Sending Out Some Hugs

Sometimes it seems that my friend J and I live parallel lives. Our day to day challenges, joys and rewards are so similar. We agree on most things and seems to have very similar approaches to life. She might have two more kids than I do, but I think we share the 'same' life thousands of miles apart.

Things have been knocking her down too. More substantial things. She shares the same financial challenges and the day to day chaos of being the best mom she can be, but on top of that she has had a child in the hospital for weeks now. Work, Hospital, Home. Work, Hospital, Home. Throw in managing the household and day to day activities for the other four kids and I have no idea how she does it. She is, in a word, Supermom.

But all these stessors have taken their toll. She had been working towards adopting a sweet little boy in a Russian orphanage. Her spirit has been battered and she now feels like this door needs to be closed. Yet another similarity we share as I just posted a few days ago that I need to place my adoption plans on hold right now.

While my plan was in the very beginning stages, her's was much further. She had a name, a picture, and a connection. I can imagine how much her heart hurts right now. I am sending her some cyber hugs. I hope that things change and you can return to little N. In the meantime I hope you can find a way to heal and come to peace with your decision.

Back to Worrying

M is now 14.5 months. He has followed in the twins footsteps in that he is speech delayed. The problem is that the twins finally did start with their first words at 13 months. M is still not talking.

I knew it was an issue, but I didn't think it was necessarily a problem, until today. I had a friend who is a speech therapist come and evaluate him today. She is a good friend who has been around since M's birth and had expressed some concerns over M not talking. She came today and did two different speech tests on him. On one he scored exceptionally low - like at the level of a 6 month old. On the other he scored at the level of an 11 month old. So at the very least he is almost 6 months behind where he should be.

More concerning was realizing how behind he was. I knew he didn't speak, but when she asked about babbling and gestures etc, it hit me that he doesn't do that. She was with us for an hour and she heard no real speech sounds. He should have been babbling and making more noises. He wasn't. It also hit me that at one point he did make those sounds and now he doesn't. When he was an infant my family and I used to comment about how vocal he was. About how he would never be delayed because look at how much he 'spoke'. What happened to that boy?

Another thing he used to do is gesture. Wave bye, shake his head 'no', play peek a boo. Not so much anymore. Infact it's usually very hard to get him to do any of these anymore.

So now I sit here worried. I try to figure out when it started to slow down. When did he change? He is an overall happy baby, who is interactive, loves attention and plays all the time with the twins or I. He is able to communicate his needs to me, but he does break down and whine a lot which my friend thinks is out of frustration because he can't speak. He makes good eye contact, loves to be cuddled on and is a very sweet boy. But now I worry. I worry that something more than a speech delay is at play here. Why did he regress? The twins never did that and until today I never realized that M did that.

I think it was around 10 months. In addition to the slow down in speech and gesturing, this was about the time that he went from sleeping through the night to back to up every 3 to 4 hours at night to nurse - which he is still doing. I remember him being sick when the sleeping thing occurred but it was a simple cold and nothing that caused me much concern or even a doctors visit.

I just hope this is a simple speech issue and that there isn't some bigger problem lurking. Anyone who is a mom can understand my feeling of fear/panic/concern/sadness/worry. You never want anything to be wrong with your little ones and when it's all of a sudden brought to your attention...well you begin to feel a little overwhelmed.

Quiet Day

Not too much to share. Considering the past couple weeks, I am more than happy with the quiet.

I get to work tomorrow and then the week does get a little busier. Thursday is the bi-annual consignment sale for the multiples group. I don't have as much to sell as usual, so I'm not looking to make much off it, but maybe I can pick up some summer clothes for the kids at a good price. On Friday I have a Scentsy party. I hope to do well. I only had one party earlier this month, so so-far, not much commission this month. I hope this party will do well enough to give my cut a little bump. I was also able to file my taxes this past weekend - yeah - can't wait for that to come in :0)

I have an aunt and cousin also visiting this weekend. They are staying with my mom, which is nice because then I don't have to deal with constant visitors, but I do get the pleasure of visiting. I haven't seen these relatives in over 2 years so I am looking forward to it.

