I'm so Frustrated

I have been researching and looking more into different options regarding adoption. The more I look, the sadder I am. I am angry at how adoption has become a money driven business. I am angry at how many people have their hands in the pot and are trying to make money off the desperation of eager parents. I am angry, that as I look more and more into this world, the more clear it is, that adoption is becoming something that is only open to 'elite' parents. Women, men, couples who are able to pay crazy amounts of money so they may take home a child they so desperately want. It's not fair.

I am a lucky one. I want to adopt more than anything. I have always been driven to adopt. I have wanted to adopt most my life, and had my first adoption attempt worked, I may never has turned to pregnancy as a way to grow my family. But sadly, it is becoming more and more apparent that adoption is not something that is available to me. I am not wealthy, and cannot raise/save/earn enough money to pay for agencies, lawyers, birth mothers, other misc fees. I can give a child a good home with lots of love and support but that's not important. But even if adoption never works for me, I am still one of the lucky ones. I am able, and have conceived three great kids. That is much more than many other women can say.

I am angry and frustrated for myself, but more so for the couples who are infertile and cannot turn to adoption due to costs. It is horribly unfair that people who cannot get pregnant on their own, are also turned away from the possibility of adoption due to money. How is that right? How is it that we have allowed something as awesome as adoption turn into a cash cow for certain people. Why can lawyers charge many thousands of dollars to draw up contracts and paper work? Why can agencies charge huge fees just to find you a baby? Why can birth mothers ask for unreasonable financial assistance with the high risk of them changing their minds in the end?

There needs to be some major reform in adoption. We need to set maximum fees for agencies, lawyers and BM assistance. We need to change it so that couples from all walks of life, who can prove their ability to care for a child, can indeed get one. There should be no one who is kept from the joy, reward, love (and of course chaos) of parenting just because they can't afford it. Adoption just has to change....not for me...but for the childless couples who have no other alternatives

but if I benefit from it too, well that would be nice

What a Horrible Day!

As soon as I woke up Sunday morning I knew it was going to be a bad one. My head KILLED me and I could barely get up. I forced myself through it for awhile. Getting the kids their breakfast, getting them all dressed and ready for the day etc. I was able to push through until about 11am when I had to lay back down.

I took the kids up to M's room and laid down in the bed while they played. I was able to get M to nap for a little while and the twins were really good with just playing or watching TV. At 2p I got back up and made the kids some lunch, diapers changes etc. After that, back to my chair. I couldn't open my eyes the light hurt too much. I sat in that chair until the pain got so bad that I vomited. Another few hours of pain, then M and the twins to bed. Poor kids.

The twins did so well. They understood how much I hurt and did their best to help. After I vomited K brought me the phone and my mom was on the line. K had called her and said that I was sick and not feeling well. Too bad my mom doesn't live closer and could have spent some time here. Poor M of course couldn't understand. My head actually hurt so much sitting up to nurse him hurt, so he had bottles all day.

After the kids went down, I had a hot bath, which helped a little. Then laid down and went to bed. This morning I am soooooooo much better. My whole body aches, but my head is better. Good thing too. Since I was incapacitated the whole day yesterday, I have a lot of catching up to do.

A Nice Day

The weather here was actually quite nice today. We took advantage of that and went to the park. Here are some pictures :0)

Still in a Foul Mood

I wish I would feel better. I have been in a bad mood for over a week now. I am frustrated, stressed, bitchy and unhappy. I don't really know why. At first I blamed it on restarting my period. Then maybe the weather. Now...not sure.

Hopefully those around me haven't noticed too much...although I'm sure they have. I have so many friends with good news lately and I find I can't even be happy for them.

I'm sure it's related to my depression. Maybe I should restart my vitamen D supplements. I don't know. Gotta figure out something to get me out of this funk.

Parent Teacher Conferences

Today I had to meet with both S and K's teacher's. I was hoping for good reports, and gladly, I was not disappointed.

K's teacher says she is a joy to have in the classroom. She is smart and caring. Although she can be shy at times, she has blossomed in the past few months and is an active participant in her classroom. She is able to express herself, share her feelings and emotions. Her physical skills are on target. Cognitively, she is doing great. She has a real desire to learn as well as an amazing memory.

