Crazy Stuff

So this morning I woke up with a sore throat. That progressed into full body aches and a slight fever. I hate being sick.

While at work my mom sent me two emails. One to tell me she fell off a ladder and the other to show me the pics...except one thing, I didn't get the email telling me she fell and only got these pictures:

Of course I was freaked out trying to figure out what the hell happened. I had to take a break and call her. Needless to say I wasn't pleased with the email snafu, but at least a little relieved with how she hurt herself - not attacked or something like that. She is very sore, obviously, but she should be fine. Nothing is broken, but of course she isn't very mobile.

Also just to add, when I came home today, all four of my fish were suddenly dead :( Nothing seemed to be wrong. Since I have had so much trouble, this is the end of the fish.

Today Sucked

I only got three and a half hours of sleep. I woke up in a bad mood and I couldn't do anything to fix it.

The friend who pissed me off about the Christmas pictures came up to me at the beginning of work and said..."Is next Monday okay for the picture" like I haven't made it clear to her that I was ticked about the whole photo delay to begin with, but sure, let's delay it until next week.

Today will end and hopefully tomorrow will bring at least some break in the clouds.

So Much For Taking That Leap

A month later and I still can't get this machine to work properly. I have joined support groups and education forums with no luck. I have spent about $50 on additional needles and stabilizers with no luck. I still haven't turned out a product that is worth anything.

I went to a Singer store today to get some help. Can you imagine my surprise when I was told that this Singer Store no longer carried Singer because the quality was so poor and the machines were pieces of shit. Wow. A Singer Store that refuses to carry Singer products. I guess that says it all.

I emailed Singer's customer service today. I hope I hear from them soon. If I can get someone to take this crappy machine off my hands I'm not even sure if I want to keep trying. I will have to think about it I guess. With my depression out of control right now, this failure is not what I needed.

I'll keep you updated.

Diet Attempt #1,000,239...

Okay, so yesterday I started a new diet. I need to get my binge eating under control. I am disgusted to say that I have regained a substantial part of the 90 pounds I lost last year - SHIT.

So far I have been very good with my food intake and have exercised both days. I even went to the gym today. Wish me luck. This has to be the most horrible time to start a diet - the holiday season!! I have a goal in mind and have to reach it before I TTC so I guess that's the best motivation I could hope for.

This Economy Sucks

I consider myself pretty lucky with everything that's been going on. I am years from retirement so I can wait out the stock market disaster. I have a regular mortgage with no balloon payments. And I'm a nurse which means I have no fear of layoffs or salary cuts. In fact, in the next few weeks I will hear what my pay raise will be next January. So far I have been lucky.

Well that sort of changed yesterday. My mom told me that my dad found out that this Friday his company will just shut down. He found out by accident, but the company's plan was just to act normal until Friday and then tell people 'bye'. How crappy is that? Well my dad has been grandfathered into his position which means his experience has gotten him to where he is, and he doesn't have the education necessary to move to another company and keep the same position or salary. My parents have gone from living well - 2 homes, 3 cars, boats, semi annual trips to Mexico - to now not knowing how they will make it. My dad brought home a six figure salary and now the positions he is looking at is less then half that. To make it worse, the only positions he is able to find are far from here. So when and if my dad gets a job, my parents will most likely be moving out of state.

This is difficult for me in many ways. I moved here to be close to my family. Since then all my siblings have moved away and now it looks like my parents will too. I don't depend on my family much, maybe every few months for something but it makes me wonder what I will do in the future. The biggest help my parents were was during the holidays. Since I work in a hospital I have to work days like Christmas...well who watches other peoples kids on Christmas??

I'm sure I will be fine. I will work something out. But I also feel for my kids. I grew up in Canada while my grandparents lived in Florida. I never really had a close relationship with them and now I guess my kids will experience the same thing. But to be honest, my parents now live just a little over an hour away and we only see them now every few months, so I guess things really won't change that much.

Trunk or Treat #2

Today was our second TorT. This afternoon we joined our MOM group for some Halloween fun. We started with the TorT and then went inside for some juice and crafts. There were 10 twin families there and all the kids were so cute!! We had a great time!!

