A Wound Has Reopened...

Today when I got the mail I found a bill for a local pediatrician's office that my kids have never been to. I wondered what the heck was up and opened it, only to find that it was a bill for Zach. Yes, Zach, my first child who I had from birth to six months only to have the state totally screw me and take him to supposedly give to another adoptive couple.

Well this bill is for services rendered...12/12/2009!! So only a few months ago! My concern is that Zach was supposed to have been adopted by a couple on the coast...hours from here. Also, if he was adopted, at least his last name would be different. Why is his name the same and why all of a sudden is he back in town?

It breaks my heart because now the story that I tell myself to make me feel better...he was adopted by a good family on the coast...is most likely false. Now I worry that he was again yanked out of a good home and possibly taken back by his birth parents? I don't know but I find myself upset and worried over the child I lost almost exactly 5 years ago.

Of course I will call the doctors office tomorrow to let them know I am no longer responsible for his medical care, but I so wish I could get some info from them. You know...you think you have mostly healed about something like this and then you find out just how much I love and miss him.

Pictures Today!

Today we went for M's three month pictures. One of my favorite local photographers did his pics, and while I haven't seen them yet, I think she got some real good ones! She was so patient with him and let us break for him to nurse and even took a 20-30 minute break allowing him a little power nap. I can't wait to get the CD!!

M is also doing very well with his transition to the crib. He has gone down between 9p-10p the last few nights and slept until the early morning. He still requires a little convincing to fall asleep, last night I stroked his head until he fell asleep, but once asleep he does very well and usually sleeps 6-ish hours straight!

Tomorrow we will spend the day at my parents new house and just lay low. I have a hell of a week coming up and I need to conserve as much energy as possible!

Finally Alone

I haven't mentioned this here, but my parents had been living with me.

As you may remember my dad came the week of Thanksgiving to help me with the twins and impending birth. My mom arrived the next week and the plan was for them to stay until Christmas. Well my dad, who was laid off work in November of 2008, ended up with a job interview and offer about 30 miles from here. So while my parents looked for and purchased a home, they stayed here with me. They just moved out this past Saturday.

If you had told me 4 months ago that my parents would be coming to stay with me for 3 months I would have freaked. My mom and I tend to not get along too well when we are together for too long, but honestly, it worked out really well.

My parents helped me with the kids in the morning so that I could sleep in with Max...sometimes until 10 or 11. I also had free babysitting at night which I took advantage of several times. I was able to have naps without worrying and if I wanted to have a hot bath...I had someone to hold the baby. It actually all worked out very well. Really the only problem we had was that N hates my mom...and my mom hates N so that got fun sometimes.

Now that they are gone I have mixed feelings. It's nice to have the house to myself again. I am trying to organize and clean. I am working on getting M into his own room and crib (see post below) I need to whip the kids back into shape and get back onto a routine. Of course the lack of adults here to watch the kids while I sleep in, do needed chores or have that oh so wonderful hot bath does stink...but I guess that's the reality of having three kids as a single mom.

My 12 Week Old is a Genius!

Since M is nearing the 3 month stage I am trying to move him into his room and crib (he had been sleeping in a pack in play in my room). He is now giving me a 6 hour stretch at night and since I went back to work last week I would like those 6 hours to be a well rested as possible. The problem...he is not liking the change and he is far too crafty for 12 weeks!

Last night I would hold/rock him until he was lightly asleep and then put him down. Within a few minutes he would be crying, but not the somethings wrong cry, but the I'm pissed cry. I go back to his crib and almost immediately I am met with huge, charming smiles. I tried putting my hands on his tummy or head until he falls asleep again, but with that he will grab onto my hand or fingers with a death grip so that he knows when I pull away to leave. When I hold or rock him, he grabs onto a pendant I always wear for the same result...he know when I put him down.

I really don't want to get into the habit of getting him asleep soundly before putting him down. 2 or 3 nights ago I gave in and brought him back into my bed just so that we could sleep. He fell asleep right away...and so did I. I know this is the worst thing because this is exactly what he wants. I am not against CIO but I think he is too young yet.

I hope after a few nights of this, he starts to get used to the new routine.

Cripes...More Cavities!

Today was our routine dental visit. Yet again, K's check up is fine with no problems and S has two more cavities. Poor Kid...he has his mommy's crappy teeth.

Despite S having sealants in all his back teeth, and having two cavities filled last time we had a routine visit, he had two more this time. These cavities were in a little harder to reach spot, so while the Dentist was able to do the last two without any pain medication of any kind, this time she had to give him lidocaine. S thought his face felt really weird and enjoyed the new feeling.

Enjoy the pic of S trying to smile with his half asleep face :-)

I am asking for your thoughts...

This past weekend something bad happened. It's not something I can talk about right now but it makes me real worried about the future. Times like this make being a parent very hard and leads to nothing but second guessing, anxiety and depression.

Just keep us in your thoughts while we work through this.

ETA - No one is hurt or sick. Just an event that could have a huge impact on us.

Sigh...

It's back to work for me tomorrow. I hate it. I can't believe 12 weeks has gone by. This sucks.

Times like this I am super bitter about not having my children in Canada where I would be getting 12 months of paid maternity leave to be with my little ones.

Can you tell I'm not super happy? Is it Friday yet?