March for Babies

Today I participated in the March of Dimes Walk for Babies. I didn't walk, but rather the twin mom group ran a station along the route to provide water and treats for those who were walking. Our group participated because many of our members have early deliveries since, of course, multiples puts you at high risk for pre-term labor. Many of our members did walk, including my friend J (mentioned in post above) who had her twins at 29 weeks.

It was also a very timely event. This week I have had two friends deliver their children far before they were supposed to come. C had her baby girl on Tuesday at 27 weeks. She weighed just over a pound and so far seems to be a fighter. She is only on nasal oxygen and while it's still very early in her stay, they haven't faced any big challenges yet. Another friend, S, delivered her triplet boys on Thursday. She was just over 29 weeks along. She did awesome at growing those boys though. All three were well over 3 pounds! They are also doing well thus far. All on CPAP or oxygen and again, no big challenges yet.

Day 30

A Picture

This is like the 3rd or 4th request for a picture and I am having a rough time figuring out how to not post the same thing over and over. Well since this is my last post, I have run out of the energy to find that original, unique photo so I will leave you with this

Day 29

Three Wishes

1. That my children will be happy, successful and always know that they are loved.
2. That my health will remain stable until my children are grown. I do not want to be a burden to them.
3. That my financial plan plays out the way I expect and that I get control over my weight so that I can in the next few years be able to have a fourth child.

I know that last one has a few within it, but they are all related :0P

Day 28

What Stresses You Out

Yep. Big Surprise. I am working very hard to change this. I am confident that as long as I am not faced with any road blocks, I will have this 'under control' in a year or two. I fantasize about life without debt. I can't wait. Now, I will still have to be very careful and of course will still have other stresses like three children, N, work, life in general, but I am confident that without the constant concern related to money, I will be much more relaxed and content :0)

Day 27

Pets

Currently there is one pet in the house. Madilyn, or Maddy, is a white Mutt I got from the pound almost 11 years ago. The thought is she is a Brittany Spaniel, English Setter Mix. She is about 50 pounds and has the longest, white, pain in the butt hair. When I first purchased her, she was my child. She was spoiled rotten. She saw Santa and the Easter Bunny each year; received 3 to 4 packages in the mail each month; was the star of my Christmas cards and photographic hobby. She was pretty much another human in the house.


I feel bad for Maddy as now I sometimes question whether or not she has been fed each day. Sadly with the time and energy committments of three kids, Maddy is at the bottom of the totem pole for me. I have already decided that when she goes, we will be a pet free home. I am happy though that S has really bonded with her. He loves her a lot and talks about her often. I have told S that Maddy is his dog now and he does pretty well with the responsibility, considering he is 5.

In the past I have had two other dogs. I had a black lab for a few years named Connor. She was a sweet dog who was dumb as dirt. Sadly when I became pregnant with the twins I could barely care for myself and since Connor was fairly new to the family, she was given to a friend. Also, when I was a teen I had a dog named Zach (see, I have loved the name for years :) ) He was a Cocker Spaniel Mix. I had him about one year. When we moved into a new home my mom wouldn't allow him in the house - he wasn't house trained - and he couldn't be an outside dog.

Day 26

A Picture of Your Family

Taken just a few days ago on Easter Sunday :0)

Day 25

Your Favorite Memory

I have two...

The first time I held S & K. A few hours after birth.
And M's birth. Here he is a few hours old.

Day 24

Something You've Learned

I have learned a lot of things in the past 31 years. Heck, I truly believe that I learn something new everyday. There are a few life lessons I have learned along the way, and most of them were learned the hard way.

Never Get Comfortable - it seems like every time I get 'comfortable' in life, I am thrown a curve ball. Financial instability, illness, the loss of Zach, they all came at times in my life were I was relaxed, feeling content with the idea that I was in control. I obviously wasn't. Unfortunately, I haven't felt 'comfortable' in a long time, and even then, when I am starting to make headway in certain areas something unexpected comes my way to push me back.

People Don't Change - I know a lot of people argue with me on this one. In my life, no one has changed. They may put on a front for awhile, but eventually their true self shines through again. This is what has caused me to shut people out of my life. I don't believe they will ever change into people I want in my life, so why waste the energy on them.

