I was thinking last night about how I haven't really bonded or connected with this baby. Part of me thinks it may be because I how crappy I feel. But that doesn't really make sense as I think I bonded with the twins pretty early and they actually made me feel much worse. Another thing could be my disappointment with the gender. I still get down sometimes over this. I am part of a due date group. There are 10 or so of us and so far me and another mom are the only two with boys...everyone is having girls and I have to admit...each time a 'girl' announcement is made...I get a little jealous.
But even with those reasons, I think the issue may be deeper. When I was pregnant with the twins I lived mostly in the 'real world'. I didn't belong to online support groups or mothers boards. I pretty much only knew what was around me, only things from personal experience. Well since the twins birth, and obviously this pregnancy, my live is definitely more consumed by online life. I think this is what has affected me. And I'll tell you why....
- On my single mother board there have been two infant losses. One at about 23 weeks and one at full term.
- On my local mommy board there have seen a few preterm infant losses.
- A coworker had her baby about 3 weeks ago at 24 weeks. She was only 14oz and unlikely to survive
- This morning a mom in my multiples group email me to say that at 24 weeks she went into preterm labor and lost both her sons.
I guess I can't help but feel like maybe I need to stay disconnected to protect myself. Maybe once I get to 24...28 weeks I will allow myself to connect or bond? I actually bought a Doppler a few months ago and every night I check to make sure there is still a heartbeat...this was never a real concern with the twins. Or maybe it's a combination of feeling crappy, being disappointed and knowing so many lately that have lost their precious little ones.
I have a name for my son. I have for awhile and yet I do not refer to him with it. I have had some fun with purchasing clothes, nursery items, cloth diapers and such for him...but they are all still in the bag. By this time with the twins, there entire nursery was done.
So I guess my challenge to myself in the coming weeks will be to bond with my son. Allow myself to open up to him and know that my chances for losing him are so very small. Try to start painting, decorating and registering for his arrival this December. And maybe even start referring to my little one by his name...Max Gr*yson
1 comments on "Half Way There"
Well, his Auntie Jen in Texas calls him by his name! PLEASE let me know when you are POSITIVE that this is his name as I will order it for his nursery. Let's get those letters up and it will feel even more real when you see it every day...My arrival gift to you and Max that will just come BEFORE his arrival!
And, I understand what you are dealing with to a certain degree. I felt the same with with B & B. No matter how many times I was told that they were OK, I was not going to believe it until I saw it with my OWN eyes! So, until I looked at those PERFECT spines myself, it just was NOT real. Then, LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT!!! :)
(((((HUGS)))) It is NOT easy!
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