Half Way There

Today I am 20 weeks pregnant...half way there. It's been a rough 20 weeks and I'm sure the next 20 will bring the same. I am sort-of looking pregnant. By that I mean if I wear the right maternity short or what not but for the most part...I think I just look fat.

I was thinking last night about how I haven't really bonded or connected with this baby. Part of me thinks it may be because I how crappy I feel. But that doesn't really make sense as I think I bonded with the twins pretty early and they actually made me feel much worse. Another thing could be my disappointment with the gender. I still get down sometimes over this. I am part of a due date group. There are 10 or so of us and so far me and another mom are the only two with boys...everyone is having girls and I have to admit...each time a 'girl' announcement is made...I get a little jealous.

But even with those reasons, I think the issue may be deeper. When I was pregnant with the twins I lived mostly in the 'real world'. I didn't belong to online support groups or mothers boards. I pretty much only knew what was around me, only things from personal experience. Well since the twins birth, and obviously this pregnancy, my live is definitely more consumed by online life. I think this is what has affected me. And I'll tell you why....

• On my single mother board there have been two infant losses. One at about 23 weeks and one at full term.
• On my local mommy board there have seen a few preterm infant losses.
• A coworker had her baby about 3 weeks ago at 24 weeks. She was only 14oz and unlikely to survive
• This morning a mom in my multiples group email me to say that at 24 weeks she went into preterm labor and lost both her sons.

I guess I can't help but feel like maybe I need to stay disconnected to protect myself. Maybe once I get to 24...28 weeks I will allow myself to connect or bond? I actually bought a Doppler a few months ago and every night I check to make sure there is still a heartbeat...this was never a real concern with the twins. Or maybe it's a combination of feeling crappy, being disappointed and knowing so many lately that have lost their precious little ones.

I have a name for my son. I have for awhile and yet I do not refer to him with it. I have had some fun with purchasing clothes, nursery items, cloth diapers and such for him...but they are all still in the bag. By this time with the twins, there entire nursery was done.

So I guess my challenge to myself in the coming weeks will be to bond with my son. Allow myself to open up to him and know that my chances for losing him are so very small. Try to start painting, decorating and registering for his arrival this December. And maybe even start referring to my little one by his name...Max Gr*yson

Update....

I am fine :) My leg is sore and scabbed up, but otherwise I'm good. Trying my best not to do that again!

This week has been ok. Work is nice because I'm in the office this week. No dealing with patients, doctors or co-workers :) Looking forward to tomorrow afternoon when I'm done work for 5 days!!

OUCH!

Well today I did something dumb and painful. While unloading the groceries I fell down my front stairs onto the gravel driveway. My left leg took the brunt of my fall and boy does it hurt! I think what happened was I thought I was at the bottom of the flight and actually still had a stair or two.

Could have been much worse. I need to pay more attention to things. Hopefully the leg will heal quickly.

UP

I took the twins to see UP today. It took us long enough but we got there :)

It was a very cute movie. A few parts that were sad and beyond anything the twins could understand, but a cute movie nonetheless. My favorite were the dogs. The creators did a good job portraying them...not matter how smart they are...a squirrel or ball will distract them in an instant!

Feeling pretty good today. Twins were pretty well behaved. I guess it was a good day all around :)

Wow! Look at my Virtual Fetus :)

I am amazed to see how my little ticker thing-a-ma-gig changes from week to week. I remember in the begining when it was this alien, bean looking thing that was barely reconizable and now it's this little baby...awe...pregnancy hormones :)

Anyway, just noticed how much it's changed with my last post and decided to mention it :)

Ugh....Sucky Saturdays

So...are Saturday's going to be a horrible day for me now?

The day started out okay. The twins let me sleep in a bit and take my slow time to get ready. We then headed over to Babies R Us to buy Baby a new crib set. I am pretty set on this, but it was being discontinued. I bought all the needed parts now so that I didn't miss out and now I have 90 days to be 100% sure that it's what I want.

