Monday, August 16, 2010

Lonely...


The past few days I have felt kind of lost. It actually started when I got one of those stupid chain emails where you fill out answers to silly questions. One of the questions was "Who is your best friend?" and I didn't have an answer. It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks that I don't really have a 'best friend'. I have lots of good friends, but no one friend who I can count on anytime to help me out in a pinch; no one that I can share my deepest secrets with and not worry about being judged; no one who I regularly hang out with and feel connected to.

There is one person who comes close...but she is 1000's of miles away and therefor it isn't really the same.

I don't know why this is the case. I know many people form their life long friendships in high school and I of course moved to a different country after I graduated high school. I went to a technical college so didn't get the dorm life or sorority experience. I am not one to go clubbing or to large social events so I guess my opportunity to meet people is limited.

Maybe this is more important to me since I am a single mom by choice. I have made the decision to parent alone and it's not a decision I regret, however I think it makes me need a close friend all the more. I need another adult that I can share things with and have adult conversation with. Someone who when the kids drive me nuts and I need an escape completely gets it and lets me spew my emotions all over them.

Since having kids I have made more friends because I do put myself out there for the kids. I participate in many groups and attend many play dates. I have relationships with people at work. I have met some really great people but I've never gotten that big connection with anyone. Maybe it's because they are all married; maybe because at this point in life most people have already established their close friendships; maybe it's because I tend to have a hard time trusting people and allowing myself to be vulnerable.

I'm not sure how to fix this, now at 30 years old. Part of me thinks it too late and I need to be grateful for the group of friends I have and not worry about having one or two 'best' friends. But part of me really yearns for that best friend relationship.

2 comments on "Lonely..."

Lori on August 16, 2010 at 9:40 PM said...

I've never been one to have "best" friends. I have a small number of "dear" friends. Even when it's the dear friend who lives in town we don't see each other often. But, I can call any of them and have those deep heartfelt conversations. Like you, the show up at the drop of a hat availability isn't really a part of those friendships.

I think you feel it more because you have young children. I remember when I was little all of these stay at home moms were available to each other every day. Our world is different and challenging.

I wish for you that close, dear friend who is nearby to add to your dear friend who is so far away.

tripntwinmom on August 17, 2010 at 8:51 PM said...

(((((HUGS))))))

Even though I am so far, I am ALWAYS here! Call me ANYTIME. I REALLY mean it...... :) Ugh. To have some $$. To be able to travel more often. I DO get you. I DO understand...

Honestly though, I have lived in this area since I was a year old and feel the same way in a sense. All of my friends are married and it is just NOT the same... :( I LOVE my local friends with all of my heart, but when it comes down to it, their loyalty is where it SHOULD be. With their husbands. I saw that when I went through Tobey's surgery alone...:(

Well, my friend, I thank my lucky stars every night that I have "found" you. I know that we are far apart, but at least we have FB, texting, email, message boards, blogs, phones, etc. Then, I can take you with me. When I feel lonely, I think of it that way. I can still bring you along in "some" way....:)

Thinking of you......

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

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