K fixing her shoe

S, K and W

Group pic #1

Group pic #2

Daddy Confusion...

I have a good friend who is a fill-in for me when my regular babysitter can't watch the twins. She also has twins who are 6 months older than S & K so we also spend a lot of our leisure time doing things with them. This usually includes her husband who is a very involved dad and works third shift - so he's usually around during play dates and outings.

Here's the thing....S has decided to call this man "Daddy". He does it all the time. In fact today when we met, S went running when Cedrick got there and said "Mommy it's my Daddy!!" Cedrick is a great role model for him and I love the fact that S feels connected to him, but I don't want him calling him Daddy. Anytime he does this I correct him and tell him, no his name is Cedrick but then S gets upset and insists he is Daddy.

Now I don't think S is doing it because he truly thinks Cedrick is his dad but rather because that's what his 2 friends call him. Cedrick has been good about it and doesn't mind, but also tries to correct him. I guess part of me worries that people think that my poor child has to find other men to be their daddy because of the choice I made.

Who knows what I should do? I will continue to try and correct S, but when I do it to the point of making S upset, I feel like I am making it worse.

And just to add some comic relief to the mix, this man is black which kind of makes it funny to see my sheet white child run around the playground yelling Daddy at him

I Guess I'm Just Weird

A post on another SMBC site got me thinking. She had posted on how she is still wishing that she could find Mr Right. It makes me realize more and more that I am a weird one. I don't want that and I don't see myself changing.

I like being alone. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom and will surround myself with them as long as I can, but the thought of being alone when they are grown doesn't scare me at all. In fact, I kinda look forward to it. Even now I sometimes can't wait for 8pm when the twins go down for the night and I can do whatever I want.

Before the twins were born I loved it when I didn't have anything to do. I worked a lot more hours than I do now, but when I was at home I loved just staying in my PJ's all day long and lounging around the house. I could spend the whole weekend never leaving the house or talking to a single person and that was just fine by me. I was pretty introverted but I liked it that way. Since having the twins, I have forced myself to become more of an extrovert, constantly going to events and play dates, which right now I love, but a part of me can't wait to go back to the old me.

I think I baffle the people around me. My mom can't understand why anyone would want to be alone. Friends always say "your young, you will find a husband" and other SMBC look forward to getting into the dating scene. I am just not like that. To me, being a SMBC was plan A. It wasn't "if I can't find Mr Right" it was "I don't want Mr Right".

So for the next 18+ years I will enjoy being around my kids. I will love going to play dates, field trips, parties and sports events. I will continue to lead the chaotic lifestyle of a parent. But when the time comes when my children leave home, I will also enjoy the quiet and solitude.

I guess I'm just weird.

Trunk or Treat #1

Tonight we had our first Trunk or Treat with our local mommies group. We got really lucky because it rained all morning, but by the afternoon the weather was clear and the temperature was mild.

The kids at first weren't too excited about it, but once they found out what it was all about, they had a great time. S and K ran from car to car collecting all sorts of yummy goodies. K was good about keeping her treats in the bag, but S had to munch along the way.

K in front of my decorated Trunk.

K and S with their Loot.

Going from Trunk to Trunk

S and K eating some of their treats

I Need to Change Things....

Maybe it's because I am depressed. Maybe it's because I'm stressed. Maybe it's because N shit all over my car and house tonight and didn't feel the need to tell me about it. I need to get my life in order to where I don't need her here.

Right now I am dependant on the income she provides me. That needs to change. I need to sell my house and downsize. I need to get back into full time work. I need to trim some of the 'fat' off my monthly bills. I need to do something. I just don't think I can do it much longer.

I'm Going to Explode!!!!

So I just called S again. "When are you coming to get the pics done?" I ask. Her response...some time next week - WHAT?! She is busy tonight and leaving town first thing tomorrow. She will be back next Monday. I am so ticked right now. Again, totally taken advantage of and not valued in any way.

Ugh...People are Pissing me Off

What's new...right?

