No Good, Horrible, Very Bad, Day

I think the non stop pace from the last week and the nightly 3-5 hours of sleep caught up with me today. Today was a bad day to be a mom, especially a single one.

The kids all woke up this morning at 9-ish which you think would have left me feeling pretty good with being able to sleep in, but once I got up, it was obvious today was going to be hard. I couldn't keep my eyes open. Everything I did was a struggle. I ached all over and if I wasn't in motion, my eyes were heavy. I pretty much spent the morning in my chair holding Max and sleeping every time Max napped. In between our naps, I felt like I was in a zone.

At 2p I went back upstairs for an afternoon nap with M. We slept 2.5 hours and then M wanted to be nursed again. While nursing I struggled so hard to stay awake...and couldn't.

Right now I am more awake...but it's still a struggle. I made dinner and bathed myself and the kids. Hopefully I'll be putting M to bed soon and then maybe start to unwind for the night. I really hope tomorrow is a new day!

Some Twin-isms

The twins have been saying some pretty funny stuff lately. Here is a sample :0)

- While trying to find something to watch, I landed on a show that S thought was a little too scary for him. His comment to me...

"Mama, it not healthy for me to watch this show."

- After asking K to just stop talking to me because I needed some quiet time, I overheard her talking to S.

"S, we need to find a new mommy. One that is nice and likes my talking."

- I was asking K which restaurant she thought grandma would pick for her birthday lunch, her response

"I don't know...she's YOUR mother" And you have to imaging this with head shake, rolling eyes and total toddler attitude.

Good Bye LOST...you SUCK!

So I finally caught up on all my LOST episodes and watched the finale tonight. Wow...how disappointing that was. 6 years spent trying to figure out what everything was about, why certain things happened and who all these people really were. Sadly, I still don't know any of it.

For years people have been saying that the island and these flashes represented heaven/hell/purgatory and the LOST writers have adamantly denied it. Really. Well I guess they were full of shit because that's exactly were they went, and I read tonight that the finale was written at the same time the pilot was, so they knew all along this was their end.

I also feel like the writers tried to pull a fast one. Let's give the viewer a ton of beautiful, emotional and joyous reunions between key players and maybe they won't notice that we have explained nothing. Lets give them a vague enough episode that the viewer can basically 'create' the ending they want and leave satisfied.

Well this viewer didn't bite. This viewer is pissed. Even though I know it was a long shot, this viewer expected more.

For My Dear Friend

It was wonderful seeing you today. It felt so good to see you smile. You are still always on my mind and in my heart.

Saw this poem today and immediately thought of you...

Butterfly Poem:
A butterfly lights beside us
like a sunbeam,
and for a brief moment,
it's glory and beauty belong to our world
But then it must fly again.
And though we hate to see it go,
We feel so blessed to have seen it.

The Breast Pump Bomber

When planning my trip to Canada yesterday one of the challenges was pumping breast milk. I knew I couldn't go all day without pumping, and I also knew that I did not want to dump everything I pumped. I printed out the guidelines from the TSA website which stated that there was no limit on the amount of breast milk I carried whether or not I had an infant with me.

When I checked into the first airport and went through security, they looked at it funny even though before I put the bag on the conveyor, I told them what they'd be looking at. My bag was pulled for a manual search. The officer took this fabric swatch and rubbed the entire bag with it and then ran it through a machine to test for explosives. Well thank goodness I passed.

I had to go through security again on the way home. Again I declared the pump, and also the now 20 ounces of pumped breast milk. The scanned the bag and freaked out. Not at the breast milk, but crazy me, I had a jar of peanut butter and a container of honey in my bag. They were both newly bought and sealed but were a STRICT no-no. Since I'm a cheap skate, I refused to throw the items away so I needed to check my one bag. Stupid rules.

Gosh, I need to search google and see which explosive I can make with those two ingredients.

So Freaking Busy

I have had a few super busy days and I am beyond glad that they are behind me.

