I Give Up...

Apparently I have pissed off the universe and I need to suffer. Every time I come up for air, it pushes me back under...one of these times I won't come back up.

Since December I have been fighting with unexpected bills and heavy cost months. December I had M's birthday, Christmas and the surprise of a Septic Tank repair. In January I fought hard. I sold things from around the house. I got rid of things the kids no longer needed. I cut corners and worked a little extra and it looked like it was going to pay off. Then this month. I knew I would have the twins birthday to deal with, and for the most part I was able to get it covered. I had rolled with the punches and was able to come up with what I needed.

Then last Wednesday. Septic Tank broke again. I freaked out, shed a lot of tears, but again get creative, work around some things and this morning I called and paid the bill in full. I 'come back up for air' and within hours get shoved back down.

I was out running an errand and took a wrong exit. While trying to figure out where I was supposed to be going I get pulled over. I had been going 38mph in what I saw was a 35mph road. Well, the signs did say 35mph, but I guess I missed the sign at some point, saying that it was also a school zone during certain hours...the hours with which I was in. At first the officer seemed understanding and acted like he was going to let me off with a warning. Then after he asks, and I tell him my driving record is completely clean, his mood changes and now I have a ticket. $191 worth. Now I need to decide do I pay the fine or do I fight it. If I pay it less money now, but will my insurance be jacked up later....or do I fight it and maybe lose the ticket cost but then incure the legal fees.

The stress is at the point of breaking me. I am so depressed. I cry randomly throughout the day. I feel so down that it's hard for me to get out of bed, or do anything but sit in a chair. I am withdrawing into myself, which is what I do, but I find I am even doing this with the kids. I have trouble just having a conversation. I just don't want to do anything. Any time I try, and come up from the suffocation, my efforts are met with another push under.

So....I give up. I surrender. I am waiving the white flag. I can't do it anymore. Please, just let me breathe.



...Oh, and the county called today and said I needed to attend the information classes for foster to adopt next month. I think it was been made utterly clear that right now I can't even think of this...so on the back burner it goes.