Let's Try to Find Some Positive...

My last few posts have been kind of negative so it's time to share some positive.

Today was M's 9 month well baby check-up. He did very well. Still a tall, lean baby. He is 19 pounds and 29". He is at or ahead of all his developmental milestones and there were no causes for concern. He got the first of two flu shots this year, which I really didn't want to do, but I felt since the twins were now in pre-school they were a much greater risk than when they were cared for at home. The twins will go this Friday for their first round and then I will be able to bring all three for their second shot in November. I'm thinking I might need reinforcements.

After his appointment I headed over to work for a few minutes (work is right across the street from the ped). Everyone at work loves little M and just melts all over him. I haven't brought him in since his 6 month visit so many people were shocked at how much older and bigger he was.

We then headed over to the shopping center to have lunch with an old friend who I just don't have time to connect with much. It was a great lunch. I am very glad that we planned this last week. It was exactly what I needed after the events of this week. After lunch we window shopped at the Toy Store and found some good Christmas Gift ideas for our kids.

I got back JUST IN TIME to pick the kids up from school. S was crying next to the wall when I got him. This is the first time there has been any problem. I asked him why he was upset and all he would say was he missed me. Sometimes he gets very sensitive and his feelings can be easily hurt. I imagine something hurt his feelings but it was just easier to blame on missing me. I hope this doesn't cause any problems with his desire to return to school tomorrow.

My day was almost ruined by N when we came home. S had a handful of papers in his hand that I needed to look at. When we walked through the front door, N told S to give her the papers and she sat down and started to read them. WTF? They aren't for you! I took them from her and told her they were for me. They included all of S's speech work and the Calendar for October/November. When I finished reading them, I put them on my desk and N had the nerve to tell S to get them and give them to her! I so wanted to get into it, but instead I took the kids upstairs for a late nap.

My sister J came over a little bit later and cooked some special soup for dinner that K LOVES! So that was nice not having to cook. She hung out for awhile and the visit was nice. The kids like seeing her and since she doesn't come often, she pretty much hold Max the entire time which allows me to do some stuff.

As I write this all three kiddos are in bed sleeping, and I think once I finish the dishes, I will head there myself. Work tomorrow, but then off again Friday.

Is It Just Me...

Or do you find it rude when someone commits to something, and then backs out for frivolous reasons.

I admit that I take commitment to a high level. It is extremely important to me that you follow through with what you say you're going to do. Regardless of what that commitment is, if you say you're going to do it, and you don't, I have a really hard time maintaining a relationship with that person. Some of it I think is common courtesy, but I think I can also make it a bigger issue because of my trust issues.

Today was a perfect example. This Birthday Party that I mentioned yesterday. Long story, but we did end up going. The event was on FB so I could see that 8 people had RSVP'd. It was a Birthday/Playdate for a little boy who turned one yesterday. The invite went out about a month ago, and most the RSVP's had been there for a few weeks. Today, only me and one other person showed.

I felt horrible for E. She planned this event to celebrate her son's huge milestone and only 2 of her friends came. And I'll be honest, me and the other girl who came, aren't even that close of friends to her. Reasons others didn't come - Doctors Appointment; Other Appointment; Morning Got Busy; Child Not Feeling Well (totally understandable) and 2 who just didn't come. And the worse thing, they posted this on FB just this morning but never bothered calling E personally to tell her. So I actually was the one who mentioned it because I had to go on the page this morning for directions to her home.

To me this is incredibly rude and if this happened to me, I would be pissed. Those who had appointments had known about the party for weeks, and even if nothing could be done about the scheduling of said appointments, I'm sure they realized the conflict before this morning. Morning got busy - WTF?! And then 2 no shows...extremely rude.

I am so glad I went. It was pretty uncomfortable being there because of everyone who didn't show. I just hope her friends make it up to her. I know if I were her right now I would be pretty upset.

Remember My Post....

About how I had difficulty making close friends. Well today is a perfect example of why I avoid trying.

