies. I do feel some guilt about her loss of status; her reduction in attention and priority in my life. But, I can only do so much. She still had everything she needed...just the frills went away. Of course, this drop in status occurred again with M's arrival and some days it was a job just to remember if she had been fed or not.

About 2 months ago I left Maddy at my parents house while I travelled. She ended up staying with them. I am gone all day and at my parents home she had my mom all day, as well as their two dogs. I felt good about leaving her there because I knew she was getting more attention than I could give.

S, had a little harder time with it. He was really the only one of the three who had attached to Maddy. He claimed her as his own and liked to make her do tricks and take care of her. When my parents visited this past Sunday, they brought Maddy and S begged me to let her stay here again. I told him no and explained why. He understood, got his iPod and took her picture.

That day my parents had mentioned taking Maddy to the vet and the worsening problems she was having with pain, her hips and her teeth. They asked me what my decision would be if the vet suggested euthenasia. I told them I would be ok with it. We left it at that, and a few hours later they left.

The next morning I received a text at work saying Maddy was gone. I had no idea they were even taking her Monday. It was a little bit of a shock that it played out so quickly, but I knew it was the right decision. I allowed myself to cry for a few minutes, and then went on. I told the kids that night. S was ok. He said he was glad he took a picture of Maddy the day before. K, well in her very typical self, suggested that we now get a cat.

I think it was a very good thing that Maddy had been with my parents the last two months. I would have never been able to be present while they put her down, and I think since she had already been halfway removed from our lives, the kids weren't as upset with her death. Now, when they go to my mom's house in a few weeks and she's not there, they may get upset, but I think it would have been much worse for them if Maddy had been with us here until the end.

In the end, she really was the 'perfect' dog with her demeanor and personality. I got very lucky. For now though I have enough to focus on, so we will remain a pet-free home. Maybe when my three little monsters are older, and I need to fill that void again I can venture into pet parenthood again.

Present...

So I have kinda given you a rapid overview of the highlights of the last year, mostly about the kids...now, what have I been up to the last year...

Well starting last May I started working more hours at work which eventually turned into an official full time position in January. I like my new role - more leadership/admin - and the hours work well for me. I knew it was time to start working full time and while I would have loved to stay part time forever, I'm glad I was able to stay home most of the time until M was three.

In May I also started to read again. I used to love to read and stopped after the twins were born. In May I installed the Kindle app on my iPad and started with the wildly popular Hunger Games and went on from there. I will have to admit now that reading has now become my obsession. It seems to calm me and take away some of my day to day anxiety. This is good, but also bad because of course I should be doing things like cleaning the house. I am a very fast reader - I can finish a 200 page book in a few hours - and I have been tracking my reading on Goodreads. In the last year I have read 307 books. Don't judge me.

This past fall I started to get into a slump. I was more introverted and really didn't get excited about much of anything. It was hard to power through events for the kids and things like Halloween. While I wouldn't say I was depressed, I definitely had a low period. I started looking at friendships and relationships I had and realized that many of them had seemed broken for awhile. I'm pretty sure I had been posting about this, but my twin mom group who I had been very connected to in the past, seemed to cause more hurt for me, and I often felt like I was left out or intentionally kept out of things. I did try to talk myself out of those feelings but they came to the forefront this winter. Initially it started after none of the friends from the twin group came to the twins party. I did hear from one group, but two other friends who have been at all the other parties just didn't show. It's kind of pathetic to say, but I was literally in tears that night knowing that what I was feeling wasn't off, but hurt that they allowed that to impact our children. The final nail in the coffin was a few weeks later when I was having a hard time keeping up with all my responsibilities due to health/work/school so I emailed the entire officer group - about 9 people, 4 of whom I would have once said were good friends - to let them know everything that was going on and to tell them I had to step down. Only two people, one of whom is not included in the four mentioned above - emailed me back to acknowledge what I had said. I initially wasn't going to completely leave the group...but after that obvious statement on where I stood with them...I haven't been able to go back.

