Christmas Morning!

Another Christmas is gone. Another great day with the kids. These holidays in the past were nice, but I really never enjoyed them until I had children in my life.
This year I was lucky enough to be off work. I was on-call which meant I could be called and I would have to deal with any issues that might come up, but at least I knoew I could be at home with the kiddos. My parents and sister came making a real family morning.

The kids enjoyed all their gifts. M was a real pro after just having his birthday. He didn't want to wake up at first...and in the end it was still M in my lap with every present opened, but his. He finally woke up enough to realize that there was a little mountain of unopened presents just for him...and we went to town.
After our Texas trip, I knew I wanted to get the family an iPad for Christmas. The twins LOVED it and I liked playing with it too. The plan was solidified a few weeks ago when I upgraded my phone to the iPhone and found how easy it was and how much fun it could be. Right up until a few days before the iPad purchase was for sure...well...then I started thinking. Since I got the iPhone, all three kids fought for it all the time. When I walked in the front door from work, the first thing they asked for was my phone. There was lots of fighting and lots of removing the phone completely from use. I began to see my future and thats when the plan changed. For Christmas, the twins each received an iPod Touch. It kind of stunk because that meant I wouldn't get to play with the iPad, but it illeviated the sharing issue. The only remaining problem, was that M felt very left out not having one of his own, and now my phone is always in his hands. And I must give Best Buy an special thank you for their sales which allow me to buy now...and pay later with a tax return without any addition fees :)

P*A*R*T*Y

Tonight was M's second birthday party. We had a great time. I was worried that people wouldn't come being so close to the holiday's but we had 17 kids there! I think everyone had a great time.
We did the Bubble Guppies theme, which is M's favorite TV show. I had someone make the cake decorations and we just color coordinated the plates and such because there is no 'commercial' items available...yet, I'm sure.
We even had an NFL player come to the party. Right now J is dating him and he came to play with the kids. The funniest part of that was the other parents reactions. Many of them were fans and made googly eyes at him, but no one would talk to him! It was too funny to see some grown men act that way.

A Baby is Two

How did that happen? I really feel like I just gave birth to him. I don't understand it, but I guess I need to accept it.

M is a toddler in every sense. He is high energy, risk taking, stubborn, feisty, independent and in charge of everything. He is more work than the twins were at that age. He is also funny, loving, empathetic and charming. He makes me laugh every day and can charm himself out of any situation. His speech is coming along very well. He was reevaluated a few weeks ago and he is actually on the low end of normal now.

We had his family birthday on his actual birthday - his party will be a few days later - but it was coincidentally on the same day as our twin club holiday party, which explains why they are still wearing those PJ's ;)

December Stuff

December around here is always busy. Of course Christmas always sends things into a tizzy, but now with the addition of a birthday party to plan, it's hard for my mind to settle down with one thought. I have found that in the last two years I have a hard time dealing with Christmas until M's birthday stuff is done. I need to get over that as once M's birthday is done, I only have a little over 2 weeks until Christmas.

Our first Christmas event was with the twin group. We had a great family holiday party. I was busy with kids, crafts, food and santa so I didn't need to worry about any weird or disconnected feelings I usually have with this group. The kids had a good time and even got to sit on Santa's lap. I don't have those pictures yet, as M fought Santa hard, so I had to help hold him down while a friend snapped a few shots. I look forward to seeing them.
The kids debuted their Christmas PJ's - and yes, my children are the only ones in PJ's but there is just something about a Santa picture with PJ's.
And just including this picture because, although blurry, shows K's beautiful blue eyes :)

I Found My Parenting Achilles Heel

Reading...or I should say, learning to read. It stresses me out. I don't know how to deal with it. It sounds stupid to say that, but seriously, I can't do it.

I hate that I respond the way I do. I try to go into it differently. I try to remind myself of how hard this is, but in the end, often the twins and I are left in tears.

I think part of it is I never had to 'learn' to read. By three I was reading books and I was never taught. My moms said it was like I just figured it out on my own. And so when we go over reading words over and over and then 10 minutes later they have forgotten everything we did, I stress.

I need to figure out how to deal though. I do not want my kids to stress about reading or dread it because of how it all goes down. Tonight I had my sister do the reading with them and it went much better. I may need to look into paying someone else to do it though, when my sister isn't here. That will be another great financial stress...sigh.

So, I feel horrible. I feel like I am failing my kids. I need to get a handle on this though...or sacrifice some bill to pay for the private tutor.

Time for Pictures

Today was our yearly Christmas Photos. This is a very stressful time for me. It always is. I worry so much about outfits, picture quality and children cooperation. I really don't know why I put myself through so much. I either need to stop getting professional pictures and just take some candids, or I need to learn to let go and realize that they will turn out the way they will turn out.

Picture I took on the way out the door :) I love the way S is sitting.

I tried a new photographer who I wasn't really impressed with. I have seen some of her work which was really good, but in retrospect it was always with one child. Not three. She seemed to be lost with three subjects and didn't seem to know what to do with M's energy. I still haven't seen them, so I hope I have a few good ones in the batch.

Because I wasn't overly confident in her getting a good shot, I took some when we got home too. They started okay, but by the end we were all stressed out and done. Thank god these are done for another year.

Yep M, that's how we all feel

Sorry for the Delay....

K did really well.

We didn't need to be at the hospital until 9:30a so I knew we would be later in the day. It seemed to take forever for them to call us back, and by the time they did, K was in tears because her leg hurt and she was hungry. It wasn't too long after we were in the back room that they gave her the 'happy medicine' and things settled down a little.