Monday:
K got her cast off. She was super excited, not as much about getting the cast off, as much as the ability to get back into the bathtub! When we got home I think she spent 2 hours in the tub. S and I got our hair cut. He just got a trim while I chopped off 11 inches. As usual, I hate it, but it will grow back.

Tuesday:
After gymnastics and speech we came home and napped which was a bad decision as I had a million things to do for Wednesday. We also woke up super late...which lead to stress. At about 6p we packed up the car and headed to grandma and pop-pop's for a two day sleep over. My attempt at packing lightly wasn't successful.

Wednesday:
DAY FROM HELL
I woke up at 4:30a and headed for the airport. First flight left at 7a and after a short lay-over I landed in Buffalo at about 11a. Picked up the rental car and headed for Canada. Spent a few hours there picking up some Canadian goodies for some friends, eating lunch and killed some time. Went through immigration to renew my work VISA. This was about the easiest time I had with immigration. I lucked out and got a friendly officer! Headed back to Buffalo to wait on my flights back home. Arrived home at 11p and due to this States complete inability to plan road construction and detour planning, it took me over 2 hours to get back to my parents home when it should have taken me 50 minutes. Got in at 1:30a and collapsed into bed.

Thursday:
Woke up early with the kids. Spent the morning packing up the kids and trying to tidy my parents home a little. Took my mom out to lunch for her birthday and then high tailed it back home to make a 3p appointment that I had. Currently my house is a wreck. Suitcases haven't been unpacked and everything is disorganized.

And I'd like to say that I'll get to rest tomorrow....but nope....an early morning play date that I am hosting, renewing my driver's license and then I get the added benefit of working this weekend.

Maybe I'll rest on Monday.

Gymnastic Exhibition

The twins had their end of year gymnastics exhibition today. K was sad that she couldn't take part, but the instructors were nice enough to let her sit with the group in the staging area and then she was able to get her medal and pics. S did well and actually did what he was supposed to in front of all those people! I thought for sure he's chicken out.

It was amazing to see the older kids perform. They are beyond talented. I just watched in awe and imagined K in their place. I honestly think that if K decides to keep going, she could do really well in this sport. Poor S is a little too clumsy to excel, but I'm sure we'll find his niche too.

S and K with their instructor.

Twins with the gym mascot

S with his girlfriend and eventual wife according to him :o)


Also wanted to include a pic of M trying out his bath seat for the first time last night. I think it's still a little too soon as he slumped over in it a bit, but in a few weeks we should be able to use it all the time. The twins can't wait because then they can have baths with M...something they've been wanting to do for awhile.

How Things Change

Today was supposed to be the day we celebrated the upcoming arrival of baby Jordan. Instead it is a reminder of what this world has lost...a beautiful baby boy.

There has not been a day in the last 4 weeks that I have not thought about J and her family. I send her little messages each day so that she knows she is still loved, but more importantly to know that the outside world hasn't forgot and just moved on. Yes, our pain is minuscule compared to hers and her family, but we still feel it.

Yesterday I was reminded just how strong our emotions and love can be for those we love. I was doing M's wash and got a strong smell of the Dreft detergent and my mind and heart immediately went to Zach. Although I have used Dreft for the twins and M, the first time I smelled the scent was with Zach. When I lost him I would lay in his room and hold his clothes and soft toys for hours, smelling this smell. 5 and a half years and three kids later, a simple smell can stop me in my tracks and remind me of the loss and ache I feel for my first son.

She has said that she doesn't want to be thought of as 'that woman who lost a child'. I don't see her that way at all. I see J as a close friend, a wonderful person, and an amazing mom of four lucky boys who has suffered an immeasurable loss. She is a strong woman, who will never 'get over' her loss, but rather find a way to cope; find a way to live her new life with the joy, love, caring and compassion she had before. And while I'm sure she doubts this at times, I am confident that in time it will happen.

Anyone Else a Huge LOST Fan?

General Musings

This morning was K's follow up orthopedic appointment. X-rays showed that osteomyelitis is no longer a concern and they just want to keep the cast on another week. I was surprised they didn't replace the cast as the bottom is completely soft. K just doesn't slow down. Her gymnastic exhibition is this weekend, so she won't be able to take part. I will take her dressed up so that if they do pictures she can at least participate. When she does get this cast off, she will need hours in the tub to soak of the dirt.