K does need to continue to work on her writing skills. She is a little behind her peers, however, when she started school this September, she had never even made an attempt at writing words or her name. She now is able to identify all her letters and spell her name pretty well. Considering that, I am very happy at where she is.

S's report really impressed me. At home S is my more impulsive, hard to focus child. It's never been a HUGE issue, but I wondered how he did in a classroom. It seems he does great. His teacher mentioned how great he was. He can play independently and with others. He expresses himself well and gets along good with his friends. She says he doesn't need any direction in his stations and does well with picking up after himself. He stands up for himself, and friends. Physically and Cognitively he is right on target without deficits. He is still in speech, but his teacher states that he is really at the appropriate level, which isn't a big surprise since his Speech Teacher already stated she would graduate him from speech this summer.

S's needs revolve around his writing skills as well, but is more behind than K is. He doesn't seem to hold his pencil correctly and gets very discouraged and frustrated when he is asked to write. We will continue to work with S with his fine motor skills and try to get him for comfortable with writing. He is also scheduled to have an OT evaluation just in case there is more to the altered pencil grip. We will all continue to monitor this area.

Overall I am extremely happy and proud with these reports. The twins were never in a daycare setting and I always focused more on play rather than lessons. They have had no previous experience with an academic program and yet they are excelling and meeting almost all the expectations. In just 2 weeks we register for kindergarten. It sounds like everyone...except mommy...is ready.

A Sudden Baby Boom!

Isn't funny how some times it seems that everyone around you is suddenly pregnant. It is true, that when you have frequent thoughts about expanding your own family, that you tend to notice these things more, but really in the last month there have been tons of surprises!

Two of them were announced today.

The first is an awesome surprise. J, my friend who lost her son last May, and then turned to adoption, is leaving today to go and pick up her new daughter. I am beside myself with happiness for her. Her journey has been chronicled in her Blog and I await her update and pictures soon! The family left today, including her three boys and hopefully they will meet the new family member - A GIRL! - tomorrow. I hope to be able to follow in her footsteps :0)

The other was a friend who has had a very difficult year. In early 2010 she lost her mom to breast cancer after a tough battle. Shortly afterward, she left her husband and took her daughter and tried to start new. They had been having a tough time in general and after over a year of infertility, the relationship finally broke. Well today while surfing FB I saw that she announced her pregnancy and I was shocked! After a quick catch up, I found that her and her husband had gone through a lot of tough counseling and that she moved back in with him in November. Surprisingly she quickly became pregnant...proof that stress can definitely effect your fertility. I hope her and her husband continue to repair their marriage and that this baby helps speed along the process.

Early Birthday Celebration

Here are some pictures from S and K's early birthday. They had a good time at Grandma and Grandpa's. More toys to deal with - yeah!


And a final picture of the Mook enjoying his cupcake...yum!

What a Ham!

Today I had a baby play date at the house. There were a total of 9 children. All were born between October 2009 and February 2010. It was the cutest thing ever!

Nine little people. Most of them were walking but all were still walking with that slight 'Drunk' gait. They played together and apart. Snacked on Goldfish Crackers and were just down right adorable.

What was the most interesting, was how Max behaved. At first he didn't seem to sure with what was going on. He just sat an watched. After a few minutes though he warmed up and started making the round and played a little with everyone. Surprisingly, Max loved being the center of attention. He would stand in the middle and babble and scream to everyone followed by laughter. He kept running up the stair of the bunk bed and from the top of the bed would wave and laugh to everyone down below. This was the first time Max has really had a chance to play with kids his own age, and he was loving it.

With this event I totally see just how mischievous Max really is. He feeds of the laughter of others. He is a total 'class clown'. Now I know K is going to give me a run for my money, maybe M will be a close second.

What Would You Do?