I think it's cute. I have noticed that most the boy's sets are this blue and brown or green. I have seen some cute prints (some I actually like better than this) but all in the green color and I just can't fall in love with green. Almost everything else is this color scheme and either very modern or with puppies. So right now, this is baby's new bedding.

We then went to Target were I picked up some great deals on toys. They had a bunch 50% off and with the kids already invited to 5 birthday parties! Then a kick stop for lunch and then home.

Then after sitting for a few minutes...I felt it. A migraine. I decided it was nap time, hoping that sleep would shake the pain and I could return to normal. I woke up with no such luck. I sit here with my head still hurting and the urge to vomit. I fear what is to come as so far this is the same course of events of last weekend. I can only hope and wish that it doesn't continue along the same path. Early to bed tonight!!

Back to 'Normal'

Pregnant normal anyway :)

I am starting to think that last week was just too much for me. Very little sleep, no resting and just the extra stress of having everyone around I think wore me out and my body reacted badly to it.

I started to feel better yesterday and I think my parents being around has helped. They did several things around the house that have been neglected as well as mowed the grass (I won't even say how long it's been since I did that)

I am still pukey and tired...but at my normal levels. Work today was tough but I felt okay. The meds seem to be working again, so I have been able to eat...which is always nice :)

So onto a more tolerable pregnancy, remembering that I need to take care of myself or else the consequences could be severe.

Some Relief if on the Way

Today, although better as far as the migraine is concern, is still been difficult. Very tired and wiped of any energy. I still don't have the strength to keep up with the twins and thankfully my parents are on the way.

They live about 4.5 hours from here so they didn't arrive until nearly dinner, but their presence will help tremendously. The twins can go to them with their wants and needs and I can stay in bed...which I plan to do.

I have to go back to work Wednesday so I hope whatever this is...it passes quickly.

I Think I am Dying

I am so sick. I have a horrible migraine and have been vomiting all day. It started yesterday with the start of the migraine and the twins being evil demons. I went to bed hoping that today would be a new day, but unfortunately I was wrong.

This migraine has been off the charts with pain. Like the two I had in the spring before getting pregnant with crippled me and kept me in bed all day. I had to call my sister and have her come over to cook the kids dinner, watch them and put them to bed. It's the first time ever I just had to give up and have someone else parent my children.

I hope this is a fluke and unrelated to the pregnancy. I am not sure how I will cope another 23 weeks if this is my new reality.

And the Peace Returns...

J and her group left this morning. Although it was crazy and chaotic to have so many in the house I really had a good time. I wish she could have stayed longer but even better I just wish she lived close by. To have another SMBC who shares the same interests, with kids my twins age, who is truly a friend would be so wonderful!

I will definitely have to meet up with her one day. I have no idea when that would be now that a new baby is coming, but I will need to work on it.

I hope J has a good trip back. It's 18 hours of driving so who knows how long with all the stops and delays. She plans on being home tomorrow evening.

Friday

This was my most anticipated day as it was the day of my BIG ultrasound!

The twins were so excited yesterday to be getting a chance to see pictures of their baby today. Of course once we got to the office K was bored and S was upset because he thought we were going to take the baby out.

My US was at 10a but I don't think they took us back there until about 10:20a. The tech did all the measurement things first. J came with us and we laughed because she said other than bones, she couldn't tell anything. Before we even got to the big reveal I said that I had thought I had seen a penis a few times. Well I was right. This Christmas I will be getting a brand new son :) Just like everything and everyone said.

When we were done we headed to the mall and did some shopping at Carters, OshKosh and The Children's Place. Now that was fun!

I think I have pretty much decided on a name, but I want to have it for a week or two before I announce it.

Otherwise we didn't do too much as J is leaving tomorrow and needed to get organized.

Thursday

Today was our most anticipated day. A whole day at the WATER PARK!! I think this is the only reason the triplets came :) I hadn't been here in years and the twins have never been. Again we joined C and her twins. All the kids had a blast.