I have a friend N who shares many of the same mental health issues I do (depression and anxiety). She is a super sweet person and our kids get along great. About a month ago she started to isolate herself and did some things that really worried me. I asked her husband about her and how she was doing because I was so concerned. I later found out that about this same time, her and her husband were going through a messy separation.

Fast forward to this past week. I have tried to get a hold of her several times without luck. I finally sent her a message and asked if something was wrong. Her response was simple. She is mad at me because I spoke to her husband about her mental state. I have begged her to call me so that we can talk but so far nothing. I have been in near tears all day.

Now, I have no idea what her husband told her. According to her, he can be very verbally abusive and hateful so I have a suspicion that what he told her is very exaggerated and possible even completely wrong. I cannot get a hold of her to explain to her my feelings of concern, and my version of what was said. She has been ignoring me for about a week so it's not like I can even say that she needs to cool down before she will talk to me.

So, I put myself out there and try to develop a relationship and this is what happens. I feel like I have failed yet again. I might as well just accept that I will never have anything more than a casual relationship with someone. Now tomorrow we are both supposed to be at a birthday party. If she continues to ignore me I won't be going. N has been friends with the family much longer than I have, and it wouldn't be fair to them for us to bring our awkwardness into their son's first birthday party.

I am really hoping I hear back from her tonight. I would love to work on this because I do think we had a good relationship. I realize I probably shouldn't have asked her husband about how things were going, but it was truly done with only love and concern.


***UPDATE***
So after emailing her once more explaining to her how important her friendship was to me; requesting that she just call/text/email me; and sitting on FB with her logged in for about 2hours while I was also logged in (perfect time for her to chat) she has completely ignored my requests. I guess Max and I will stay home in the morning. Add another failed friendship to the list; reinforce my feelings of isolation & loneliness and go to bed feeling sorry for myself.

Happy Monday to all.

The Highs and Lows of This Weekend

Saturday:

Ugh. About once a month I have a day where I am so exhausted that I can't even make myself get out of bed. These are horrible days. Not only because of how bad I feel physically, but because of the guilt I feel as a mom. On these days I literally lock myself and the kids into the nursery - the only 100% baby proofed room - and lay on the floor while the kids play around me. It kills me to know that I do this. I mean I know the kids are safe this way, but what kind of memories am I creating for my kids. It makes me think about adults who describe their alcoholic parent passed out on the couch while they play. I hope when my kids are old enough to understand MS and it's potential side effects, they will forgive me for these days.

Around 1pm I was able to force myself out of bed and got everyone ready for a party the kids had been invited to weeks before. Luckily I had already created K's costume so there really wasn't much to get together before we had to go. It was a super hero theme. S went as Spiderman and K went as 'Super K_idyn" I actually made her costume. Not bad eh?


And of course, since I had spent all morning in bed, when it came time to sleep that night, it didn't happen. I at least used the time to clean the house and was able to watch the season premier of Saturday Night Live which was pretty funny.

Sunday:

Migraine. I woke up with the right side of my face and eye throbbing. I knew part of it had to do with what had happened Saturday, part of it because we went from mid 90's to mid 70's in 24h and part of it because I hadn't had a diet pepsi in over 24 hours. I took some meds and went on with the day.

My parents came to visit today so I kept myself busy in the morning with continued cleaning, working on the 6 plus loads of laundry that needed to be done and getting some things organized. My parents got there at 11a and brought us some lunch. The twins are really digging their grandparents lately so they had a blast hanging out with them. I was even able to sneak away for a few minutes to go buy some diet pepsi to try and make my head quit hurting.

My parents brought the kids some silly string. Being a total kid myself :0) I called S down and told him he needed to see something. When he came around the corner I got him! K quickly followed the commotion and we had a good old silly string fight. Although it was a pain to clean, it was fun.