I have a friend who has been extremely helpful to me when it comes to N. This friend, G, used to work with me and she was always been very good to me. She is in her mid 60's and have kind of taken on a grandma role with the kids. Every Sunday she comes to the house and picks up N to take her to church and then lunch. It's very nice as it gives me every Sunday from about 9a to 2p without N here. It's also great for N to get out of the house and be with people her own age. I do know however, that being the way N is, she often goes on and on to G about things that bug her. These are all things that are easily solvable and often things that N encourages, but then likes to complain to other people to look like the 'victim'. I have posted before about how N likes people to feel sorry for her, but does nothing to change it. For the most part I think G gets that this is just a personality thing and that N is not really as 'persecuted' as she likes to make others think. Well yesterday I get this email...

"I'm concerned about N still coughing after two months. I know you are busy
with work and 3 kids, so I'll be glad to take her to the doctor, I just don't
know who to call and make her an appointment."

Well, the whole house has been sick since September. I myself coughed constantly from September to January. Her statement about being busy kind if irks me because she knows that while I may be busy, I get everything I need to done. I makes me think like she is saying that I am ignoring N and her needs. Also, N did see a doc in December and nothing was prescribed. On top of that, while N does have a cough, it is transient and really not bad at all. I would say it is mild in severity. I wrote an email back explaining all the above, therefore N didn't need to see a doctor.

So then today this is the email response

" I understand--it was just because she is 85 that I was concerned. You know how fast that age can go downhill. "

Yes, I absolutely know, I am a nurse. I kind of feel like she is insinuating that I can not, or chose not to take care of her as needed. Um, she rarely coughs, her activity is at baseline and she seems fine,; she actually is better now then before so I have no reason to believe that she isn’t on the upswing of what she had.

Am I being overly sensitive? I guess it’s because I have no idea what N is telling her at church. Maybe she tells G that she coughs all the time and I won’t take her to the doctor. IDK. I just feel like this is kind of my business and she needs to butt out

GULP...

So guess what I did today...

I took the plunge and filled out the Foster Parent Interest form and will send it off in the morning. Gulp. I am hoping that they won't turn me down. I have two concerns. First being the fact that I am already the single mom to three children and the second being that we didn't leave on such good terms about 6 years ago.

This is the same agency that screwed me over, and removed my son Zach from my care, turned him over to his dysfunctional parents who then gave him away to someone else. DSS never blinked an eye. Six years ago maybe enough time for them to have forgiven the anger and resentment I shared with them, or maybe not.

Part of me is very nervous. Another child. And not only just another child, but another child with all the aggravation and red tape of a foster to adopt child. Pregnancy almost seems like it would be the lesser of the evils. Maybe I should just go ahead and TTC again. With me, if history repeats, I would most likely be guaranteed a child with TTC. But then there is the thing about really wanting another daughter...which would be a total gamble. So, adoption would really be the best way to go...no repeated cycles of TTC...no 40 weeks of misery...and the ability to limit my requests to a girl.

Even if my request is processed and I can be certified, there is 10 weeks of classes, a home study, backround check, etc, etc. so this is months to a year away. A lot can happen in that time.

I really wish that someone I kind of knew was looking for a good home for their unborn daughter...that would make things so much easier and quicker...but of course nothing is ever too easy for me ;0)

Watch Out!

I will be 100% completely honest. I was a total BITCH today. I woke up in a foul mood and it even with me aware of my mood, and trying to rein it in, I was still miserable.

The twins are back to testing their limits. They seem to get this way every few months. Do everything they are not supposed to, listen to nothing and do whatever it is they feel like it. I don't know what starts it, but I better figure out how to stop it or the three of us won't make it.

It's been starting slowly. Their room has been messier and messier. I tell them to clean it and they say they do, but when I go to check it's a mess. They don't follow the basic rules and literally ignore me when I am talking to them. Even yesterday Q had to call me at home to tell me that S wasn't listening to a thing she was saying and that he was kind of out of control. This morning K went into my makeup and started putting it on her face - including lip stain that has still not come off.

The twins obviously haven't reached the age of figuring out when Mommy is in a bad mood and maybe we should behave better today. Nope. Same testing; same misbehaving. Sad thing is they had a birthday party today. I RSVP'd several weeks ago and those who read this blog know I am OCD about honoring your commitments/RSVP's. So the twins got to go, but again, sucked at listening while there. I'm sure I looked like the crazy mom with three kids because several times one of the kids were yanked to the side and spoken to very sternly. When we came home, the twins were sent to their room and had to sit on the couch. I think they were up there for an hour or two (they were allowed off the couch after about 30 minutes) but they still couldn't watch TV.

