So How's This for a Guilt Trip

My parents have a home in the mountains. I have only been like twice since they built it 6 years ago. I just don't like the mountains plus the 5+ hour drive. I also think the twins are still a bit young to have a good time at the mountains without driving me crazy. My mom is constantly inviting us and I always tell her that it's not my thing. They are there now and here is the email I got.

It's beautiful here. We walked to the lake this morning and took the pedal boat out. The dogs follow us along the shore while we pedal the boat. Too bad you don't enjoy the cabin and the outdoors. I always have, even when I was young. I always loved being at Pam's cottage. I guess you don't have those genes. I always dreamed of the kids and grandkids visiting us here and enjoying themselves but I guess it's just a dream.

Oh brother.

Sometimes MS sucks

Lately I have felt like I'm in a funk. Not depressed, just foggy and disorganized mentally. I also found today that I am feeling really tired again. To top it all off the numbness and tingling in my hand is worse. It really ticks me off because (1) it just sucks to have a limb that is numb but more importantly (2) I worry about what this means on my future plans of TTC. I have an appointment with my neurologist in September so I can discuss it with him then. If the symptoms continue to get worse, I'll call and make an appointment sooner. Times like this, it is difficult to give myself a shot every night - which stings like HELL - when it doesn't seem to be making a difference.

Thoughts for today...

Why do I get so insanely jealous when I hear of others TTC? I was supposed to start TTC myself in May and now any time I hear of people who are TTC or even pregnant I get jealous. I just found out tonight that a friend is doing IVF for the second time. She failed her first attempt and she deserves this more then anything, but all I can think is I want it to be me. Not feelings to be proud of.

Today was difficult because I was sucked into some majorly immature drama on a mommies board that I am very active on. A certain member has decided that I am on her shit list and she seems to be going out of her way to cause problems. I don't get it as I have had no negative interactions with her. She has a history of these huge dramatic fights with people and I guess I am her latest victim. I refuse though to be pulled down with her, so I guess she picked the wrong person. Why is it that whenever you get a large group of women together we have to get catty and back-stabbing?

Is it really all worth it?

I have always wanted to be one of those moms who open the world to her children. As a result I feel like everyday we are non-stop because we have so many play dates, activities and special outings to attend. We all have fun and I have a million pictures to remember all these things, but in the end, will my kids be better off for it? Most days I think absolutely YES! They get to see and experience so much, heck I get to see and experience so much :-) Really the only thing I think about is they are so young, they won't remember any of this when they're older. I guess I need to make sure that I don't tire out any time soon and I'm able to keep up this sort of schedule well into their childhood. Added to all the above activities the twins are in a structured sport as well.

K&S started gymnastics this month. K is so interested and does so well. She loves to try the different skills and seems really in tune to her teacher. She follows the circuits and really seems to have a natural ability for this. S on the other hand just wants to play. He doesn't want to follow the structure of the class and gets upset when he is told to move to something else. Honestly I think if we just let him jump on the trampoline the whole time, he would be fine. I stuggled initially with keeping the twins in the class since S seemed to do so poorly, but in the end figured I couldn't sacrifice K's natural ability because of S's immaturity and signed them up for the month. I do see S making improvement every week so I think I made the right decision. When the twins are a little older I will let S choose another sport thats right for him.

Tonight we went to the YMCA and swam in a big pool. This was the twins first time and they loved it!! This of course has made the idea of swimming lessons creep into my head. I picked up an application form and will think about it. Part of me says this will be so good for them, but another part of me says NOT ANOTHER THING!!

Ah, the things we do for our kids :)

Background on me :)

So I always hate it when people start blogs and then include a little story on how they got to the point of starting a blog. I have many friends who blog and thought it would be a great place to write about my thoughts and feelings in this crazy thing I call life.

I will start my blog by giving a brief history of the last few years. Kind of a quick glimse into my past and maybe some insight into how I got here.

In my early 20's I decided it was time to start my family. I had a job, a house and financial security. Since I was a teen I never saw myself as married and always had the plan that I would use a sperm donor to create my family. When I first tried to start my family I went the adoption route. After jumping through all the hoops I took my son, Z, home from the hospital at 2 days old. He was the love of my life! I felt for the first time a sense of happiness and belonging. Sadly one week before his termination was set (6 months) his bio family changed their mind and actually signed him over to another couple. My heart was torn in two and I never thought I would go on.

I decided shortly after I had to be a mom and adoption was not for me, so I turned to TTC using my first plan, donor sperm. I inseminated myself at home. No docs, no meds, just me in my own bed, monitoring my cycles with OPK's. On my third attempt - after horrible timing - I got pregnant. I was shocked to realize 11 weeks later there were two!! After a horrible pregnancy with hyperemesis gravidum I delivered my son and daughter at 36 weeks. They both were completely healthy and came home with me two days later.

My life has been a wonderful blur since. There is nothing that makes me happier then my life with them. Initially after the pregnancy I experienced I decided they would be my only two. Well when they were 10 months I was able to buy ten more vials of their donor. Thats when my plan for #3 hatched.

I decided I wanted them three years apart, so I planned on TTC again in May 2008. I had everything planned and started charting the September before. Then in January I woke up with numbness in my arm and hand. Many weeks and tests later it was discovered that I have Multiple Sclerosis. It was a devastating diagnosis and derailed my TTC plans.

I need to now wait to determine what type of MS I have, and how well I respond to the meds. My neuro wants me to wait until January 2010, but I have agreed to wait until January 2009. If everything is status quo, I believe I will start TTC my third child at that time.

Of course I am nervous considering I will be the sole provider and caretaker for my children and now with a diagnosis like MS that puts some question to my abilities. I have done tons of research and it appears that while though I may be setting myself up for some unique challenges, it does not seem like this needs to put my dreams to an end.

So basically this will be my blog. My crazy life with K&S, working, dealing with my MS and my continued want and concern for my next journey - TTC baby number three :)