The twins were being complete butts when it came to keeping their room clean. Despite constant nagging, yelling, punishing, etc. the twins would not clean up after themselves. So yesterday I went into the room and removed everything I could from it. Now the twins have bare shelves, empty toy boxes and no everyday play things. Maybe in a few weeks I'll give them a few toys back and see if they have learned anything.

S is doing well without any big news. He is still a wonderful big brother who melts my heart everyday with how he cares for and plays with his brother. He has really impressed me the last few months.

And M, my little dude. He is still a happy baby. Right now he is developing in leaps and bounds. He reaches for and tries to grab everything. He is desperate to eat everything and anything. I have never seen an infant want to eat so badly. I have given in a few times (bad mommy) but I am trying to hold him off. He is an expert roller and can move around pretty well. He even is able to sit unassisted for a short time.

Even though he has his moments 0f fussiness, he is still a very happy baby. You know, maybe he isn't as happy as I think, it's just compared to the twins, he is a walk in the park. He loves to be in the car, and is never happier than when in the tub. He has trained his nanny Q very well and she carries him around all day. He is very flirty and a real charmer.

Stay tuned for pics of this weekends gymnastic exhibition and maybe other random fun :o)

Home Sweet Home

We are now back home. It was actually a really good trip with only a few hiccups.

We arrived on Sunday about 2pm after a pretty smooth three hour drive. The kids LOVED the hotel. They thought 'our new home' was so cool! (so cool in fact that next time I may just rent a hotel room down the road as our vacation). It was so ridiculous on how much I needed to pack for an overnight trip. Four suitcases, cooler, breast pump, pack n play, box of food, double jogger stroller, chairs, sand toys....like I said...ridiculous. After a little rest we hit the beach.

The munchkins in the hotel room

The water was cold, which is probably pretty normal for May, but S still loved it. He is soooo in love with the water. I felt badly that he couldn't do more in it. He was able to play in the surf, build objects in the sand and collect some seashells for friends back home. I think he would have stayed all day if I let him.

K unfortunately had to deal with her cast so she was a little more limited on what she could do. I was able to find a nice, thick knee high sock to wear over the cast, so while she still couldn't get it wet, she was able to play in the sand. K was a little more finicky about things like being dirty, and the wind blowing her hair, which lead to her desire to go back to the hotel after about 90 minutes at the beach.

M, as usual, was great. He enjoyed the fresh air and was pretty happy staying in his stroller. I love his pics as it makes him look like a future rocker baby :o) I wasn't able to get him into the water, but I think he could be a beach bum like his big bro.

On day two we went to the Aquarium. There were many very cool exhibits and some awesome sea life. Unfortunately S was in a grumpy mood and was not the most cooperative child. He refused, for the most part, to have any pictures taken and had to 'sit' in time out a few times. K seemed to like seeing all the creatures, and I guess since S wasn't up for it, she hammed it up for the camera.

K with the scuba diver posing behind her

The drive home stunk! It was raining the whole way, some places so hard that you couldn't see 2 car lengths in front of you. Our 3.5h drive was extended almost an hour, which sucks when you are tired after a busy two days. But we are now home and in one piece. Overall the vacation was a success. I had fun, the kids had fun, and now I know I can do it...so maybe I will be brave enough to plan for another one or two mini vacations :o)

Not Enough Hours in the Day

Do you ever feel like you move constantly but nothing ever gets done?

I had a million things I needed to get done before going to the beach. I accomplished maybe half of them, but I feel like I have been going all week. I imagine this is a typical feeling for a mother of three, but man it sucks. I leave for the beach first thing in the morning. The house is a wreck. I never got to go grocery shopping (my mom will be staying here with M and the dog) and I still haven't finished packing.

In other news, K is doing well with her cast. She is figuring out ways to run, play and keep up with S despite her left leg being casted. She does mention that she looks forward to it coming off, but I think she is doing fine with it on. The logistics of keeping her clean hasn't really been solved though. I think I just need to hang her from her toes and dunk her in the bath.