Tomorrow we are heading to my parents house. Since my parents are going to Mexico for 2 weeks in February and won't be here for the twins birthday, we are doing a party for them tomorrow. I have already decided that if the behavior hasn't greatly improved tomorrow morning, all their presents will go into the closet until there is a change.

I'm not sure what else to do at this point. Nothing seems to be working. Just need to make it through, like we have the other behavioral blips, and hope this is a short one.

Tooth #7

It came so quietly that I really could have missed it. While M was playing on the floor with his big grin I caught the white little corner. He now has the four teeth on the bottom, this time the one to the right of his two front teeth. Now we need to get the tooth right above this one to gain some symmetry :0)

OMFG

Today has been a bad day.

This morning I woke up and discovered that after one year, one month and five days my period had returned. Sigh. I had sooooo enjoyed the absence and I was dreading this day. I am someone who suffers greatly with my cycle. Heavy flow, severe pain and cramping and I’m sure those around me would say my mood is just peachy. Just a very unhappy person in general. In addition to the symptoms, my thoughts of having a fourth child, where just dreams that could not be acted on. Now, it’s a potential reality. I actually wonder if I sensed that it was coming back because my mind has been racing with the thoughts of a fourth. I have actually posted a few posts about my thoughts and always ended them with, ‘well since I don’t even have my period, it’s not even a possibility right now’. I bet I knew subconsciously I was coming to the time were I needed to decide.

Physically today has been okay. Just some slight body aches and cramping. I am hoping that since I am still breastfeeding the cycles that I have now will be light and a little kinder to me.

My other HUGE issue today has been N. It almost seemed like she decided this afternoon that she was going to push all my buttons. I actually took her out shopping this afternoon and up until then, things were ok. When I served her dinner she sat down and M started to fuss beneath her. She went to pick him up and sit him on the table. I told her ‘no’. She isn’t supposed to be picking up M, there is a hot plate of food on the table, and he doesn’t need to be on the table! She put him down and said ‘I can’t. Mommy said No.’. I looked at her and told her that it wasn’t about me saying no, it was about common sense. A few minutes later she got up and threw most of her dinner in the garbage saying she didn’t like it. It was sweet and sour chicken with rice and pineapple. Maybe if this was the first time she did this, I would have let it slip, but recently she has been doing this a lot. Unless I serve something that is total crap (freezer food, fried food, food that is generally considered unhealthy) she fusses and says she doesn’t like it and throws it away. After she did that I just kind of looked at her and said that I wouldn’t be cooking any dinners anytime soon since she didn’t seem to appreciate them. Right after that, she picked M up, put him on the table and gave him some of her gingerale from her straw (did I happen to mention that she is sick?) I removed the straw from his mouth, put him back on the floor and literally had to scold her like a 3 year old.

A short while later we were all in the living room watching TV. I was drinking my diet pepsi. Let me start by saying that there is nothing that bugs me more than when someone touches my food or drink. This has been the case since I was small, and everyone is well aware. When my back was turned, N picked up my drink and took a sip. As I turned around to see her, she quickly dropped the drink and tried to hide what she had done. OMFG. I wanted to explode! I just looked at her. I was actually speechless. I just shook my head and walked away. I didn’t even know what to say. But this is the clincher...she has the balls to take the drink, which she knows I will no longer touch, and drink the rest of it in front of me. Looking back I should have taken it and dumped it...but like I said, I was dumbfounded.

And this is not dementia people. Patients with dementia don’t try to hide their actions because they don’t know that what they’re doing is wrong or weird. No, N is well aware that what she is doing is unacceptable. She knows it is pissing me off, but she doesn’t care. Lately she is making an issue out of everything (and this could be in some degree be related to her mental illness’) she doesn’t like the food, she fusses that she can’t pick up M, she acts like she is always being persecuted against. She has always been this way, but as she ages and mentally declines, it is definitely accentuated and multiplied in severity.