The Only Person I can Truly Rely on is Me - Everything I have in life, all my accomplishments, times of joy, material things I have earned on my own. Nothing has ever been given to me. I was not born with a silver spoon. And while some may see this lesson as a negative one I don't. I am a stubborn, independent person and I take care of my own. I wouldn't have it any other way. I do not want to be 'cared for'. I like being my own person and I think it has given me incredible strength and resilience.

You Get From Things What You Put Into Them - I spend the greatest amount of energy, emotion and time on my children and as a result I get the greatest amount of joy, accomplishment and happiness from them. I also put in a great deal of effort into my job, and while it is tough, I do enjoy my work. Many of the things in my life which bring me negativity and stress are things that I tend to neglect or see poorly to begin with. This is a lesson in which I continue to learn, and one I still have a lot of work on.

Day 23

Favorite Trip

Well, like I said below, I'm not really a traveler. I have never been anywhere exotic of foreign. I could only dream of one day flying to Australia or Europe. Anywhere that I have traveled to this point in my life has been to visit with family.

But if I had to chose a favorite trip, I think I would chose the short Beach trip I took with the kids last summer. It was only for the weekend and we only drove for a few hours but it was nice. I loved that it was the first time I went anywhere special with just me and the kids. Max was a great age - 5 months - and the twins behaved really well. We met up with a friend while there and visited the aquarium. It was just nice. Laid back. No pressure. Not too expensive. The kids got to experience a night in a hotel - which they thought was great - and a trip to the beach. If we weren't already planning a weekend in the mountains and the Texas trip, it would have been a trip that I would have tried to repeat this year.

Day 22

Favorite City

This is a very random subject and one I don't really have an answer for. I'm not really a traveler. I stick pretty close to home, and while I have a list of cities I would like to visit, if I do travel, it to an area with people I know. So here are the cities I would visit if I could...

• Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. This is the area in which I was born and grew up. I still have friends and some family in the area. I used to travel to Ottawa once per year to renew my VISA but this is an off year. I probably won't go again until Spring of 2013. Most of my friends in the area have met the twins, but not Max.
  
• Stuart, Florida. This is where all my mom's family lives. I have grandparents and 2 aunts along with multiple cousins. I would love to go and visit again soon, but I don't think that will happen until Winter of 2012. Many of my family has come here and met Max, but there are still a handful there who have not yet seen him in person.
• Katy, Texas. This is where a good friend of mine lives and where I will be visiting this summer. I have never been to TX, in fact I don't think I have been further West than West Virginia maybe?? I am looking forward to this trip as are the kids.
  

Day 21

A Picture of Yourself

Didn't we just do this? I had to include a picture on day #1 with my intro. I hate pics of myself. I am rarely infront of the camera and then when I concede I am never happy with the results. Since then kids I have made an effort to have a family portrait taken every year. I was doing pretty well the first couple of years, but I have definitely fallen off the wagon since M was born. My plan is to have family pics at Christmas, and this time at least one including myself.

Here are two pictures. One I like. Yes, I am WAY younger but more importantly I am not overweight and I am healthy. I want to be that again!

And one now....eh

Day 20

Nicknames

I really don't have any cool nicknames. I am often called James by friends, but that is as 'different' as it gets. When I was a child my mom's first husband called me 'Loco' which is 'crazy' in Spanish. Since I hate everything about him it's not a nickname I look at with fondness.

Day 19

Something You Miss

No Brainer...

Day 18

Something I Regret

This is hard. I don't really think I regret anything. There is no big event in my life that I wish I could do over again. I certainly wish there were things that I didn't experience, but they were not the result of my decision. I guess you could say I regret things like letting myself get this overweight or allowing myself to spend too much money and not having a better financial cushion. But there is no regret with my family, my kids, career or any other major choice I have made in my life. I think overall I have made some pretty good choices when it comes to the important things in life.

Day 17

Something You're Looking Forward To

Right now the thing I am looking forward to most is my vacation to Texas. I am looking forward to the break from work and N. I am looking forward to seeing my friend again. And I am looking forward to seeing the twins squared together again.

I am not however looking forward to flying with three kids by myself - I am terrified of flying - and I am not looking forward to Texas in August.

Day 16

Your Dream Home

While my house maybe nothing fancy, overly large or perfect in all ways, it's my home and I love it. I have often said that if I won the lottery tomorrow, I wouldn't move. I would fix up many things here that I want to do now but can't afford, but I would stay. I like it here and I don't want to move if I don't have to.