Final Celebration of the Week

Tonight we got to celebrate my birthday and went out to dinner and came home to cake :) My parents, who had been in Mexico the last 2 weeks, came home yesterday and came by to get their dog. Since the whole family was here, we decided to celebrate together. We all went out to dinner and then came home and had some cake. It was a nice end to a pretty good weekend.

From left to right: J (sister) S, Dad, M, Me, K and the notorious N

Back to reality tomorrow. I have to work :0(

I Just Have to Laugh...

This is how I feel...

Seriously. Enough. I really only can laugh at this point. At least every other day I get something from someone saying I owe them money, something needs to be fixed or another unexpected expanse has come up.

Today I opened my mail to find a bill from the county. They say I never paid my county real estate taxes - the ones paid for by my mortgage company. These taxes were due in August of 2010. This is the first bill and they have added interest. Nice. They want their money + interest NOW!

Yep...just have to laugh!

Shopping Spree ;0)

The twins have been saving up all the money they have been receiving for their birthday. S, who is huge into Imaginext, has wanted some more of the bigger sets and K, well we are never quite sure what she wants at any given time.

They both received a total of $65 so they were able to go on quite the little spree. S got the police robot he had been wanting, two space aliens and then another robot, who was apparently a bad guy.
K wanted 2 Barbies. One was a Ken. This is funny because K has Barbies at home, but rarely plays with them. Today when we got home, she played with them for hours. She told me that she couldn't play with them, without the 'Daddy'. Strange...but totally ok. Infact I am a little excited because I was a HUGE Barbie fan and if she turns into one, I can live vicariously through her!

She also got the Wii game Just Dance 2 which is a lot of fun.


I think both kids did really well and you could tell that they both enjoyed being able to shop with their own money.

Happy Birthday to Me!

LOL, yep. Another birthday. It seems as though this house goes through quite a gift giving run. M's birthday in December, Christmas, then the twins and I in February.

Of course, now that I have kids my birthday isn't really anything special. No big parties or gifts. We had planned on going out to dinner, but even that didn't pan out because I had a headache and didn't feel like dealing with the Saturday night dinner rush...maybe tomorrow :0)

I wanted to do some meaningful, list of 31 things regarding something in my life. But I never really came up with a topic, nor do I have the energy. So I got this off the internet.

1. Who do you want to be tied to for 24 hours? Um...let's say...David Duchovney
2. Who do you blame for your mood today? Life...Hormones...
3. Have you ever seen a random dead body? Yep
4. What should we do w/ stupid people? They usually do more damage to themselves
5. How long do you think you will live? Um..60's
6. What was the first thing you did this morning? Roll over and try to go back to bed
7. The color of carpet in your bedroom? Dark Blue
8. Last person you went out to dinner with? My children
9. Are you spoiled? Absolutely not
10. Do you drink lots of water? Absolutely not
11. What toothpaste do you use? Whatever is on sale
12. How do you vent your anger? I don't, I internalize - part of my problem
13. The last compliment you received? Wow...no idea
14. What are you doing this weekend? Tomorrow...cleaning
15. When was the last time you threw up? A few weekends ago with a migraine
16. Is your best friend a virgin? I doubt I have any virgin friends
17. What theme does your room have? Mess and chaos
18. When was the last time you were at a party? Yesterday!!
19. Are you a mama's child or a daddy's child? Mommy
20. Are you good looking? Nope
21. The last website you visited? Google
22. Who was the last person you took a picture with? My Children
23. Last person you went to the movies with? My Children...see a trend
24. What did you do/will you do for your birthday this year? Today I got my NAP!
25. Number of layers on your bed? I don't understand
26. Is anything alive in your room? Jeeze, I really hope not
27. Today, would you rather go back a week or go forward a week? Back I guess
28. What are you looking forward to right now? My Tax Refund
29. Favorite Drink? Diet Pepsi
30. What was the weather like today? Beautiful! Almost 70 degrees!
31. What do you want for the next year? Contentment

Birthday Party Time!

