A Rocky Weekend

So...where did I leave off...

Friday night into Saturday morning, M continued to run a fever, but knowing it take about 24h for antibiotics to work, I didn't worry much. Saturday morning he woke up in such a better mood. He was playing, his mood was good and although the sores still bothered him, it didn't keep him from playing. I had a conference to go to on Saturday afternoon and I waffled a bit on whether or not to go (it was in a city about 1.5h from home). I did end up going leaving the kids with my sister and everything seemed to be okay.

Sunday morning M woke up, still acting like he felt fine, but his sores were still as bad as they had been. They weren't worse, but usually for M, once he starts on antibiotics, his sores get better within 24h. Since they weren't worse, and he was still fever free, I just continued to watch him through out the day.

By dinner time Sunday, the sore on his leg started to become worrisome. It was bigger, and redder. I tried to express it, but nothing would come out. The entire leg, from the knee down, was hard and swollen. I started to worry about circulation and it was evident that it was bugging M more than it had been. When I changed his diaper a bit later, I noticed two new spots. It was pretty clear at that point that the antibiotics were not working. By 8p I was more worried about the leg, and ended up taking him to the ER.

At the hospital the doctor quickly looked at it and knew it needed to be expressed. I told him I couldn't make it drain. At that time, this big, male doctor, took his fingers and squeezed the every living $#!# out of this sore. Of course he got it to drain. He also drain two other sites all while M was writhing in pain. I hated to see M go through that but I knew in the end he would feel better. We were then started on new meds and headed home. We actually made excellent time being back home by 11p.

This morning the pediatrician called to check on M. I told him of our ER adventure and he was happy we went as he had received the culture report from Friday. It showed that the drug M was on, was useless against the germs he had. The meds that the ER had prescribed were the correct meds and we should see some progress soon. This is concerning because when M had his first outbreak in October, the first antibiotic was enough to treat him. This means that since his first outbreak, this germ has already mutated to a more virulent form. If M continues to suffer with these outbreaks, the likelihood is that the germs will get stronger and stronger and become more and more difficult to treat. Very scary.

Tonight M is doing better. Almost 24h into his new meds and he looks and feels better. Almost all the small sores are fading and while the big ones haven't changed much, they aren't as red and definitely haven't grown.

And, while I am happy my son has access to good health care and that he is getting better, I am again reminded how horrible the state of this health care system is. In the last four days I have paid the following:

• $20 Co-Pay
• $206 in medications
• $150 Emergency Room Co-Pay
• And I expect additional bills of $400 as M's insurance does not start until I pay $400 out of pocket - not including my co-pays.

So, WITH insurance, and infection that has afflicted my son has cost me $776. Again WITH insurance. How sad is it that I will have to make choices on what will and will not get paid because I had to get health care for my son. Thank goodness I have a refund coming soon. I just cannot accept a society where a mother has to struggle to have minimal, basic care provided for her child. You would think that having insurance would protect me from this hardship...but no. And, as a side note, I still have over $3000 in health care bills from K's surgery in November.

I HATE GERMS

You know who this little guy is. He is a 'Super Bug'...his name is MRSA. This guy has taken over my house. We have had periodic visits from him in the past. Both K and S have had episodes where they have formed small skin abscessed that require lancing at the docs office and a round of meds. These have been few and far between though. M on the other hand, hasn't been so lucky.

It started in October. He developed an abscess in his diaper area around his hip. I tried to manage it at home without luck. He ended up at the doc's office with a draining and antibiotics. It cleared up nicely but a few weeks later, in November we had a recurrence. This time instead of just one abscess, he developed multiple 'pimples' all over his diaper area. Probably 15 - 20 if these little boils. One of these boils, actually located behind his knee abscessed requiring another doc visit and another round of antibiotics.

We had been doing real well until this past Monday. Monday morning he was fine. Monday at noon he was fine. Monday at 4pm he was covered. I took off his diaper only to find about 20 new little boils all red and pus filled. I have no idea how they all developed that quickly. I tried to manage it at home at first. I still had the topical ointment from the last time, and I am a nurse with some basic understanding of how to heal these suckers. I actually did quite well until Thursday morning. By then most of the little ones had started to dry up, but inevitably, he developed an abscess to his buttocks. Thursday night I was able to drain it at home, but by Friday morning (4am) he spiked a fever to about 102 and became miserable. At that time another abscess was found around his ankle.