The triplets pretty much went out on their own, hitting all the big slides and attractions. We stuck to the kiddie pool at first which had a big pool but also had some great slides. Most of the kids loved the slides except K and Ba. They both went down once and decided it was not for them. We then headed over to the wave pool where most the kids loved being crashed by waves. S loved the waves but stayed pretty close to 'shore' while they terrified K so we sat and watched everyone else have fun.

I think all the mommies and kids loved the lazy river. We got to lounge in tubes while a current pushed us through a small river type thing. All the kids were contained and us moms could rest :) Then C suggested we all go on a water slide that would be fine for the kids - yah right. Once we got to the top I knew the twins were going to freak. S surprisingly did well and actually asked to go again while K screamed the whole way down and immediately said she did not like the slide at all!

My twins and I headed back to the kiddie section where S quickly fell asleep. We hung out and waited for the others. Can you believe we were there from 10a to almost 5p! I didn't think we would last near that long but we did. We packed up 9 wet and tired kids. When we got home J put her twins to bed and we went out to dinner at Logan's. While I still had to take my twins, it was a very relaxing dinner.

Wednesday

I had to work again today but luckily I was able to find someone to come in early. I was able to get home about noon.

We made plans to meet up with C again at the Children's Museum. All six toddlers were becoming fast friends and seemed to get a long well. They all had fun terrorizing all the areas of the museum and letting go of some of their energy.

For dinner tonight we kept it simple and did a big spaghetti dinner with salad and garlic bread. YUM!

Tuesday

Well today was sucky because I had to work :( I left poor J with 7 kids as she told me weeks ago to cancel my babysitter for the week. I wonder if she regrets that decision now :)

While I was at work, C brought J to the Science Center in town. All the kids seemed to have a good time. They didn't venture outside to the zoo for long because I think J and C were having trouble containing the 6 toddlers.

When I got home we all headed to my favorite Mexican restaurant. I called ahead and asked for a table for 13...9 of those being kids!!! I can't even imagine the sense of fear that person had. When we got there we were put in this corner away from the other diners - I can't blame them one bit! In a way that helped because we weren't worried all the time that our brood would harass other people.

Monday

Today we had 2 goals. Lunch at Chick Fil A with a few friends of mine and to have portraits taken at the park. We did pretty good :)

Although most my friends bailed on us, J and I met C with her twins for lunch. Our group took up a whole section at CFA and I think we were there for almost 2 hours. All three sets of twins are within a year and a half of eachother so it was very cute seeing all of them together. I can't even imagine what other must have thought looking at us.

Later we met a photog friend of mine who has taken many pictures of the twins in the past. She was up for the challenge of 2 sets of twins and triplets. I think she got many great photos and I can't wait to see them all. We did get a sneak peek and by far, J and my favorite is this one! I am pretty sure that will end up in an 11x14 somewhere!

And So the Chaos Begins...

J and her brood arrived a little after one this morning. She was making pretty good time until about 20 miles from here when she sat in traffic for 2 hours after an accident!! How freaking frustrating.

K fell asleep waiting but S was wide awake when they arrived. We chatted for a bit but then headed to bed. J's twins slept with the twins in their room; Ta slept with her mom in the guest room and the boys slept on the couch in the living room. I don't think there was a room in this house without a body in it :)

Once we all woke up we decided it was going to be a nice, quiet day. No plans, just hanging out. The twins all seemed to get along well and the triplets watched TV or played video games. We all had a nap and then a cookout for dinner. Overall it was a good calm day, but of course I had to cause problems with a migraine and vomiting. UGH.

I May Have a Problem...

In about 2 weeks, when I have my anatomy scan, if all is well I will be looking to unload my last 6 vials of my donor. I am doing this for several reasons - the money is needed, but also I need to remove any temptation I may have in a few years to have more. I cannot afford to have another nor is it fair to get pregnant again with as sick as I get. So...decision made.

Here's the problem. There were a few families who were interested in the vials while I was TTC. I told all of them that I would get back to them once I got pregnant. Well I guess two of them thought that meant they were theirs and are now asking how I want to go about selling the vials to them...YIKES! I don't want to piss either of them off and lets face it...while some people see these as vial, us parents see them as our future babies so I am going to be walking on some pretty thin ice.

