A Nice Night

Tonight was a banquet thrown in my honor :0) Well, not really. It was a banquet put together by my place of employment for the people who have been there for specific time periods. Every year they celebrate the employees who have been there 5/10/15/20 and so on years. This year my 10th year of service was celebrated. And since they actually celebrate it the year after, I have been with my employer for 11 years. Sounds crazy especially when you consider I am 31.

The dinner was nice. I was able to go with several friends who were also celebrating years if service including Q, my nanny. She was there with her boyfriend of 3 years. It was the first time I had met him and I was very impressed. He is very handsome and seems like a good guy.

In addition to the dinner, I received a $150 VISA gift card. I wonder what I will get to spend it on :0)

The Wheels are Always Turning....

Recently we have been talking a lot of how babies are conceived. The twins had been asking questions, so I thought it was a good time to start talking about it. Also, the twins have been talking to one of their donor siblings on Skype and will meet another one next week. So these talks have also helped in trying to explain just how these other kids relate to them.

We have had many good talks, and I also bought a great book that was suggested to me called 'It's not the Stork'. Both K and S like to look at the book and ask questions, but K seems more interested and asks many questions while we talk, but also through out the day and days later. It is incredible what she comes up with.

Today we were watching tv and there was something on showing a woman having an US. The conversation went like this...

K: Mom I don't want to have babies when I grow up.
M: Okay. You don't have to have babies if you don't want to.
K: Does that mean I can't snuggle and hug my husband in bed?
GULP....
M: No. There are things that can make it so you can't have babies
K: What?
M: You don't need to worry about it now. We can talk about it when you're a little older.

What in heck! The weird thing is, we really have not put any focus on the act of sex because that isn't in their conception story. There is a section in the book that talks about sex, and we've read it once or twice but never really talked about it, focusing rather on sperm and eggs with donors and mommy :0)

It goes to show you that you never really know which parts they are really listening to.

Holy Crap!

I think I am dying.

Yesterday work was brutal. We were short staffed, the patients were SICK, and everything that could have gone wrong did. I RARELY every leave work after 7:30p and last night I didn't leave until almost 8:30p. I even got to bring home a scrub top smeared with the blood of a patient that wasn't even mine. Sigh...

When I got home I was so tied and SOOOOO sore. Every bone and muscle in my body hurt. When I finally got to bed my whole body ached as I fell asleep. When I woke this morning and started to get ready for the walk I told myself I was crazy.

After walking the entire zoo today, the kids then had a birthday party. When I got home after 5p my sister was here so I pawned the kids off on her and got into a HOT bath. I was in said bath for over an hour but I think part of that was because I kept falling asleep. The bath didn't work. I still hurt so badly. I could barely move.

Tonight I lie here, my muscles and body aching. I can barely walk to go to the bathroom. I know this is mostly due to me being so out of shape, so overweight, so tired. I probably shouldn't have worked two 12h shifts before walking the entire zoo. But wow. I feel like I'm 80 years old tonight.

MS Walk

This morning was the annual MS Walk. This is the third walk we has participated in since my diagnosis. The first two years I did really well, raising more than $500 each year and getting really into it. Last year we skipped it because M was so little and this year...well we officially were in the walk, but we left the group early to go ahead and see the zoo since it was cold and there was a threat of rain. I went with a friend of mine from work and my parents came with us too :0)

As usual, the kids had a great time. M thought it was great! Every animal got a shriek and a pointed finger. He seemed to really like seeing all these huge animals that were new to him. The twins, who have been here a million times before still enjoyed seeing everything and even learned things as this year there were many more questions about the animals. I was glad to have the extra adults in the group since M wanted to be held some and even wanted to walk at times.
S had one of those super cute moments. Before we left the house he was told that he could buy one thing at the zoo because he had some money. At one point in the zoo the kids were playing on a play ground and the adults were chatting. For a second I couldn't find S and when I turned around he had ordered a drink from the food stand beside the park. He had his wallet out and everything. The thing is though, that I had his money. All he had was some Mexican money my parents had given him from their trip. I went to the stand and they said that I didn't owe them anything. They said he was so cute. He went up there and said he had 'one million dollars' and wanted a drink while pulling out his money. So S got his drink, but was reminded that in the future he really needed to ask mommy before doing anything like that again.