She was funny on the drugs. She always gets pretty loopy on the Versed. I was able to carry her to the back room and ay her on the table. I kissed her goodbye and went to the waiting room. She was in surgery for about 2 hours and then taken to her room. One thing I was not as happy with was her time in recovery. Last time they let me stay with her as she was waking up. I promised her the same this time, but they didn't let me back. The first time I saw her was when I met her in the hall, wheeling to her room.

Initially, like the last time, she wasn't very happy with how she felt. The IV in her hand and the weird sensation in her leg made her very unhappy. She ate an entire 6" sub as her surgery reward, a cup of ice cream and an entire bottle of soda. She really was hungry!

Just back from surgery and not very happy.
Feeling better after a meal. The bandage is her dressing. They were able to once again just make a small drill hole to access the tumor.
Able to go home!

We were discharged later that night. It took forever for them to process everything that needed processing, but I think we were home about 9pm. K woke up that night for pain meds about 3am which would have been about when the pain meds wore off.

She stayed home from school on Thursday and it was apparent very quickly that she was better...and bored. She took pain meds twice through the day and didn't know what to do with herself. By the end of the day she was begging to go back to school on Friday. By Friday morning I was convinced that she was fine and she did go to school. I think some thought I was crazy, but the kid was begging to go and there really wasn't a reason for her to stay home.

She did well at school the next day. By the end of the weekend she wasn't even needing medication anymore. Thank goodness for quick recoveries.

Just please...let this be it!!

Tomorrow is the Day!

Everyone who reads and/or follows this blog, please keep K in your thoughts. Tomorrow she will undergo her second RFA procedure to remove the tumor in her Right Tibia. We are hoping for a quick, complication free procedure. We are hoping for a similar recovery to last time, in which she was pain free within 48 hours. And we are hoping for a complete cure this time without recurrence.

Tonight K is anxious, but at the same time looking forward to the surgery. She understands that this is what will take away her pain. So while she is dreading, and will cry if you mention, the IV, she is excited to see her 'spot' gone and her post procedure reward - Subway.

Smothered

Okay, so this is going to be a totally crazy post given what I just posted about yesterday, but I need to vent...and if you have suggestions...please give them.

I have a friend who I used to work with. She is 65 years old and has always been very sweet to me and the kids. For the last 4 years she has even come over every Sunday and picked N up to take her to church and lunch. This gives me such a nice break once a week.

She is very well meaning, but I always feel like she is smothering me. At 65, she obviously isn't 'best friend' material. She is more like an adoptive grandma to the kids. The reason she drives me nuts - she wants to help, impose, involve herself in so many things.

Tomorrow is K's surgery. My mom will be here with the boys. While I am at the hospital I will be working while K is in surgery and then hanging out with her when she's in her room. I have no problem with being there by myself. I was there by myself last time. But G has said she is coming to spend the day with me. From 8:30a to probably 7 or 8 pm she will be there, and honestly, this stresses me out more than the surgery itself.

I will be busy. I have to work - make phone calls, write notes - and I don't want to feel like I need to be entertaining her. She is very touchy-feely and I am not. It makes me very uncomfortable. So then when K returns to her room I will also have to deal with a third person there. I just want to focus on my work and then my daughter. I have hinted to her several times that I don't need her there; that it will be boring; such a long day and drive, but she hasn't relented. She is going to be there, and I have no way to stop it without hurting her feelings.

This isn't the first time she has done this. After the twins were born she was right in my room. Sitting by me, even tried to help me breastfeed!! Um...no. When I was pregnant with M she kept telling me to call when I went into labor because she would come. I didn't even want my own mother in the delivery room...why would I want her? I called her, after M was born and she acted hurt because I didn't call sooner. She also frequently tried to push her religious beliefs on me and the kids, which is also a big no-no for me.

So, yes, this post is a direct contrast to yesterday's. But I don't want a friend who invades my space, pushes themselves on me and tries to get involved in things that I want to keep within my family. I have tolerated it, because like I said, it's all well meaning and she is doing it out of concern, but at some point she should realize that I don't want it. I do want her friendship and a relationship with her, just not the one she is pushing.

Be there for me. Call to check on me. If I need you...I'll let you know.

Disconneted

You know, the more I am around those who I have considered friends, the more I feel disconnected. At this point in my life, I have no continued contact with anyone from my past. I have not made any real connections as an adult. I know that I can't blame others. I am the common denominator here and therefor that would indicate that the problem has to be more me than them. And, I do agree with that statement to a point.

I am a person who doesn't open up easily. I fiercely protect myself. I have been abandoned by my biological father; my first stepfather physically and emotionally abused me; I have chosen a life on my own to avoid the potential hurt and devastation that a relationship could bring. Growing up, these insecurities would cause a lot of pain. I seemed to try to create friendships with those who would turn their back on me. No true support or alliances. I tried to be friends with many who used me, made fun behind my back or who were different people than they led me to believe. There is not a single one of my 'best friends' who I grew up with who I still have meaningful contact with. Shit..I can barely get them to return an email or facebook post.

As I grew, I created defense mechanisms. When I felt like the relationship was in jeopardy, when I felt hurt or betrayal, or if I felt like I was going to get hurt, I would pull back. I would turn inwards and pull away. Despite my hard outside, I am quite fragile and I can't take hurt over and over again. I guess I figure if I can get the wall up first, they can't hurt me.