So this morning another doc visit and another round of antibiotics. Unfortunately these abscesses are a little deeper than the others and we need to reassess them tomorrow. If by noon, the swelling and redness hasn't lessened, or he continues with fevers, we will be off to the hospital for a surgical draining. I am confident this won't be the case. After a nice warm bath his buttocks drained again and I got a lot out. I am waiting for him to calm down, and I will try to drain the ankle one. His fevers have been down and no new spots have appeared. I am keeping my fingers crossed on this one.

I am trying really hard to clear this house of our little visitor. I purchased surgical soap which we will all use the next week or so. I also asked the doctor to prescribe all of us nasal swabs that contain an antibiotic. You see this little guy likes to hang out in the noses of its carriers. I am certain there are a few of us in this house that have been hosting this guy in our noses. Hopefully between M's medicine, surgical baths and nasal therapy we will clear this crap from our house.

**Posting pictures now**

This is about one third of one of M's cheeks. These have all opened and are actually getting better. Can you image how much pain you'd be in if your bottom was covered with these, in addition to one large on that was below your muscle layer? This is why M has been lying on his stomach for the last 24 hours.
This is the one above his ankle. Due to this one, M can't wear pants or socks or even walk all that comfortably.

Well That Stinks!

I just completed and submitted my tax return for last year. The last two years I have received roughly the same refund, so I made a rough plan of my debt payoffs with this amount in mind. Unfortunately, when all was done, I was looking at over $1000 less!

It seems as though in the last year I made a bit more money. This was a surprise to me as I didn't notice any extra money in my monthly budget, but it had to have been there. My exemptions and deductions were the same, but this little bump in income, took me to the next tax bracket - I guess - which resulted in the decreased refund.

BOOOOO

Okay, I will get over my self pity and move on. I am getting money back and that's more than a lot can say. Now onto paying off some debt and making a budget plan for the year that allows me to keep paying of debt!!

And It's Done as Quickly as it Started

Yep, J and Jo are no longer. I have to admit, I'm a little sad. J has really matured and made some good decisions since being with Jo. I, of course am worried that she will revert to the person she once was, but right now, I am trying to hold out hope that the change is a permanent one.

What happened you ask...who knows. While I liked the relationship, I really didn't know Jo all that well. I only met him once and everything else I knew was from what J shared. A few times I had a little red flag go up in my mind, but I thought is was more from my prejudices, than an actual issue. You see, Jo was extremely religious. And not that that in itself is bad, but it seemed like all interactions, conversations and decisions had to revolve around religion. It seemed at times like an obsession.

There were also inconsistancies. Jo would say 'this' was important only after doing something in direct conflict to it. He was often 'preachy' and critical of others who did not follow a similar path. Now again, none of these behaviors were 'bad' or problematic, just things that made me think.

The last week Jo was at a revival. Each night he called J to share his renewed faith and lessons he learned each day. He was very excited and energetic with his message. As the week went on my sister said he acted more and more 'weird'. Today's call came with the message that he needed to life his life for God. There was no longer room for anyone else. He was giving of his entire self to life his life as he thought God saw fit. J said he was so odd that she is actually worried that he might even leave football. From what she was saying it sounded like he had been
'brainwashed'

I know that statement is probably offensive to some, and while I don't want to offend people, that is truly what I think. Him and J had a good thing, but his thinking seems obsessive, manic, disorganized. I tend to think that in a few days/weeks he will come back to J and claim to have made a mistake. I don't know. Maybe not. J is upset, but she actually seems more concerned for him than angry. She was falling for him, so if he did come back, I'm not sure if she would risk this again, or walk away for good.

And, you might ask, what is my mother's thoughts on all this. Well she left for Mexico for three weeks this past weekend. She doesn't know. That's probably a good thing. Honestly, based on her erratic behavior, I have no idea what her reaction will be.

So...it's a shame it had to end. Keep your fingers crossed for me that J has really grown and learned the good lessons he did instill in her. He held her to a much higher standard that other boyfriends have and I think her self-esteem did benefit from it. I hope she matured enough to see this growth for herself and hold onto it.

And....My Mom

So, since J has started dating Jo, my mother has been acting bazaar. She is obsessed with the relationship and is constantly trying to place herself into it. It's weird. It's strange. I don't know what is going on.

First, since day one my mom has been asking when he will start to support J. Before they were even officially dating, J needed a car and was staying here because she has no home. My mom constantly pushed J to ask Jo to buy her a car and rent her an apartment near him. J continued to push against this, which seemed to anger my mother. When they became 'official' my mom asked when J would be moving in with him. When J pushed back with this, my mom would go on these long diatribes about how a man supports his woman, she if this relationship was serious they would move in together. Mom kept saying how a long distance relationship would never work and continued to harp on moving in together or him renting her a place near by. For reference shake, they do live in separate towns. J usually stays here and Jo lives in a city about 1h15m from here.