Three Thousand Four Hundred & Seventy

Tonight I donated my last box of breast milk. While M still breastfeeds some, I no longer pump. The last of my supply went out the door tonight making the grand total of donated milk

3470 ounces!!

I am pretty proud of myself. BF'ing was such a source of failure for me with the twins. I wasn't able to latch them, so I just pumped. Never made enough for them, so they were always supplemented with formula. Add to that thrush that wouldn't go away in both me and the twins plus 2 boughts of mastitis...all in a four month span (at which point I gave up) and it was a pretty negative experience.

This time I have to say that it went about as perfectly as it could have. M was an excellent nurser. Great supply, easy pumping, no infections. I am very grateful for this. If I have no other children I am happy that I was able to get a very positive BF'ing experience.

Refocus

I have many feelings tonight of isolation, depression and hopelessness. But instead of focusing on these, I am trying to focus on other things like the positive updates of the three little ones.

C - She is doing well. I saw her Monday and although she still looked so small and frail, her mother says she is nursing well, wanting to eat some solids and has gain a little bit of weight. What great news.

E - Her surgery was today. The surgeons were able to remove the entire tumor without any complications or excessive bleeding. Hopefully this means no more surgery and a 'cure' to E's ailments. If the tumor is benign, the thought is it will not return and E should be on the road to recovery. Keep her in your thoughts as we wait for the path report.

H - He was treated yesterday. Although his platelets did not increase today, the way they would have liked, he was able to return home. There will be another blood draw on Thursday to see if the treatment is working. Please send up platelet growing thoughts to H and his family. The coming weeks will still be stressful ones, but hopefully ones with improvement.

Keep Some Little Ones in Your Thoughts...

I have a few friends with little ones who are struggling....

Little C who I have blogged about before (she was born with hirschsprung's disease) was in the hospital all last week. She developed a blockage and needed a third surgery. She hasn't even had her first birthday yet and has been through so much. She has recovered and gone home, but she needs to continue the healing process and start gaining weight to stay home.

Little E who was born this February with a large liver tumor is finally strong enough to have surgery to remove it. She will have surgery on 3/22. The surgeons are afraid of bleeding so they aren't yet sure what they will do. They would like to go in and remove it completely but there is a chance they may have to use two surgeries to complete the removal. There is also still a small question about whether or not this is benign vs malignant. We are hoping for one, complication free surgery with a clean path report.

And finally Little H. His mom called me today freaked out because he was covered in bruises. He has been sick, but nothing serious. She took him in and they found his Platelet count was <1. They should be at least 150. He has been admitted to the Children's Hospital where he will be treated. Most likely he has ITP - idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura. Although this is a scary thing, it is almost completely treatable and curable with fairly simple intervention. Although this is what we are most likely dealing with, other more scary things like Leukemia need to be ruled out. The next few days will be very busy and scary for everyone.

What Has Happened the Past Few Days...

S
On Wednesday I got a call from the school saying he had a temp of 101.8. I went and got him and although he felt a little warm, he seemed and acted fine. Since he had to be fever free for 24h he was home with Q all day Thursday. Well he complained about his ear hurting that afternoon. I was able to get off of work early. I ran home and took S to one of the CVS Minute Clinics - which by the way are awesome :0) He did indeed have an ear infection and was started on meds. He had a quick recovery an was back to school Friday.

Scentsy
Had a great Scentsy party on Saturday. It brought in over $400 and I had about $300 of outside orders. This is awesome since I am trying so hard to save money for our trip to TX in August. And speaking about Texas...tickets are bought and time off work is booked. I am excited and nervous all at once. As an added bonus, a few days ago another friend asked to do a basket party, and I am setting that up this week!

The weather was beautiful this weekend. We had lots of fun outside. All my kids love to be outside. Max would live out there if I let him. It has been nice because I have been able to leave the back door open and let Max come and go as he pleases - I have a gated deck out back full of outside toys. This week will be pretty busy followed by a busy weekend. Hopefully I'll have some good pics to share.