When my parents left at 3p I took all the kids upstairs and we had a nap. Finally, waking up about 2 hours later, my head was pain free. We went to Subway for dinner since there was nothing in the house (grocery shopping tomorrow!) and then came home to our new Sunday routine.

Still Undecided

My mind daily waivers back and forth on whether or not to pursue an adoption to add baby #4 to the mix. If I go with my heart, I am 100% on board with having another. I love being a mother more than anything and I have always wanted four children.

My mind is not so sure. I DO NOT want to be pregnant. I don't do pregnancy very well. I am tired, sick and miserable and it just wouldn't be fair to subject the twins to that again, as well as Max with him being so young. I do want to adopt. I have always wanted to adopt, in fact, it was never important to me to have biological children in the beginning. I started my journey with adoption and had it been successful, may have never turned to TTC.

There are a few considerations to adoption. I cannot afford the high costs of international and domestic adoption. Add to that, that many international locations are closed to singles, and that a birth mom probably wouldn't chose a single mom household with three children already, so my choices are pretty limited. The route that would most likely work would be foster to adopt, but there is just soooooo much risk in it.

This is the program in which I lost my Zach. One week before parental termination would start, his parents removed him from me and gave him to someone else. This could happen again. Many other things could happen. I don't know if I can emotionally handle it, or if it would be fair to subject the twins to that.

I tell myself that this time I wouldn't be so 'desperate' because I have children now. I am no longer dependant on them to become a mom. I would be very clear with what I wanted and while it might take longer for a placement, maybe once I get a placement they will stay.

I literally go back an forth daily.

Add to that, right now I have at least 4 friends actively pursuing adoption. I read and listen to their stories and I am envious that I can't be in the process with them. Two of these friends were unable to have children of their own and would probably be shocked to know that I am a little jealous of them right now.

I need to come up with a plan. If I do have another child I want him/her to be close in age to Max. I know the county is starting the required classes again in January and I'm thinking I need to make my decision by then. Either I jump in feet first and start the process, or decide that my family is done growing and stop focusing on the possibility of a fourth.

So...3 months. That's how long I have to make my decision. This should be interesting...

Too Stink'in Cute

The twins have been playing a game now for 3 or 4 days. K is the mommy and S is the daddy. They go around the house calling each other 'Honey' or 'Sweetie' and take turns caring for their baby named 'Junior'. S goes to work and K stays home to watch the baby. They take turns putting the baby to sleep and checking in on him. They even share diaper duty - LOL!

I love it! It's adorable to listen to, but it's also interesting on how their play is modelled after such a traditional family when they aren't from one. I can only imagine that they come up with these ideas from TV and watching their friend's families.

I think this is a perfect example of how children raised in alternative households aren't damaged or have a skewed sense of what is typical. My children have been raised in a Single Mom household since day one and yet they always talk about marriage, how there are mommies and daddies, how the moms stay home and take care of babies, the dads go to work and you call each other honey and sweetie.

I guess I haven't screwed them up just yet ;0)

Does it ever boggle your mind...

When you think about the fact that you created, grew, delivered and then nurtured your children into who they are and who they are becoming?

It can literally make my head hurt when I try to understand the miraculous process that took place at conception and the following 38 weeks. Two small cells combine and start dividing. They begin to differentiate and create different structures. They must multiply millions of times, create hundreds of organs, bones, cells, etc and most of the time do it without any defect or error. This life grows from something invisible to the naked eye to a fully grown baby in such a short period of time (although it doesn't seem that way while pregnant).

This baby is born, and while fully dependant on me, it still has basic life function and like a sponge absorbs everything around it. In a few weeks they can see more, they start to smile, figure out how to move their limbs and start to observe the world around them. A few months and they learn to babble, laugh, interact and still figuring out how to move that little body. Nine months later they are crawling, sitting, laughing, standing and playing little games with you. They can already manipulate you into doing things they want; they have tempers; they have preferences; they have started to gain the confidence to explore the world around them without the constant support of mom.