If this wasn't bad enough, my mom wants an egagement by February. Yep, I said February. I have no idea why this is so important, or really why it's any of her business, but it's an obsession of hers. With EVERY conversation she and my sister has my mom brings this back up. 'When are you getting married?'...'When are you moving there?' 'Do you have a ring yet?'. It's ridiculous. She is 21 years old and has her whole life ahead of her. If you were her mother would you want her rushing into marriage? Did I mention they only met in October??

If the questions and harassment aren't enough, my mom has become very manipulative. She will cry when talking to J saying she is being left out of the relationship. Why doesn't J bring Jo around more. If your mother was saying the things she was, would you want to bring the boyfriend around? J (and I) are pretty worried about what my mom would say to him as she isn't shy to share her feelings. If J doesn't share personal information about their relationship, or share details about Jo's life - life income, lifestyle etc - she gets mad and will scream and tell J she's a liar or crazy. My mom has even gone as far as to say she needs to get engaged and married now before my grandparents die (they're old, but nothing is wrong with them) because to deny them of seeing that would be selfish. O.M.G.

My mom spends a lot of time researching him online. She knows weird details about him like childhood stuff, even found a picture of him as a child and now has it on display in the house. Her FB feed is covered with stuff about Jo. Most posts reference him, the games, or if J sends her any texts or pictures of them, it get put right up on her wall.

Also, during fights with J, it she has made some statements about my choice of not getting married which are kind of hurtful. Like somehow unless you get married you can't possibly be normal, and not doing so is a selfish choice. Everything my mother says though, comes back to her. We are denying her of a daughter being married. J is denying her access to the relationship. In addition if I ever try to tell her how crazy she sounds she attacks me saying I don't know anything about relationships. Well, I think that's crap, but even if true, her relationship track record...how is that better than mine?

So, this behaviour is driving me nuts for several reasons. I have to hear J freak out over it every night. I have to hear it sometimes. J is actually in the only relationship I have ever though an ounce of positivity about and I am afraid that my mom is going to screw it up. I also worry about my mom. This isn't normal, so why is she acting like this. I know she has been more depressed lately - always that way in the winter. She is also not working right now so she has a lot of time on her hands. I also think there is some weird jealousy thing going on with her sisters. She flat out denies it, but I think it plays a part.

My mom and two of her sisters had baby girls all around the same time, so there are 3 cousins that are all within a year of eachother. Last year one, K announced an engagement. She is engaged to a very wealthy boy. Well, his family is wealthy, not sure about the boy. In fact, they aren't even married yet and the family has bought them a large home as a wedding present. K's mom is the Aunt of mine who is very superficial and materialistic, so I'm sure she couldn't be happier. My mom and her were speaking until a few months ago, so my thoughts are that she said something hurtful to my mom, probably related to K's engagement, and that has set off my mom. The other girl, T, has gotten into a significant relationship and has moved in with her boyfriend. Both of these events took place a few months before J started dating Jo. My belief is my mom is completely jealous, and has a intense need to one up her sisters (at least K's mom) to prove something. Unfortunately J get to be the victim of that insanity.

So if you read through all that - wow - and now I'm sure you think my family is crazier than ever. I hope we can find a way to break through to my mom soon. I really think if this doesn't stop one of two things will happen. (1) J will cave to all the stress/pressure and the best relationship, and potentially a great future husband, will all come crashing down. Or (2) J will become tired of all the bullshit and she will cut off ties with my mom. Neither one is good.

And as crazy as I thought she was acting as I type this up I realize that she is so much worse than I have been thinking. It sounds like my mom is a loon.

A J Update

Any of my long time blog followers know I have a younger sister, J. She has lived with me off and on in the past. We've had some major blow ups and issues do to her immaturity, sense of entitlement and other personality problems. She has really tried to avoid growing up and taking responsibilty for herself. Her goal has really been to find a husband to take care of her.

She has been through her share of interesting men. A few years ago she met a pro athlete in a large town's nightclub. Since getting an 'in' she has dated several pro athletes. A basketball player from Texas; a football player from Minnesota; another football player from Pittsburgh; and now another football player (see a trend) from our state. This guy is actually the second guy from our state's team that she has dated. Yes, she seems like, and probably is, a groupie of some sort. Some of these guys were total assholes and most of these relationships were dysfunctional or very superficial.