So, when friends hurt me, intentionally or not, I pull away. I figure if I can distance myself and convince myself that I don't care, I can't get hurt. This, of course, probably hurts me more than helps. Maybe this defense mechanism, makes it seem like I don't care to them. Maybe it makes whatever the initial problem worse. I don't know. I know it's not a healthy way to deal with things, but it is the way I have been 'trained'. When you get beat up - physically and emotionally - enough times, you figure out ways to block the hits.

I would love to be able to spend time with people who I once considered friends and feel comfortable. Feel free to be myself or relax. Sadly, right now, I don't think there is anyone who does that for me. I continue to push through. Attend events with friends, but in the end, I usually feel more lonely, more depressed, more disconnected than if I had just given up and stayed home. I often sit while watching others talk, laugh, connect and feel like I'm right back in high school. Part of my just wants to give up and stop trying.

So, it seems as though the thing I 'do' to protect myself and keep from re-living my past pains and betrayals, may in fact be causing them. How wonderful is that? At 31 years old, I know I am still considered 'young' but I often times feel like the negative parts of myself have just grown and become more ingrained in me.

So why am I putting this out there? I don't know. Maybe in a few days I will come back and erase this post. Right now I feel like maybe if I get it out, I will feel better? Maybe it will help me to change? Maybe someone who reads this will see one of their friends in this post and try to reach out harder to them. Sometimes outward appearances of strength, resilience and determination are just that...outward appearances. Sometimes what's in the inside is something quite different.

Lucky?

I heard many people speak about today and how it would be lucky. 11-11-11. Yes, very cool. I find fun in number combinations found in dates and times. Many posts were found on FB at 11:11 to commemorate 11-11-11. I was to work today, so I just hoped that it would bring an easy and fast passing day at work.

It would not be so. I had to call out of work today. I never call out of work. Seriously, I don't. It kills me to. In fact, I sat for over an hour with my stomach churning before picking up the phone. To add to the stress; any call out on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday has to be made up on a weekend. So now I get another weekend shift added to my next schedule. So, why did I call out? All three of my children have plotted against me.

M - On Wednesday night I found a small pimple. Looked like a bug bite. I basically ignored it. By Thursday, Q was saying that he was limping around the house and complaining about his leg hurting. When I got home at 8pm it didn't look horrible. By 1am the bug bite was huge. It was now an abscess. More concerning, there was over 10 smaller superficial abscesses surrounding the area. I actually considered taking him to the ED right then. I decided that since he wasn't febrile, I would wait until the next morning. We did get to the doctor today, he has multiple MRSA abscess and is on antibiotics again. He is pitiful. Tonight the abscess finally came to head, so I also got the pleasure of 'expressing' it.

K - Her pain is out of control. I feel like I am damaging her kidneys with all the ibuprofen I am giving her. It seems like I am giving to her way too much. K goes from fine to freak out screaming in a matter of minutes. I even have her on some stomach medicine to help prevent stomach irritation. Her surgery is scheduled for Wednesday. I can't wait. I so want her pain to be gone! Oh, and another bonus...the Children's Hospital called me today. They wanted to know what my plan was to pay her projected $27,000 hospital bill. Hahaha...yah, like I have a plan for that (insurance of course will pic up a good deal of it.)

S - While dealing with two crying children this morning, S wakes up and looks at me funny. He states he doesn't feel well...and...BLA...he throws up. After talking to him, it is clear that he has a migraine. S gets these once in awhile. His symptoms are always the same. Headache and vomiting. I medicated him before leaving for the doctor and he didn't move from the couch for a few hours. He seemed to get better around noon, but the headache returned this afternoon. After another dose of meds and another nap, he seems okay now. I hope it stays that way. Being a migraine sufferer myself, I can't imagine what it's like for a 5yo to suffer through.

So, in the last 2 months I have seen the kids' doctor more times than I probably have in the last 2 years. While there I made another appointment, although this one is for M's two year visit. I hope I don't see them before than.

So...maybe my luck is coming on 12-12-12??

Getting Rough

K has been progressively getting worse.

She healed fairly well from her concussion. We decided though, that since her limp was quite significant that she would no longer run, or participate in rough activity at school. She was unhappy with this, but I couldn't risk more serious injury.

Her pain though has continued to increase in severity. We had been getting away with medicating her right before school and when she got home (along with evening and night dosing). On Thursday, while at work, I received a call from the school saying that her pain was too severe to send her to the stop where walkers are picked up, and someone needed to come into the school to get her. Luckily Q was there and able to pick her up. I called the school to set up a mid day dosing but they required a bunch a paper work including a DOCTOR SIGNATURE!? I rushed to get all the stuff done before close of day Thursday, all while working.

On Friday I get another call from the school saying K is crying and won't eat lunch. I told them she had her meds, but I guess the paperwork from the doc never got faxed. Grrrr.. Again, Q to the rescue, runs over to the school and medicates her for pain. I was also working on Friday and again through multiple phone calls, I believe I got the paperwork sorted out. I will be checking on Monday though when I drop the kids off to make sure.

Only about 2 more weeks of this and I hope we can once again put this crap behind us.

Trunk or Treat Number Two

Later in the afternoon we went to the local mom group's event. It had turned from a cold, but warm day, to a cold and windy day. Everyone was very cold, expect for M, and didn't have much stamina.

This time M was a seasoned expert. He threw on that costume, grabbed his bucket and went to work. He tried once again to hit up cars more than once but this time could contain his excitement enough to actually hand out candy to other children. K and M had much more stamina than S, who made a beeline for the car once he had all his loot.