Photos of my Young Men...

I will post a decent post tomorrow...for now I will just share my handsome young men.

Little Shopping Spree

For me, it's not often I get to 'let loose' and shop. Today was one of those rare occasions. All three kids needed spring/summer clothes. They typically get two years out of their summer clothes, but last year was year two. So, needless to say, I needed a fair bit for three kids.

I decided to do the majority of the shopping at Carter's. I have really started to like their store since M was born and they had some decent sales. On top of that I had a $40 gift card for there. I was able to pretty much get all the basics for S and M. I had picked up some clothes at the consignment sale for K so I didn't need as much for her. I was even able to get all three coordinating Easter outfits for pictures. All I think I still need are some summer dresses for K and some sandals for S.

I spent $280. I made $170 at the consignment sale which is what I used for today. Then I had the $40 GC. So that is $70 out of pocket. AND then they had a special stamping bonus...so for todays purchase I received $50 to spend on a future trip. It's kind of crummy that I have to spend this $50 within the next 2 weeks, but I figure I will go back and buy a few summer dresses and finish up K's wardrobe.

It's funny how a little shopping spree for the kids was so enjoyable. Not a thing bought for me...I'm such a mom :0P

And as a little aside...there was a 'Now Hiring" sign and my sister J took an application. I could totally dig my sister working there and taking advantage of that employee discount :)

The Mook...15 Months

Over the weekend M had developed very green/yelloow goopy eyes and I was concerned about some sort of infection. By Sunday the goop had started to decrease but then he started with a runny nose. I spoke to a few people and everyone had me thinking ear infection. While M was kind of grumpy, I didn't make a big deal about it since he had his routine appointment today.

This morning when M woke up he was mucousy but seemed okay. At the doc his mood was pretty typical and the doc said that he seemed to have some mild congestion consistent with a cold. We went ahead and did his 15 month shots.

His stats
Weight 21lbs 4 oz. 10th percentile
Height 31.25" 50th percentile

Still skinny. And although I really think he should be much taller (I'm 5'10" the donor 6'6") S did the same thing. Hovered around the 60th percentile until about 3 or 4 when he entered the 90th. So, I'm thinking M will do the same.

Later tonight M developed a fever and became extremely cranky. He was a mucousy mess and then threw up. At this point I regretted going ahead with the vaccines since his little system is already fighting so hard with this cold. Obviously I can't take them back, and hindsight is 20/20 but I hope everything isn't too much a shock to his system.

Dear Crayola...

Thank you for making your products 'washable'

I Think I am Leaning Back Towards TTC

Last Monday there was an adoption workshop that I needed to attend to start the process. Due to several reasons I didn't go. But surprisingly, even to me, one of the reasons was that I was really being pulled towards TTC again, and away from adoption.

Adoption is such a shot in the dark. I can go through all the classes. I can bring infant after infant into my home with none staying; some undoubtedly being difficult placements. These children could be drug exposed, poor prenatal care, the children of mentally ill parents, etc. These factors were starting to weigh on me, while at the same time I would look at the three children who are beautiful, healthy and perfect. (I know...slight bias)

So what I need to deal with. .

1. I need to acquire vials. I know someone with MANY. The only catch, she has yet to start TTC. So I would have to wait until she starts the process, gets pregnant and then feel comfortable enough to sell me some.
2. I need to lose weight. I have not lost any of the weight from M's pregnancy and we all know that I started off very big before that.
   
3. I need to continue to work on my finances. Life doesn't seem to be going along with that plan as it keeps throwing curves at me, but I am determined.
   
4. And finally there are two things I need to come to terms with. First, I need to accept that I will once again be pregnant. I am thinking about going through the most miserable 40 weeks of my life...again. I will have 3 kids to care for. Can I physically and mentally do this again. And second, I need to accept that I could have another son. I have mentioned before that I REALLY want another daughter. There is a 50% chance that that won't happen. Is that okay? If I have another boy will I continue to want more or will I be happy with stopping at 4 children? (and BTW....4 is my absolute maximum!!)