My health has also been a frustration this past year. My MS is doing fine and in fact, this February marked 5 years since diagnosis with no flares since diagnosis! This is pretty huge!! Unfortunately I have been having problems with cellulitis. Right before Christmas I developed a spot under my arm that spread very quickly. In a matter of days I was admitted to the hospital and given IV antibiotics and had to have an I&D performed. There was no explanation for it other than it just sometimes happens. I was discharged from the hospital on Christmas Eve and thank goodness my parents were able to care for the kids while I was in the hospital and for a week after I got home. Almost exactly a month later, I developed another spot, this time on my abdomen. It followed the same rapid spread and I did everything I could to stay out of the hospital. This time my parents were not available and there was no way I could be admitted. I had a shot of antibiotic in the butt and was on 4 different pills. For a week I was taking over 20 pills a day to stay out of the hospital. Had my parents been here, I would have allowed myself to be re-admitted. After about a week things started to turn and luckily got better. Since that time I have had two more spots come up. Neither have been as bad, nor required medications. I have stopped taking my MS meds because that is the only thing I can think of that might be causing this. I went off them for 2 months and did okay and as soon as I restarted them, a developed another spot. This whole thing has been very frustrating and every time a new spot surfaces it causes me a lot of anxiety not knowing if this time I will need to be hospitalized again.

And because all the above wasn't enough to keep me on my toes...I started school in April as a full time student. Crazy huh? My hospital has a huge focus on all their RN's having their BSN degree...and I don't. They decided that all RN's in higher level positions had to get their degree within a few years or be stripped of everything. So, I am begrudgingly going back to school. I am in a 100% online program and so far it hasn't been too bad, but I would, of course, rather not be doing it. My evenings and weekends are focused on classes now...which stinks. I should graduate in September of 2014 if all goes well.

Otherwise, I think I'm about the same. My weight hasn't changed any...which is bad. It's always on my 'I really need to' list which I never quite seem to do anything about. Money is tight as always. Friendships are even suckier than before, because while I've always had a hard time having close friends, the few I had are gone. Right now I am very isolated and withdrawn. I need to work on this, but I'm not sure how. And...in news probably related to the last point, I have started to feel like maybe I don't want to live my life by myself. I've always been very happy being single and have rarely had thoughts otherwise, but lately I yearn for another adult in my life. The problem is the package I'm offering isn't very appealing and anytime I think I might reach out, I am reminded of the high likelihood of failure and additional hurt.

So...here's my year in a nut shell. I will try to post again before May 2014 ;0)

To leave you, here are a few pics of the kids I took this weekend

April 2013

Sadly, I can't think of much that happened this month, nor can I find any pictures. The twins and M finished another round of swimming lessons. We suck close to home and didn't have any grand adventures. I guess...April was a pretty boring month.

March 2013

March was a pretty quiet month. The twins ended up getting sick again and were out of school a week in addition to the week they had for Spring break. Our house, which is usually pretty healthy had a very tough winter and the twins missed a lot of school. I even got a call from the school social workers wanting to know what was up. Luckily, after the pneumonia/pink eye event, they finally seemed to be healthy again.

Here is a picture from Easter Morning

February 2013

Of course the big event in February is the twins birthday! S and K turned 7 this February!!  The day of their birthday stunk :0( S had a horrible ear infection with high fever and K had an ear infection which caused her ear drum to perforate. They were both pretty miserable but perked up for a bit for a little party at home. Luckily they felt much better by the time their big party came. They had a party at a bounce house with all their friends from school.

 All the medications the twins (and M had something too) needed to take for two weeks. It was a nightmare keeping up with all of it!

On their birthday. They both look a little ill, but they're troopers!

January 2013

January was a very busy month for our household. There were many changes, most of them good for all of us.