Trunk or Treat Number One

Our first Halloween Event this year was with the twin group. The kids had a great time dressing up, playing games and going trunk to trunk getting candy and other goodies. Initially S was going to be some transformer, but decided to go as his favorite thing - a dinosaur. K went as a superhero girl and M was a super cute shark.

It was so cute to see M in his first 'real' Halloween. At first he didn't want to get the costume on. He fought and fussed and wanted nothing to do with the whole event. He was quite the grumpy gus. When we went out to trunk or treat he didn't want to hold his bucket or follow his brother or sister. But the most amazing thing happened after the second or third car dumped candy into his bucket...he turned into a trick or treat machine! He LOVED it. He ran from car to car saying "chickacheet". When he was done, he went back for more. It was hilarious to see the concept 'click' in his head and the resulting fun. This is what makes parenting an amazing experience. Seeing your child discover the simplicity of life and how wonderful walking from car to car getting sugared goodies can be.

I included this picture because it makes me giggle every time I see it. This is M's 'smile' for the camera. I have to catch him in natural poses, otherwise this is the face I get in every picture.

A Black Cloud

While at work today I got a call from the school saying K had been playing at recess and ended up falling at hitting her head on the sidewalk (she was playing some sort of zombie game and ended up under a pile of boys) She was bleeding all over and the school needed her picked up and thought she needed stitches.

Thankfully her nanny was able to pick her up and bring her to me at work, which is nicely right across the street from her ped, so that I could assess the situation myself and see what needed to be done. The poor thing had blood stained clothes, but thankfully the wound had closed itself off, and it was apparent that no stitches would be necessary.

However, when I was talking to her, she seems foggy. Told me she didn't remember how she hurt herself. Just seemed glazed over and sleepy. Her head took quite the hit with about an inch round, purple knot to the side of her head. Stitches were no longer my concern, but now I was worried about a head injury.

Took her across the street - a crazy experience as I had to right away get my patients covered by the other nurses on the floor - and had her seen. They did a full neuro exam and were slightly more concerned because the around the clock ibuprofen she had been taking put her at increased risk for bleeding. Her final diagnosis was a concussion. I get to wake her every four hours tonight and we have to have a quiet weekend at home. Tylenol will have to do for pain relief for the next 24 hours as well.

I really need the medical drama with her to quit!

Oh, and about an hour before this happened, I got a call from the children's hospital saying that after the doc reviewed her scans, he has moved her surgery two weeks up to November 16th. Of course the nurse in me wonder's why he suddenly wants to do it two weeks earlier, but I am trying to just see it as the good thing it is.

Baby Steps

I am slowly working at getting my financial life into order. It will be at least another year before I think I will be able to say that I am where I want to be, but I am taking the steps now that will get me there.

This week I turned in all my stuff to finalize my refinancing. I should be able to reduce my payments by almost $400! In addition to that, I am shopping around for new home owners insurance which should result in slightly more savings. My car should be paid off by the end of the year. That's an additional $300 a month. So I am super excited that next year I will have an additional $700 a month to pay down my other debt.

Who knows. If I can get my weight loss going, by this time next year maybe I will be ready to TTC again!

Success

For the last several month M has been receiving speech therapy. After jumping through lots of red tape, we started the process in June. Our first therapist was not the right fit. M nor I clicked with her and we had several issues from the get-go. At the end of August, she dropped us - nice huh? - and we were assigned someone else. This therapist has been wonderful.

M loves her. She has such a great personality and has really connected with M. He looks forward to her visit and I see such improvement in his communication. We are finally at the point where he mimics most of what I say, he attempts to verbalize, even if it's just gibberish, and he is making progress virtually every day.

His consistent words are:
Mama
Eat
Norma
Pop-pop
Car
Keys
Hello
Up
Pull
In
Eye
Hug
Yes
Un-uh

He is close to saying the twin's names'. He also signs a few words and nods 'yes'. I know the above list isn't something wonderful for an almost two-year old, but considering 5 months ago he was barely saying a thing, I am very happy!

Recurrence

Doctor's can be so freaking frustrating. This whole thing with K has driven me nuts. The Doctor who operated on her leg last year didn't want to take my calls because he doesn't do follow ups while K's regular pediatrician didn't want to take my calls because she needed to be seen by her specialist. After 3 days of back and forth, her regular ped finally saw us and then referred his assessment to the specialist who ordered a CT scan. Such a friggin mess for something that should have been very simple.

Today K finally got her CT scan and it confirmed what I was afraid of. The tumor has recurred. It's in the exact same spot. I don't know if it's bigger/smaller/similar to before, but it's there. Some more calling back and forth and finally got word that Dr Child's is pretty confident that we will do another RFA and attempt to remove the tumor again. Hopefully this time we will have success. While I really didn't want K to go through the more involved surgery, I also fear the RFA will fail again. In this case I decided that I would go with what the doctor suggested since I was torn on what was best. (see below for a quick description of each procedure)

Here is that bastard tumor! Seen in the lower bone segment

Radio Frequency Ablation. They basically drill a small hole into her bone and insert wire. The wire heats up to a very high temperature and 'burns' out the tumor. It's done under general anesthesia, but is generally outpatient. Last year she had the surgery in the morning and we went home that evening. It doesn't mess with the integrity of the bone, there is no incision (more of a puncture) and about 24 hours after surgery K was fine with no pain and no other recovery.