Another great party! We had the twins 5th birthday party at the same location as M. It's a great location and on Friday evening a great price. The theme was Monsters and I once again bought cupcake toppers and decorated the cupcakes myself. I think the twins and all their friends had a good time.


I can't believe another year is gone...

Ugh...I Have Been Hit by a Truck!

It crept up on me Tuesday night. A little tickle in my throat and the inability to clear it with a gentle cough or sip of water. By Wednesday morning when the alarm went off at 6am, it was certain. I felt miserable. The winter of never-ending illness was at it again and I was sick.

I got myself together and headed to work. See, with my job you have to call out at least 2hours ahead of shift start. Well I start at 7am which means I have to call out by 5am. But my alarm goes off at 6am. See my dilemma. I don't really understand how people make it work, but I guess others have figured it out. In ten years I have probably called out 5 or 6 times...so I do not yet have a system.

I trudged through 12 long, miserable hours and came home. Put the baby to bed. Put the twins to bed. Put myself to bed. As I feel asleep the shaking chills and fever sweats started. I went in and out of sleep for the next few hours. Finally I looked at the clock. 1am. I called out of work, rolled over and went back to bed. Q came at 6:30am, I told her I wasn't going to work and I would be in my room. I checked out and didn't wake again until almost 2pm. When I woke up, I forced myself to rejoin the world of the living.

I think the day of sleep was exactly what I needed. While I am still not feeling well tonight (Thurday) I feel semi normal. What I thought was the flu, really couldn't be because I recovered too quickly, and is more likely a cold that came on hard. I no longer have fevers, chills or aches, but rather just a runny nose and occasional cough. The quick semi-recovery is GREAT since the twins have a birthday party tomorrow and I need to have my game on!

Another One Hundred Seventy Ounces

Another 170 ounces out the door. This makes a total of 3170 ounces donated. Absolutely awesome :0)

I Give Up...

Apparently I have pissed off the universe and I need to suffer. Every time I come up for air, it pushes me back under...one of these times I won't come back up.

Since December I have been fighting with unexpected bills and heavy cost months. December I had M's birthday, Christmas and the surprise of a Septic Tank repair. In January I fought hard. I sold things from around the house. I got rid of things the kids no longer needed. I cut corners and worked a little extra and it looked like it was going to pay off. Then this month. I knew I would have the twins birthday to deal with, and for the most part I was able to get it covered. I had rolled with the punches and was able to come up with what I needed.

Then last Wednesday. Septic Tank broke again. I freaked out, shed a lot of tears, but again get creative, work around some things and this morning I called and paid the bill in full. I 'come back up for air' and within hours get shoved back down.

I was out running an errand and took a wrong exit. While trying to figure out where I was supposed to be going I get pulled over. I had been going 38mph in what I saw was a 35mph road. Well, the signs did say 35mph, but I guess I missed the sign at some point, saying that it was also a school zone during certain hours...the hours with which I was in. At first the officer seemed understanding and acted like he was going to let me off with a warning. Then after he asks, and I tell him my driving record is completely clean, his mood changes and now I have a ticket. $191 worth. Now I need to decide do I pay the fine or do I fight it. If I pay it less money now, but will my insurance be jacked up later....or do I fight it and maybe lose the ticket cost but then incure the legal fees.

The stress is at the point of breaking me. I am so depressed. I cry randomly throughout the day. I feel so down that it's hard for me to get out of bed, or do anything but sit in a chair. I am withdrawing into myself, which is what I do, but I find I am even doing this with the kids. I have trouble just having a conversation. I just don't want to do anything. Any time I try, and come up from the suffocation, my efforts are met with another push under.