I think after the pepsi incident she clued in that I was about to snap and she left to go to bed. She will be at church most of the day tomorrow...thank goodness. A few hours I won’t have to deal with her!

Banging My Head Against a Wall

Remember me posting just before Christmas, on how the hospital that K had her surgery at had waived my bill 100% and that I didn't owe a thing. Well guess what? I got a letter from them today saying that they were sending my account to collections because I haven't addressed their last three requests for payment.

So I guess I get to spend a grand old time on the phone tomorrow - while at work - trying to figure out what is going on, and save myself before the account goes to collections or ruins my credit score.

I am going to scream.

Snow Day Number 6

This winter we had now had a total of six snow days. It's been very weird.

The week before Christmas break the kids lost 2 days due to snow. In my opinion, it was a total over reaction and the kids should have gone. Then this week we have missed 4 days. Yep, tomorrow is Thursday and school is canceled. The kids have yet to go this week. Monday was total crap as they canceled school in anticipation of snow...which didn't come until that evening. I'll give them Tuesday and Wednesday as there was a good deal of ice on the roads, but today it got nice and sunny and all the ice melted off the roads. Everything looked fine, but nope, another day home. I say just go ahead and cancel Friday. It's pointless.

The kids will have to make up these days. Their Spring Break has been cut in half and two days have been tacked onto the end of the year. It's a good thing I have made no plans. Many parents are upset but have decided to just take their kids on vacation anyway.

The kicker to it all is that next Monday is a holiday and then next Friday is a mandated teacher workday so they are only in school 3 days next week! With the twins it's not a horrible thing since they are so young, but with the holidays and now all these other days off, they are really falling off their schedules and it will not be an easy transition back.

Picture Share

Nothing Post

Nothing much going on here.

Still fighting with J. She was supposed to come home on Sunday and didn’t. So I guess, like I thought, that her promises to start back to school this semester and finally make something of herself was crap. I got a letter from the DMV today saying that since she didn’t appear at her court appearance - one of the things she ran away from - her license will be suspended in two months unless she fixes everything. Sigh...sometimes I just see her as a lost cause...and I hate that.

Today the twins didn’t go to school. We were threatened with a huge winter blizzard and in true fashion this area has freaked out and closed everything they can. The canceled school for today last night before the first snowflake fell. This morning, still clear. Guess when the snow finally arrived...around dinner time today. So, the kids missed today for no reason at all, and now that there is snow on the ground school is closed again tomorrow. ARGH!! Today and tomorrow will be made up during Spring Break. While this isn’t a big deal for us, since we aren’t traveling, I imagine many parents are now having to re-evaluate their plans.

I guess it’s good that things are fairly quiet. That can be good!

THREE THOUSAND

Ounces of breast milk that is :0) Today 300 more ounces walked out the front door.

The last 600 ounces has actually gone to a different family than the one I had comitted to in the beginning. I had posted how I just felt like my gift wasn't at all appreciated and how my request for $15 to replace the freezer bags was ignored. Well after figuring out that it had cost me about $125 to donate my breastmilk to her, I moved on to another mother who was more appreciative.

I only have about another 300 ounces left. I still nurse Max but only pump while I'm at work, and that doesn't really produce much. So, after this next box I think my donation days have come to an end. It was a good run and one that I am proud of!

Migraines

In the past few months S has occasionally complained of his head hurting. I never paid too much attention to it because it didn't seem to impact his activity and I have migraines all the time, and I thought he might just be saying it because I do.

Well yesterday his school called at 11:30a to pick him up because he had been vomiting. I went and got him. He threw up 2 more times before falling asleep on the couch. He slept for about 3 or 4 hours and when he woke up..he bounced out of the chair, said he was all better and his head didn't hurt anymore. He ate and drank a ton of food right away - despite my telling him not to - but he didn't get sick again and his behavior was completely at baseline.

I would say that these events are very suspicious for a migraine. I get them regularly, but only rarely the severe ones that cause me to vomit violently and confine me to the bed. My mom gets them extremely frequently to the point that she is on preventive meds as well as prescription meds for when the headache hits. In addition, I looked at the profile for the donor and saw that his mother was also a sufferer.