Well, let's all hold our breath, because the current guy seems pretty good. They have been seeing each other since October and for the first time, someone is holding her accountable. He is encouraging her to get work, she had removed several of her piercings, removed all her revealing photos from FB and has even talked about getting some of those tattoos removed. She seems to want to be a better person with him, and he seems to want her to be a better person.

He could easily move her in with him and support him - his last signed contract was for 22million+ - but he doesn't. He says that unless they are engaged or married they can't live together. Instead of getting her a place to stay, he is trying to find her a job in the city in which he plays. He doesn't want some trophy, but rather a partner that is her own person, and so far I like that.

So, since October, J has kind of been living here too. She stays here a few days and then runs to Jo for a few days. She has been more mature and helpful this time. I've made it clear to her that I will not tolerate drama or childish behavior and so far so good. I think this is the longest we've gotten along, never mind her actually staying here. It's not been prefect of course, but I see a lot of growth and maturity in her that wasn't there before.

I hope this continues. Even in the relationship fails, I hope my sister gains enough maturity and self esteem so that she doesn't return to the childish games, the half naked photos and the jumping from guy to guy. For the first time in a long time I see some promise and potential in her.

And...just to leave you hanging...my next post will be about the BAZAAR behavior my mother has been exhibiting since J started dating Jo. At this point, I swear, if it doesn't quit, she will be the reason for the relationship failure.

Weather

I'm sure I've blogged about how crazy the weather here is. This year has been the craziest yet. Our temperatures have been 20 degrees above average. In time where we usually see some snow, we have been outside in our t-shirts. Sure, I technically live in the 'south' but we do have a winter. Our winters consist of 8-12 weeks of near freezing temperatures and several snow falls.

This year has been different. Our average temperature has been 70 degrees. We have yet to see a flake of snow. And today, while visiting my parents, the kids and my mom all hung out in the hot tub for an hour or so. Yes, the hot tub is heated, which definitely makes a difference...but still. Outside in the hot tub on January 8th?

Just for fun comparison pics...

January 2011
January 2012

A Little Late...

But I wanted to share M's two year old stats. His visit was back in December but better late than never ;0)

Height - 35 inches 50-75 percentile
Weight - 24 pounds 5-10th percentile

Still my tall-ish, skinny baby boy!

Patients are out of F'in Control

Not in a time too long ago when people were sick they went to the doctor. Sometimes they would be sent to be treated in a hospital. While in the hospital, the medical team would treat that patients with proven methods, administer effective medicine and the patient would actively participate in their care with the intent on getting out of the hospital as soon as possible.

In today's world this is no longer. The medical team no longer seem to have any say in the plan. The patient has taken over control.

Today the patient comes to the hospital. Tell us what they 'know' is wrong with them and demand their choice of treatment, the drugs (amount & schedule) they want, tests they want run and all while being treated exactly the way in which they want to be treatment. And you know what...I am damn sick of it.

In nursing school we learned what things made people better. Get up out of bed, maintain a good airway by performing several breathing exercises an hour, limit the amount of any drug, but especially narcotics as their side effects usually hinder recovery. To prevent complications, some things that may not necessarily be pleasant, like a daily shot, might be necessary. You may need to force yourself out of bed the day after surgery even though it hurts. Follow a specific diet, because while it may not be want you want, it won't contain things that will make your disease worse. I went into nursing to help people. I will say, that I probably do help 75% of my patients. Patients who work with their medical team, participate in their care and seem to have a true interest in their health. The other 25% are slowly draining any desire I have to go to work. They are sucking every ounce of compassion that I have.

These other half seem to know everything. They come in with their plan and if you deviate from it, they cause holy hell. They can't be told differently. They demand narcotics around the clock because they hurt, yet you can barely wake them between doses. They refuse to walk in the halls because they hurt, but then claim we are doing something wrong because they are nauseous, their wounds aren't healing and pneumonia is starting to set in. They refuse their shots or compression stockings because they're uncomfortable but are the first to scream 'law suit' when they develop a blood clot in their legs.

These 25% of patients are whats ruining the state of health care in this country. They have cause doctors to lose their spines. We now practice was is called 'cover your ass' health care. Sprain your wrist...let's order an xray. Have the flu, lets run a CT just in case. Headache? Well lets get an MRI and maybe even a lumbar puncture. Doctors are now afraid of their patients. They are afraid of what patients will do if they miss something. So now everyone with simple complaint gets the full workup just in case they are the 0.001% that has something major.