First, I officially took a full time position at work. I had actually put in my notice because I was needing to go full time, and being a floor nurse with 12h hours shifts wasn't going to cut it. When I told my boss of my plans, a position was created for me! I am mostly in administration/leadership now helping with scheduling, compliance, quality, payroll and finance. It keeps me busy and I do occasionally function as the unit charge nurse to keep me at the bedside.

Second, my time had come to move N out of my home. This was a perfect time since I was going full time and really couldn't provide the supervision she needed. After 7 years of her being in my home I was beyond ready to have her gone. Yes...I know that sounds horrible, but until you've been in my shoes, I don't want to hear your thoughts ;0) She moved out and in with my mom. This move alone has made many things so much easier on me,

Third, because I was now full time a nanny wasn't really cost efficient anymore, so the kids moved to a daycare setting. M started full time daycare. I was really worried but it has been such a GREAT thing for him. His speech has improved, he's learning so much and his social skills are coming along great. The twins are watched by a classmates mom in the afternoon. This has worked well since she does homework with all of them when they get home...which leaves me off the hook.

The twins started some after school activities. S wanted to play basketball and K wanted to cheer. The school offered both programs and they both really enjoyed themselves.

December 2012

December always brings lots of fun and activities. Of course the biggest event in December is the Mook's birthday! I couldn't believe that my little baby turned three! He had a lot of fun and it was his first birthday where he had a pretty good idea of what was going on. He had his birthday at Chik-fil-A with several of his friends with a Spongebob theme.

Christmas was also exciting for the kids. This year instead of many smaller gifts, I went with one bigger gift for all of them. I was VERY tired of fighting for control of my iPhone and iPad so each of them received a Kindle Fire for Christmas. I would like to say that the gifts kept them from my devices, but sadly, it didn't :0(

November 2012

Time to pose for Christmas Card photos!

October 2012

HALLOWEEN!

 

I know. I usually get really into Halloween with the match super cool costumes. I couldn't get excited this year so the kids just picked their own. Around this time was kind of the start of my introversion. I had a hard time getting excited about things, I felt tired all the time and I just didn't feel like doing anything social. More on that in a later post.

September 2012

Normally we have our trip to the cabin every July, but this year it had to be postponed until Labor Day. Here are some pics of the kids enjoying themselves at Grandpa and Pop-Pop'

s cabin.

August 2012

Big exciting event for August...first day of First Grade!!

July 2012

I can't believe I missed out on the opportunity to blog about our annual visit from the P family! This annual visit gets more and more exciting each year. As the kids grow up and can really appreciate on another, it gets more enjoyable to see the interactions between them all. The girls, K & B, love to challenge on another for 'top girl status' and the boys just seem to have fun playing. Of course we went on many adventures and even caught up with another SMBC from Canada :0)

This month also marked a huge milestone....M gave up his soother!! I know, about time right!? I had decided that I wasn't going to buy any more and when his supply ran out, that would be it. During the P visit, we were at the mall and M got frustrated with me. In response he took his soother and threw it...right into a mall trash can. I told him he threw it out and we walked away...and that was the end of sue-a (M's pronunciation)
 

June 2012

June was a fairly quiet month. The twins finished kindergarten and took their first set of swimming lessons. I was working pretty close to full time hours at work, so life stayed pretty busy in that sense. S was able to get into a Dinosaur camp for a week and he had a blast.

I'm Baa-aack

Holy F'in $#!T

It's been a year since I've posted. I came to this site often to write out some thoughts or feelings, but usually I found them to be more negative then positive, so I made myself stay away. I have so much going on in my life right now...while at the same time...absolutely nothing ;0)

I think I am going to try and restart this. I know I won't blog daily...maybe I can strive for weekly. Later tonight...once all the little monsters are in bed, I will post again, maybe giving you a month to month recap of what has been happening in my crazy little life. I imagine I have lost most of my original blog followers, but maybe I'll pick up some new ones.

Welcome back to the blogger world Me. I hope I stick around.