You know those Christmas pics I am trying to take? Well two of the moms are really getting on my nerves. The pic day was Friday. Well a few people couldn't make it...that's fine. But make arrangements with me on when you can come. One of the moms S couldn't come Friday because she was busy with family stuff. Well come to find out it was cancelled and she took the kids to Toys R Us....WHAT!? You could have come and didn't? Then I asked her to come Sunday and she said they would probably be busy....well what the hell....I mean I'm just sitting here in my house doing nothing. Then I tried to call her today and she never called me back. Now this is a friend of mine and she's totally driving me crazy! I feel like telling her never mind, the child doesn't need to be in the pic, but that would punish more then just her.

I just feel like I am always doing all these things for people and I'm just being taken for granted.

Halloween Preview

Not bad considering neither one of them wanted their picture taken.

Pumpkin Carving

The kids had a good time with the pumpkins. S helped scoop out the insides and watched me as I carved out the face. K put her hand in the pumpkin and said "yucky" and went back to the living room to watch TV - so K!! She did like to watch the carving though and posed nicely with the pumpkin when it was done.

We made a huge mess but had a lot of fun. One pumpkin carved...one more to go :)

A Busy 24 hours

Way back when, when I was pregnant, I had some company. In fact, I have 9 other moms who were also pregnant at that time. Within a 7 month period 11 babies were born. Two of the moms moved away, but 8 of us are still around. Since then, every Christmas we have gotten together and taken a group picture of our babies. Last night we started that process.

Due to the difficulty finding a time where 8 moms can all get together, and then trying to get the cooperation of multiple babies/toddlers, I have always taken the pictures and then copy and pasted them into one picture. I will look for the past 2 years and post them when I find them. Anyway, last night several of the kids came and pictures were taken. Today we had another one come and I think two more will come tomorrow. I can't wait to see the finished product.

This morning the kids had a birthday party at Chuckie Cheese. They loved it although I found it way too overwhelming! Way too many kids. We left early as I could feel my nerves were frazzled. We then ran home to pick up N and then go to another Birthday party. The second one though was for an organization we belong to. There was a lot of food and fun! It was outside and it was cold but the kids didn't seem to mind.

Tomorrow will be pumpkin carving!! I will take some pictures and post :)

Funnies

I got these in email today and I thought I would share :) They were labelled "Last Day of Work"

Ummmm, YUCK!

K just pooped in the tub.

I really hope this isn't an indication of how my time off will be.

Aaaaahhhhhh

No more work for 5 whole days. I don't have to wake up again at 6am until next Wednesday. I so need this. After working for six straight days then only getting a one day break before starting again, I am wore out!

Now just because I'm not working doesn't mean I won't be busy. We have plenty to do the next few days including two birthdays parties, photo sessions, playdate, pumpkin carving, gymnastics, etc.....

Ah well, at least I'll get my nap in most days :)

The Cost of Parenthood

When planning for a child you take many things into account. Like daycare, diapers, clothes, food etc. But there is definitely a huge chunk that you forget about...parties, events and holidays. In the last month the kids have had several birthday parties with several more coming up. With $15 to $20 for presents, it definitely adds up. Halloween is coming up and I had to buy costumes and some simple decorations. Then we are going to two Trunk or Treats. One will have about 30 kids, while the other will have about 100 kids!! So I just finished spending about $60 on candy!! Then of course Christmas is coming with I'm sure what will be non-stop parties and events all costing more money I'm sure.

We have such a blast at these events, but I'm sure my credit/debit card will be smoking by the end of December.

I hate Tuesday's

Tuesday's are the day I have chosen to clean my house. I do little things all during the week, but Tuesday's are for laundry, vacuuming, cleaning the kids room and playroom. I am SOOOO not domestic. I hate cleaning and if I could afford it, I would have a cleaning lady in a heartbeat. I am trying to start the kids early. Usually they have to clean their room while I monitor the progress. S does pretty well, but K has already mastered the art of looking like she's doing something while not really doing anything at all.

The funny thing is, I usually do most of my cleaning late at night. The energy usually hits are 10pm and then I go until 1 or 2am. YIKES! Especially since I need to be up on Wednesday at 6am to go to work.

Happy 32nd Birthday!!

Today the twins turn 32 months. I told them that this morning and K's response was she wanted Thomas cake. As a compromise I am baking muffins :)

It is just scary how fast this time has gone. In four short months I will have three year olds. I can't fathom it, I don't understand how it happened. It truly does seem like the twins were born yesterday, yet at the same time, memories of them as little babies are fading. I bring out there photo albums and almost tear up looking at these teeny tiny precious babies.