The other is more invasive. They will put her under general anesthesia and create an incision - not sure of the size but probably only an inch or two. They will actually cut into the bone and take the segment out which contains the tumor. Most of the time, it's like taking a cube of bone. Depending on the size, they may need to reinforce the area with screws or plates. They would then close her up and cast her. This would be a few day stay in the hospital. Since the bone strength has been compromised, she wouldn't be able to bear weight on it for a few weeks - so most likely a wheelchair for several weeks. Then once they remove the cast, she would then most likely need physical therapy for a few weeks.

Worried About K

It's been just over a year. Just over a year since I went through the difficult time of having K enduring test after test; finding a tumor in her bone; experiencing surgery. I was so pleased with her rapid improvement and our virtually 'immediate' cure.

Well I think it's back. For a few weeks K has been complaining of pain in that leg. I have ignored it for the most part because it was come and go and growing pains can be common during this time. I listened to her, but did not react. Well in the last week she has started to wake during the night crying in pain. For those who don't remember, this is the classic symptom for her bone tumor. I also think that today I noticed a slight limp.

I called her pediatrician on Monday but he wanted me to follow up with the surgeons at the children's hospital. I called them, but they felt like they usually only get the cases once a problem is found and that they don't do 'follow up'. A nurse coordinator was supposed to call me back today, but since it's now 10:45pm I don't think I'll get a call. I guess I need to call again tomorrow and see whats up.

I really don't want to start this again. I don't want to see K go through the pain and uncertainty of all this again, but more I am concerned for the next step. Last time we did conservative treatment which is usually very successful. The next step up was to take the chunk of bone from her leg which would result in non-weight bearing for a few weeks, casting and physical therapy...much more severe than our last experience.

I am worried. I don't want her to go through this again.

Feeling Disengaged

For the last 2 weeks or so, I have felt disengaged. I don't feel a connection to anything or anyone. I feel like everything that I have held important, has failed or let me down. I have lost faith or hope in things that once gave me some degree of satisfaction.

It's a weird feeling and one I don't like. I have to fight to get things done. I don't enjoy doing anything and I just feel 'blah'. Maybe it's a component to my depression and I need to struggle through it until it passes. I don't know. It makes life difficult, unhappy and it impacts my interaction with the kids.

The feeling started last week at work when a co-worker was promoted. It's difficult to understand why this would impact me without going into a HUGE back story. A very simplified version is that this employee is unreliable, immature and has other major issues. A group that I chair was asked to interview him for the position, which we did, and recommended that he did not get the position, and it was given to him anyway. Many years ago, this group also interviewed me for a position (not the one he got) and they also declined to give me the position. Only difference is it wasn't offered to me. This was a huge betrayal but it occurred when I was 1 weeks pregnant with the twins, so what was I going to do. So, with the other factors, and then my history with this group, it re-opens the wounds and makes me wonder why the position was held from me, but offered to him.

The local moms group that I am part of has been having some drama lately with a few members. Some of these members are long time trouble makers and nothing is ever done with them. Infact, in many ways it seems like the rules don't apply to them. After years of dealing with them, I am tired. I have two positions with this group. I announced this week that I am stepping down from one of them. I will probably hold on to the other, but that one doesn't involve direct contact with any members so it will hopefully be okay.

And I think the thing that knocked me down the most was the Twin Mom Fall Bazaar. I was in charge of organizing this. I have been working on it since July. Collecting registrations, communicating with vendors, planning the additional raffle and bake sale, designing the brochure and banner and then having them made and organizing the volunteer schedule to help with the Bazaar and Bake Sale. This group has over 60 members. If you count the members who weren't selling at the Bazaar, I maybe had 5-8 people bring baked items and/or help at the Bazaar.

I pushed through though. I did most of everything to prepare for this. I baked like a maniac on Friday to ensure enough supply. Friday night I went to the hall and set up all the tables and stored the drinks I had bought for the sale. Early Saturday morning I was there to help the other vendors and get the show going. I was there all day.

And the worst possible thing that could have happened, happened. Virtually no one came. All that planning, energy and effort wasted. Not only that but I had to stand there all day embarrassed and frustrated that I had a hall full of vendors and no customers. I advertised in many venues and really did all I could have. I don't understand why it failed. But it did. And this, I feel is my fault - even though logically I know I had no control over this.

But again, I felt left down by those around me. The numerous friends of mine who were supposed to come. The 60 members of the twins group who should have come to show support. The members of the group who are supposed to be my friends who when asked to help me replied they were busy - like I apparently sit on my ass all day.

So anyway...I'm just tired. I'm frustrated. I'm done. I have no one to count on, rules don't apply to everyone and double standards are everywhere. So ya, disengaged is my word for my mood. I hope it passes soon.

:o( :o( :o(

So....it is MRSA. Son of a gun. Sucks, but it is what it is.

On a positive note, his sore looks SOOOOO much better. It's all healed over and no longer draining. He still hates his antibiotics but after whining for a second or two, he gives in.

Poor little Mook :0(

Carousel Festival

Today was the annual Carousel Festival. I was trying to think how many years we have been going and I think this was the fourth year. In the past we have gone with friends or my parents, but today it was just us.

It has been unseasonably cool here the last few days which was perfect. Mid 70's to walk around and play on rides without sweating and getting worn out. We were able to ride all the rides, walk around to see the different exhibits and even enjoy some great fair food. With this festival all the rides are free but with face painting, food and snacks the money in my pocket went quickly.
M is obsessed with Cars and there was a ride where he could 'drive' car around the track. He was in love!
The twins always enjoy getting their faces painted by the same guy year after year.

Poor Mook!