As a result, what was a simple doctors visit is now costing us and our insurance companies thousands of dollars. And then we wonder why premiums are going up, people are becoming un-insurable, and there is so much health care corruption. If doctors could go back to being doctors, tell the patient what is wrong with them, order the STANDARD treatment, and not give in to unproven, or even sometime ludicrous requests, just because it's what the patient wants I think health care might actually have a chance.

I am all for patient rights. I think all patients should ask questions, be informed of what is going on and make choices on who their provider is, as well as the type of treatment they want - traditional, holistic, herbal etc. But when the patient starts to have more rights than the people treating them and as a result is actually receiving care we know is harmful to them, there is obviously something broken.

One Goal

One of my goals this year is for M to transition to sleeping without me. We have pretty much co-slept since day one and for the most part it worked wonderfully. Breastfeeding and a bedtime ritual was so much easier with him next to me but now that M is weaned - he stopped nursing around 22 months - I long for the days where not only do I get to sleep by myself, but nights were I have a few hours without a child clung to my body.

You see, M does not only like to sleep by my during the night, but it is virtually impossible for him to go down for the night unless my body is right next to his. This has caused a few problems.

One, I don't go to bed until around midnight. This means that this little ball of energy is also usually up until midnight. He stays strong, rarely falling asleep before I hit the sack. He can even be sitting in a dark room watching TV and stay awake just fine until I get there. Now, there is the huge payoff. He will sleep until 11-12 the next day. So, he gets his required 12h of sleep, just not when normal people do.

Two, because he is up when I am up, I don't get a break. I loved when the twins were little. I put them to bed at 7:30-8p and I had 2 or 3 hours of me time. No one to bug me. I could watch tv, play on the computer or post to my blog (M being awake all the time has also probably effected my posting numbers). I haven't had me time in a long time.

In an effort to get M on a better schedule I have put him down to bed at the same time as the twins - 8p, last night and tonight. Because I am trying to get the boys in the same room, and have been for a few months, I actually sleep in the same room as the kids. Now, I will also include at this time that K also sleeps in this room. This fall I redecorated the nursery into a beautiful new room for a little girl. It turned out great...but the child won't sleep in it. She wants to be with everyone else. So that makes three bedrooms upstairs with everyone sleeping in one room. Crazy huh?

Okay, back to M. So last night and tonight he has gone down at 8-ish. To my surprise he has gone to sleep right away. No fighting it. It has been great. Although...very deceptive. You see, M has now decided that his nap time is now from 8p to 11p. This means that now I have an even more active toddler up at midnight and still next to me for the remainder of the night.

I will keep trying. I know he will eventually get it. I probably need to control the time he wakes up a bit more too. For that I need to get into gear...because sadly after getting us all up and the twins to school, both M and I like to sleep until 11 or 12p. I know...horrible.

In the end, I guess this sleep training is for both of us. If I want to continue my mornings in bed than I guess I need to accept a night owl for a child.

Right now, I am off to do some work online. M...well he's now up after his refreshing nap and enjoying some great cartoons.

A New Year

So it's a new year. I could do this long, detailed post about how much I am going to change; all the great things I will accomplish; how I will emerge as a better, happier person by the end of 2012. But let's face it. It would all be bullshit. It would all likely fall apart within a few weeks...maybe even days. I do have several things I need to work on this year. They are similar goals from the past, but I hope to do better with them this time. Not because it's a new year, or because I am doing some grand makeover of myself, but because I am tired of some aspects of my life, and the only one who can change that is me.

As far as this blog goes, I will say this. I hope to be here more. I hope to post more. When I started this blog, I posted nearly every day. I shared thoughts, ideas, pictures, successes and failures. As time past, I started to wonder....does anyone care that I brought the children to the museum today?...does anyone care that I want to do 'xyx'?...are people tired that I am once again bitching about something, complaining about someone, or venting my world beliefs about some random subject?

Well...here's the thing. The answer to all the above may be 'no', but when I made this blog, it was to be a safe place for me to share. Whether that has a happy, sad, pissed off, angry, judgmental or any other type post this was where I was going to share it with the world. I have realized in the last few days that I miss this place. I don't have a spouse, boyfriend or other adult constant in my life that I can vent to. I don't have a partner to smile and laugh at all the crazy things my kids do. So here I am. Here is where I will come when I need to 'talk'. It doesn't matter who is out there to listen or care, but this is the place for me to get it all out, let go, release it from me so that I don't keep it quiet anymore.

That is all for tonight. I hope to be back tomorrow :0)