Here are the perspective families.

Family One: Currently Mom A has two children with this donor.
She conceived the first two children with her partner. When I was TTC they wanted them for more children. Well when Mom A contacted me she mentioned that she had left her first partner, had met a new woman and they had been married in Vegas - WTF!? How can all of that happen in 6 months? But anyway, this is the story. Mom A wants another baby with new wife but same donor.

Family Two: Currently No Children with this Donor...but very confusing story...so try and keep up :)
Mom A was with Mom B and had a baby (with my donor). When baby was one, mom A kicked mom B out and no longer allowed her contact with the baby. This devastated mom B and she eventually found me because I run an online group for my donors recipients. So now mom B is with mom C and they want to have babies with my donor. I guess this is mom B's way of gaining the lost child she had with mom A. So now mom B and mom C want to both eventually become pregnant with my donors babies.

So...what in hell do I do? I'm hoping one backs out because of the financial cost...but who the hell knows. Both people want to start new families. And as much as I shouldn't see it this way, I do see these vials as children, in fact, my children's future half-siblings. Ugh...the difficulty!

Warning...

This joke is probably in pretty poor taste, considering the man hasn't even been buried yet...but I thought it was pretty damned funny!!

At 5:15 am, Thursday, June 25th, 2009, Farrah Fawcett passes away after a long battle with cancer. Shortly after she arrives at the Pearly Gates and meets with Saint Peter.Saint Peter said, "Farrah, you are truly an Angel and before you pass through these gates, I offer you one wish."Farrah said, "Saint Peter, I want safety and security for all the children of the world."Three hours later, Michael Jackson is dead.

Just Realized...

While I was responding to another post, I remembered that it was July 4th 2005 when I got my BFP with the twins. Wow...4 years ago today my life changed forever. I was pregnant for the first time. I had finally started the family that would be mine, the one no one could step in and take. Of course, at that time I only imagined having one and assumed I would be delivering around March 11th. How much would change over the next 36 weeks.

So I guess July 4th can have a very special, personal meaning for me too.

Happy Fourth of July!

After quietly celebrating Canada Day just this past Wednesday (July 1st) it is now time to celebrate Independence Day. Although each country has their pros and cons I really can't say that one is any better than the other. Maybe if you're looking for something very specific, there would be a better choice, but for a middle of the road person like me, there's no difference.

I am still Canadian, and will forever be. No offense to the US, which will most likely always be my home, but I do have a birthplace connection to Canada, which I want to keep. Of course my children are American, but I will be getting their Canadian citizenship as well, once this next child is born. The kids will be able to have dual citizenship and this may open some doors to them in the future...who knows?

Today we are laying low. It's the afternoon and I'm still in my PJ's :) At some point I will get dressed and take the kids to go see the fireworks. I really don't want to, but of course I can't let the kids down.

Sometimes My Job Really Sucks!

Today I was witness to something I hope I never have to comprehend or personally understand.

I had a 25yo patient today. I had to sit next to the doctor while he explained to the patients mother that it was time to make him a No Code and focus on comfort. In this doctors opinion, this young man only has 2 to 3 weeks left before the cancer that invades his body, takes his life.

His mother was so incredibly strong. She barely shed a tear as the doctor went over the scans. The CT that showed huge melon sized tumors that had taken over his abdominal cavity. She just sat and nodded her head, acknowledging her understanding of the situation and her agreement of the doctors suggestions. She was basically working out the final details of her sons death and was able to handle it with such grace.

I later heard her talking to her two daughters about their brothers fate. They both did not handle the news well and leaned to their mother for strength. She selflessly said that although this patient was her son, that he was suffering, and she did not want to see that any more. The girls held onto her tight and then wiped the tears from their faces, composed themselves and went to see their brother.

This family is so strong. They are holding it together for their unfortunate brother who is succumbing, at such a young age, to testicular cancer. I hope they can continue to draw strength and love from each other once this young man has passed. I have a feeling that his mother, who is so incredibly poised right now, will be the hardest to fall.