So, with that lottery money I would pave the driveway (I still have such a hard time with the gravel) I would replace all the floors (kids and dogs have been rough) I would fully fence in the backyard, have some landscaping done and build a nice big shed that would double as a playhouse. And then of course....a maid and gardener to help keel it all up :0)

A picture of my home during a pretty snow fall...

Day 15

Bible verse

Well. This one isn't very applicable to me. There are many verses in the bible in which I can support and fully agree with, but I do not know any of them. So I will leave you with 2 quotes. One, a quote that I heard when I was in my early teens and really liked, and the other something I read the other day in which I have been thinking a lot about and how it might apply to my life.

"Perfect from the start, that small cell, contains already the wrinkles and death of an old man"

and

"Those who deserve love the least, need it the most"

Day 14

A Picture that you Love

Now normally I would put a picture of my kids here. I have many I love. But I thought I would make an attempt to go outside the box and post a picture of some artwork that I love.

A few years ago I discovered the artwork of Gustuv Klimt. I love his art. Many of his works feature mothers during pregnancy, with their children or in the embrace of their spouse. It's colorful, but also has darkness in the background. This one is my favorite, but I like many others. This picture and one other is hung in the upstairs hallway. I would love to accquire and frame more :0)

Day 13

Goals

Goals. This is something I think a lot about, but often don't have the strength or will power to pull off. I would say my biggest goals are

• Become more financially stable. I am trying hard this to eliminate all my debt (minus the mortgage) This will probably take 2 years to accomplish, but I think I can get rid of a large chunk this year. That is of course if my house and car stop falling apart. Last week I was out $240 for a flat tire - grrrrr.
• Lose weight. Geez, I think this has been a goal of mine since I started this blog in 2008. Kind of sad. It's a struggle and one that I have yet to face head on with a plan. I need to get a plan though, since some of my other goals depend on it.
• Have a fourth child. This goal is totally dependant on the first two goals. I would have loved for M and the next one to be closer in age, but that wouldn't be the right thing to do right now. So it looks like there will be a larger age gap then intended, but in the end will be the right thing for all of us.
• I would like to get a better sleep schedule. Maybe this and losing weight will then give me more energy. Energy I can spend on being a more physical mom and better housekeeper.
• Remain symptom free from MS. While I don't have any control over this one, it's still a goal. A big one.
• Return to a full time work schedule. This one also requires more energy, but would play a huge part in goal number one, and let's face it, would make some things a lot easier - but inevitably some things harder.

And of course the ultimate goal, to be a good mom to my children so that they can grow into happy, well adjusted, contented individuals who have the power and resources within them to meet their full potential.

Day 12

What you believe

Hmmm, this is a tough one. I'm not religious. I'm not into astrology, psychics or any real belief of higher powers. I am a very black and white person. My mind understands science, math and true facts. Gray areas, blind faith and interpretation isn't something I can embrace.

I try to live a good life and be a good person and hope that others around me so the same. I remove negativity and drama from my life and I don't believe that people can change who they are. While logically I believe that most people have good intentions my heart usually believes the opposite and until I really know someone they are kept at arm's length. I believe the world is one crazy place but I don't believe it's any worse now than before.

And I believe that the child who is now at my feet REALLY needs a clean diaper! Wow!

Day 11 (Also my 700th Post )

Your Favorite TV Shows

Ah, I love TV. I watch a ton of it if I could, but I never have time. Thank goodness for the DVR or I wouldn't watch anything. I have made a deal with myself that I would not pick up anymore TV shows since I have a hard time keeping up with the ones I do record. Some seasons this works, others...not so much.

Before I get into what I watch now I will share some of the classics. X-Files was probably my first love. Others include Friends, ER, Nip/Tuck, Will & Grace and LOST.

My current list includes (in no particular order)
-Desperate Housewives
-CSI Miami
-Two & a Half Men
-Big Bang Theory
-The Good Wife
-Law & Order SVU - I was also a fan of the original and CI
-Criminal Minds
-House
-Grey's Anatomy
-Private Practice
-CSI
-CSI NY
-16 & Pregnant - shhhh, this is a total guilty pleasure
-Intervention
-Modern Family

Such great shows for a multitude of reasons :0)

Day 10

Something You Are Afraid Of

I have lots of fears. Snakes, public speaking, death. Those typical ones that many people will share. But I think the things I fear the most are the things that effect my children.