So....I give up. I surrender. I am waiving the white flag. I can't do it anymore. Please, just let me breathe.



...Oh, and the county called today and said I needed to attend the information classes for foster to adopt next month. I think it was been made utterly clear that right now I can't even think of this...so on the back burner it goes.

5 Years Ago Today....

I was granted the only true wish I ever had in life....being a mother. At 1:01p and 1:03p S and K made their appearance into the world.

It has been the most wonderful/rewarding/loving/happy/special/awesome/energetic/chaotic/stressful/worrisome/tiring thing ever and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I really think that my only purpose, my only desire and the one thing I do right more than wrong is being a mom. I can't imagine life any other way.

I was given the most amazing gift of these two beautiful beings five years ago. I work hard to continue to be worthy of them. To do right by them. To help them grow into the amazing people I know they have within them.

Happy Birthday S and K! Mommy loves you!!!

Today Was a Beautiful Day....

So we spent it the best way we knew how :0)

A Difficult Week

This last week was a tough one. I felt like I was emotionally sucked dry by Wednesday and I still had two 12h shifts to get through.

The week started off with a bang - working 10 hours on Sunday and then 6 hours of meetings on Monday. Monday night was extremely difficult for me. I had a dinner with the moms of multiples group. This group used to be a great source of support for me. I used to have good friends in this group. I don't feel that way anymore. I feel like I have been shut out. Two people who I thought were friends didn't say one word to me the entire meal. Nothing. I spent the meal fighting back the tears that started flowing on my way home.

I also question my involvement in the club. I served as president for two years and served many other roles during that time. During that time I communicated constantly with the group. I always checked with the VP before making any decisions. We probably spoke at least every other day. Well we switched positions, I am now the VP and she's the Pres. Do I hear anything - nope. When do I find out about events...the same time the rest of the club does, with an email or newsletter. Plans and events being made without any my consideration. Several times after everything is announced I question something about it and I can tell from the repsonse that I am being seen as a pain. Well ya know what...if I could have been part of the discussion during the planning, I wouldn't have to say anything once it's been implemented.

I pretty much stayed to myself Tuesday and then Wednesday hit. When I went to go pick up the twins from school I could hear water gushing in my yard. I went to look and sure enough my pump had broken again. Some may remember I had to have it repaired in December and since it broke again I was certain I would have to replace the whole thing. Money is so freaking tight right now with everything going on and I just sat there looking at all this water and thinking where am I supposed to come up with $1000-$2000. Again...tears.

We went to the circus that night since the kids were excited and the tickets already paid for. Q and her son came with us which was nice. While it was a good show and the kids did enjoy themselves I was really too drained to be there. It didn't let out until 10p!! Got home, kids to bed and went to sleep.

Thursday and Friday were two long days at work. Thursday my bosses knew something was up and pulled me into their office. The asked me what was wrong and I just broke down, sobbing in the office. I guess I can deal with so much continued stress everyday, but this pump thing just sent me over the edge. I couldn't deal anymore. Luckily my bosses are friends (as much as you can be friends with your bosses) and they were very supportive and encouraging.

The service people came out to the house Thursday and found that it was a simple repair - THANK GOODNESS - and fixed it. I got the bill today and while it's still a stress, I will be able to pay it in full. I can't wait until my damned refund gets here and takes some of this stress away.

Today we spent the whole day in pj's. M actually went to bed in the same pj's he woke up in. We all napped and I didn't lift a finger all day. It was kind of nice to have a day like this. Tomorrow I will have to get back to reality and start cleaning this house, doing the laundry and getting back to everything else I have to do. Next week is the twins birthday and birthday party so I am REALLY hoping it's a good one. I don't want to be stressed and depressed when it should be a time of celebration.

Wordless Wednesday

Pictures

Tonight I had fun playing with the boys. It melts my heart to see S and M play together. S loves his little brother so much and M looks up to his big brother. It is awesome to see :0)

And where was K. Well she was sent to her room for not finishing her dinner and fell asleep. I hope she doesn't wake up later tonight and then stay up into the wee hours of the morning.