How on earth can all this happen in 9 short months. Life at this age is really incredible. It is awesome that somehow my body created this child. That this beautiful, amazing, loving little boy who I love so much is here because of me. I often don't feel very proud of myself, or feel like I have contributed much to this world, but when I looked at Max, and his older brother and sister, I can't help but feel amazed with myself that somehow I did do something right. I did it three times. They really are the three best things that I have ever done.

Two Thousand

As of today I have donated 2000 ounces of breast milk. All but 100 ounces have gone to one Mommy and her baby girl. I am very proud of this accomplishment and happy that I can help a mom in need.

Her daughter is 3 months behind Max. I hope that I can continue to provide her with breast milk until Max turns one. At that point I would really like to get off that miserable pump. I have a 1000 ounce reserve at all times in the deep freezer, so if I do decide to stop pumping at one, I would be able to provide her with that 1000 ounces.

We will see what the future brings :o)

Some More Pictures to Share

Today we went to the Festival. We have gone three years in a row and we always really enjoy ourselves. This year I convinced my parents to come with us which was great since I had two extra sets of hands. The twins had a blast - already asking when we can go back - and I think the rest of us enjoyed our day too. Tonight we are all worn out...and I am burnt to a crisp...so I think it will be an early night to bed for all.

Sneek Peaks :)

Wordless Wednesday - First Visit to a Park with Mommy

C-O-N-V-E-N-T-I-O-N

Every year our there is a state convention for mothers of multiples. I went 3 years ago for the whole weekend, 2 years ago for the big dinner and then stayed home last year since I was pretty pregnant. This year I wanted to go but due to cost I decided to sit it out.

Well, at last night's mothers of multiples meeting I won a free convention registration. My mom has agreed to watch the kids that weekends...so....it looks like I get to go!!!

This year convention is close to one of my parents homes. They usually rent it out, but right now it's vacant so we will all actually stay at the house. This will allow me to come home a few times during the day to feed Max or pump and then head back out. The kids will be within 10 miles of me and I won't have to pay for a hotel room.

Sometimes its very nice when everything seems to fall into place :)

Nine Months

Oh, where has the time gone. How on earth has nine months passed since I gave birth to my beautiful third child. I used to always say that time flew when the twins were babies, and it did, but this time it has gone by even faster. I guess the constant appointments, play dates, work, school, activities etc have eaten up the days more quickly than I'd like.

Max is still in his recent phase of crankiness and clingy-ness but I think he is getting better. He is still ultra cute and when held, has a wonderful and charming personality. As time goes by, the dark haired, olive skinned baby has turned it a clone of his big brother. No longer as dark, his hair has lightened to a fair brown and his skin has turned as fair as his siblings. His eyes appear dark but when it the light often look greenish.

Physically he is crawling and pulling up everywhere. Initially I had bet that Max would be walking by the end of September, and he still might, but since his recent desire to always be held, he hasn't quite gotten the practise he needs. He does stand on his own, but he is not cruising near as much as I thought he would. Baby gates are starting to be visible in the house again, and once Max does decide to walk, as well as attempt the stairs he sits and stares at on a daily basis, more gates will be installed. He is clapping, kind of waving and pointing. He shakes his head 'no' but I'm not sure if he completely understands the gesture. He loves to throw, smack, and make as much noise as possible.

Max loves his older siblings. He thinks they are great little people and often tries to be their shadow. He loves it when they play with him or share their toys. So far the twins are accepting of this attention, but I have a feeling once he really starts moving they may grow tired of his admiration. He still loves his mommy, sometimes a little too much. He loves to be held and carried in his wrap.

Napping is still hit or miss. He will not nap on his own which means he only takes a few cat naps during the day. I would love for this to change but it is what it is. If I lay down with Max in the bed, he will sleep for two to three hours...I just need to be there with him. Sometimes I don't mind, as it means I get to have a nap too, but other times I would love for him to nap while I get some stuff done. At night he sleeps very well. Goes down about 8p and sleeps straight until 7a the next morning. Most nights, he goes down without any problem.