Am I a good enough mom?
Am I failing my kids?
Will my kids grow up to resent the choices I made?
Will I always be able to provide for them the way I want to?
Will my MS cause me to be a burden to them?
Will the know how much they were wanted and how much I love them?

And lastly, I fear that my children may grow into the kind of people that my siblings represent. I watched my parents struggle through many tough years of child after child dropping out of school, abusing drugs, getting into trouble with the law, treating them with such hatred and disrespect. It would break my heart if that were to happen with my children. I just hope that with large genetic difference and calmer childhood, my children will grow up well adjusted and happy people.

Day 9

A Picture of Your Friends

Well, as I have posted before, I don't think I have any 'Best Friends' or someone that would drop everything and come to my rescue, but I am surrounded by a few good friends who I do think I can count on for the most part and who have consistently been in my life for the past several years.

J
I actually have known J the longest. When I started working in 2000 she was a coworker but worked another shift. We seemed to click pretty well. She is the same age as my mom, which I like to bug her about :0). I think J and I would have become much better friends, but about 7 years ago she took a position that made her my boss...so while we still get along great, and I love working with her, because of our work relationship there is kind of a restriction on our friendship. We do hang out some outside of work - she went to the MS walk with us - but our relationship is mostly based at work.

L
I met L and her husband in 2004 when taking classes to start the process of adoption. Her and her husband had difficulty conceiving and hoped to be able to adopt using the same program I did. Sadly, I was not the only one who suffered loss and frustration. L and her husband were able to adopt, but went privately and now have a wonderful son, who is just 6 months older than the twins. Our kids have grown up together and L and I have shared parenthood together. She is a great friend and I think if we had more time in our busy lives, we could get to be much closer too. She is one of the few who has consistenly been there for me, even during the lowest of my lows.
J
I met J online in 2006 when I joined an online support group for single moms by choice. She immediately emailed me when I joined and explained that she was a single mom with triplets and was newly pregnant with twins. I thought she was a troll. There was no way crazy people like that actually exisited :0P Well of course she did exist and over the years we became closer and closer. J could totally be my best friend...problem...she lives in Texas. We have many similar beliefs, parenting styles, backgrounds and goals - we just can't talk politics :0) We have met twice now, both time her family coming to me, she is the friend I will be visiting this August.
C
I met C in 2006 when I joined a local mommies group. She also has twins. Her b/g twins are about 6 months older than mine. Our friendship kind of waxes and wanes. Throughout everything though, she has always been a good caretaker to the kids and has been my backup babysitter for years.

Day 8

A Place You've Traveled To

I'm going to be boring here too :0( I haven't traveled anywhere exotic or special. My travel pretty much consists of Canada and Florida. Of course Canada is where I grew up, and until this year made a yearly trip back to renew my work VISA. And Florida is where my mom grew up and therefor most of her family is down there.

Sadly our last trip to Florida was too long ago. We spent Christmas of 2008 there. It was a great time and the twins even sometime mention things from that trip. I did have lots of fun and I remember the twins did really well. In fact I would say they probably did better then, than I would anticipate now. My current plan is to return sometime in 2012.
In May of 2009, and just shy of getting out of the first trimester, I made the trip to Canada with the twins and Q came along for the fun too. We spent some days in a hotel and I played tour guide. Q was a great help and despite being miserably pregnant, I did enjoy myself.
This was our last trip. Max was born later that year and I haven't felt crazy enough to travel with three kids. This of course will change this summer when we all fly to Texas. I don't think about it too much because I am panicked when I think about flying - that in itself terrifies me and causes anxiety and nausea - but also flying with three kids!!! At least when I'm in TX I will have a fried to help - although she also has 5 kids. I have a few months to psych myself up.

Day 7

Your Favorite Movies

I used to be a huge movie fan. I watched movies all the time. I think I had over 300 DVD's in my collection and spent a lot of my free time at the video store renting all the new releases. I didn't have a specific type. I loved comedies, horror, suspense, drama and thrillers. I think the only movies I didn't watch were (1) movies that were gory and bloody just for shock value (2) movies that were primarily about violence (3) and those stupid teeny-bopper movies about teens and their 'crazy' high school lives. Other than that, I pretty much was game for anything.

Well, then there came twins and my movie experience died. I don't think I've seen more than 5 movies in the theater since their birth and I have probably seen 10-15 movies that have been made since 2006 and only when they came on the television. I have sold, given away or donated all my DVD's. It's kind of sad...but that's what it is.