Tired

I am tired of trying. I am tired of figuring out what is wrong with me. I am tired of being with a group of 'friend's' and yet feeling so alone. I am tired of the isolation and betrayal.

I am done.

She's a Big Girl Now

K had her first 'drop off' party today. Every party until now has been for a child of a friend of mine. They have all been for both S and K and I have stayed with this. Today was a new day.

With the twins now being in school and their own class, I knew this day wasn't far. K was invited to a tea party Birthday for one of her friends. This family lived on the opposite side of town - I'm not sure why on earth they go to K's school! - and I had never met them. When I called to RSVP the mom told me I was welcome to stay, which put me at ease, but I explained to her that that would mean two extra children as well, and I didn't want to impose.

So this evening I dropped K off at her party. She was all dressed up in a pretty dress for tea. She was excited to do something that S was not. I left my name and cell number with the mom just in case and off I went. So S wouldn't feel left out, me and the boys went to McD for dinner for a "Mom and Boys" night. We sat and hung out. S thought it was funny when I tried to make conversation with him. He told me that we didn't need to talk.

When we picked K back up she had a good time. There were many kids there and other parents who I had seen at the school dropping kids off. I am glad she went. I am glad I let her go and didn't let my mom paranoia get the best of me. Another big step in the growing up process.

Starting to Wonder What's Up

Since having Max it seems as though many of my friends have had extremely rare, difficult and traumatic pregnancy experiences. It makes me wonder if this is a trend in general lately, or if I seem to have a handful of very unfortunate friends.

It actually started when I was pregnant. K, who was about 10 weeks ahead of my had her daughter at 25 weeks. Her daughter lived for a little over 2 months, but eventually succumbed to infection. After that I had a few friends experience miscarriages, but sadly this isn't all that unusual.

Then of course the horrible loss of J's son at 30-ish weeks gestation. A random event turned her world upside down. But in happier news she has since been blessed with a beautiful adopted daughter.

Again another group of miscarriages including two friends who lost twin pregnancies, one as late as 18 weeks. Even outside the 'friend' category I had multiple internet acquaintances who were struggling with losses, illness and stillbirth.

I had been wracking my brain about a week or two ago, trying to think of a friend who had had a successful pregnancy outcome, but couldn't think of one. And then yesterday found out that a friend of mine who was pregnant had to have her baby via emergency c-section last week. She was 34 weeks and started to have an abruption. Once the baby was delivered they discovered something far more concerning. She had a massive tumor in her liver. This little princess, E is now in a NICU. Her liver is failing, she can't eat. Her heart is failing because it's working too hard. Her case is so rare there are only a handful of cases documented in the US. If the doctors can successfully treat her, the chance for a full and life long recovery are good, but we need to find that treatment plan.

I really hope this trend stops. I have one friend who is pregnant right now and a handful of others who are also pregnant. I am hoping beyond hope that I start hearing announcements of beautiful, healthy babies and no more shocking news of sickness and tragedy. I often think of how amazingly lucky I am that all three of my babies are here and came into this world with relative ease. Sometimes I think this whole pregnancy/birth thing is one big game of Russian Roulette and that I have beat the odds. Maybe I should quit now while I'm ahead.

I'm in so much trouble with this one...

February 1st

The start of a new month. This month I will try my best to get out of this funk that has consumed me for several weeks now. Enough is enough. No more. Things will get better.

This month is a busy one. Activities almost everyday. We have a night at the circus, Scentsy parties, some nice dinners with friends....and most importantly this month the twins turn five (EXCITING!) and I turn 31 (not nearly as exciting).

Hopefully we will all have lot of fun this month. I have a feeling I will stay rather tired, but it's a good kind of tired when the energy is spent with the kids during memorable events.

Stay tuned. I'm sure we will have lot of pictures and stories.