S - 3 yrs 9 months
K - 2 yrs 1 months
M - 1 yrs 9 months

I am not a fan of antibiotic use. The above is how long each of my children have gone into their life before being given their first antibiotic. I am pretty pleased with those numbers.

I am a true believer that we over use antibiotics and this is why we are now dealing with the super bugs we are. A sniffle, sore throat, cough...run to the doctor and get a drug. Hand sanitizer, soap, laundry detergent, baby wipes...all with added antibacterial compounds. These behaviors and products have led to our immune systems being out of whack and cause the bacteria to mutate and strengthen. I am a HUGE believer in natural immunity and you won't find any of those antibacterial products in my home.

Now, all that being said, I'm also not one of those parents who deny my children needed antibiotics when they are truly needed. K received her first dose when she was diagnosed with bilateral pneumonia and a double ear infection. S ended up with a large, very painful abscess to his upper thigh when he received his first dose. And now, Mook. He also has an abscess.

This stupid thing started as a small 'pimple' which was covered by his diaper. I tried antibiotic ointment, hot compresses and expressing the material, but in the end I conceded and took him to the doctor yesterday. By then it was very angry looking and he was starting to feel like maybe he was running a low grade temperature.

The doctor took a look and right away said MRSA - which pisses me off. If you want to label my kid with MRSA, you better darn prove that's what it is. She did take a culture and I guess I will hear this week. what grows. As I held down my baby she 'expressed' the hell out of it. And as a nurse, I can tell you the stuff that came out was NASTY. Poor Mook screamed through the whole event. This picture was taken right before that procedure and I can tell you that this does not give it justice. The lump was quite large and there was much more redness than this picture shows.
Now we have 10 days of antibiotics. Since this is a pretty big infection - and surgery was even mentioned - he's on pretty heavy duty drugs. Problem is these drugs taste vile and it's horrible trying to get them down my 21 month old three times a day. I will continue to force them though, because I want this to go away...without surgery and without an additional course of antibiotics.

Poor Mook!

My Kindergarteners

A New Baby is on the Way!!

Not me...I wish!

Our little donor family is growing. One of our families is expecting another baby in April. I've know for a few weeks but she finally had an US today and it showed a healthy little bean.

This will be baby #13 for us. We have 8 families with a current total of 12 children. There are 6 boys and 6 girls. So far I am the only one with twins. Me and another mom each have three a piece. This new baby will be baby number three for this family, but the second with our donor.

I am excited! There is another family who is TTC baby #14. Maybe I will sneak in baby #15 at some point :)

I am Surrounded by F'in Idiots....Part II

I have written a bunch about how immature and irresponsible my sister is. She just never grew up. After 'graduating' high school with a 1.9 GPA and then never going to college she never really even got a job. She goes from home to home until that person is tired of her living off them and she moves on. Awhile ago I discovered that she had conned a man out of over $3000 claiming to have a child and having no money for xyz. In exchange for him sending her money, she sent him naked pictures of herself. If I found out about this one guy, I wonder how many others there are.

Well she has also had her share of relationships. About 3 years ago she met an NFL player in a club and since has been 'bouncing' around pro/college athletes. She had been with two Panthers, a Spur and two college players that I am aware of. W, is a college player who she has been off and on with the most.

For probably the last year they have been 'seeing' each other. He is never in the same town she is, so it's more like they hang out for a few days, talk for a few weeks, break-up and then restart the cycle. In early summer they broke up for good because he cheated on my sister and supposedly got his ex-girlfriend pregnant. I'm sure J was no angel but this is the version she told. She then started going out with another college player who was in the draft.

At this point I will include that my mom never has a problem with this behavior and actually encourages it. Whomever J is with, she talks about marriage and babies within the first few weeks of the relationship. It's actually quite odd and concerning that my mom would do this. It's so weird and contrary to the way I remember her being when I was a child. Why on earth would she encourage such irresponsible and erratic behavior in someone who obviously has no moral compass or direction of her own.

So this summer when she was with D my mom went on and on about how they should get married (in total I think the relationship lasted 6 weeks to give you perspective). She even posted something about a June wedding on her FB page and many people actually thought J had become engaged!

Well about 6 weeks into their relationship...guess who gets signed to the NFL? Yep, W. So suddenly W is fine, he did nothing wrong and J dumps D like a hot potato and suddenly LOVES W again. Apparently W is dumb as a box of rocks for not realizing that the only reason J went back with him is because he now has a contract with $$$$. And my mom is 100% fully on board with W now.

This all occured about 2-3 weeks ago. Fast forward to this weekend. J goes to visit W with my mom who is uber impressed with the hotel and other 'material' things he provides for them while they visit. On their way back, the two of them call me and asked me if I had any more ovulation tests left because J is moving in with W and they are going to try and get pregnant!

WTF???

So yes...my mom is totally encouraging and supporting my 21yo sister who has never had a job, responsibilities or quite honestly can wipe her own ass without help to have a baby with someone she has never spent more than a few consecutive days with at a time, and who she has only been back with for a few weeks. I don't even allow J to watch my kids because she has shown multiple times that she can't handle it.

I told my mom that I absolutely did not want to ever hear about this horrible, selfish, asinine plan again and I hung up on them. I literally am at a loss at how my sister could possibly be doing this, and how my mother could be okay with it. I don't know if they think that since W will have $$$ it won't matter if it doesn't work because then J will always get the support? I have no clue. Regardless of the reason the outcome will only be tragic. A child born to two people who have no idea what commitment or responsibility is who is being used as some sort of pawn in a game. My prediction is that if this does happen, my mom will be paying for it big time. Because unless W continues to do well and J can afford a nanny...my mom will be the one who gets to raise this baby.