And another movie fact...although I loved movies and watched them all the time, chances are if you name an epic movie - Casablanca, Gone with the Wind, It's a Wonderful Life, Schindler's List - I haven't seen it. Yep...one day when the kids are gone and I am old and retired I will rekindle my movie love and catch up...maybe even with the classics.

Day 6

A picture of something that makes you happy

Need I say more??

We had this photo shoot yesterday. I had all the kids outfits picked out for a few weeks. I got everyone ready and told the twins to head to the car. Somehow from the house to the car S ended up with dirt all over the front of the shirt. I tried to wipe it off but it wouldn't come off. I threw a fit, got in the car and stopped by the store on the way to the photo shoot. Luckily it was on the way. We got a new shirt and got to the gardens a few minutes early. No sooner than we got there, S put his hands in a mud puddle and then wiped them on his shirt. It took every last ounce of strength not to strangle him. I was able to get most off and the rest was covered with posing or with tucking the shirt in.

Day 5

Your Siblings

Seriously...okay, here it goes. I have one step sister and three half siblings...here are their stories.

Step Sister T - I don't have anything to do with T. She currently lives in Canada. She is one year younger than me and a complete mess. She has borderline personality disorder and I'm sure many other mental illness'. She has a history or promiscuity, suicide attempts, abortions, prostitution and she's a pathological liar. You really can't believe anything she tells you. She has spent time in jail, uses drugs and alcohol and her life is a total drama. She dropped out of highschool but did end up with her GED and frighteningly got her degree in Social Work (I can't believe she has a job, at times, in which she guides others!) In the past few years she has gotten a boob job which apparently was botched - to which she got some sort of settlement - got engaged, has beaten so badly from said fiance twice that she was hospitalized for some time, however neither time charges were filed, has gotten pregnant, suffered a miscarriage and has left the fiance. Now, this is all according to her, which sadly means that none of it can be believed, however with the way she lives her life, wouldn't be surprising if all true. As a result of her drama, the last time I think I spoke to her was years before the twins were even born.

Oldest Brother J - He is 4 years younger than me. He is also extremely mentally ill and I fully believe that if it came down to it, he would have no problem killing one of us, if it got him ahead. He has been 'off'' since a young age and has always had issues socially. He has been diagnosed bipolar and with anti-social personality disorder. He is also into drugs. He never graduated highschool but did get his GED. In the last 6 or 7 years he has been in a jail in Canada. He initially went to jail for robbing a corner store. Then was let out and robbed a bank within a month or so. For some reason after a few years was let out again when he car jacked someone and I think robbed another business. He is currently in jail but who knows how long. Society is better off if he stays there. He obviously cannot handle his freedom and puts other people at risk when he is out. I have no doubt that he is headed to an early grave. He has been in many jail house fights and one day will piss off the wrong person. I also have cut J out of my life. While I have spoken to him a few times on the phone, I have not seen him since well before the twins were born as well.

Younger Brother J - He is 6 years younger than me. While he is also screwed up, I guess it's not to the level of the other J. J has his own share of mental illness. He also didn't graduate, got his GED and completed some college classes. He lives in Canada with his wife and two children. Sadly I also don't have a relationship with J because he is pretty heavy into smoking pot, drinking and he has been domestically violent with his wife on multiple occasions that I am aware of, so who knows how often it actually happens. With the way we grew up, I will not tolerate a husband beating his wife, so while the drugs are bad enough, it's the domestic violence that seals it for me. Neither him nor his wife work. They live off the social system getting high. I am angry with both of them because not only are they total losers, but they have two children who they are exposing all this crap too.

Youngest J - I talk about J quite often here because she is the only sibling that is here locally and the only one who I have any contact with. She is a lost soul too, but I hope she can mature and get better. She is 10 years younger than me, so 21. She barely graduated highschool with a 1.9 GPA and has taken a few college courses but not done very well with them. She has no real job. She is obsessed with herself. She wants to be cared for and wants other people to do everything for her. She is very flirty, posts very suggestive pictures of herself online and to a certain degree is promiscuous (she sleeps with all her boyfriends fairly quickly, but not random hookups) She is in debt up her eyeballs and has totally screwed her credit. When one of her creditors comes looking, one of many guys will give her money to pay the bill just because. Things like this drive me nuts because I couldn't just sit back and let people do that. She has no home because she can't follow rules and is disrespectful. So she stay with my parents for a few days until they kick her out, then comes here for a little while, then with a friend etc and just continues the circle. I hold out hope that she will mature, but I think more and more that she has a narcissistic personality disorder and unless she finds a husband who wants a wife he can take care of and show off, she is screwed.