His rapid recovery just seems so unlikely for an illness especially with no after effects like weakness or continued queasiness. He didn't sleep much the night before, since he fought sleep until past 11pm and then had to be up for school. I know for me, lack of sleep is a definite trigger.

He has his yearly appointment in March, and I will discuss this with his ped, but until then I really hope for him that this is going to be a rare occurrence. I can't imagine suffering through migraines at the age of four :0(

Stupid Women and the Men who Love Them

Okay, this will be my last social commentary post. At least for now :0)

On Monday I had two single mom friends come to me for support. One is pregnant and the other was afraid that she was. I think they came to me for sympathy...but as mean as it sounds...I had none.

The first one, D, was over a week late on her cycle and was terrified that she was pregnant. She admitted to having unprotected sex about 2 weeks prior when she would have been ovulating. Seriously. You knowingly have unprotected sex with a casual boyfriend and then you come to me for sympathy that you may be pregnant and how horrible that would be? WTF is wrong with this picture. I know I sound like a total bitch right now, and in some ways I am, but it really irritates me when women knowingly put themselves in vulnerable positions, and then when the worse happens, it's the most horrible thing in the world and expect nothing but support and sympathy from others. D is not dumb. She is an educated professional with one son. She is estranged from that sons father and actually had his right terminated. She should know better.

The second woman is even worse. C has one daughter. Normally C is a 'player'. Commonly dates multiple men at one time, many times being intimate with many of them, and always acts like she's the one in control. Well she did recently decide she liked one guy more than the others and decided to be monogamous with him. Several months ago however, she broke it off and moved. When she moved, he immediately reconnected with an old GF and moved in with her. Well during one of C's visits back home she hooked up with him...unprotected of course...and when she returned home found out she was pregnant. She has now moved back and is trying to make it work with him. He however, is still talking to the GF he re-connected with and going back and forth with her.

C is ok with this, because she did move away. She is going to try and make it work, but she would really like it if he would stop talking to his ex-GF. She likes to blame him for what an ass he is and how horrible her life has become because when she moved back she's now jobless and is dependant on him. And here's the kicker. She is pregnant with twins. So again, I get approached for the sympathy and woe is me card. Um...sorry. You are dumb enough to have unprotected sex with a man who has shown no commitment to you, and then make it worse when you do get pregnant by giving up your life and moving back to him, when he is treating you like crap and still talking to other women...um...nope. Grow a spine and tell him to shape up or ship out!

The reason the situations bother me so much, is they are the stereotypical single mom. People look at them and see single moms as a whole. They represent women in general very poorly as women who don't respect themselves enough to care. They allow themselves to be vulnerable and ultimately dependent on men who see them as items and sex opportunities rather than an equal partner. They have children with these men resulting in a lifetime bond with someone with which you have a dysfunctional relationship. They create drama, chaos and a future generation who is raised within this craziness.

Don't come to me for sympathy. You made your bed...now lie in it.

Double Standards

As a single mother by choice, I am expected to be able to fully care for any child I bring into this world. I must be able to financially, physically and emotional care for and nurture my child(ren) until they are self sufficient. If I so chose to have a child without being able to meet these criteria, then huge judgment is placed upon my decision, and it is seen as a selfish and irresponsible.

So...why can married couples skip all the above requirements and seem to so rarely face any judgment?

I know a couple who practise a movement known as being quiverfull. They basically refuse to use any form of birth control and allow "God" to bless them with all the children they can have. I have no problem with this movement...if you can provide for all these 'blessings' bestoyed upon you. This couple is constantly struggling financially. They receive not only WIC but also foodstamps. The husband treats the wife like property and if you ask me, some stories I have heard make him sound borderline abusive.

I found out today that they are expecting again. They are in their early 20's and this will be their 4th pregnancy. I'm sure they have receive nothing but "congratulations!" and "how exciting!" but why? Why is it okay for them to burden our system? Require tax payers to pay for their choices?

Believe me, I am not saying that government, doctors or any other person should be able to control the reproductive rights of any individual, but when will people see that pregnancy and reproduction is not a right...it's a responsibility.