I have already been thinking about their third birthday and what the theme will be, where it will be held etc. I'm thinking it will be Scooby Doo since that's what the kids are obsessed with lately.

This morning we took some vital stats to see where the twins were

• S - 32.2 pounds (69%) and 37.75 inches (73%)
• K - 26.8 pounds (20%) and 36 inches (38%)

K has put on over a pound since I last weighed her which is shocking because she is still so tiny. S is about the same place percentile wise where he always lands. I am still shocked that my 2 aren't much taller. I am 5'11" and their donor is 6'6". Maybe they will sprout up all of a sudden.

Crappy

Every morning when I leave half asleep to work, I am super careful to make sure I don't hit Q's car. Every morning, despite the fact that I am operating on 5 or less hours of sleep and it's still dark out, I succeed in this task. Tonight...not so lucky.

Tonight was the MOM meeting. At 7pm Q got here and as I pulling out, THUD. I couldn't believe what I did. I jumped out, saw that there wasn't too much damage and left to go to the meeting I was already late for. I called Q on the way and told her what I did.

My cars bumper is a little dented and has some red paint on it. Q's car looks okay. It does look like it got some of my silver paint on it and I told Q to go get it cleaned up and I would pay for it. She kept saying she was fine, and I doubt she will charge me for it.

I can't stand that I did that....but quite honestly, I'm surprised it took this long to happen.

Nothing Profound to Say...

After working five days in a row and having to go back again tomorrow, my brain is fried. I don't have anything worth typing about in this head of mine.

Maybe tomorrow.

???

I am so busy lately. I am beyond tired and I feel like I am being pulled in ten different directions. I just invested $600 into a small business and I have yet to turn out a product. I have a million things on my to do list.

Well last week my mom asks me to build her a webpage for her new "spur of the moment" business idea. I gave her some ideas, but she kind of turned those down and wanted me to build the page for her. I haven't even got my business started but she wants me to work on hers. So I emailed her and told her that despite me wanting to help, that this was not a good time and that maybe in a few weeks I could do it for her. This was her response

"I have to say that I was very hurt with your response to helping me with my webpage. Everyone always wants something from me but when it comes to me wanting or needing something from someone else they are always too busy or just ignore the request completely. I don’t think I ask a lot and when I do ask it’s because I’m stuck and have no where else to turn.

I know it would take time and effort but with all you do in your life surely you can find some time for me.

Dad has completely rejected my request as well. Right now I feel like crying because it has hit me square in the face that everyone thinks I am here to serve them and they owe me nothing in return.

I never have anyone that I can go to when I need help because everyone seems to see me as only the one that helps others when they need someone, never the other way around.

I am very hurt and disappointed and at this point don’t feel like ever doing anything for anyone ever again."

Okay....what!!?? I am so pissed right now! Also, what the hell is she talking about me always wanting her for something! She hasn't done shit for me in months!! In fact the last 2 times I asked for her help (one time I even offered to pay) I was flat out told no. I am so freaking tired of this type of bullshit from my mom.

Help May be on the Way

This is how I feel. I think this machine is against me. It has plotted against me from day one. Nothing is ever easy.

But I think help may be on the way. A friend who owns a home business, who does embroidery, has offered to come over and help me with my machine. She is very good at what she does. I am so happy that she has offered me this and I will definitely take her up on it.

I get to work all weekend (Oh Joy!) so hopefully I will be able to set something up next week.

It's got to get easier right...

I hate my machine right now. I can't get it to work the way I want to. Every time I think I have it figured out....I don't. I want to use some fancier fonts and make the shirts more pretty but I'm thinking right now, that's not possible. I will just have to stay simple for now. I think tomorrow I will be able to sew the two shirts for my friend and then next week I will make the remainder of my shirts.

Keep me in your thoughts :)

I Don't Understand Why I'm So Upset

I found out today that a friend of mine is pregnant. It really upset me. It's not that I'm not happy for her, but I think it's a reminder of how if my life hadn't been thrown a huge upset this year, I would probably be pregnant too. I think it makes it worse because we were pregnant together before and her daughter was actually born the day before S & K. I think it was just a big reminder of what could have been, but I never would have predicted my response.