Whew...

Day 4

Your Parents

My mom D is going to be 53 this year. She has black hair, brown eyes and has an olive complexion. She also struggles with her weight, but it much more successful in controlling it than I am. She was born in Canada, was raised in Florida and then moved back to Canada again shortly before my birth. She now currently lives near me in the States. She is also a nurse, although until recently never worked as one. She graduated from nursing school when I was a toddler, but ran a home daycare while we kids were growing up. In the last 6 or 7 years she has started working as a nurse in different settings and specialties.

She has not had an easy life. She grew up with an alcoholic, abusive father. She ended up pregnant in her early 20's with me, but my biological father didn't stick around. She raised me on her own until I was 2-ish when she married her first husband Jose. He was another horrible, abusive man who made life for my mom and me miserable. For the next 10 years he came in and out of our life, adding three more kids to the mix, until he was deported back to his birth country, Venezuela. It was around this time that I mom married her current husband, and the man I call Dad, D. They have now been married for 15 or 16 years (I know...bad that I don't know)

Here is a pic of my mom...but she is like me and hates her photo taken. As a result I had virtually nothing to chose from and this was it.
My dad is going to be 51 this year. He has light brown hair and blue eyes. He works as an engineer. He worked for all long time in the cell phone industry but recently has started working in the health care field. He grew up and spent most his adult life in Canada before moving here about 12 years ago. He enjoys work, but even more he enjoys his cabin. I think he would live there if my mom would let him. He also enjoys travel, outdoor activities and in a past life was a small game hunter. He has been pretty good to my mom and us kids.

He has had some rough times too. He has a daughter who is one year younger than me. He also had a son, but sadly he died from a form of bone cancer when he was just three years old. After this, his marriage quickly dissolved and his first wife kind of went crazy. She became pretty abusive and eventually they divorced. Shortly after this, he met my mom.

My kids love their Pop-pop and I love to see them with him. Since they don't have a father, my dad is really their main male role model and he has really embraced this role. I think S would spend every moment with him if I let him, and I assume M will be the same.

Day 3

Your First Love

Well, as I said in Day 1's post, I have never been in a serious relationship, so never really had a 'love'. So as dorky as it sounds, my first love would have to be Zachary James...my first son.
He was born on August 31st 2004 and I took him home 2 days later. I fell in love with him the second I saw him. There was never any question in my heart, he was mine.

He had light brown/blond hair and blue eyes. He was the chubby baby I would not get with my biological children. He had a wonderful temperament and was a really good baby. Many people commented that he looked like me - the chubby helped - and the two of us made a great little family.

For almost 6 months my heart was full and I was the happiest I had ever been. I was looking forward to completing the adoption and that summer requesting a second child. Zach was sitting on his own and almost crawling. He loved playing with toys and lying on the floor with the dogs. He was often smiling and had a mouth full of teeth.

The day he was taken was my darkest day. I don't think I left the house for days. I cried non-stop and lost the will to live. There are times I look back and wonder how I made it through, knowing the thoughts I had within me. He left March 5th 2005. If I hadn't found a way to see some hope and start the TTC process I don't think I would have made it.

On the one year anniversary of his loss, I was holding the twins who were only a few weeks old. I know that logically there is no way I would have the twins if Zach never left, but I would like to think that in a perfect world I would still have all four of my children.

Day 2

Meaning behind your blog name

Well, honestly I am not very creative and this is what I came up with. It came from everyone constantly asking me if I'm crazy. While everyone in my life has been pretty supportive of my desire to be a single mom, I don't think any of them truly understand. They don't get why someone would willingly want to parent children on their own. They don't understand not having the need to be partnered throughout life. So often I am playfully asked..."Are you crazy!?"