So, since it will be a little bit before I will even have access to vials, I have time to work through that list. I really did want M and the fourth child to be close in age, but I guess I can't have everything I want in life. Hopefully within a year to 18 months I will be on the TTC path again.

****Aside****
I finally got my repair total. It sucks, but not near as high as I was fearing. I had told myself that if the bill was over $1000 I would have to cancel our trip to Texas and there would be no other 'fun'. The bill came under that amount so we are still on for our Summer trip. Just keep your fingers crossed not nothing else gets in the way.

Insanely Jealous

Okay, what's the deal? I know a handful of people who were pregnant at about the same time as me (with M). I think I can rattle off 5 or 6 of those people who have recently announced their pregnant again. Every time I read one of these announcements I get green with envy!!!

The silly thing is, I couldn't imagine being pregnant right now with as busy and with as much needs as M still has. He still breastfeeds, wakes at night, prefers to be carried everywhere. In many way he is still a baby. So while being pregnant right now would be impossible, I am still envious!

And...I will be back later for a better post once the Mook is in bed :0)

I'm Excited :0)

One of the donor siblings will be traveling through the area in the beginning of April and we have planned to spend the day together!! A and his mom's are moving from up north to Florida and will be making a pit stop here. I am nervous/excited/anxious all at once.

Right now I am brainstorming what we should do that day. He is a few months older than the twins so it's perfect. All three of them should get along great. This family also has more vials of our donor and will be TTC later this year. Once they get pregnant, there is a possibility that I can obtain the leftover vials (yes..thats a whole other post).

Anyway...I had to share the news.

BTW...I still haven't gotten my bill for the pump. I called twice today and both times they were too busy and hadn't gotten to it yet. My stomach is still churning :/

I'm Screwed

Yesterday the pump people came out and after looking they felt it was an electrical issue. The pump seemed to run fine off their generator but every time it was connected to the home supply it would trip the breaker.

The electrician came over today and after looking said it was definitely a pump issue. The pump was pulling in too much power to start. The pump people came back, took my old pump and replaced it with a new one.

Sigh...all of this occurred while I was at work and I wasn't really able to talk to anyone really well. I am absolutely terrified of the bill that's coming. Two visits and labor from the pump people, the electrician and a new pump. Actually terrified doesn't even cover it.

I just hope to god I can figure out a way to pay it without having to give up anything else.

My Biannual Post

Today was dentist day. The twins and M got to see their dentist, who for the most part they love.

M wasn't thrilled but the first visit is more of a general assessment. See how many teeth he has, a little fluoride treatment and play with the tools. The dentist was a little concerned that one of his front teeth projects outwards a bit, something I already knew, but nothing to do but watch it. I am pretty sure M will be my braces kid.

K, of course was fine. She has never had work done. She has never had an issue. Perfect teeth every time. She DID NOT get her teeth from me.

Sadly, S got my teeth. Crummy, useless teeth. Again today S was found to have several cavities. Usually she does them the same day in the office, but she said there was too much work. I had to make two more additional hour-long appointments for him :0( Poor kid.

S got sealants about two years ago but cavities keep coming up around them. So in addition to a larger cavity up front, the dentist is actually going to put fillings in all his molars. She said that since for the most part these are preventive, they won't go deep and shouldn't even need anesthesia.

You know, I'm glad K has perfect teeth. Otherwise I'm sure the dentist would think that I didn't care for S's teeth at all. You know, it pretty evident when looking at the two of them that sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, if you have crappy teeth, it won't help all that much.

Totally Forgot!

On Friday March 4th M officially said his first word. We were at CFA when a little girl walked by M. He waved his hand and said "Hi". I had to do a double take!

Now I know this is pretty late for a first word, but Better Late than Never!!

Tried Something New

K has hair just like mine. Thin, straight and fine. It pretty much just hangs there. So last night we tried something new and rolled her hair up in rags. This morning this was the result. Wild and cute :0) When she got home from school I think it looked better as the curls had relaxed a little and it wasn't as tight. Next time I may not roll as tightly.

Sigh...

I woke up this morning at 6am to the sound of the septic pump alarm going off. Yep, it's overflowing again. Another call to be made to come look at the stupid thing.