On other news I 'peaked' on the Clear Blue Fertility Monitor this Tuesday and Wednesday which doesn't seem like much, but since I started using it (off and on this last year) it's the first time I have registered a peak!! Wahoo...something going the way it should be.

I'm a Fu@king Failure

The last few days I have failed my diet miserably. I am eating what I want again and I am so unhappy with myself. I think my depression is still quite prevalent because I am definitely self-loathing right now. I hate myself and it seems like I will do anything to screw things up. I don't get it. I have so much riding on this weight loss and yet I still can't pull it off.

I'm Getting There

Here is my practice run for two shirts my friend J wants. The actual shirts will be red and I'm looking for a thicker font. I'm think white may show up better. Either way I think I have this figured out. I am going to make some shirts and then post them on Ebay. Once I am sold out of all the shirts I have then I will make the decision on whether or not to continue this. I hope I do, but to be honest it's a lot more work then I thought. Of course that may change when I figure it out, but right now I am uncertain about how far I will take it.

At least I will always have the machine and I can always do small things for the twins and friends.

As Promised...

The photographer just sent me one family picture as a preview. The whol CD won't be back for another few weeks. I have to say I am pretty delighted with this one. I wish K looked happier but to be honest, that is how she looks most of the time.

THOMAS!!!

Today I took the kids to Day Out with Thomas. We went along with 4 other twins families. The kids learned of this trip a few days ago and have been very excited. In fact K crawled into my bed this morning and said "mama we go Thomas!"

We got there at about 10am. S decided that since he couldn't do what he wanted, like climb all over the trains, that he wouldn't do anything at all. K enjoyed seeing the different characters and sitting on the trains. S finally came around after lunch and decided to pose in some pictures. They both had an absolute blast riding the train. With 4 sets of twins it did get very hectic but all in all we had a good day.

Some of the twins on the train.

A Busy 24 Hours & The Diet Gods are Against Me

Friday night when I got home from work I had to run out and find something for all of us to wear for family portraits on Saturday. Luckily my friend S and her daughter came with us so it wasn't as stressful and boring as it usually is. 4 hours and 5 stores later I got S a nice simple outfit which will also work as the base for his Christmas outfit (YEAH) and I got K a VERY cute jumper dress. I got myself a white dress top which I hate but it fit and it matched S and K nicely.

We got up and headed to the park Saturday morning for our Family pics. This was the event I organized for the MOM group. I had the first appointment and then had to stay the entire morning to facilitate the rest of the families having their pics taken. The twins were really good for having to be at the park all morning long. I think overall the pics went really, really well. I will post some pictures when I get them.

We then ran home, had an hour nap and then drove out to my friend G who was having a picnic. Initially I was good having a decent portion of potatoes, bread and pork but then the dessert table was unveiled and I have to say I failed the temptation. Which bring me to the idea that the Diet Gods are Against Me!! You remember the first day of my diet and unlimited temptation? Follow that up with several of those everyday since! I have done really well but then caved at the picnic. I gave up! I have been good since, but man, enough with the tests!!

G with each of the twins.

Well I Have Been Playing...

I got my machine today. I am working out the kinks and will probably have to work through the weekend on it before I can make anything worth selling. I am figuring it out though. Hopefully I'll be in production next week :)

I'm so excited!!!!!!!

According to the tracking number on UPS.com I should have my embroidery machine tomorrow!!! I can't wait. I really, really hope this works out for me!! Yippee!!

Diet Day One....Not too Bad

My biggest splurge was 2 rice cakes :) So I did very well.

I need to give myself credit though. I went to an all day class today. When I got there they were serving breakfast. Biscuits, bacon, eggs, gravy, sausage...you name it. I enjoyed a slimfast shake. Lunch came. Meat pie, potato salad, coleslaw, chocolate cake. I enjoyed a slimfast. Few hours later, cookies and brownies. I had a drink of diet coke.

I think I pissed off the diet gods, why else would I have so much temptation the first day! I'm so glad I made it through today!