When I started this blog I only had the twins. I had been recently diagnosed with MS and I was playing with the idea of having another child. Again, most people were supportive, but very nervous about me having another child with the new diagnosis. So that's why I chose the title "How Crazy....." because I was making decision that some felt was even more crazy than the last :0)

Day 1

Introduce yourself; Include a recent picture; And 15 interesting facts

Well, I am J. I am a 31 year old single mom by choice to three amazing kids. I live on the East Coast but grew up in Canada. I work as a registered nurse with cancer patients, and have been doing this for 11 years. I am severely overweight :0( and was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 2008. I am a homebody who prefers a night at home with my family over a night on the town.
I am the oldest of five kids. I have one step sister and three half siblings. I am the only child of my mother and father. I never knew my father though, he left my mom when she was pregnant. Only one sibling, J, the youngest, lives around here. The other three live in Canada and I really don't have any contact with them.

15 Interesting Facts

1. I have never wanted to be married or in a long term relationship. In fact I have never been in a significant relationship. I have an unhealthy fear of abandonment (thank you biological father) and grew up in a very abusive household (thank you mom's first husband). When I was a teenager I was already talking about having my family using a sperm donor.
2. I found my biological grandparents when I was a teen. When I called them they asked that I never call back. I am pretty sure that within the last few years I have also found my dad, but he doesn't respond to any of my attempts at communication.
   
3. I was obsessed with twins as a child/teen. All my dolls were twins, I read twin books, I did science reports. Where ever I could work twins into the subject I did. I decided that I would adopt twin girls from China because I knew I would never have twins on my own since there is no history in my family. I guess the moral here is be careful what you wish for :0)
4. My mom named all her kids using a name with the first letter J. For this reason I refuse to have two children with the same first letter. For this reason some of the names that are out for future children are McKenna, Madison, Kadence, Morgan, Jordan and Karter.
   
5. I have always wanted 4 or 5 children. I never felt a strong desire to be pregnant so I was fine with starting, and potentially sticking with adoption to build my family. Obviously after losing Zach I turned to pregnancy, but if his adoption would have been successful, there is a good chance I would never have had biological children. I still hold a desire to adopt, but due to red tape, risk and finances, I don't think it will ever happen.
6. I still want to have another child - big surprise. I figure I have a few years to get some things in order before I have to make a final decision on this.
   
7. I have a horrible sleep schedule. I am a night owl and can't acclimate. I go to bed every night after midnight and wake up at 6a or 7a depending on whether or not I am working. I hate it. I could sleep in until noon every day if the kids let me.
8. I nap everyday that I don't work. Whether it's from the MS, my lack of sleep or my hectic schedule I live and work tired all the time. I would say that I have a moderate level of fatigue at all times and it does wear me down at times.
9. I used to love to scrapbook and actually had both the twins first year scrapbook done by the time they were 14 months. Since those books I haven't done anything. I just can't find the time and the motivation.
10. I follow routine to a tee. I would love to live in this home until I die. I have the same home phone number that I did 12 years ago and although I would like to get rid of my land line I can't because then I would loose the number. My email has been the same since high school and for the same reason, I can't change it. I have worked in the same place since I graduated nursing school. I have often gone out of my way to keep things the same even when they cause me more hardship or challenge.
    
11. I watch far too much TV, but never when it's actually on. The twins control the TV so all my shows get DVR'd. It's well into the summer before I catch up on all my shows.
12. In High school I played basketball and was quite good. I was on a team that ranked 6th in the province.
    
13. In high school I won the "Christian Leadership Award" which is a huge joke to this day, because if you know me, you know that I go between agnostic and atheism. I was that way then too. I guess I put on a good show.
14. For the 7th and 8th grade I maintained the highest grade in the entire school. Every semester the released the top ten and I was number one :0)
15. I often feel that my only purpose in life is to be a mom. It's the only thing I think I do well and love doing. Everything else is just what I have to do to be a good mom.
    

I tried really hard on these. I didn't want to just put stuff you guys already knew.

30 Days of Blogging

Got this idea from a fellow blogger! Its the 30 days of blogging... So I will be participating starting tomorrow :0)

Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts Day

2-Meaning behind your blog name

Day 3-Your first love

Day 4-Your parents

Day 5-Your siblings

Day 6-A picture of something that makes you happy

Day 7-Favorite movies

Day 8-A place you’ve traveled to

Day 9-A picture of your friends

Day 10-Something you’re afraid of

Day 11-Favorite TV shows

Day 12-What you believe

Day 13-Goals

Day 14-A picture you love

Day 15-Bible verse

Day 16-Dream house

Day 17-Something you’re looking forward to

Day 18-Something you regret

Day 19-Something you miss

Day 20-Nicknames

Day 21-Picture of yourself

Day 22-Favorite city

Day 23-Favorite vacation

Day 24-Something you’ve learned

Day 25-Favorite memory

Day 26-Picture of your family

Day 27-Pets

Day 28-Something that stresses you out

Day 29-3 Wishes

Day 30-a picture

Monday

Today I am better. By better I mean that I am not confined to a chair/couch, I am no longer suffering from the intense spasms that I was over the weekend, but I am in no way pain free.