I am afraid that it may be time to get a new pump. I mean this is the third issue since Christmas Eve. The only problem with that is if I do have to replace the pump, it might have some major impact on plans for this year.

Double Sigh...

Does Anyone Else Worry...

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how fast the twins are growing. They are starting school this year and have made the transition from toddler/preschooler to child. They aren't my babies anymore. They are growing up.

Well this has me worried. Not just for the simple fact of I want my babies to stay my babies forever, but I worry about parenting kids and teens. When I imagine the future with me and three teens I start to panic a little.

I am a good baby/toddler mama. I love babies and toddlers. All my life I have found ways to surround myself with them. I babysat for families with small children. My mom ran a home daycare and I always stuck with the little ones. I enjoy everything about them, I connect with them, I find great reward when being with them.

I have never really felt that way around older kids, so of course it worries me. Now, logically I know that these are my kids, so of course I will love to be with them and find tons of reward with them, but I worry that I won't be a good parent to them. That I will be more impatient, less able to deal with the challenges.

I have spoken to many moms who are the opposite. They love having kids. The of course have babies because that's what you need to do to get the kids :0) but they say they really start to enjoy things when the child is older. I haven't ever spoken to a mom who says she feels what I do. Maybe it's more taboo. I mean after all I am admitting that I don't look forward to parenting my own children. What mother says that?

It doesn't help that my siblings are so screwed up. My parents barely survived the teens years with them. I remind myself that I only share 50% of my DNA with them (they have a different father...who is a complete psycho) so my kids only share 25% with them. That without that psycho influence they will probably me typical teens...but that doesn't make me feel better because even typical teens are difficult.

So, of course there is nothing I can do about this. S, K and even M will grow up. They will become pre-teens, teens and eventually move out. I can only go along with the ride and hope that I change and grow with them. I'm fairly confident that in the end we will all come out of it okay, but I still worry.

Way Cool

For months now I have been promising the twins that I would take them to the Bodies Revealed show. I kept meaning to, but things would get in the way...money mostly. I had managed to procrastinate until the very end, this weekend is the last weekend.

I had been following the show updates and saw that the show was getting busier and busier and tickets were selling out early in the day. So my plan, wake up early Saturday and be there right at 9am when they open. Well, I was not the only one with this plan. When we pulled in the parking lot was almost full and the line extended out from the building to the back lot. Wow.

We got in line, which moved fairly quickly, but by the time we were able to buy tickets, we were given the 10:30 time slot. Luckily this display is at our local Science Center so we were able to browse the other exhibits while we waited. Of course the show was pretty locked down. No cameras, no phones, no strollers, no carriers. This made things more difficult because not only was I trying to control two 5yo in a priceless exhibit, but I also had to hold a 20 pound toddler the whole time.

It was a very cool exhibit. The twins did really well with it. They of course didn't want to take a whole lot of time with it, or let me read all the descriptions, but they did like looking at the full body displays. Almost all the full bodies were men, so the twins got lots of giggles about seeing penis'. I would have loved to go on my own and spend a lot of time, but you know me. That kind of luxury does not happen.

We got the picture because of course I wanted something from the experience. So $39 to enter (that's with a significant discount) $11 for the picture and then the twins each got a small model of a heart and the internal organs - with money they got from their aunt. Not a cheap event, but one that I enjoyed.

Hair Cuts for All

In the past few weeks, I have taken several comments about how long and 'messy' M's hair was getting. It was fairly long in the back, but I didn't think it was horrible. Then last night, S said that his own hair was 'shaggy' and he needed a cut. I figured I would bite the bullet and have both boys get their hair cut today. And then, of course, on the way, K felt like if the boys were getting theirs done, she needed hers done. I usually do her bangs myself, but since I just recently received my refund, I figured 'why not?' and she got hers too.

K pre hair cut
And after
And my boys pre hair cut
And after
Heehee...I think M has the 'Beiber Do'

Twins Stats

Today was S and K's 5 year check up. They are both doing well. Checked out healthy, good eye sight, hearing, blood work etc. Both are still tall and slender with no concerns. And here are the stats...