I am Surrounded by F'in Idiots....Part I

Okay, give me some lenience with these next two posts. I have avoided coming here to rant and rave about my opinions but I have to let them out somewhere where my family/friends don't know exists and is my place.

In the last week three people have announced their pregnancies. Everyone came about 2 or 3 days apart and each announcement was more and more aggravating. The reason...I firmly believe that when someone tries to conceive a child, they need to do so knowing the can care for that child in all ways. Physically, Emotionally, Mentally and Financially. In addition that child needs to come into a home with love and stability. A child is not a tool to fix something. It is a gift, and should be looked at with the knowledge that it comes with great responsibility and not something to fill some selfish need you have to fill.

Situation One: Married couple with one child. This couple is probably the best prepared of the three to have another child. BUT I was ticked off when shortly after she announced her pregnancy, commented about the frustration with applying for pregnancy medicaid and getting her current child medicaid who up until now had no insurance.

Situation Two: Married couple with 5 children. They have major struggles financially. I'm sure this stress impacts her marriage as she is also commonly bitching about her husband who works a lot - which makes sense with a family of 7 people now growing.

Situation Three - By far the one that bothers me most. Married couple with two children. About a year ago husband got arrested for stealing from his employer. He lost his job. To say this family struggles financially is an understatement. They were struggling before the job loss. No one has insurance, except the children who are on medicaid. They receive food stamps and WIC. Their marriage is in shambles since the arrest. Not long ago the wife described their marriage as "room mates at best" But then guess who announces their pregnancy this week and is all smiles about it?

I don't get it. From speaking to some people, I think my opinions are more popular than many will admit. No one wants to say it because it makes them sound petty and I guess...bitchy. People don't want the reproductive rights of others to be controlled and I do agree with that, but there has to be a middle ground. Everyone likes to be all smiles and happy around pregnancy and babies. But look at society and children. So many come from dysfunctional families and then are propelled into schools, workplaces and society with baggage and issue.

People who read know I want another baby and may feel that this rant is about jealously. Maybe that's part of it, but I really don't think it is. I could start next month with TTC and most likely within a few months be pregnant. But I'm not. And I'm not because that would be unfair to S, K, M and the future child. I can care for the three children I have. If I were to add another, that would be in question. I need to have certain things taken care of before I can TTC again, which is why I haven't completely ruled it out, but definitely placed on the back burner for now.

I guess my aggravation is why do I hold myself to this standard when it is clear that so many do not?

Baby Stats

I stole this from another blog. I thought it was cute :0)


1.Age? 5

2. Name? S-amuel K-eegan

3. Birthday? Feb 14th 2006

4. Time of birth? 1:01p

5. How long did labor last? Scheduled Section

6. Who was in the room when baby was born? Doctors & Mom

7. How long did you push? No pushing!

8. Weight? 6lbs 8oz

9. Length? 19"

10. Any hair? Dark Brown/Black Hair

11. Who does baby look like? My guess would be me

12. Be honest…how much weight did you gain during pregnancy? Lost 60 pounds

13. Was baby early or late? Born at 36w4d

14. Who drove you home from hospital? I drove myself home

15. How many baby showers did you have? two

16. When did baby start sleeping through the night? Um...4yo maybe?

17. Did you breastfeed? Wouldn't latch :( I pumped for 3 months

18. If not, what kind of formula? Enfamil

19. Who keeps your baby the most? Mom at first, but Nanny Q

20. When do you wanna have another? I liked the idea of another right away but didn't seriously consider it until around 2yo.

21. How did you pick the name? Always loved the name. Middle is after a child I loved who died from SIDS.

22. How did you know when it was time to go to hospital? I was admitted a week before the birth due to illness.

23. What was your pain management? Spinal

24. Did you go home or somewhere else when you left the hospital? Home

25. Anyone spend the night with you first night home? Mom, Me, twins


1.Age? 5

2. Name? K-aidyn A-shlyn

3. Birthday? Feb 14th 2006

4. Time of birth? 1:03p

5. How long did labor last? Scheduled Section

6. Who was in the room when baby was born? Doctors & Mom

7. How long did you push? No pushing!

8. Weight? 5lbs 8oz

9. Length? 18"

10. Any hair? Barely any hair - reddish blond

11. Who does baby look like? Who knows!

12. Be honest…how much weight did you gain during pregnancy? Lost 60 pounds

13. Was baby early or late? Born at 36w4d

14. Who drove you home from hospital? I drove myself home

15. How many baby showers did you have? two

16. When did baby start sleeping through the night? Um...4yo maybe?

17. Did you breastfeed? Wouldn't latch :( I pumped for 3 months

18. If not, what kind of formula? Enfamil

19. Who keeps your baby the most? Mom at first, but Nanny Q

20. When do you wanna have another? I liked the idea of another right away but didn't seriously consider it until around 2yo.