So, yes. This post in a way is about jealously. I want more than anything to have a fourth child. It kills me every time I try to convince myself that my family is complete and I need to move on. The only thing keeping me from having a fourth is the financial responsibility that I need to consider. There are times I struggle with three children financially and a fourth could make things worse. Right now I rely on no aid or assistance from anyone, but adding a fourth could change that. So I, sacrifice and tell myself that I have to give up on the dream of a fourth child...but all the while looking around at people in the same or worse situation that I am in having no problem continuing to add to their family.

I guess I'm not sure what I want. Do I want more people to consider their ability to care for a child in all aspects before getting pregnant...or do I wish I didn't care and had another child knowing the state would pick up where I can't?

Sigh....

Oh how I wanted my first post of 2011 to be a positive one...but it looks like it won't be so.

I'm going to fore warn you that many of my rants will come across as judgmental, and maybe even offensive to some, but this is my blog and therefor I can type what I want :0)

My Sister J is driving me insane. I used to think she was a lost soul, but now I really think she is nuts. I'm not sure that I mentioned this before, but she is currently 'dating' a guy. I use the term dating loosely because in all honestly, it's more like a booty call relationship. He doesn't comitt to her in any way, and they usually only spend every couple weekends together. Well, J has been having unprotected sex and has basically admitted that she would love to get pregnant. When she does, W (her guy) will totally man up and they will move in together. WTF!?!?! I am beyond angry with her behavior because (1) she is so incredibly immature and any baby that she has right now, I would feel horrible for. And (2) pregnancy may be the least of her worries, when she can't even say 100% that he's only with her.

She has burned all her bridges with everyone. She has no home, no job, no desire to get either one. She lives with different friends until they get sick of her. She finds people to mooch off of for things she wants. My parents are so sick of her that they are basically at the point of turning their back in her. She owes $$$$ to different people (Verizon, Car Insurance, Friends, Parents, Multiple Traffic Tickets) and when the heat was getting too much a few months ago, she ran away to Venezuela to where her biological father lives.

Well, J hasn't been there in probably 10 years so she is this perfect princess to them. She has been spoiled rotten since being there. They treat her like the princess she thinks she is and totally feeds into her mental illness'. A few weeks ago, her dad actually paid for her to have liposuction with body sculpting. Now J isn't as overweight as I am, but definitely over indulges and eats too much/never exercises. So he pays like 5K for this procedure that she didn't need, and that she will eat her way out of in a few months. Even dumber is she is trying to keep this surgery a secret but at the same time posting pics all over her FB account telling people that she worked herself into this shape!

So, yesterday, I find out, that when J asked her dad for this procedure, he told her that if he paid for it, he would be unable to send any money to our brother and his two kids for xmas. This brother (also a total loser) has no job and lives off the system in Canada. So what does she choose...the surgery! So now not only is it a immature and shallow decision, but it also took money from our niece and nephew who really could use it.

Yes, her father is also an ass for letting J choose to get a surgery instead of telling her 'no' and making sure all his kids get taken care of, but this is the man who physically/mentally/emotionally abused me for years, so his judgment really isn't something we can count on.

In addition to all the above, she has sent me multiple messages since being there about how wonderful her father is and how he loves me so much and doesn't understand why I have turned my back on him. He is a wonderful father and she just can't imagine how what I have said about him could possibly be true. Do you know how much something like this hurts? It's like I'm being victimized all over again by him. She has sure been sucked into the shallow and superficial life over there.

Anyway, I just needed to spew that somewhere. I am honestly at the point that I hope she stays over there. Her presence here will just be too chaotic on my parents and myself. I haven't posted everything about her, but with these recent behaviors it is obvious that she more ill/unstable than I previously thought. At this point I feel like shutting the door on her. She is a loose cannon and I don't need my kids to be exposed to that craziness.

Hopefully she will start to see her own behaviors and how they are sabotaging her life. Otherwise it will only get much worse for her.


****And I didn't even get to my other topic to rant about. I will leave it at this tonight, and maybe after a nights sleep won't feel the need to spew again...but don't count on it****