S
Height - 46" (93rd percentile)
Weight - 45lbs (74th percentile)
BMI 15

K
Height - 43.25" (60th percentile)
Weight - 37lbs (27th percentile)
BMI - 14.1

Getting to be way too big :( Dentist appointment for all three next week and then M has his appointment the following week :)

Please Keep in Your Thoughts...

About four months ago some friends of mine were matched with a birth mother. Earlier this week they flew to be with her when she gave birth and spent the last 4 days falling in love with their child. Today they flew back home without baby. The BM changed her mind. After years of infertility and the happiness of the last few months, I can't imagine their pain.

Keep J & S in your hearts.

So Appropriate...

I thought this was a perfect post after my concerns with Max. I hope you appreciate it as much as I do. (Taken from http://www.minddump.org/what-should-a-4-year-old-know?c=1)

What Should a 4-Year-Old Know?

We are such a competitive culture that even our preschoolers have become trophies and bragging rights. Childhood shouldn’t be a race.

So here, I offer my list of what a 4 year old should know.

1. She should know that she is loved wholly and unconditionally, all of the time.
2. He should know that he is safe and he should know how to keep himself safe in public, with others, and in varied situations. He should know that he can trust his instincts about people and that he never has to do something that doesn’t feel right, no matter who is asking. He should know his personal rights and that his family will back them up.
3. She should know how to laugh, act silly, be goofy and use her imagination. She should know that it is always okay to paint the sky orange and give cats 6 legs.
4. He should know his own interests and be encouraged to follow them. If he could care less about learning his numbers, his parents should realize he’ll learn them accidentally soon enough and let him immerse himself instead in rocket ships, drawing, dinosaurs or playing in the mud.
5. She should know that the world is magical and that so is she. She should know that she’s wonderful, brilliant, creative, compassionate and marvelous. She should know that it’s just as worthy to spend the day outside making daisy chains, mud pies and fairy houses as it is to practice phonics. Scratch that– way more worthy.

But more important, here’s what parents need to know.

1. That every child learns to walk, talk, read and do algebra at his own pace and that it will have no bearing on how well he walks, talks, reads or does algebra.
2. That the single biggest predictor of high academic achievement and high ACT scores is reading to children. Not flash cards, not workbooks, not fancy preschools, not blinking toys or computers, but mom or dad taking the time every day or night (or both!) to sit and read them wonderful books.
3. That being the smartest or most accomplished kid in class has never had any bearing on being the happiest. We are so caught up in trying to give our children “advantages” that we’re giving them lives as multi-tasked and stressful as ours. One of the biggest advantages we can give our children is a simple, carefree childhood.
4. That our children deserve to be surrounded by books, nature, art supplies and the freedom to explore them. Most of us could get rid of 90% of our children’s toys and they wouldn’t be missed, but some things are important– building toys like legos and blocks, creative toys like all types of art materials (good stuff), musical instruments (real ones and multicultural ones), dress up clothes and books, books, books. (Incidentally, much of this can be picked up quite cheaply at thrift shops.) They need to have the freedom to explore with these things too– to play with scoops of dried beans in the high chair (supervised, of course), to knead bread and make messes, to use paint and play dough and glitter at the kitchen table while we make supper even though it gets everywhere, to have a spot in the yard where it’s absolutely fine to dig up all the grass and make a mud pit.
5. That our children need more of us. We have become so good at saying that we need to take care of ourselves that some of us have used it as an excuse to have the rest of the world take care of our kids. Yes, we all need undisturbed baths, time with friends, sanity breaks and an occasional life outside of parenthood. But we live in a time when parenting magazines recommend trying to commit to 10 minutes a day with each child and scheduling one Saturday a month as family day. That’s not okay! Our children don’t need Nintendos, computers, after school activities, ballet lessons, play groups and soccer practice nearly as much as they need US. They need fathers who sit and listen to their days, mothers who join in and make crafts with them, parents who take the time to read them stories and act like idiots with them. They need us to take walks with them and not mind the .1 MPH pace of a toddler on a spring night. They deserve to help us make supper even though it takes twice as long and makes it twice as much work. They deserve to know that they’re a priority for us and that we truly love to be with them.