21. How did you pick the name? Just loved the names

22. How did you know when it was time to go to hospital? I was admitted a week before the birth due to illness.

23. What was your pain management? Spinal

24. Did you go home or somewhere else when you left the hospital? Home

25. Anyone spend the night with you first night home? Mom, Me, twins



1. Age? 1

2. Name? M-ax G-rayson

3. Birthday? December 10th 2009

4. Time of birth? 3:14a

5. How long did labor last? 9 hours

6. Who was in the room when baby was born? Doctors & Mom

7. How long did you push? About 5 minutes

8. Weight? 8 pounds

9. Length? 20.25"

10. Any hair? Dark Brown/Black Hair

11. Who does baby look like? Me

12. Be honest…how much weight did you gain during pregnancy? About 30pounds

13. Was baby early or late? Born at 38w6d

14. Who drove you home from hospital? Dad

15. How many baby showers did you have? two

16. When did baby start sleeping through the night? He sleeps through the night if I am with him. Started around 18 months.

17. Did you breastfeed? Still breastfeeding

18. If not, what kind of formula? None

19. Who keeps your baby the most? Nanny Q

20. When do you wanna have another? I wanted another one right away. Still do :0(

21. How did you pick the name? This name would have been K's name if she was a boy

22. How did you know when it was time to go to hospital? I was told to go for an induction.

23. What was your pain management? Staydol.

24. Did you go home or somewhere else when you left the hospital? Home

25. Anyone spend the night with you first night home? Dad, Mom, Twins

Updates

Sigh...I have totally sucked at the blog thing lately. I really need to work on that.

So...what's going on with everyone...

S - He is doing well. He started school 2 weeks ago - kindergarten - and so far he really likes it. He is REALLY into dinosaurs. I think we watch Jurassic Park III about once a day and when he's not watching it, he's reading his books or playing in his 'Dinosaur World' that he created in his room. Right now his desire is to be a Dinosaur Scientist and dig up dinosaur bones. He is growing quickly. While he can fit into M's shorts, he needs a size 7 pants for length and his feet are a size 1.

He is really a cool kid. He is so smart in science. He seems to struggle though with writing and reading and I worry that this will stifle him in school and cause him not to reach his full potential. Around here there are several schools with 'special focus' and one is a science focused school. Once he is a little older this may be a good option for him.

K - She is also doing very well. Of course she also started Kindergarten recently. Her and S are in the same class. She likes her teachers but talks more about the friends she is making. K seems to enjoy social interaction more than toys or any specific subject. She likes to play reading and grammar games with me, but won't sit and play these same games on her own. She says she will be a vet when she's older. She is also growing quickly. She is in a size 6 pants for length and a size 12 shoe.

K seems so mature for her age. She is also very smart and has an incredible memory. She is doing well with writing and pre-reading skills. She is making lots of friends and always asks me to sit and just talk with her.

M - My goodness, what to say about the Mook. He is hilarious and such a handful! He is receiving speech therapy twice a week and his vocal skills are improving week to week. He usually picks up a new word every day or two. Mook is very charming and cute...and he totally knows it! He can manipulate himself out of any situation! He is fiercely independent and thinks he can and should be able to do anything the twins do. He loves his sister, but he idolizes his brother. It is amazing to see the boys together. M has even picked up the love of dinosaurs so that he can spend time with his S. It's really just too adorable to describe.

Mook can be quite the handful. Even though he doesn't speak he is quite opinionated and has an attitude that can fill a room. His favorite word is 'Uh-uh' (NO) and he uses it often. He tests his limits constantly and will do something he's not supposed to, until you walk towards him and he runs away laughing. He is a HUGE fan of Bubble Guppies and Team Umi Zoomie. He will dance to the music and completely zone out on the couch when they are on.

Of course, sadly, my baby is growing up too. He will be headed into 24/36 month clothes and size 6 shoes. He still nurses to sleep, but even that is hit or miss lately so we may be completely weaned soon.

There isn't too much exciting going on with me. I fear that if I tried to write an update it would be filled with more bitching than anything so I will leave it for now.

Day #7 & 8

Again, no pictures taken :0( . Day 7 was spent driving back to Houston. This time we were all tired and grumpy. Poor M had reached his breaking point and cried for about 30 minutes of it. We got home in the afternoon and kind of crashed for awhile. We later went out for our final diner and spent our last night together.

Day 8 was up early and to the airport. This airport was HUGE compared to what we flew out of and depite getting there over an hour before our flight we barely made it - thank goodness for three kids and a stroller that put us in a special security line or I don't think we would have made it on time. We had to take a train to another terminal with lots of walking.

Of course we did make it and our flight back went as smoothly as the trip there. It was bittersweet to be home. We were happy to be in our own home and own beds, but we already missed the P's. Already making plans for next years visit. We soooooo wish we lived closer. I am working on J to move here ;)

Too Cool

So while I was hiding out in one of the air conditioned restaurants I decided to check my email. I first opened an email from Youtube saying someone was trying to get ahold of me. When I opened it, the email stated it was from the Jay Leno show and they wanted to use my video. Um, yah right. I deleted it assuming it was spam. I look further up on my email and there was another email, this time to my personal email account. I opened it and again someone from Jay Leno trying to contact me and this time it included a number. I figured why not and I called.

Well it turns out it wasn't a scam. Jay and his staff saw my video and thought it was funny and wanted to edit it for a bit they were doing that night. So I gave my permission and called my parents to make sure they recorded it. Sure enough it was used and later linked on the internet.

It was a video of K having a huge tantrum at around 7 months old. This video has been on Youtube for years. How funny that Jay came across it and used it!

Day #6 Part Two

SEAWORLD!! Okay...we had a lot of fun...but it was frick'in hot. Like really frick'in hot! There were several times I pulled the kids into indoor exhibits or restaurants and we just sat there. I felt bad about it, but OMG. Did I mention it was hot? We all, well, mostly me, left the park with a raging sunburn. But, I guess in the end it was all worth it.