I'll post pics when I get back. Keep us in your thoughts....that we all come back in one piece...and I stay sane.

The Reality Has Hit...

And K isn't happy. Yesterday the cast was new and fun. Something she had that S didn't and something that she could decorate the way she wanted. I knew it would be a long 2 weeks when K asked me how she was going to take it off to go to bed.

She's no longer in love with her cast. She now sees it as the nuisance that it is. Although she has totally suckered her nanny into carrying her everywhere, and convinced S to be her personal slave, she has at least figured out how to maneuver in the thing. This is good since there is no way I will be her personal chauffeur the next 2 weeks.

We will still continue with our beach plans this weekend. I have already paid for the hotel and K never intended on getting into the water - she hates the waves. So while I thought I could get her a little hole somewhere with some water, I will just keep her high up on the beach away from the water.

One Tough Cookie

For the past 3-4 weeks K has been walking funny. Anywhere from walking 'odd' to a full out limp. She never complained unless I asked her why she was walking funny. Her response was to tell me that it hurt a little half way down her left leg. Her activity level never changed; she kept extremely active and whatever was going on never slowed her down.

Well I finally decided to take her to her doc today since this had gone on for awhile. He gave her a full exam and really felt like it was nothing, but since it had been going on for a few weeks, sent us to have a full set of x-rays. After the x-rays, and being told I couldn't leave until the doctor spoke to me, I started to freak out a little. Well, it wasn't as bad as what was going through my head, but the x-rays did show a fracture. That poor thing was walking around with a broken leg for at least 3 weeks! She must have a very high pain tolerance!

After a cast, some blood work - OMG that experience will be a whole other post when I have the energy - and some McDonald's Chicken Nuggets for her experience, we are now at home. K can't wait until she can color all over her new cast :-) The doc said it will probably only stay on a week or two since the break was already pretty well healed.

600 Ounces

That's how much breast milk I have donated to moms in need. This is an amazing number since breastfeeding the twins never went all that well and I never made enough to feed them all breast milk.

Its amazing how much breastfeeding can change child to child. Nothing seemed to go right with the twins, and this time, nothing seems to be wrong.

Happy Mother's Day!

Today we had a low key day which was ok. K promised me she would give me a hug and kiss this morning and she did, so we started things out right. Both S and K said Happy Mother's Day to me and overall they behaved pretty well today, so what more could a mother want?

M was also his cute, charming little self. Several times I sat in amazement looking at all three kids wondering how I got so lucky. As tiring, draining and maddening as motherhood can be, it is everything I ever wanted and more. I wouldn't change a single path I took to get here and I am so thankful for all I have been given.

Today was also the first day I felt more at peace with my friends loss. Don't get me wrong, I still hurt and mourn her loss and pain, but I didn't feel like that weight was still on my shoulders. While thinking about it, I believe the reason is I was able to talk to her a little bit yesterday, and while she still seemed sad and hurt, she also seemed like 'herself'. So while I know she still has a very long path in front of her, I feel like she has at least started on that path. She is starting to live again and hopefully soon she will start to feel joy again.

So to J, I know this mother's day was the most difficult one ever, I am glad you are starting to heal; starting to live; starting to figure out how to navigate this new life you now are living. I love you and I am here for you!

It's So Cute...

How S and Max love to make the same face :)

Max, 4 months

S, 4 months

Guilt and Why It Sucks

Have you ever noticed the feeling of guilt is one that creates a vicious circle?

Along with sadness I am feeling a ton of guilt. Guilt that me and my friend both took very similar paths in the last year but we ended up in two different places.

Max is a source of guilt right now. I find myself starring at him and feeling sadness and guilt that I have been blessed with a healthy baby boy, but my friend was not. When I play and feel joy with Max I feel guilty that I am having enjoyable experience, while my friend is in the worst pain of her life. I think about Max and feel guilt and worry that he will come between me and my friend's ability to keep our friendship strong.