Max loves to eat. He is veracious. He wants and eats everything. At times I think he feels his only purpose in life is to eat. No one can eat or drink anything without him having a fit to get some. It's both odd and comical. Sometimes I worry because he is so obsessed with eating, but he is still a tall and slender baby. He still nurses every three to four hours, but I think he would give up the day time feedings if I let him. We will continue to one year and then I will probably let him wean to just night and comfort feeding. I would have liked to go longer, but it's obvious Max just isn't that into it.

Today Max had his nine month pictures with our fav photog. Hopefully I will get some sneak peaks soon and I will be sure to share :)

I took this picture in front of my parents home in their garden. I thought it turned out so beautiful. So awesome. So calming.

I am trying to focus on this picture because right now I am so tired; so stressed; so achy. I have so many thoughts I don't even know where to begin. So for now, I will just focus on this picture.

Wordless Wednesday

My Sweet Baby Boy is Missing

And has been replaced with a cranky, high maintenance pain in the butt.

Seriously. I am getting to my wits end. M has been HORRIBLE the last few weeks. I am truly not exaggerating when I say he cries if he's not in my arms. He will also cry if I pick him up and then sit down. I often 'babywear' him but I usually never did that in the house, only when out. The past week or two I have had to strap him to my back just to get anything done. The ONLY thing that stops the crying is holding him while moving, or feeding him.

And it's not just 'fussing'. It's big boo-hoo, tears, snotty nose, red face crying. As soon as I lean over to put him down, it starts. It's a pitiful cry and he will often follow me around the house. I try to put him in the high chair or in front of other toys to distract him, but it's useless.

I have been trying to figure out why the sudden change. He has been sick the last few days and although it's been worse, this definitely started before the illness. Several of his teeth are coming in as well, but I have been giving him Tylenol with no change. M does not take naps, but he never has. He is the type to only cat-nap here and there. But honestly, even right after waking from a nap, he will start the crying again, so I'm not sure that's it either. He is still sleeping a good stretch at night, but instead of straight through, he does wake at least once for a nursing session and then back to bed.

I am so tired of the crying. I hate to say it but it's getting to the point where I just focus on bedtime each day. I don't enjoy being with him lately and that's a horrible thing to say but I am so tired of the crying. My mom came over last night and I gave him to her when she walked in the door and only took him back to put him to bed, just to get a break.

These past two weeks have been HORRIBLE!! Have I said that already??

I want my sweet baby boy back.

It's Official

We have our first real illness for M. I know a few months ago I said that, but he only vomited once and then seemed fine, so I later decided it was something I ate and then passed to him via the breastmilk that didn't agree with him.

On Friday morning M woke up extra early in the morning. When I went into his dark room to get him and nurse him back to sleep I could feel how hot he was. While trying to nurse him he had to take breaks due to a stuffy nose and cough. Unfortunately I had to work all day Friday so Q had to deal with him. With a constant stream of Tylenol, he seemed to do okay.

Saturday M's temp peaked at 102.2. He was ultra miserable, super snotty and all around pitiful. I think I held him for 99% of his wakeful time and by the time bedtime came, I was exhausted. He slept well during the night, for the most part and seemed pretty good today.

This afternoon however he seemed to be running a low fever again. Tylenol and constant nose wiping led to a fussy baby. He went down pretty easily at 8p. I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow. I think we will stick to the house and hopefully M will be better by Tuesday...a busy run around day.

Update on Charlotte

Just wanted to let you know that Charlotte is doing well. She was discharged home on Monday and although her and her parents will have many challenges in the coming months, I'm sure she will thrive.

Right now Charlotte has a colostomy which requires frequent care, but in a few months when she is bigger and stronger she will undergo an additional surgery to reverse the colostomy and hopefully then can be a 'normal' baby.

Keep this family in your thoughts. Send quick healing vibes to them and hope that the upcoming year does not present too many difficulties.

Wordless Wednesday