Sitting and walking is still very painful. I have shooting pains when I walk and occasionally while sitting. Lying is really the only position that is comfortable. My mom had to leave this morning, which did stink, but I understood and I really am able to minimally deal with life.

Today to test the waters I ran out to pick up some Scentsy orders. It wasn't horrible but not real easy either. The biggest problem of course is M who I have to put in and out of carseats and then who wants to walk everywhere. I still CANNOT bend over so I can't let him walk around. He is much quicker than I am and I can't scoop him up when needed. I came home and napped and then picked the kids up from school. The rest of the day was spent mostly in my chair while the kids created chaos around me.

Tomorrow morning S has another dental appointment. Again, I will be able to do it, it will just be more challenging. I am supposed to work this Thursday and Friday which at this point I don't see happening. Who knows though. As bad as I am today, it's significantly better than yesterday, so I will have to see what Tuesday and Wednesday brings.

I really hope this is an isolated event. I never want to be in this much pain again.

...And Ended Horribly

The past two weeks my lower back has been bugging me. It's a constant gnaw that I thought would eventually go away. Well it didn't and sadly when A and his moms were here, my back went completely out and started to spasm.

Since I couldn't just ignore our special visitors I dealt with the pain and continued moving. I sat, walked and chatted through some of the most painful times of my life. I was near tears, nauseous and sweaty the whole time. I explained to them what happened, but I'm sure they thought I was a little crazy. Pushing through it was probably not the best thing to do, but something I felt necessary based on what was going on.

After they left I laid down and hoped I would wake up better. No so. As I was waking my mom texted me to say that she was going to come spend the weekend here because my dad was going to the mountains and she won't stay by herself. BONUS! I explained to her that it was perfect timing because my back was causing problems. By that night I was unable to walk and every few hours I would go into the most horrific pain with spasms. Natural childbirth was a breeze compared to this.

Once my mom was here I was talking flexeril and vicoden on top of the ibuprofen with limited improvement. The plan is to stay on the couch until Monday when my mom leaves and HOPE that the pain is better by then.

It Started Out Wonderfully....

Today was the big day. The day that one of the children's donor siblings came to visit.

A and his moms arrived here around 10a this morning. They had driven for hours and only stopped long enough for a few hours sleep before they came to visit. The twins were so funny. I still don't think they fully understand the concept but they were beyond excited to see A and his moms. When they pulled up S ran out to the car and literally grabbed A by his hands pulling him into the house to show him around.

A is a sweet boy. He seemed a little overwhelmed by the energy the twins spewed at him. I'm sure it was a combination of being an only child and only having a few hours of sleep. His moms were awesome and sweet and it was great talking to them. It was neat to hear why they chose the specific donor, what A was a like as a baby, toddler and now. He is only a few months older than the twins so it was a perfect match up.

I think if there was any resemblance it would be between K and him. I do have to say though that A does look a lot like his mom. But like K he has a slighter build; has a smaller head shape and I think there is some resemblance in the face. I didn't see too much resemblance between the boys, but since everyone goes on and on about how much they look like me, that would make sense.
After we hung out at the house a bit we went out to an inflatable play place for the kids to go wild. The kids and M had a blast running around and playing. It was mostly the boys and then K running here or there or playing with M. We spent a good hour there and everyone got a long great. After bouncing we went out to lunch.
After lunch, sadly we had to say goodbye. They had another full day or so of driving to their destination. A wanted S to go with him and the twins wanted to know if he'd be back tomorrow to play again. It was great to see them get along so well. After having a hell of a time getting out of my driveway - stuck several times and one of the moms falling in the mud - they finally headed off. I wish we lived closer. Luckily though, they are moving to Florida and will be setting up their home not far from where all my family lives, so we should be able to see them whenever we visit family.
Hopefully this is the first of many visits with A, but also with their other donor siblings. In the last month they have spoken to another donor sibling - L on Skype. It's a very neat thing to see all these kids and how they interact. I hope that when my children get old enough to truly understand their connection that they will value these relationships as much as I have.