Have you ever noticed the feeling of guilt is one that creates a vicious circle?
Along with sadness I am feeling a ton of guilt. Guilt that me and my friend both took very similar paths in the last year but we ended up in two different places.
Max is a source of guilt right now. I find myself starring at him and feeling sadness and guilt that I have been blessed with a healthy baby boy, but my friend was not. When I play and feel joy with Max I feel guilty that I am having enjoyable experience, while my friend is in the worst pain of her life. I think about Max and feel guilt and worry that he will come between me and my friend's ability to keep our friendship strong.
And then of course the worst guilt of all, that I experience these negative feelings around this precious gift that has been given to me. Max should bring nothing but happiness to me, but right now, that just doesn't seem to be the case.
Guilt, the more guilt I experience, the more I seem to take on.
April 2022
1 year ago
2 comments on "Guilt and Why It Sucks"
I think that's a normal part of grieving-to compare her loss with your joy and to be sad for her. I hope the guilt lessens and you can see it for the sadness and compassion that it really is.
When I was pregnant with my son a friend of mine was due a week after me. She had already lost a baby girl at nearly full-term.
In the beginning we spoke often, but as our pregnancies progressed we talked less. I had my son 3 weeks early and when I called to see how she was doing and if she had delivered I was met with tragic news. She had a placental abruption the day before her scheduled c-section.
That conversation was very hard to get through. Doreen was a "champ" but I looked over at my healthy baby and didn't know want to say.
She wanted to know how everything went and how motherhood was going for me. I felt trapped. I knew what I was saying must be hurting her. She didn't let on. At one point he made some noise and I quickly put him in the other room with my sister because I was horrified.
We have rarely spoke since then and I have to say that it's mostly, if not all, of my doing. I even stopped posting on the forum where we met years before because I felt wrong for posting about my baby and his accomplishments/my concerns because Doreen didn't have this.
There is a ton of guilt when I'm talking to Doreen knowing her daughter should be my son's age. She should have experienced this that and the other with her child. I struggle to talk to her worried something I say might come out wrong or will hurt her...she's never let on that it has, but that's who Doreen is.
My point is please don't let the guilt ruin your friendship. I miss Doreen. I wish so much that we still talked. She has a way of brightening anyone's day for any reason. She never lets life get her down and now I've missed the opportunity because of how much I let the guilt effect me.
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