And then of course the worst guilt of all, that I experience these negative feelings around this precious gift that has been given to me. Max should bring nothing but happiness to me, but right now, that just doesn't seem to be the case.

Guilt, the more guilt I experience, the more I seem to take on.

Still Here

But still feeling pretty down.

Having a hard time understanding why such painful things happen to such wonderful people and why some people, who are extremely undeserving, seem to get everything handed to them. I guess that's one of the big mysteries of life.

Still hurting for my dear friend. My thoughts are obsessed with her pain. I hope she know how much she is loved by everyone around her.

So Depressed

I think I was actually starting to feel down on Saturday. I was lethargic and tired and just blamed it on a long week. Sunday started no different, and then the afternoon shock just sent me further down. Today it was all I could do to care for the kids and stay out of bed.

I just sit and think about my friend. About how unfair this is. About the fear and shock they endured while having that final ultrasound. About how excruciating being in labor in 15 hours knowing what the outcome would be. About how she is coping now, at home with all her family around her, yet probably feeling so alone and empty. My mind is obsessed with these thoughts.

It sounds as though J was lost due to an umbilical clot. Her condition, nor her meds should have caused this, so it is what a thought, a total freak thing. To me this makes it all the more tragic as she had managed her other problems so well only to be blindsided by this. Its not fucking fair.

I have sat here all day crying and mourning for my friend. I am angry, shocked and saddened and knowing that she has these same feelings but multiplied by a thousand hurts me even more as I can't imagine how she is handling the pain. After a few days of seclusion, I'm sure her strength will pull her through. She is a wonderful mom and will get up and keep moving for them. Her three other children will be what keeps her going, keeps her waking up and keeps her from falling to pieces. I just hope that while caring for and enabling the healing process for them, she still cares for herself and allows herself time as well.

Still keep her and her family in your thoughts and/or prayers. I know she appreciates it.

A Very Sad Day

A good friend of mine lost her precious baby this morning. His name is Jordan Robert and he was a beautiful little boy. Sadly after not being able to detect a heart beat at home with her dopplar, she went to the ER where the staff confirmed her concern and found that her highly anticipated son has passed away. She was induced and horrifically labored until early this am when she delivered her little angel.

While I can understand the pain associated with the loss of a child, I cannot imagine the pain, anger and experiences her and her family have endured the last 48 hours. She has been handed many challenges with motherhood and its undeniably unfair that she now has to endure this.

This was her fourth son. Her first a singleton, followed by twins. Unfortunately they were born premature, around 27 weeks, and despite a rocky start and some complications, there are doing extremely well now and have no long standing deficits. That should have been enough...but no.

I felt a bond to her because we both wanted to have another child about 2 years ago and we both were planning on it, when we both were diagnosed with chronic health conditions. We both had to wait and we did so together, complaining together and growing impatient together. I got the go-head before she did, but by the time M was born, she was graduating from the first trimester.

Due to preterm labor with the twins, and her chronic illness she had been watched extremely closely. But as the weeks went by, all scans showed a healthy baby and pregnancy. There seemed to be no looming trouble. We even chatted last Sunday and I gave her a box of M's clothes. We talked about her upcoming baby shower and that if she were to experience pre-term labor at 30 weeks, we was out of the woods. Well while we were all looking at pre-term labor, it seems another, freak occurrence snuck in. To me this makes it all the harder to understand. She was beating all the odds on her known risks and potential complications and then to be hit with this 'freak' thing. Its just not fair.

Tonight my heart aches for my friend. I am angry and upset that this happened. She is so strong and has posted on her blog a wonderful post about how her son is with Jesus and she knows this happened for a reason. She is so much stronger than I.

Please keep her in your hearts and prayers. Hope that her, her husband, their three boys and family can heal from this. Hope that I can find a way to be there for her without feeling incredibly guilty about having M, a son who was supposed to be getting a play mate in a few short months.

A Quick Cute Post

This afternoon S explained to me that his tummy had different 'spots' for each of his foods, so while the spots for his sandwich and milk were completely full, the spot for ice cream had plenty of room.

Geeze, if this is the way their minds work at 4...I'm screwed :)